Long Silence

Time of Call: 08-06-2010; 12:58:48am; Call Duration: 00:40:36

Just long stretches of me not saying anything.

Again, my horrible hearing messed things up.

But at least I could hear the voice, even if I couldn't hear the words.

I like that voice.

My facial muscles were working overtime, getting all those mixed signals from the Boss.

...Not sure which Boss.

I felt embarrassed, being all mushed up and emotional.

Thank God for my hair. It nicely curtained up my face as I crouched on the stairs with that problematic Nokia phone attached to my right ear.

"Hey, Xiao Jie, are you okay?"

Those boys had been running up and down the stairs for quite some time now, having fun in the middle of the night. They'd ignored me at first, but suddenly, once, they'd all stopped. All I saw were their legs.

"Ehh... She won't answer you."

"Don't disturb her."

I waved them off, half laughing. Trying to talk suddenly with a voice you'd stuffed inside your throat for minutes makes you sound like you were crying.

Or... Maybe that was because I was.

Gosh, why was I crying? I know what made me, but I don't know why it made me.

Talking and crying in the middle of the night on the phone sounds like a very dramatic, puppy love thing to do for me. It was as though my heart had gotten a good, strong grip on me and was failing me around like a little rag-doll. Being me, I didn't like it. My pride on being rational and careful when it comes to romance made me apprehensive about crying over something that my family and friends would say is mundane. Unnecessary. Even the me of a stable emotion would say that. People who love me wouldn't like to know that I'm crying, and to make me stop and feel better, they'd say that. It isn't necessary.

A lot of things aren't, especially in my life. What defines something as a necessity? Often times I find myself putting a single word and lot of dots behind 'necessary'.

Necessary for......

Knowing how to speak Korean isn't necessary. It isn't a necessity. But it becomes when you need to speak to a whole load of Koreans.

Having a camera isn't necessary. It isn't a necessity. But it becomes when you're a professional photographer.

Breathing isn't necessary. It's not a necessity. But it becomes when you want to live.

Texting and calling someone up isn't necessary. It's not a necessity. But it becomes when you want to hear from that person, to know how they're doing, if they're alright.

Hearing from someone, to know how they're doing and if they're alright, isn't necessary. It isn't a necessity. But it becomes when you want to feel better and stop thinking too much.

Feeling better and not thinking too much isn't a necessity. You don't need it to live. But when and because you need it to live happier and calmer, it becomes.

Was it a necessity for me to get worked up and worry about how someone is? Was I just being dramatic?

I'm arguing with myself now.

Imagine if I didn't.

My conclusion is that, more than anything, my heart just wanted to prove to me how much this person means to me. And the only thing it can do, apart from halting its beating, to attract my attention to that fact, is cause me to feel uptight, bad, worried, anxious, helpless, useless, and love.

Otherwise, the brain won't really care, will it? My brain wouldn't. It's just a cold piece of flesh and neurons. So maybe, to make up for that, my heart explodes every now and then.



Signed, Carmelia.


Feeling, okay.
Thinking, it's okay, it's okay.