Unstable

Well, I don't claim to be ultimately selfless.

As objectively as possible, I try to figure out, why I react the way I react to certain situations. I try to because sometimes, my reactions bring about immediate results that I am not happy about. So to avoid getting those immediate results the next time a similar situation arises, I will have to react in a different manner. To react differently, I will have to know why I react thus, so I can consciously control the way I respond.

-I don't think I can control the way I react, not unless it's through gradual conformation. You can't control the sudden surge of unhappiness, or anger, or joy in your heart when something happens. But you can control the way you respond, if you are conscious of it.

So I'd been burned before. There are a few times when I'd cared so much about people that I messed myself up.

-I do know the difference between caring about people, and caring about what people think about me. Both causes me to be a nice human being, the only difference is that for the first, you're definitely nice inside, the variable's the outside niceness. For the second, you're definitely nice outside, but the niceness inside is questionable.

My thinking-too-much pattern concerning this goes a little like...:

I want that person to be happy. What can I do to make that person happy? Will it be enough? Or will it make things worse? What if that person becomes happy, but only for a short while? What if what I do causes long term harm? How would I know what is truly good and truly bad? What if what I see as harm is actually good? I am thinking too much; I'm not God. Maybe I should just let go. But then it'll seem as though I don't care. People won't like knowing that others don't care about them. That won't be a good thing. But if I hang on too much, people won't like it either. Where's the balance?

Where is the balance, for crying out loud.

-I feel so pathetic at times, and reaching a threshold, so that I don't descend into absolute misery, my mentality does a rebound and I find myself being, in short, narcissistic. This doesn't take long to fizzle out, and around here, when I'm blessed enough, I reach a state of equilibrium. This doesn't take long to fizzle out either. Something happens, someone says something, or doesn't say something, or maybe just a weird chemical imbalance inside the brain, and I'm back to the adjective pathetic.

I pride myself, or perhaps I used to, on being able to let go.

If you ask me if I need you, the answer is, no. You can walk out of my life tomorrow, find someone new and my life would go on. I won’t die without you. But if you’re asking if I want you to be a part of my life, the answer is, yes. I can’t even deny it.

(via sierraa)

Let go, life goes on, life happens, keep hold on, move forwards, we all know the drill. A very useful drill, especially in keeping us alive, literally.

-And I think I'd been drilled to death. I didn't have it bad, but I didn't have it too good either, back in the days. My memory of myself when I was a kid consists largely of lonely wanderings. I never resented this, but being alone for too long makes you lose touch, y'know? Makes you behave inappropriately when you actually have to start interacting with other human beings. I had been a hermit enough to make many mistakes when dealing with people, but not isolated enough to be unaffected.

Who likes being unhappy? Naturally, I allowed myself to be drilled into staying happy. Miseries incubate, hatch and thanks to inspiring songs, happy messages, food and love, these things die pretty soon after. At least, some of them do; I suspect that some are still lurking about in there.

And so I am, or I think I am, this girl who has the amazing ability to let regrets, grudges and unhappiness slide off her back. The side-effects are that I tend to forget things too easily, and also I have been accused of being unconcerned about things.

Not to mention the emotional stress I get as a by-product of compressing every slab of negativity into practically nothingness. These processes are extremely tiring. I won't be able to get through them by my willpower alone (God knows how weak this girl's willpower is). I get through them because I believe I have to, much like a defense mechanism. When someone slaps you, your eyes automatically shuts. I have to make conscious efforts, but in a sense these efforts are automatic because I don't know where else I can go to avoid spiraling downwards to stupidity and doom.




xxx

I feel like I'm dramatizing everything. A moment ago it felt so real, and now I'm thinking, what a drama queen. See this? See how unpredictable, unreliable I am? I don't trust myself, I barely do. So I have to let go, or I know I'll crash. I don't even know for sure if I'll crash if I don't let things go, that's how ridiculously insecure I am.

I'd crashed four times this year. I simply did not have the strength to overcome myself. And part of the blame I thrust on music. I shouldn't have allowed myself to listen too much to that. It lifts spirits, it breaks them too.



So far, what I see above are lines of uncertainty, contradiction, justification. I dislike myself so much right now. I don't know.

I don't know. I really don't. What don't I know? Too many things. So maybe, instead, I should be asking, what do I really, truly know?

I know God loves me.

That's about it.

Scenarios run through my head. Not a lot; they can't, remember what kind of a girl I am? I throw them out quickly, but they come back again and again, I know. Bad scenarios.

Scenarios that make me remind myself, hey, you're a strong girl, remember? If that happens, you'll get through it. You have God. You'll be able to treasure & at the same time, release. Sure, it'll hurt like hell for the first few days, but time heals, God heals, you'll be alright.

The thing is, you can apply principles you're used to and put into practice the drills you'd went through only on situations that are similar. A seasoned firefighter would still be utterly lost in the battlefield; fighting fires are dissimilar to flying bullets and sentient enemies. Train a thousand times at something and be perfect at it; it still might be useless in a different setting.

So, again, I don't know how I'd react or respond if certain things get flung my way. Life would go on? I wouldn't die? Statements like those are magnets for irony.

A sudden burst of... something positive, just calmed me down. Time to do that compression thingy, Carmelia. Stop overthinking, for heaven's sake, this is complicated enough.

Gladly. It's nice to get direct commands when all suggestions are going in stupid different directions.




Signed, Carmelia.


Feeling, tired.
Thinking, everything will be fine.

Independence

Independent is one word my parents would never use to describe me. I have a messy room, I forget things like locking the grill doors & switching off the lights, I misplace important documents & wallets. Therefore, I am not independent.

***

Back in primary school, back when girls needed an entire parade with them to visit the loo, I was pretty independent. Or at least I am in my own mind. I did not think so at the time, but after I met Melissa and Pearl, and we became best friends, I realized how different the life I used to live was from the life after I made best friends.

I didn't know that you were supposed to get a girlfriend to be with you wherever and whenever. I didn't know that standing alone, waiting for your transport, while your friends are only a few feet away, means you're a loner. I didn't understand why you must have a friend with you before you join a club or society.

We had a camp in school. I ended up in the same group as Pearl, but I don't remember actually spending a lot of time with her much. She stuck by me, but most of the time she was talking to some of the other members of the group, including the group leader, who was a popular girl from another class. Otherwise, when translocating, she'd be right beside me. But I don't remember a lot of talking. Perhaps it was because I kept quiet.

At night, while the other girls were worrying about who they were going to wake to accompany them to the loo in the middle of the night, I was already setting up my sleeping bag. I remember enjoying their conversations, because I felt superior, not being afraid of the dark and of being alone. They soon found out that I wasn't scared at all, so instead of struggling to figure out the chain reactions (they're rather strange. if this girl goes, then this other girl must go, but then that girl will have to go too for goodness knows why, & there was a limit on the number of girls per loo-visit group), they started asking my permission to wake me up.

It has been many, many times, people asking me what I am doing alone. I can go to the movies alone, wander about town alone, study alone, stay back at school alone, play basketball alone. If I can play badminton alone, I would.

It's not so much that I am so capable, I can be alone, than the fact that I like being alone. I don't need a companion in most of the things I do- scratch that. I don't feel like I need. Perhaps spending my childhood days alone in school, being alone in crowds, conditioned me to feel very comfortable when no one is with me. Maybe it's because, when no one is with me, then I don't have to answer to anyone. I can do my own thing.

And when I get so accustomed to doing my own thing, I seclude myself from the other things around me. So I don't learn. When I am forced to step out, I fumble. Therefore it seems as though I am horribly incapable. I can't cross the road properly, I can't make the right decisions, I can't buy the right things at the right price, I am naive & trust strangers too easily, I fail at frying nuggets, I don't know how to manage my time.

So certain people, seeing all that, limit me to protect me. They don't want me to get hurt. They show me how to do this, they tell me what to do. They set boundaries. They scold me and again, tell me what to do. In fact, they tell me that they are sick of having to tell me what to do over and over again.

The thing is, I didn't ask them to.

I argue with myself. Hey, if they don't do all that, you might end up in very, very bad situations. They love you. That's why they do all that, even though you say you need your own space to learn, to think for yourself, to figure out what's right and what's wrong for yourself. By the time you figure things out, you might already have made some very bad, irreversible decisions.

They'd rather you live a mediocre, but safe life, than let you try to get a more wonderful, exciting, fuller life by risking your everything.

***

I suppose my parents are doing a pretty good job. They trust me, but to a certain extent. I am thankful for that. A lot of the rules they'd set unconsciously are negligible, and I know better than to push it. Or at least, I knew.

Recently I'd been asking my parents to let me take up this part-time job, teaching at a home tuition center nearby. Mum isn't very happy about the whole thing. She keeps on about why I want to quit my prefect duties, and at the same time, take up another commitment. On, and on. Not saying no, but making it very clear that she doesn't want to say yes at the same time. Finally, just now, she lashed out, "So you think you're very independent already lah?"

I think it's an issue for the both of my rents, my independence, ever since I got my P license. They don't talk about it, not in front of me and not with me, but I can feel it. Dad is being more lenient with my outings, bedtimes and curfews, but his short lectures are becoming more frequent as well. Mum, on the other hand, lets dad make most of the decisions, but lets out her worry and concern by nagging and putting me down.

"Why can't I go?"

"Why must you go, hah?"

"I really don't get it, it's an event, on a Saturday."

"You have to teach at 12, then go straight at 4, then come home at 8? You're wasting the whole day away! I thought you resigned as a prefect because you wanted to focus on your studies? What are you doing now?"

"I already told you, I canceled my classes for this Saturday! I'm only going out at 4, then coming back at 8!"

"...Why must you go? Hah?"

I felt like cursing right then. "Why must I go? I don't have to go, but I want to!"

"Oh, so now it's because you WANT to."

Of course because I WANT to, it's not a responsibility, it's because I WANT to, for fun, for myself. She can't think of a reason to say no, because the only reason she doesn't want me going out, she doesn't want to tell me; she'll make herself sound as biased as she really is. She'd let slip a few times, so I know.

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense that they don't trust me, because I don't even trust myself.

Oasis

Something opposite of a tiring stretch of something else.

A drink of water in the midst of thirst.

A smile cracked in the midst of gloom.

A ray of sunshine on a rainy day.

A text message in the middle of the night.

A weekend night out after examinations.

A gathering of youths to strengthen fellowship in Christ.


I find oases all the time, in my life. A sudden relief of a situation that I'd been stuck in for quite some time. I thank God for them, for they are like stepping stones; they keep me going forward. There are times when I am stuck, and perhaps sometimes, I slip. But so far, so good, I'm still moving on.

I find myself needing to take breaks from things I thought I'd never be tired of. Last time, it was an obsession with RPGs. Then, the need to always be tasting something spicy and sour. Facebook's another thing I thought I'd always be addicted to, but every time I set my abstinence, I don't find it difficult at all not to go online. There are other more important examples that I have, but I don't wish to share them here.

It's something people sometimes call a 'breather'. We all tend to desire for breathers from all sorts of things. I do. But there is specifically one thing I don't want ever to want to take a break from.

Dynamics. Always changing. Humans are. People are. I know how much some of us hate it when friends change. It hurts even worse when they were the most precious people in your life, once upon a time. It's like losing a treasure. Or maybe, it's like treasure being damaged so much, it no longer holds any value.

I thank God that He never changes. He loves us, He's always there, His Word never fades. I will never need an oasis in the middle of God, and God help me not to ever want one. Because God Himself is my oasis from all things.

God, is Love.

Signed, Carmelia.


Feeling, neutral.
Thinking, I want to be as consistent as I can be.

This Isn't The Best Day Ever

"Putting on your best act isn't so difficult when you know you'll get recognition for it. It's when you know your best will be so superb, no one will ever know, that makes it so difficult."

Signed, Carmelia.


Feeling, disastrous.
Thinking, burning down.

Not As Happy

It's 6.06PM.

I heard a story about a pastor who would always start church service by thanking God for all things. He never ran out of things to thank God for. He was always optimistic, sometimes unbearably so.
So one day, a terrible, terrible storm, heavy rain raged on. Inside the church building, the congregation waited to see what the pastor would say about the weather. Surely, nothing good. The pastor finally spoke.
"Thank you, oh Lord, that weathers such as this do not happen often."




This day, this week didn't start out swell. I woke up with nasty lumps in my throat, thanks to the vomit episode yesterday. Got downstairs to be greeted by a moody mother. Sophia was sick, so she did not attend school.

I was rushing to get to school as early as possible, so that I could go look for my wallet. My IC, driver's license, and RM40+ were in there. I'd realized it was missing last Friday and knew I lost it the same day because I'd always checked to see if I had my wallet with me whenever I drove. I wasn't feeling my best on Friday, which might explain how on earth I forgot about my wallet.

Jerry never really cooperates whenever I want to get to school early. He didn't this morning. I got down, lugged the monster backpack with me to the Chemistry laboratory and started the search.

But, to no avail.

Classes were alright. Come recess, and mum handed me my wallet. Everything, minus my receipts and the cash, was intact. A teacher found it on my desk. I thank God for whoever it is that had the sense to return the wallet and everything inside, even if they did take part of the class fund, which I now have to pay back with the RM100 I earned cleaning up my room.

Everything went alright. I even had fun during Pengajian Am, which was a first. Cikgu Azmi tended to call on me to speak. The attention, I really enjoyed, especially when I actually did have ideas and opinions to share.

Before school was over, I found myself with two new posts. Secretary of the committee for the annual Prefects Farewell Ceremony, and AJK for the backdrop of the Chinese Language Society's upcoming Mooncake Festival.

After spending colloquium planning out Wednesday's English Language Society game, mum drove me home. I'd planned to drive downtown to get some things for my class. Goes to show I should never put too much hope in what I plan to do. Mum didn't say no, but she did not say yes either. She didn't tell me straight why I couldn't, or what I could do so that I can. Basically, she didn't help me solve my problem.

So I asked to send Jerry to Central for his drum lessons, because I really missed driving and I needed to unwind. But no.

And only later, after I'd unconsciously accused my mum of not wanting to let me drive, did she inform me that she wanted to send Jerry because she had some other errands to run. Why couldn't she have told me that earlier? But forget it. I just kept my mouth shut.

In the end, she got fed up and abandoned everything. So I had to drive, just as I was starting on my Mathematics. Fine. I didn't make a big fuss out of it, because honestly, I was glad I could drive. But I was not happy.

I wandered around Central, waiting for Jerry to finish his lesson. And when it was time to go, the Avanza wouldn't start. What a sight I was, a girl running around the car, looking under the hood and fiddling with the engine, a cellphone attached to her ear.

Long story short, I got home and went straight to the computer.

Reading what I'd typed out so far, I can't see why today was so bad. Everything was fine. I got my wallet back. Squabbles with mum were normal. So what if the car broke down? People were friendly to me today. None of the teachers scolded me for anything. I didn't break anything.

Now mum is telling me to drop the two posts I got today. I don't even want to respond. If she wants me to drop them, I'll drop them. The burdens of duties and tasks I can handle; emotional burdens simply crush me.

God's will.

Someone went out of their way to pick me up for bible study yesterday night, and I'm glad. The topic shared impacted me a lot. Not an explosive impact that'd die down sooner or later, but rather something that I want to allow to sink into me.

There are three 'wills' of God, basically. God's Providential Will, God's Moral Will, and God's Personal Will.

God's Providential Will concerns things that are going to happen. These are things that are already given in the bible. Fullstop. For example, there's no questioning that Jesus is going to come back. There's no questioning that there is heaven and hell.

God's Moral Will includes things such as the ten commandments. For example, do not commit murder. You don't have to pray and ask God if it's His will that you murder someone tonight to get cash to save this dying pastor. It's already clear, in the bible.

Finally, but not least, God's Personal Will. The one I want to know about the most. Search and look all you want, you won't find specifics in the bible for your individual life. Things such as, where I'm going to live, what subjects I should be taking, who I should get married to, etc.

Jinho got us thinking. Not that I haven't already over thought about this, but again, I thought. What can we do to find out what God's personal will for us is? Why do we want to know anyway?

"Because we know God's plan is the best plan."

I don't want to, as Jinho put it, sit down one day when I'm 45 years old, and wonder where my life went to.

"Study hard, play hard, then study study study study study, cram, EXAM. Next up, college, play hard, active, study, study, study, study, study, cram, EXAM! Next up... And then get a job. After getting a job, work hard at getting promotions. Then get a new car, nice house. And then plan marriage, get married, and then next, focus on the children.............."

It's all fine, going to church and getting involved in church activities. But.

Right before Jinho started sharing, he borrowed Joshua's iPod and proposed to put it under one of the table's legs to stabilize it. Joshua was, of course, more than unwilling.

Jinho showed us how a life that is lived without its purpose being fulfilled is like an iPod being used to stabilize a table.

Something so precious, able to do so much more,
wasted on something so comparatively trivial.

Will putting the iPod under the table's leg be useful? To a certain degree, yes, the table will not be wobbly anymore. But at what cost?

Back to the question. What can we do to find out? The obvious answers: Pray. Read the bible. Pray. Pray somemore.

But that doesn't seem to be working. It's not clear enough. We don't hear the audible voice of God on a daily basis. Sometimes never.

So, Jinho led us to something that I'd been figuring out for a long time:

If you want to know what God's Personal Will for you is, then you'll have to make it a point to know as much as you can about God's Providential and Moral Will.

Why?

Because if you are truly sincere in doing God's will, you'll want to know and do all three. Not just God's Personal Will for you, but also God's Providential and Moral Will. If you don't care about the first two, then it's very unlikely you'll find out about the third.

Jeremiah 6:10

"To whom can I speak and give warning?
Who will listen to me?
Their ears are closed, so that they cannot hear.
The word of the Lord is offensive to them;
they find no pleasure in it."

That was when we mentioned Lady Gaga. Jinho didn't bash her up verbally, in fact, he was quite loose about it. But he did make a few points. When people start to fill up their minds with oh-la-la instead of the word of God, guess what's going to distract them from listening when God speaks to them?

So, to find out about God's Providential Will and Moral Will, we read the bible. Consistently. With an open heart. We pray about it. We apply what we learn. We ask the elders in church. Go for bible study. The better we know God's Providential and Moral Will, the more sensitive we will be towards God's voice in our lives concerning the specific decisions we make.

Amen.



"Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul." 1 Peter 2:11

"If you were of the world, the world would love his own; but because you are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hates you." John 15:19



Signed, Carmelia.


Feeling, tired.
Thinking, it's okay to be lame, it's okay to be too much, it's okay that they talk.

Plan your work, work your plan. Good try.

This is my 'get-it-done' list, from //LIVE*


Planning to:

1. Get my very own camera. Check.

2. Get my very own laptop. Check.

3. Pass Piano Practical Grade 7. We'll see, won't we?

4. Finish writing a novel. Forget about this until after STPM.

5. Get my novel published. Ditto.

6. Watch the complete set of Ouran Host Club. Check.

7. Cook curry.

8. Bake cookies on my own.

9. Visit Cheshire Home.

10. Lose ten kilograms. This is so difficult. I can go days without food, but people around me will get all uptight and over worry. Eat a little this, eat a little that. I eat a little, it triggers serious hunger pangs. We'll see.

11. Go on vacation with friends. I wish.

12. Stay and have fun in a posh hotel with friends. Check.

13. Take picture with a mime artist.

14. Post first ever v-log.

15. Make a cloth doll.

16. Play an electric guitar. Working on it. It's taking me a long time to be able to play the acoustic smoothly, but I'm progressing.

17. Bring Bunny for a dry-clean session. How can pink turn into gray? Sigh.

18. Straighten front teeth. Now that I think about it, my teeth's straight. Sorta. Just not properly in front.

19. Get paid for a published article or story.

20. Write my very own blog layout html code.

21. Compose and write a song. I did this before. Posted the lyrics on one of my blogs. I'd forgotten about it and it isn't a song I can claim I finished writing.

22. Visit Korea. Just so.

23. Visit Ireland.

24. Design & paint/wallpaper a room.

25. Get 99 roses.

26. Obtain two rabbits.

27. Sing & dedicate the song 'Smile' by Uncle Kracker to a loved one.


The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.

I find myself giving much attention to the word 'often'. I agree that the best laid of plans can still go astray, but often? Do they? Even if someone does a huge research and survey on this, we'll never know.

Something someone wrote in their blog sometimes get stuck in my head. Something about how people simply throws everything into God's hand and do nothing. That's one extreme. The other's trying to plan everything so that life goes entirely your way.

Is it possible to totally surrender oneself to God, and still be able to plan and make the best effort to work that plan?

I'd planned several things that totally didn't happen. And I was able to let them go very easily. Too easily, maybe. My inclination towards that first extreme threatens to burden me with guilt sometimes. "I don't do enough. Where's the effort?"

The most obvious thing to do, when I can't find that balance, is to do what the Lord so obviously commands me to do. Why bother so much about plans that seem so complicated and neutral when I can't even properly obey the most straight-forward of commandments in the Bible?

I have to go now. Mum's going berserk again. So much for me planning to finish a proper blog post today. =)


Signed, Carmelia.


Feeling, alright.
Thinking, que sera sera, but take your steps forward anyway.