THIN

I'M THE BEFORE PICTURE!!!

...Well, alright, so maybe I'm not that fat.

But that's what makes it so difficult to get the 'After' picture.

Because I become too lenient with myself.

I want to lose weight.

People ask me why.


1. I want to look really good.
I don't know,
I get the feeling that it's easier to impress & get people to respect & like you
when you look good.
It sounds shallow, sadly,
but if I don't try then I'll never know.


2. I want to be able to wear whatever.
First off, almost all pretty clothes are in sizes Medium & smaller.
I'm a rough size M,
but if I can fit into size S,
oh my gosh.
Shopping!!! <3
I am limited to certain styles of clothing now,
because I have to accentuate this & tone down that blah blah,
but if I'm skinny enough,
then I will be able to look good
in whatever it is that I feel like throwing on
any day, any time.

3. I dislike being bigger than my mum.
She used to be my size but then came the Great Meltdown.
Now people always say that her daughter's
"Oh, so big already! Bigger than you!"
Aunty, I don't like you anymore.
I don't mind being taller than she is,
in fact that's awesome.
But bigger.
No.
I'm the teenager here.
You go be the proper middle-aged mother.
I wanna be the rebellious, stupid little teenager.
Little.

4. I want to see if I am disciplined enough.






















<3 How lovely.

I'm scared that God won't let me achieve that *points at lovely picture*
Because maybe, if I'm able to rock anything that I wear,
I might start wearing...
Clothes that are not proper.
It is very tempting.



I used to hate my breasts.
But now they can just stay put,
it's the rest of my body that I have problems with.

No more binge eating!
No more fried food!
No more carbohydrates!
No more ice cream!

This hurts T___T

No more cake!
No more dinners!


But I really really don't want to end up looking too thin.
I'd rather be chubby
than have my shoulder blades & ribs sticking out.


Nevertheless, I have to be careful not to cause myself to breakdown.
2011 is a year in which I must be healthy.



...

I wonder how long this will last.

Signed, Carmelia.


Feeling, motivated.
Thinking, I have failed so many times... All the more reasons to not fail this time!

Preparing

Recently, I keep thinking about writing letters for my beloveds in the event of my sudden death.




A new year's coming down on us soon, but it's alright. I'm not completely dry & warm right now so a cold wave won't shock me much. Sports Day, exams, school activities, projects, homework, society, youth.

Excited!

A cockroach's approaching my feet cautiously now. It looks undecided about where to go. Feel your way, roach! Feel! That's the laptop wire you're bumping into and DON'T COME NEAR MY FEET!!!...

It's gone now. Where to, I have no idea. I took my eyes off it. I hope I won't accidentally step on it later.

I was up rather early this morning. Doraemon (Sze Mun!) & Ming Li came over to bake goodies for a friend who is leaving Kota Kinabalu to further her studies.

A lot of people are leaving Kota Kinabalu recently to further their studies.

The butter cookies were very nice, except I might have paid more attention to their time inside the oven. Sorry, cookies, for letting you all tan :3

After they left at one, I took care of the fondant I made before my trip to Penang. That is, shaped them into ready-to-use, well, shapes, & stored them in a container. It really is one of the sweetest things I've ever tasted, which is saying something, because my appetite for sweets is above average. :D

I get very insecure sometimes, don't I? When I start thinking too much & zooming out from every situation to see a larger one. It's something I can't help but do. The good news it, I think I'm learning to control it.

Or maybe I'm not. Maybe shutting off my mind & calming down is becoming a habit. It's a good thing?

*It's a good thing! Not question mark.



*After minutes*

DOTA! I wanna try I wanna try now. Or maybe I shouldn't. Tomorrow morning I have to go catch insects. We'll see! :)

Signed, Carmelia.


Feeling, blissful.
Thinking, it's a journey of a thousand miles & I want to enjoy it.

Lukewarm

Title blank.

In Penang now with the family, snacking on grapes & cherries.

Just showered. Pa, mum & Jerry are sharing a bed. Sophia's sleeping on the extra bed in the living room. I'm sleeping on the sofa, because I expect to be up quite late & I don't want to wake anyone up.

I don't feel excited about anything yet. I don't expect to enjoy this vacation. I feel guilty & ungrateful. & I'll probably end up trying my best to be cheery & happy for my family's sake.

Penang's famous for the food. That is bad news for me, being on a diet. My problem is that I cannot find a balance. I either abstain from food totally, or indulge like a glutton. To really be moderate, my mood is often sacrificed.

Another thing about Penang is the night-life. Which I can forget about.

I don't know what made me change my mindset. Before this, I was scared- terrified, about turning twenty. I wanted to live in KK, to stay with my family & friends. I wanted to stay a teenager as long as I can & enjoy it.

Now, though. I find myself just wishing so hard that I were twenty one & living somewhere else, away from my family. I love them so much, but it makes me very uncomfortable to have to share a room with them, go everywhere with them- Especially my parents. I don't know, I just feel heavy inside. That is why I am expecting to not fully enjoy this vacation.

I guess it has something to do with the fact that I am suddenly yearning my independence. I can't help but draw a parallel between me & a wolf leaving it's pack. You might not be ready, the world outside might be & often is very cruel & harsh, & you might even get hurt or get killed, but the instinct is there.

I was such a good girl... But now I just feel like driving off late at nights & not coming home till dawn.

The things my c.o.r.e sisters said when I told them about my issues recently were very surprisingly. Not exactly reassuring, but I felt better because I knew they understood. Especially Kiren. She was the one who started crying during our conversation, not me. I know how difficult things have been for her, even more difficult than what I'm going through.

But I can't help but wonder if I'll end up going through worse than her.

Sonja immediately told me to be careful of living my mother's life for her. Tasha told me to fight for it, not by disobeying, but by trying to reason & making them see how important this is to me. Kiren warned me that whatever I said about being alright will be disproved once I do get to that stage. Kak Yee gave me some comforting words.

Sister Suk prayed for me today. & honestly, I was happy that she knew what my concerns were. Surprising, what she prayed for.

Mum's been very nice to me. Gave me RM100 to spend today. I don't plan to spend the money.

Sometimes I feel like the only thing keeping me from going wild is God. I dare not disobey Him, no, not outright, not blatantly so. I just cannot. Even though it's so difficult to be an obedient Christian, but I know being anything else by conscious choice is just stupid.

I'll get through this, sooner or later, so I tell people not to bother. They usually don't. The heartache comes & goes, my thoughts change every now & then, & I end up confusing myself.

Will ignoring situations cause them to sort themselves out?

Sometimes you have to take action, sometimes you don't. Which is what now?

I hate being so negatively emotional. I hate it. I want to be happy, to ignore bad thoughts, bad feelings, to trust in God & just do my part.

I will. I will. Carmelia, you will. Just shut up & do it.

Signed, Carmelia.


Feeling, happy.
Thinking, happy.

Leaving the title blank again.

I stayed up till three plus last night, reading my blog posts. The things I went through amazes me a little. Like the humiliating incident during the debate competition. I couldn't even bring myself to read my recount, so I can't imagine the level of embarrassment I must've felt at the time.

But I lived through it. And I remember, very clearly, that I even believed it to be a good thing, having something funny & incredulous to share with people. The worse the humiliation, the more entertaining the stories, I know.

Then there were cryptic posts. I couldn't make heads or tails of them, only that I was going through really depressing times. Romance related? But whoever were the guys/was the guy?

Ka Howe was one of them, probably. I don't remember being that pissed off at him, but apparently I was. Whatever for, I have no idea. I forget things too easily, a trait which is both a boon and a bane.

Have to sign off now. Instead of just saving this, I'm posting it up, untitled.

Signed, Carmelia.


Feeling, a little oppressed.
Thinking, go on.

Incompetent

Leaving the title blank again until I finish this post.

Things to do during the next 28 days before school reopens:

1. General Studies' Project.
;; Have to collect two Bahasa articles a day, starting from 19th November, one Science-orientated, one Social, & write fifty-word commentaries.

Completion: 0% (Or maybe, 1%, since I got most of the newspapers needed already.)

2. Biology Project (Green Connection)
;; Have to match up the names, kingdom, family, genus, species- of the creatures we took pictures of at Green Connection.

Completion: 0% (Or maybe 10%, since I have the pictures & the information needed already.)

3. Biology Project (Insects)
;; Have to catch about ten more insects, get formalin from teammates to preserve the insects with, & stick them up on a neat, big piece of foam board, which will be placed in a wooden box-thing, which I am in charge of getting.

4. Biology Project (Plants)
;; Have to find the names & families of the 25 plant samples taken in school, dry them up properly, sew them onto papers & create a neat file.

5. Chemistry Revision
;; Up to Chapter 10 now. So far, has failed the school examinations. I don't even want to think about reading ahead now when my basics are as solid as apple crumble.

6. Mathematics Revision
;; I just want to pass.

But God's amazing. I tend to do better than I expect.

7. Biology Revision
;; Plan to finish studying the first volume, in addition to the five chapters in volume two.

8. General Studies Revision
;; Plan to finish studying the entire Paper One volume.

I'm printing all that out & putting it somewhere I can see it easily.

I did not include baking, outings, room-deco, youth, weight, music, art, sports-related goals, not because I won't try to pursue them, but because they're only second place now.

I really want to pull out from my youth co-leader position. I don't press for it with the adults, because I know they'll be saying things like, I can do all things through Christ. I really do want to help, but not as a leader, I don't lead well. They'll tell me to learn, that this is a good experience. I'm not coping well, I suck. They'll say they'll pray for me. And if they really let me off, I'll feel awesomely bad for letting them down.

I've been thinking about sleeping over at Pastor & Sister Suk's for a few nights, just be with them, sort myself out, get myself together, stay away from the worldly filth that I'm so attracted to. But I know they're really busy. And I don't want to draw attention to whatever problems I might be having unless I'm sure I'll be getting help.

Sometimes, we don't care what others think. Sometimes, we care too much. Some people do too much of the first, some people, the latter. I'm trying to find the balance between the two. Care, but not let it get to me too much. To make everything as beneficial & constructive as possible. It's difficult.

I love my mum. She's nice. & when she's happy & fun, her company is so, so enjoyable. But more often than not, she isn't. When I try to be nice & happy, she usually doesn't give any responses at all. Maybe even bite back a few times, & once it really hurt. I don't know where all that bitterness is coming from. Her children? She says that, sometimes. She's a slave at home, we're all just pigs, we never help. I'm sorry if your children have brought you nothing but misery, mum. Especially me. I'm sorry if I've disappointed you. I'll be gone after a year or so, don't worry. Meanwhile, I'm trying my best to not let your bitterness affect me negatively. It's good in that it teaches me patience, so much patience & meekness, so when I meet nasty people out there, I actually think they're quite alright. But I become bitter as well, sometimes, and often I find myself staring at my Facebook profile page, trying to think up words ugly enough to reflect what I feel inside. Then deleting & not posting them because I don't want that kind of an image, a moody girl who can't keep her feelings to herself. Also, you're making me scared of adults, particularly those who seem to be as strict as you are. You made me replace them with an image of you, of what you'd say or do if I tried to get close. I don't want to blame you, mum. But every time I have to grit my teeth and control myself from slamming the door, I feel the ugly, chaffed, tough spots on my heart. Not strong enough to withstand heartaches, but not soft enough to be innocently sincere.

Wow. I wonder what I'll be thinking when I come back here, in the future. In mere minutes, I felt like I was changing from one person to another. I think there were around three transitions. Moody, depressed, angry, bitter, resentful, alright, blessed-

No time for me to think further. Mum wants me off now.

Signed, Carmelia.


Feeling, stupid.
Thinking, I'm unworthy.

Something.

I've left the title blank for now. Maybe I'll put something in after I'm finished with this post. Maybe not. This isn't the best time for me to be blogging. Mum usually expects action now, like showers, dinner, and chores. I wanted to go jogging, but turned back midway because the skies were way too gray, despite it only being 5.30pm. Or maybe, I was feeling too gray.

Sophia and I watched the last two episodes of a drama series last night. Endings are the most special parts of a journey to me, but only if there has been a long, tedious stretch of something in front, bursting with incidents, emotions, words, meanings... The short moments of pensiveness I go through when I'm near the end of a novel are usually summed up with words along the lines of, all the things they've been through, to get here.

To get to somewhere.

2010 is the most eventful amongst the seventeen years that I've been through. Incidents usually get littered about in my life, important & influential, but never as blotchy and prominent as certain events were this year.

Or maybe, as your grow older, incidents will become objectively bigger, in comparison not with your own experiences, but with what the world thinks is huge. A major crush in Form One will seem like everything to the poor girl, and perhaps getting married is no big deal to that man, but throw the two events out into the world and I'm guessing the marriage will be deemed more worthy of attention.

Back in Form One, I was buying new clothes and doing up my hair and planning weeks before, before going to a school concert that I didn't watch more than half of. Now, I get my dress ready a few hours before, and go all impromptu as emcee for a posh Sixth Form promenade. I'm a big girl!

Well, I'm not, but I couldn't help but say that. Eighteen is such a lovely age to me, a bottle-neck where responsibilities start gushing in, but you're still young enough to be a teenager.

I'm already eighteen. Being able to enter that club by just flashing my IC- Well, not really. The bouncer decided to mess with me, and then the other bouncer at the back door also messed with me after that, by telling me that I couldn't go in. Why? Because I wasn't born in 1991. Being me, of course, I just felt all dazed up until the man laughed and patted my shoulder. "Masuk lah."

The day I turned eighteen, I felt as though a protective shield had just melted off me. Exposed is a word I'd use, in relation to the temptations of the world, but more to my own weaknesses and desires. I can drink, drive, smoke, work, go clubbing, get married, do an o.n.s, and they'll all be legal. The adults can only scold, lecture, disown me- But I can. It's not that I may, anymore. I can. I won't get thrown into jail, they can't have the police on me or lock me up.

And the older I get, the less scary the prospect of leaving my parents will be. So what can stop me from going crazy?

At that point, there's usually this mental image of me looking out into the future at someone else, only that person's still me. A Godless girl, doing whatever she wants, and only being disciplined for things that will cool her up. Writing, maybe, and getting involved in worldly music scenes. Learn to dance and devote herself to it. Still being nice by doing community work, being loyal to friends, sending money home. Have a boyfriend and love him with all her heart. Get a motorcycle. Become borderline anorexic. Go all Gothic, pierce her lips, but not tattooing anything because that ain't cool. Write some more.

Oh Lord. That's such a picture to paint. It won't sound bad at all to many out there, but that's because they don't know, the most important word amongst all that is Godless. I can't. I won't. I don't know if I'm deceiving myself or trying to sound all holy and great, but I do believe that the sad feeling inside when I think about how it'd be if I forsake Jesus is because I love Him. The feeling rarely grows, because I'd stop imagining things and start thinking about what I can do to not break His heart now.

I have not been through a lot. I think I'm glad I haven't, because being the stupid girl I was (am), I would've made so many mistakes. I haven't. I can't really think of anything that I regret now. It worries me, because some of them are sins, and if I don't regret sins then I don't think God would have forgiven me, would He? I don't regret them because I learn from them, I become better, stronger, wiser. They fill up my life, I'm not just a perfect little dolly who won't be able to be honest when she tells people that she knows what they're going through. Is that wrong, God? I'm just sad that they broke His heart, those sins. But I don't regret them. Is that wrong? Or maybe regret isn't the appropriate term to use.

That time I was walking back from the hill, and my abdomen hurt so, so much, all I could think of was every step I have taken. People tell us to look ahead in times of pain, to focus on the goal and the sunlight. But I didn't then, I was pushing on by telling myself, you know what, you've already come so far. So far. One more step, and that's one more painful step you're leaving behind. The distance you've overcome is awesome.

Perhaps that's why I place so much importance on the time it'll take for a friendship to blossom into romance. The longer it is, the better. The more storms would have been weathered, the deeper the commitment, the murkier the line between romance and love.

No. It isn't better because the time taken is longer, expanded over months and years. I think I know that now. Because I've known people for ages and the strength of the friendships I share with them is barely a tenth of the friendship I share with certain characters I've met mere months ago. The quantity of the time spent together is really nothing compared to the quality, yeah?

I might prove myself wrong, again, but that's what I think for now.

Back then, maybe because I was inexperienced, maybe because I'd jumped into things so fast I immediately knew something was wrong and was choking myself to death trying to resurface as quickly as possible, I told myself that two years would be the prerequisite for any romance to be acceptable in a friendship. Two years, a long enough time for enough storms to be weathered. Maybe four or five good, solid chapters, before the main characters finally get together. I do love endings that come after tedious, beautifully stuffed journeys. In every story plot I've penned, the boy only gets the girl after everything's done. I don't remember any one time where I've let the hero & heroine become an item before the fifth chapter.

Funny. If there's anyone who can frustrate me and make me dizzy with confusion, it's myself.

Mum comes in close as first runner-up. That lady is seriously driving me nuts.

Everything that has happened.


Signed, Carmelia.


Feeling, melancholic.
Thinking, journey ahead looks like an adventure, darling! It's going to be alright.

Lyric