1. a sudden overwhelming feeling of terror or anxiety, esp one affecting a whole group of people
2. (modifier) of or resulting from such terrorSo perhaps the feeling I'm feeling recently isn't really panic. What do you call panic that creeps in slow?
It's not just to do with the examinations, though of course, exams take the major part of the cake. Cake. I feel nauseous just at the thought of it.
Someone once said that, You always know the right thing to do; the hard part is doing it. Well, yes, I suppose. Get me to talk about it, and everything would sound alright, okay. You'd be thinking, this girl knows what's right, she's got her head on straight. So what's the problem?
What's the problem, indeed. I think oftentimes I don't want to share, or attempt to anyway, what's on my mind, because I don't want things to come out sounding okay. Why do problems always sound okay & manageable when I talk about them? When they are not. They sound okay even to me. But turn around, & those little moments add up to make me just want to cry at nights.
I end up visualizing stabbing things, usually living things, to get rid of this thing inside me. Maybe my own arm, or some animal. Hamsters *dry laugh*. Just stabbing. And telling someone to shut up. No one in particular, just anyone. Shut up. Or me cutting my hair boy-short. Drastic things I would never, ever seriously think about doing. I think.
What is normal? I'm not normal. I don't think so. Oppressed? But maybe I'm just dramatizing things.
Nigel would scoff, I suppose. Tell me to take care of myself. Stop over thinking. Tell me he's worried. Or not to make him worried.
Anyone else being that unsympathetic, I'd have withdrawn from already. It's not their fault- I just don't need to feel smaller than I already do. But Nigel's different. I feel obliged. Whether that's a good thing, I don't know. Hopefully he's right, that this will pass. This stupid, idiotic, useless period of emotional torture will pass. He's probably right. I'm just wondering if there isn't any other alternative to just getting through until it passes.
To do list:
1. Pass examinations calmly & without breaking down.
2. Stop obsessing about emotions.
3. Pray more?
4. Teacher's Day celebration decorations.
5. Decide what not to take up that is not (yet) compulsory (for now) i.e. Sonya's farewell, camp media assistant post.
6. Decide what not to think about.
7. Stop obsessing about my weight.
8. Obsess about weight & stop eating.
9. Don't get sick. Like, seriously.
10. Stop thinking about what to do and just do it.
God? Are you listening? Can you just kind of wrench everything away from me, if that's what You want me to do, and just take control? Instead of waiting for me to plead & ask you to? Because I don't know what's the best for me right now. Turn me into a robot if you want, I don't mind. Being a complex human being is tough work.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, panicky.
Thinking, I'm willing to give everything up- Except... Well.
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