It's raining outside, and I know it's raining in there as well. So heavily.
I am not sure, now, where I get all these theories and lessons from. Unless I am mistaken, that first and last relationship, a real disaster to say the least, taught me quite some simple basics. For example, romance does not equal love. Sweetness can soothe, but not heal. Humans don't understand themselves. Preserve what you can for the ultimate. I'm glad I did, I'm determined to.
On those basics (or are they really that basic?) I just started piling up every other experience I had after that, mainly those of my best friends. I'd seen the infatuation, the flames, the chase, the stress, the hurt, the disappointment, the shocks, the bastards...
What worries me is that these bastards didn't mean to be bastards. True villains are rare to find in reality. I believe that every relationship these 'bastards' started, they'd started sincerely. Or at least, they'd followed their true feelings.
That's the problem. Feelings. However real and true your feelings are for that moment, they never last.
I am not condemning feelings. Emotions are wonderful and God-given. Through emotions, spirits soar higher and will-power is boosted. God moves and by feeling His love and presence, we know He is there. Peace and joy are both feelings. You feel peaceful, you feel joyful. Feelings are good.
But not for making life decisions...
I think I sound rather negative and... well, simply bad, when I say, some people just don't know that they don't mean it when they say that they love someone else. It's not their fault, I guess. They just don't know. Or rather, that 'love' they're talking about is the watered-down, human version.
Yes, I love you, because you make me feel good.
Yes, I love you, because you're beautiful.
Yes, I love you, because you are protective of me.
Yes, I love you, because you make my heart beat fast.
Yes, I love you, because.
I went to Glory Church's youth once, and the topic was on love. Melvin shared that there is the 'if' love and the 'because' love. 'If' love is conditional. 'Because' love is God's love. Strangely, that seemed to make sense, until I got home and told mum about it. She was puzzled.
"What's the difference?"
Yeah, I realized it then too. What is the difference? The real love, God's love, agape, is just love, full stop.
Yes coma I love you fullstop
So far, what I'd learnt to want in a relationship, in any friendship, any romance, is love.
There may, or may not be, pleasure. There may, or may not be, fun. There may, or may not be common ground. We might be able to have the same tastes, or not. We might be able to be totally honest with each other, or not. We might be able to chat about anything, or not.
I don't think I have that much common ground with my gang, namely Melissa, Pearl, Daphne, Rowena, Stanely, Aubrey... We can be rather far apart sometimes. So, so far apart. We don't tell each other everything. Not because we don't want to, but because we don't spend that much time together, but still. We don't know a lot about each other, especially recently.
The rain's stopped.
A few times, when Melissa or Pearl calls me crying, I go speechless. I don't know what to say.
I don't want to tell them that everything's going to be fine when I definitely have no way of guaranteeing or knowing that.
I don't want to keep asking them why and making them remember all the sad details.
I don't want to keep telling them about me, me, me, and how I relate to what they are feeling, as though I can relate, even though relating makes me more involved in that.
And if I just listen, they might feel that I don't care enough. Selfishly, I'm worried about this because I want them to continue liking me, but unselfishly, feeling that a friend doesn't care will definitely make their day worse.
So, until now, I am still trying to figure out, what do I do?
I pray. That's the first and only thing I can do.
One reasoning I have is that, yes. It is good for trails to come. You're going through this horrible problem, and it's good. It breaks me heart to hear you crying on the phone, or knowing that you're really in a bad mood, but it comforts me to know that after this, you'll be able to stand up stronger, wiser, more protected.
More valuable.
I want the best. I think I do. I want the best for my loved ones. And the best is not, in my opinion, to be protected from everything and stay weak and safe, because whatever that house you're in, however strong that castle is, one day it WILL FALL and then the precious person inside will get totally annihilated.
The best is to be strong oneself, and be oneself's castle. Right?
Right.
And then I start thinking, 'But what about all the times other people comforted YOU? You don't hear them saying stupid, cold things like, you'll grow stronger, this is good for you.'
People are nice to me. People can comfort me. Okay, I admit, sometimes they can't. I know a very loyal friend who, unfortunately for him, just can't make me feel better... Except for the fact that, I know he wants me to cheer up, so that works a bit. But he can't do it on purpose.
Nevertheless, most of my loved ones can comfort me, on purpose.
I'm so blessed.
So I don't have the right to give up comforting people because I think that the trial is good for them. I won't be condemning the problem (usually), but I won't say it's good, not in their faces anyway.
...But then that sounds so... two-faced...
Okay. Just close up this post already, Melia.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, safe.
Thinking, don't overthink, don't complicate, you don't need it.
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loves your last sentence. You learn well, grasshopper =3
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