Stuff I learnt from reading Princess Diaries:
(1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 10 anyway)
(yes i know Nigel it sucks not to read 1 through to 10)
1. Major Histocompatibility Complex. This stuff is Science.
2. Girls can be very, very weird- In fact, they're supposed to be, or something.
3. Find a guy with whom you can talk & laugh & argue about stupid stuff with- Not a popular heart-throb who drives luxury cars & gets wasted with friends every other party night.
4. Cats eat socks.
5. Not being physically endowed in the chest area is a blessing in disguise.
6. You do NOT, ever, get with your bestfriend's ex-boyfriend.
7. When a guy signs love at the end of a note or on a normal-ish greeting card, be very alert.
8. Even girls like Lana Weinberger can turn out to be pretty cool- if not still vain- best friends.
9. When a guy tells you he loves you, & you don't feel the same, it's okay to just say thank you gracefully, & not end up in a relationship with him.
10. It's very difficult to get published.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
If I have children. When I have children.
I want to...
1. ...tell them bedtime stories every night, especially bible stories.
2. ...bring them to their grandparents, for overnight stays.
3. ...bring them visiting relatives often.
4. ...draw & paint vegetables & fruits & whatever we can find in the house with them.
5. ...encourage them to take up musical instruments.
6. ...keep the telly as low profile as possible, if we have one at all.
7. ...furnish the house with bookshelves & books & books & books.
8. ...encourage them to learn self-defense.
9. ...pray with them every chance I get- before meals, before bed, in the mornings, during difficult times.
10. ...always apologize to them if I have gone back on my word, been too harsh on them, misunderstood them, misbehaved.
11. ...do my best to always seem to be on daddy's side with serious issues, even when I don't agree with him.
12. ...talk to them straight about sex & relationships.
13. ...address problems & suspicions directly, even if it hurts.
14. ...encourage them not to eat meat.
15. ...prepare a duty roster at home.
16. ...do crafts & puzzles with them at home.
A lot of things I want. Of course, we'll never know what happens, or if I'd be able to achieve all these. But at least I have aims.
I know how parents become disappointed in their children. & I don't expect to be the perfect parent, and to bring up the perfect children. Every child is unique. I expect them to have qualities I am not that fond of, or don't understand.
There'll always be someone else inside them that is not for me- I am not bringing up the children for myself, to make myself proud or to take care of me in my old age.
I am bringing them up for their future husbands or wives, their future families. I am acting as caretaker to do what I can for them so they can serve & love God.
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that, I must surrender them daily to God.
These are all talk, obviously. I am not yet a mother. I will not start to know anything about being one until I am one.
1. ...tell them bedtime stories every night, especially bible stories.
2. ...bring them to their grandparents, for overnight stays.
3. ...bring them visiting relatives often.
4. ...draw & paint vegetables & fruits & whatever we can find in the house with them.
5. ...encourage them to take up musical instruments.
6. ...keep the telly as low profile as possible, if we have one at all.
7. ...furnish the house with bookshelves & books & books & books.
8. ...encourage them to learn self-defense.
9. ...pray with them every chance I get- before meals, before bed, in the mornings, during difficult times.
10. ...always apologize to them if I have gone back on my word, been too harsh on them, misunderstood them, misbehaved.
11. ...do my best to always seem to be on daddy's side with serious issues, even when I don't agree with him.
12. ...talk to them straight about sex & relationships.
13. ...address problems & suspicions directly, even if it hurts.
14. ...encourage them not to eat meat.
15. ...prepare a duty roster at home.
16. ...do crafts & puzzles with them at home.
A lot of things I want. Of course, we'll never know what happens, or if I'd be able to achieve all these. But at least I have aims.
I know how parents become disappointed in their children. & I don't expect to be the perfect parent, and to bring up the perfect children. Every child is unique. I expect them to have qualities I am not that fond of, or don't understand.
There'll always be someone else inside them that is not for me- I am not bringing up the children for myself, to make myself proud or to take care of me in my old age.
I am bringing them up for their future husbands or wives, their future families. I am acting as caretaker to do what I can for them so they can serve & love God.
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that, I must surrender them daily to God.
These are all talk, obviously. I am not yet a mother. I will not start to know anything about being one until I am one.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Losing weight wouldn't be a problem now, haha. Haven't eaten anything at all for seventeen hours, and counting. This time, not because I'm restraining myself. I could barely keep myself from throwing up last night, in bed, much less have an appetite.
But it's alright. I feel so okay right now, I'm suspecting another rollercoaster ride downwards.
I wonder who'll be the first to read this, & I wonder what anyone who reads this will think. I suppose I'll be updating every now and then- I need an outlet. No one I can talk to anyway. Melissa, Daphne, James- They're free from studies now. Totally free from A-levels. They should enjoy.
Me, I have a ton of stuff to do. Magazine articles, room to clean up, & homework & revision. I must catch up. When I get my papers back in school, it's not going to be easy facing the teachers.
Four more months. I am far from ready.
But I will be. God willing.
But it's alright. I feel so okay right now, I'm suspecting another rollercoaster ride downwards.
I wonder who'll be the first to read this, & I wonder what anyone who reads this will think. I suppose I'll be updating every now and then- I need an outlet. No one I can talk to anyway. Melissa, Daphne, James- They're free from studies now. Totally free from A-levels. They should enjoy.
Me, I have a ton of stuff to do. Magazine articles, room to clean up, & homework & revision. I must catch up. When I get my papers back in school, it's not going to be easy facing the teachers.
Four more months. I am far from ready.
But I will be. God willing.
Out with it, out.
Here I am.
3rd of June.
When people tell you about how they'd gone through trials, the pain, the lessons learnt- the confusion, the doubts, the spiritual attacks, the shame, the guilt, the burdens, the oppression-
When people tell me, I doubt. At least, I used to. C'mon. You're being dramatic. But of course God will forgive you. But of course you shouldn't have. Why did you? It was so obviously wrong. Yes, yes, everything's fine now. Just let it go. Don't be so dramatic.
That was what I'd be thinking, around... a year and a half ago.
Things happened.
The car crash. I don't remember feeling that scared before. I couldn't even recognize it as fear at the time. It was paralyzing. My heart stopped feeling, almost. It was as though nothing bad happened- I was normal. I could even laugh about it. Said thank God aloud. Told my siblings everything was fine. Said I was sorry.
It was not until two hours later that I started crying, next to my sister, in bed, as my parents sorted out everything for me downstairs.
In a way this got me ready for Nigel. May 24th. June. That Monday. October 6th. October 10th. November. Those days I struggled with myself.
I only remember the dates for what happened in May & October.
Today, 3rd June.
Gradually I've come to appreciate how you just can't control certain circumstances. How limited you are. How you don't know things. How you know things, but can't do them anyway.
When you already know something so very well, and yet take action against that knowledge, what do you call it? An inability, or a rebellion? I could not do anything about it, or, I would not do anything about it?
With every significant date that passed, my tendency to wave off people's testimonies have diminished. I don't know how much of that tendency I have left. It's not all gone. But it's small.
I disregarded Marissa Griffin's testimony about how she rebounded from a great trial in her life. When she was ten, one of her parents committed sexual immorality. The entire church sort of broke apart. No one accepted them. Half of her siblings left the church. Fighting & unhappiness dominated the house. These are all words. I heard them, I listened. I felt for her- but only a little. She told of how difficult it was, but she ended up choosing to love God. God made all things well for her. God turned that fiasco into something that created a beautifully strong character in her.
Growing up in church, I hear things like that all the time. On a weekly basis, even. I am not able to fully appreciate testimonials. When people testify, & others applaud and shout hallelujah or something cliche sounding, I am rarely affected much. I don't think badly of them, and I don't say they're being dramatic. I don't think anything negative, usually. But I don't appreciate what they've gone through.
Recent years I've wondered, what's wrong with me. Why is it that I can only appreciate a testimonial when someone's dead, or saved from death, or some fantastic miracle has happened. When someone just praises God for something vague, I don't think much about it.
Now I'm thinking, it's probably something so much more personal & wonderful, they can't share it with the whole church.
Some have been delivered & set free at camp, I know. They focused on liberating church members, on repentance. On committing themselves to God.
I did not join them. I am not that much of a hypocrite. While others repented, I was struggling to make myself repent. I did not want to be speaking empty words- What use are those when you're talking with God Himself? He knew everything.
Thank God, He knew everything. I did not have to clear up the mess in my head & heart to be able to let Him know. I tried, perhaps. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. If God had to wait until I was able to tell Him everything before He could work, I'd go crazy, because I couldn't tell Him everything. I barely knew what was going on myself.
Many left the camp renewed & refreshed- I didn't. But my dependance on God was clearer to me, even if the struggle wasn't over.
A load of seemingly empty words up there. I'm tired now, physically, mentally, emotionally. I just have to let something out. I feel like deleting everything up there, but I won't. I have to remind the future me of what happened. I'll try to. Experiences like these are precious.
It's not an excuse. Excuses are dangerous. And I know that. There was a lot I could have said, but I did not, because I don't want them to be seen as excuses.
Thinking back, whether or not I'd still make the same mistake- No, the same decision- knowing what was going to happen, I think, of course not. Because I'd already know what would happen.
But there's nothing of value there. When I don't do something because I don't want to be caught at it, I learn nothing but how to avoid punishment.
If I hadn't known what was going to happen- well, no use talking about it. I definitely would do what I have done.
I regret. And yet I'm thankful for the mistakes I've done.
It sounds twisted. The fear I'd felt, there were moments when I'd actually enjoyed the adrenaline. Should I hate myself for that? And yet most of the time I was breathing hard, trying not to faint, or scream or run off, or do anything stupid that would let Nigel down.
Oh, that boy. If for nothing else I'd have been thankful for his parents for the guy he is now. He isn't perfect. He has his strengths, & he has his flaws. Flaws I sometimes cover up with excuses, because I become infatuated so much. I love him. Any other guy I'd have committed & given myself so much to, I would have loved as much. People doubt, & it makes me doubt. I'd experienced nothing to confirm that this was love, & not some besotted desire for affection.
But those dates came. Like hurdles. Like storms.
Problems are never as big as when the sin is your own. Marissa Griffin- I think, whatever the pain she went through, her mother went through worse, because she was the bearer of the sin, the cause of all the misery. She had no one to blame but herself, nothing to shift the attention to. This is only a theory of mine. I wouldn't know, since I only feel my own emotions, & not others. But it's likely. It's logical.
I almost digressed.
I came home feeling scared to see Nigel, because- shallow as it is- I haven't hit my target weight. He'd be disappointed. Maybe like me a little less. I don't like him looking straight at me sometimes because I feel ugly. I cry, I faint, under pressure.
He loves me still. He said so. Not only words. To be able to still say them, again and again, after each painful episode- That took guts. It really does. When everything would go nice and fine for him if only he'd just break up with me & never see me again, and yet he doesn't, instead being stubborn about being with this girl who isn't really worth keeping- When people don't see that he loves me, minus the feelings & infatuations, I wish I could tell them what we go through. I'm tempted to tell them that, but without the details, they'd just disregard it as I disregard some of the testimonials that I'd heard. What could Carmelia have gone through to be that sure?
I'm not 100% sure. No one can be, no one will be, apart from being sure of God's love. We're only human. & I trust intentions, not ability. I trust that Nigel is honest when he says he loves me. His intentions are different than his ability to love me through whatever. The same goes for me.
But I stay firm. I barely prayed, because I was too frightened, but God answered. He really, really did.
I knew that camp was not the end of troubles for me. I knew it was only, perhaps, strengthening me to be able to go through whatever it was that I would end up landing myself in. So that I wouldn't cave.
He kept whispering for me to be strong. For him, for that, I restrained myself from doing something that'd hurt myself. The temptation was great- If I'm hurt physically, people would stop hurting me emotionally because they'd be scared of being blamed for my caving in.
But that'd hurt the ones who love me. Or at least, Nigel. I don't want to do that.
A year since I fell hard for him. Eight months since we'd committed ourselves to each other, seeing how I'd promised myself that my next boyfriend would be my last and only. He knew that. I wonder what I'd think, reading back on all this. What do you think, future me? Are you happy right now? Where are you now? What lessons have you learnt since then? Do you disagree with anything up there now? Has anything you've experienced since then negated anything I've experience so far?
Nigel's asleep. I probably should be too. Not to think too much. I'm learning not to, to pick and choose what to be concerned about, and what not to. I'm learning also to deny my flesh comfort. I'd failed the few days at camp- I still went to the hotel for my afternoon baths. I have been too sheltered all my life. It's high time I went through some fire.
Again, I'm thankful. I truly believe that God can make me into a far stronger character than if I hadn't and am not going through all this spiritual, emotional turmoil.
Then again, I sound so wrong & self-righteous there. Am I?
I'm worried about my future. And now I'm not.
Alright. Time to stop thinking. I need rest.
3rd of June.
When people tell you about how they'd gone through trials, the pain, the lessons learnt- the confusion, the doubts, the spiritual attacks, the shame, the guilt, the burdens, the oppression-
When people tell me, I doubt. At least, I used to. C'mon. You're being dramatic. But of course God will forgive you. But of course you shouldn't have. Why did you? It was so obviously wrong. Yes, yes, everything's fine now. Just let it go. Don't be so dramatic.
That was what I'd be thinking, around... a year and a half ago.
Things happened.
The car crash. I don't remember feeling that scared before. I couldn't even recognize it as fear at the time. It was paralyzing. My heart stopped feeling, almost. It was as though nothing bad happened- I was normal. I could even laugh about it. Said thank God aloud. Told my siblings everything was fine. Said I was sorry.
It was not until two hours later that I started crying, next to my sister, in bed, as my parents sorted out everything for me downstairs.
In a way this got me ready for Nigel. May 24th. June. That Monday. October 6th. October 10th. November. Those days I struggled with myself.
I only remember the dates for what happened in May & October.
Today, 3rd June.
Gradually I've come to appreciate how you just can't control certain circumstances. How limited you are. How you don't know things. How you know things, but can't do them anyway.
When you already know something so very well, and yet take action against that knowledge, what do you call it? An inability, or a rebellion? I could not do anything about it, or, I would not do anything about it?
With every significant date that passed, my tendency to wave off people's testimonies have diminished. I don't know how much of that tendency I have left. It's not all gone. But it's small.
I disregarded Marissa Griffin's testimony about how she rebounded from a great trial in her life. When she was ten, one of her parents committed sexual immorality. The entire church sort of broke apart. No one accepted them. Half of her siblings left the church. Fighting & unhappiness dominated the house. These are all words. I heard them, I listened. I felt for her- but only a little. She told of how difficult it was, but she ended up choosing to love God. God made all things well for her. God turned that fiasco into something that created a beautifully strong character in her.
Growing up in church, I hear things like that all the time. On a weekly basis, even. I am not able to fully appreciate testimonials. When people testify, & others applaud and shout hallelujah or something cliche sounding, I am rarely affected much. I don't think badly of them, and I don't say they're being dramatic. I don't think anything negative, usually. But I don't appreciate what they've gone through.
Recent years I've wondered, what's wrong with me. Why is it that I can only appreciate a testimonial when someone's dead, or saved from death, or some fantastic miracle has happened. When someone just praises God for something vague, I don't think much about it.
Now I'm thinking, it's probably something so much more personal & wonderful, they can't share it with the whole church.
Some have been delivered & set free at camp, I know. They focused on liberating church members, on repentance. On committing themselves to God.
I did not join them. I am not that much of a hypocrite. While others repented, I was struggling to make myself repent. I did not want to be speaking empty words- What use are those when you're talking with God Himself? He knew everything.
Thank God, He knew everything. I did not have to clear up the mess in my head & heart to be able to let Him know. I tried, perhaps. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. If God had to wait until I was able to tell Him everything before He could work, I'd go crazy, because I couldn't tell Him everything. I barely knew what was going on myself.
Many left the camp renewed & refreshed- I didn't. But my dependance on God was clearer to me, even if the struggle wasn't over.
A load of seemingly empty words up there. I'm tired now, physically, mentally, emotionally. I just have to let something out. I feel like deleting everything up there, but I won't. I have to remind the future me of what happened. I'll try to. Experiences like these are precious.
It's not an excuse. Excuses are dangerous. And I know that. There was a lot I could have said, but I did not, because I don't want them to be seen as excuses.
Thinking back, whether or not I'd still make the same mistake- No, the same decision- knowing what was going to happen, I think, of course not. Because I'd already know what would happen.
But there's nothing of value there. When I don't do something because I don't want to be caught at it, I learn nothing but how to avoid punishment.
If I hadn't known what was going to happen- well, no use talking about it. I definitely would do what I have done.
I regret. And yet I'm thankful for the mistakes I've done.
It sounds twisted. The fear I'd felt, there were moments when I'd actually enjoyed the adrenaline. Should I hate myself for that? And yet most of the time I was breathing hard, trying not to faint, or scream or run off, or do anything stupid that would let Nigel down.
Oh, that boy. If for nothing else I'd have been thankful for his parents for the guy he is now. He isn't perfect. He has his strengths, & he has his flaws. Flaws I sometimes cover up with excuses, because I become infatuated so much. I love him. Any other guy I'd have committed & given myself so much to, I would have loved as much. People doubt, & it makes me doubt. I'd experienced nothing to confirm that this was love, & not some besotted desire for affection.
But those dates came. Like hurdles. Like storms.
Problems are never as big as when the sin is your own. Marissa Griffin- I think, whatever the pain she went through, her mother went through worse, because she was the bearer of the sin, the cause of all the misery. She had no one to blame but herself, nothing to shift the attention to. This is only a theory of mine. I wouldn't know, since I only feel my own emotions, & not others. But it's likely. It's logical.
I almost digressed.
I came home feeling scared to see Nigel, because- shallow as it is- I haven't hit my target weight. He'd be disappointed. Maybe like me a little less. I don't like him looking straight at me sometimes because I feel ugly. I cry, I faint, under pressure.
He loves me still. He said so. Not only words. To be able to still say them, again and again, after each painful episode- That took guts. It really does. When everything would go nice and fine for him if only he'd just break up with me & never see me again, and yet he doesn't, instead being stubborn about being with this girl who isn't really worth keeping- When people don't see that he loves me, minus the feelings & infatuations, I wish I could tell them what we go through. I'm tempted to tell them that, but without the details, they'd just disregard it as I disregard some of the testimonials that I'd heard. What could Carmelia have gone through to be that sure?
I'm not 100% sure. No one can be, no one will be, apart from being sure of God's love. We're only human. & I trust intentions, not ability. I trust that Nigel is honest when he says he loves me. His intentions are different than his ability to love me through whatever. The same goes for me.
But I stay firm. I barely prayed, because I was too frightened, but God answered. He really, really did.
I knew that camp was not the end of troubles for me. I knew it was only, perhaps, strengthening me to be able to go through whatever it was that I would end up landing myself in. So that I wouldn't cave.
He kept whispering for me to be strong. For him, for that, I restrained myself from doing something that'd hurt myself. The temptation was great- If I'm hurt physically, people would stop hurting me emotionally because they'd be scared of being blamed for my caving in.
But that'd hurt the ones who love me. Or at least, Nigel. I don't want to do that.
A year since I fell hard for him. Eight months since we'd committed ourselves to each other, seeing how I'd promised myself that my next boyfriend would be my last and only. He knew that. I wonder what I'd think, reading back on all this. What do you think, future me? Are you happy right now? Where are you now? What lessons have you learnt since then? Do you disagree with anything up there now? Has anything you've experienced since then negated anything I've experience so far?
Nigel's asleep. I probably should be too. Not to think too much. I'm learning not to, to pick and choose what to be concerned about, and what not to. I'm learning also to deny my flesh comfort. I'd failed the few days at camp- I still went to the hotel for my afternoon baths. I have been too sheltered all my life. It's high time I went through some fire.
Again, I'm thankful. I truly believe that God can make me into a far stronger character than if I hadn't and am not going through all this spiritual, emotional turmoil.
Then again, I sound so wrong & self-righteous there. Am I?
I'm worried about my future. And now I'm not.
Alright. Time to stop thinking. I need rest.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Packing for Kudat Camp 2011
Music: Unchartered by Sarah Bareilles.
I usually take twenty minutes trying to decide what to wear on Sunday mornings, especially when I'm at the piano. Everything has to be presentable & proper.
So now that I'm going to a camp where there are no mirrors available whatsoever, & the heat to think about, plus I'll be in front manning the laptop, so to speak-
This is going to be a long night.
Music: Do You Remember by Jay Sean
Oh my gosh I hear mum coughing. She is still awake. I'm doomed.
12:16AM
Music: Uncharterd by Sarah Bareilles
I'm not doomed! Packing continues.
12:17AM
It's like, the less I can make myself bring to camp, the more accomplished I am. Thus, me anti-trolley bag.
Even though I know I'm gonna regret this.
12:18AM
Maybe I should use the trolley bag... But the Playboy tote's just nice...
12:24AM
A trolley would be nice too... It can just lie like a small cabinet on the floor & I can just get my clothes, instead of digging around in the Playboy tote...
12:26AM
Music: Unchartered by- ohhh you know.
But I don't want to be dragging the trolley to and fro the car tomorrow and on the 3rd.
Wait. That'll only be dragging twice.
Let the transfer begin!!
12:28AM
Music: Drumma Boy by Justin Ellis
Yes, I am on Tumblr.
12:29AM
Changed my mind. Playboy tote too small & cool.
12:33AM
CAMERA to charge. iPOD to update & charge. What else what else. Oh yeah. Have to pack pencil case. A properly packed pencil case is very useful. You never know when you need like, a ruler. Or tape.
Maybe I should bring my calculator.
12:34AM
Music: Price Tag by Jessie J.
It's not Math camp, heck. But... HECK DON'T BRING THE CALCULATOR.
12:36AM
Music: Uncharted.
Baby Oil?... Will think about it tomorrow. Now, off to pack pencil case upstairs in my room, & shower, brush my teeth, & come back downstairs to sleep on the couch. I'd removed the bedspread & blankets from my bed/mattress during my clean up just now and I'm too lazy to put them back now.
I feel a little bad for scolding- Okay, I was screaming, at Bubu just now. But really. Why does she keep attacking my feet? Stop it, Bubu. Don't bite. Why me? Why???
Now to Italianize (?) & bold up the above post, then I'm off to bed!
I usually take twenty minutes trying to decide what to wear on Sunday mornings, especially when I'm at the piano. Everything has to be presentable & proper.
So now that I'm going to a camp where there are no mirrors available whatsoever, & the heat to think about, plus I'll be in front manning the laptop, so to speak-
This is going to be a long night.
Music: Do You Remember by Jay Sean
Oh my gosh I hear mum coughing. She is still awake. I'm doomed.
12:16AM
Music: Uncharterd by Sarah Bareilles
I'm not doomed! Packing continues.
12:17AM
It's like, the less I can make myself bring to camp, the more accomplished I am. Thus, me anti-trolley bag.
Even though I know I'm gonna regret this.
12:18AM
Maybe I should use the trolley bag... But the Playboy tote's just nice...
12:24AM
A trolley would be nice too... It can just lie like a small cabinet on the floor & I can just get my clothes, instead of digging around in the Playboy tote...
12:26AM
Music: Unchartered by- ohhh you know.
But I don't want to be dragging the trolley to and fro the car tomorrow and on the 3rd.
Wait. That'll only be dragging twice.
Let the transfer begin!!
12:28AM
Music: Drumma Boy by Justin Ellis
Yes, I am on Tumblr.
12:29AM
Changed my mind. Playboy tote too small & cool.
12:33AM
CAMERA to charge. iPOD to update & charge. What else what else. Oh yeah. Have to pack pencil case. A properly packed pencil case is very useful. You never know when you need like, a ruler. Or tape.
Maybe I should bring my calculator.
12:34AM
Music: Price Tag by Jessie J.
It's not Math camp, heck. But... HECK DON'T BRING THE CALCULATOR.
12:36AM
Music: Uncharted.
Baby Oil?... Will think about it tomorrow. Now, off to pack pencil case upstairs in my room, & shower, brush my teeth, & come back downstairs to sleep on the couch. I'd removed the bedspread & blankets from my bed/mattress during my clean up just now and I'm too lazy to put them back now.
I feel a little bad for scolding- Okay, I was screaming, at Bubu just now. But really. Why does she keep attacking my feet? Stop it, Bubu. Don't bite. Why me? Why???
Now to Italianize (?) & bold up the above post, then I'm off to bed!
Monday, May 23, 2011
Irrational Contemporary Wishlist.
Hi, reader who never comments but reads my posts every now and then. It's alright, I don't mind not knowing who you are. It's better this way, otherwise my posts wouldn't be so raw.
A List of the Randomest, Most Inappropriate Things I Wish I Could Do Right Now.
1. Stay out all night, with a car.
2. Run until I collapse on the ground, with no one watching.
3. Blast off music in a room full of mirrors & dance.
4. Distribute baskets full of healthy goodies to random people around town who look like they could use some cheering up. Like that old lady across the street, or those mothers with ten kids from church.
5. Open up a huge mansion for friends to group study, crash study, cram, take breaks. Music, snacks, dinner, books & books & books.
6. Bring to somewhere pretty someone who would keep taking pictures of me no matter how vain or silly my poses are. Probably the beach. It's really nice there at nights.
7. Paint sidewalks all over town. With a paintbrush, not spray paint cans.
8. Sing while playing the guitar at the beach with people around.
9. Cut my hair short. With a penknife or paper scissors. Style doesn't matter- I just want it shot.
10. Go swimming right now, in a cold, cold pool.
11. Hang out at Sutera Habour with Nigel. There's something romantic about that place.
12. Throw out everything I don't absolutely need from my room & stop being a hoarder.
13. Watch television & have sushi.
14. Fly over to KL & surprise Nigel.
15. Go for a long drive with Nigel.
16. Jam.
17. Write & write & never having to erase anything because I'll just open up a new document & save every reject.
18. Get my hair done. Wash, blow-dry, treatment, perm, curl, rebond, highlight, anything.
19. Stuff myself with sushi until I feel like throwing up.
20. Talk & talk & talk about the serious side of life with someone who will not judge me negatively, nor reprimand me, nor doubt that I mean what I say, nor forget about the cheerful girl I am as well. & I do the same.
21. Jump on Nigel's back.
22. Go roller skating.
23. Go somewhere really really cold- & not bundle up.
24. Go somewhere really really cold with Nigel & use that excuse to hang onto him like a koala on an eucalyptus tree.
25. Go on a shopping spree with my Maybankard.
A List of the Randomest, Most Inappropriate Things I Wish I Could Do Right Now.
1. Stay out all night, with a car.
2. Run until I collapse on the ground, with no one watching.
3. Blast off music in a room full of mirrors & dance.
4. Distribute baskets full of healthy goodies to random people around town who look like they could use some cheering up. Like that old lady across the street, or those mothers with ten kids from church.
5. Open up a huge mansion for friends to group study, crash study, cram, take breaks. Music, snacks, dinner, books & books & books.
6. Bring to somewhere pretty someone who would keep taking pictures of me no matter how vain or silly my poses are. Probably the beach. It's really nice there at nights.
7. Paint sidewalks all over town. With a paintbrush, not spray paint cans.
8. Sing while playing the guitar at the beach with people around.
9. Cut my hair short. With a penknife or paper scissors. Style doesn't matter- I just want it shot.
10. Go swimming right now, in a cold, cold pool.
11. Hang out at Sutera Habour with Nigel. There's something romantic about that place.
12. Throw out everything I don't absolutely need from my room & stop being a hoarder.
13. Watch television & have sushi.
14. Fly over to KL & surprise Nigel.
15. Go for a long drive with Nigel.
16. Jam.
17. Write & write & never having to erase anything because I'll just open up a new document & save every reject.
18. Get my hair done. Wash, blow-dry, treatment, perm, curl, rebond, highlight, anything.
19. Stuff myself with sushi until I feel like throwing up.
20. Talk & talk & talk about the serious side of life with someone who will not judge me negatively, nor reprimand me, nor doubt that I mean what I say, nor forget about the cheerful girl I am as well. & I do the same.
21. Jump on Nigel's back.
22. Go roller skating.
23. Go somewhere really really cold- & not bundle up.
24. Go somewhere really really cold with Nigel & use that excuse to hang onto him like a koala on an eucalyptus tree.
25. Go on a shopping spree with my Maybankard.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Sunday: Panic
panic [ˈpænɪk]n
So perhaps the feeling I'm feeling recently isn't really panic. What do you call panic that creeps in slow?
It's not just to do with the examinations, though of course, exams take the major part of the cake. Cake. I feel nauseous just at the thought of it.
Someone once said that, You always know the right thing to do; the hard part is doing it. Well, yes, I suppose. Get me to talk about it, and everything would sound alright, okay. You'd be thinking, this girl knows what's right, she's got her head on straight. So what's the problem?
What's the problem, indeed. I think oftentimes I don't want to share, or attempt to anyway, what's on my mind, because I don't want things to come out sounding okay. Why do problems always sound okay & manageable when I talk about them? When they are not. They sound okay even to me. But turn around, & those little moments add up to make me just want to cry at nights.
I end up visualizing stabbing things, usually living things, to get rid of this thing inside me. Maybe my own arm, or some animal. Hamsters *dry laugh*. Just stabbing. And telling someone to shut up. No one in particular, just anyone. Shut up. Or me cutting my hair boy-short. Drastic things I would never, ever seriously think about doing. I think.
What is normal? I'm not normal. I don't think so. Oppressed? But maybe I'm just dramatizing things.
Nigel would scoff, I suppose. Tell me to take care of myself. Stop over thinking. Tell me he's worried. Or not to make him worried.
Anyone else being that unsympathetic, I'd have withdrawn from already. It's not their fault- I just don't need to feel smaller than I already do. But Nigel's different. I feel obliged. Whether that's a good thing, I don't know. Hopefully he's right, that this will pass. This stupid, idiotic, useless period of emotional torture will pass. He's probably right. I'm just wondering if there isn't any other alternative to just getting through until it passes.
To do list:
1. Pass examinations calmly & without breaking down.
2. Stop obsessing about emotions.
3. Pray more?
4. Teacher's Day celebration decorations.
5. Decide what not to take up that is not (yet) compulsory (for now) i.e. Sonya's farewell, camp media assistant post.
6. Decide what not to think about.
7. Stop obsessing about my weight.
8. Obsess about weight & stop eating.
9. Don't get sick. Like, seriously.
10. Stop thinking about what to do and just do it.
God? Are you listening? Can you just kind of wrench everything away from me, if that's what You want me to do, and just take control? Instead of waiting for me to plead & ask you to? Because I don't know what's the best for me right now. Turn me into a robot if you want, I don't mind. Being a complex human being is tough work.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, panicky.
Thinking, I'm willing to give everything up- Except... Well.
1. a sudden overwhelming feeling of terror or anxiety, esp one affecting a whole group of people
2. (modifier) of or resulting from such terrorSo perhaps the feeling I'm feeling recently isn't really panic. What do you call panic that creeps in slow?
It's not just to do with the examinations, though of course, exams take the major part of the cake. Cake. I feel nauseous just at the thought of it.
Someone once said that, You always know the right thing to do; the hard part is doing it. Well, yes, I suppose. Get me to talk about it, and everything would sound alright, okay. You'd be thinking, this girl knows what's right, she's got her head on straight. So what's the problem?
What's the problem, indeed. I think oftentimes I don't want to share, or attempt to anyway, what's on my mind, because I don't want things to come out sounding okay. Why do problems always sound okay & manageable when I talk about them? When they are not. They sound okay even to me. But turn around, & those little moments add up to make me just want to cry at nights.
I end up visualizing stabbing things, usually living things, to get rid of this thing inside me. Maybe my own arm, or some animal. Hamsters *dry laugh*. Just stabbing. And telling someone to shut up. No one in particular, just anyone. Shut up. Or me cutting my hair boy-short. Drastic things I would never, ever seriously think about doing. I think.
What is normal? I'm not normal. I don't think so. Oppressed? But maybe I'm just dramatizing things.
Nigel would scoff, I suppose. Tell me to take care of myself. Stop over thinking. Tell me he's worried. Or not to make him worried.
Anyone else being that unsympathetic, I'd have withdrawn from already. It's not their fault- I just don't need to feel smaller than I already do. But Nigel's different. I feel obliged. Whether that's a good thing, I don't know. Hopefully he's right, that this will pass. This stupid, idiotic, useless period of emotional torture will pass. He's probably right. I'm just wondering if there isn't any other alternative to just getting through until it passes.
To do list:
1. Pass examinations calmly & without breaking down.
2. Stop obsessing about emotions.
3. Pray more?
4. Teacher's Day celebration decorations.
5. Decide what not to take up that is not (yet) compulsory (for now) i.e. Sonya's farewell, camp media assistant post.
6. Decide what not to think about.
7. Stop obsessing about my weight.
8. Obsess about weight & stop eating.
9. Don't get sick. Like, seriously.
10. Stop thinking about what to do and just do it.
God? Are you listening? Can you just kind of wrench everything away from me, if that's what You want me to do, and just take control? Instead of waiting for me to plead & ask you to? Because I don't know what's the best for me right now. Turn me into a robot if you want, I don't mind. Being a complex human being is tough work.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, panicky.
Thinking, I'm willing to give everything up- Except... Well.
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