Time of Call: 08-06-2010; 12:58:48am; Call Duration: 00:40:36
Just long stretches of me not saying anything.
Again, my horrible hearing messed things up.
But at least I could hear the voice, even if I couldn't hear the words.
I like that voice.
My facial muscles were working overtime, getting all those mixed signals from the Boss.
...Not sure which Boss.
I felt embarrassed, being all mushed up and emotional.
Thank God for my hair. It nicely curtained up my face as I crouched on the stairs with that problematic Nokia phone attached to my right ear.
"Hey, Xiao Jie, are you okay?"
Those boys had been running up and down the stairs for quite some time now, having fun in the middle of the night. They'd ignored me at first, but suddenly, once, they'd all stopped. All I saw were their legs.
"Ehh... She won't answer you."
"Don't disturb her."
I waved them off, half laughing. Trying to talk suddenly with a voice you'd stuffed inside your throat for minutes makes you sound like you were crying.
Or... Maybe that was because I was.
Gosh, why was I crying? I know what made me, but I don't know why it made me.
Talking and crying in the middle of the night on the phone sounds like a very dramatic, puppy love thing to do for me. It was as though my heart had gotten a good, strong grip on me and was failing me around like a little rag-doll. Being me, I didn't like it. My pride on being rational and careful when it comes to romance made me apprehensive about crying over something that my family and friends would say is mundane. Unnecessary. Even the me of a stable emotion would say that. People who love me wouldn't like to know that I'm crying, and to make me stop and feel better, they'd say that. It isn't necessary.
A lot of things aren't, especially in my life. What defines something as a necessity? Often times I find myself putting a single word and lot of dots behind 'necessary'.
Necessary for......
Knowing how to speak Korean isn't necessary. It isn't a necessity. But it becomes when you need to speak to a whole load of Koreans.
Having a camera isn't necessary. It isn't a necessity. But it becomes when you're a professional photographer.
Breathing isn't necessary. It's not a necessity. But it becomes when you want to live.
Texting and calling someone up isn't necessary. It's not a necessity. But it becomes when you want to hear from that person, to know how they're doing, if they're alright.
Hearing from someone, to know how they're doing and if they're alright, isn't necessary. It isn't a necessity. But it becomes when you want to feel better and stop thinking too much.
Feeling better and not thinking too much isn't a necessity. You don't need it to live. But when and because you need it to live happier and calmer, it becomes.
Was it a necessity for me to get worked up and worry about how someone is? Was I just being dramatic?
I'm arguing with myself now.
Imagine if I didn't.
My conclusion is that, more than anything, my heart just wanted to prove to me how much this person means to me. And the only thing it can do, apart from halting its beating, to attract my attention to that fact, is cause me to feel uptight, bad, worried, anxious, helpless, useless, and love.
Otherwise, the brain won't really care, will it? My brain wouldn't. It's just a cold piece of flesh and neurons. So maybe, to make up for that, my heart explodes every now and then.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, okay.
Thinking, it's okay, it's okay.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Lessons Can Be Harsh
It's raining outside, and I know it's raining in there as well. So heavily.
I am not sure, now, where I get all these theories and lessons from. Unless I am mistaken, that first and last relationship, a real disaster to say the least, taught me quite some simple basics. For example, romance does not equal love. Sweetness can soothe, but not heal. Humans don't understand themselves. Preserve what you can for the ultimate. I'm glad I did, I'm determined to.
On those basics (or are they really that basic?) I just started piling up every other experience I had after that, mainly those of my best friends. I'd seen the infatuation, the flames, the chase, the stress, the hurt, the disappointment, the shocks, the bastards...
What worries me is that these bastards didn't mean to be bastards. True villains are rare to find in reality. I believe that every relationship these 'bastards' started, they'd started sincerely. Or at least, they'd followed their true feelings.
That's the problem. Feelings. However real and true your feelings are for that moment, they never last.
I am not condemning feelings. Emotions are wonderful and God-given. Through emotions, spirits soar higher and will-power is boosted. God moves and by feeling His love and presence, we know He is there. Peace and joy are both feelings. You feel peaceful, you feel joyful. Feelings are good.
But not for making life decisions...
I think I sound rather negative and... well, simply bad, when I say, some people just don't know that they don't mean it when they say that they love someone else. It's not their fault, I guess. They just don't know. Or rather, that 'love' they're talking about is the watered-down, human version.
Yes, I love you, because you make me feel good.
Yes, I love you, because you're beautiful.
Yes, I love you, because you are protective of me.
Yes, I love you, because you make my heart beat fast.
Yes, I love you, because.
I went to Glory Church's youth once, and the topic was on love. Melvin shared that there is the 'if' love and the 'because' love. 'If' love is conditional. 'Because' love is God's love. Strangely, that seemed to make sense, until I got home and told mum about it. She was puzzled.
"What's the difference?"
Yeah, I realized it then too. What is the difference? The real love, God's love, agape, is just love, full stop.
Yes coma I love you fullstop
So far, what I'd learnt to want in a relationship, in any friendship, any romance, is love.
There may, or may not be, pleasure. There may, or may not be, fun. There may, or may not be common ground. We might be able to have the same tastes, or not. We might be able to be totally honest with each other, or not. We might be able to chat about anything, or not.
I don't think I have that much common ground with my gang, namely Melissa, Pearl, Daphne, Rowena, Stanely, Aubrey... We can be rather far apart sometimes. So, so far apart. We don't tell each other everything. Not because we don't want to, but because we don't spend that much time together, but still. We don't know a lot about each other, especially recently.
The rain's stopped.
A few times, when Melissa or Pearl calls me crying, I go speechless. I don't know what to say.
I don't want to tell them that everything's going to be fine when I definitely have no way of guaranteeing or knowing that.
I don't want to keep asking them why and making them remember all the sad details.
I don't want to keep telling them about me, me, me, and how I relate to what they are feeling, as though I can relate, even though relating makes me more involved in that.
And if I just listen, they might feel that I don't care enough. Selfishly, I'm worried about this because I want them to continue liking me, but unselfishly, feeling that a friend doesn't care will definitely make their day worse.
So, until now, I am still trying to figure out, what do I do?
I pray. That's the first and only thing I can do.
One reasoning I have is that, yes. It is good for trails to come. You're going through this horrible problem, and it's good. It breaks me heart to hear you crying on the phone, or knowing that you're really in a bad mood, but it comforts me to know that after this, you'll be able to stand up stronger, wiser, more protected.
More valuable.
I want the best. I think I do. I want the best for my loved ones. And the best is not, in my opinion, to be protected from everything and stay weak and safe, because whatever that house you're in, however strong that castle is, one day it WILL FALL and then the precious person inside will get totally annihilated.
The best is to be strong oneself, and be oneself's castle. Right?
Right.
And then I start thinking, 'But what about all the times other people comforted YOU? You don't hear them saying stupid, cold things like, you'll grow stronger, this is good for you.'
People are nice to me. People can comfort me. Okay, I admit, sometimes they can't. I know a very loyal friend who, unfortunately for him, just can't make me feel better... Except for the fact that, I know he wants me to cheer up, so that works a bit. But he can't do it on purpose.
Nevertheless, most of my loved ones can comfort me, on purpose.
I'm so blessed.
So I don't have the right to give up comforting people because I think that the trial is good for them. I won't be condemning the problem (usually), but I won't say it's good, not in their faces anyway.
...But then that sounds so... two-faced...
Okay. Just close up this post already, Melia.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, safe.
Thinking, don't overthink, don't complicate, you don't need it.
I am not sure, now, where I get all these theories and lessons from. Unless I am mistaken, that first and last relationship, a real disaster to say the least, taught me quite some simple basics. For example, romance does not equal love. Sweetness can soothe, but not heal. Humans don't understand themselves. Preserve what you can for the ultimate. I'm glad I did, I'm determined to.
On those basics (or are they really that basic?) I just started piling up every other experience I had after that, mainly those of my best friends. I'd seen the infatuation, the flames, the chase, the stress, the hurt, the disappointment, the shocks, the bastards...
What worries me is that these bastards didn't mean to be bastards. True villains are rare to find in reality. I believe that every relationship these 'bastards' started, they'd started sincerely. Or at least, they'd followed their true feelings.
That's the problem. Feelings. However real and true your feelings are for that moment, they never last.
I am not condemning feelings. Emotions are wonderful and God-given. Through emotions, spirits soar higher and will-power is boosted. God moves and by feeling His love and presence, we know He is there. Peace and joy are both feelings. You feel peaceful, you feel joyful. Feelings are good.
But not for making life decisions...
I think I sound rather negative and... well, simply bad, when I say, some people just don't know that they don't mean it when they say that they love someone else. It's not their fault, I guess. They just don't know. Or rather, that 'love' they're talking about is the watered-down, human version.
Yes, I love you, because you make me feel good.
Yes, I love you, because you're beautiful.
Yes, I love you, because you are protective of me.
Yes, I love you, because you make my heart beat fast.
Yes, I love you, because.
I went to Glory Church's youth once, and the topic was on love. Melvin shared that there is the 'if' love and the 'because' love. 'If' love is conditional. 'Because' love is God's love. Strangely, that seemed to make sense, until I got home and told mum about it. She was puzzled.
"What's the difference?"
Yeah, I realized it then too. What is the difference? The real love, God's love, agape, is just love, full stop.
Yes coma I love you fullstop
So far, what I'd learnt to want in a relationship, in any friendship, any romance, is love.
There may, or may not be, pleasure. There may, or may not be, fun. There may, or may not be common ground. We might be able to have the same tastes, or not. We might be able to be totally honest with each other, or not. We might be able to chat about anything, or not.
I don't think I have that much common ground with my gang, namely Melissa, Pearl, Daphne, Rowena, Stanely, Aubrey... We can be rather far apart sometimes. So, so far apart. We don't tell each other everything. Not because we don't want to, but because we don't spend that much time together, but still. We don't know a lot about each other, especially recently.
The rain's stopped.
A few times, when Melissa or Pearl calls me crying, I go speechless. I don't know what to say.
I don't want to tell them that everything's going to be fine when I definitely have no way of guaranteeing or knowing that.
I don't want to keep asking them why and making them remember all the sad details.
I don't want to keep telling them about me, me, me, and how I relate to what they are feeling, as though I can relate, even though relating makes me more involved in that.
And if I just listen, they might feel that I don't care enough. Selfishly, I'm worried about this because I want them to continue liking me, but unselfishly, feeling that a friend doesn't care will definitely make their day worse.
So, until now, I am still trying to figure out, what do I do?
I pray. That's the first and only thing I can do.
One reasoning I have is that, yes. It is good for trails to come. You're going through this horrible problem, and it's good. It breaks me heart to hear you crying on the phone, or knowing that you're really in a bad mood, but it comforts me to know that after this, you'll be able to stand up stronger, wiser, more protected.
More valuable.
I want the best. I think I do. I want the best for my loved ones. And the best is not, in my opinion, to be protected from everything and stay weak and safe, because whatever that house you're in, however strong that castle is, one day it WILL FALL and then the precious person inside will get totally annihilated.
The best is to be strong oneself, and be oneself's castle. Right?
Right.
And then I start thinking, 'But what about all the times other people comforted YOU? You don't hear them saying stupid, cold things like, you'll grow stronger, this is good for you.'
People are nice to me. People can comfort me. Okay, I admit, sometimes they can't. I know a very loyal friend who, unfortunately for him, just can't make me feel better... Except for the fact that, I know he wants me to cheer up, so that works a bit. But he can't do it on purpose.
Nevertheless, most of my loved ones can comfort me, on purpose.
I'm so blessed.
So I don't have the right to give up comforting people because I think that the trial is good for them. I won't be condemning the problem (usually), but I won't say it's good, not in their faces anyway.
...But then that sounds so... two-faced...
Okay. Just close up this post already, Melia.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, safe.
Thinking, don't overthink, don't complicate, you don't need it.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Harvest Point 2010
...I feel guilty for procrastinating. But on the other hand, I should copy paste (more or less) what I have in mind and heart right now while it's still fresh.
...Shoot, mum just nagged me into doing my homework. FINE.
9.49pm.
*scribble scribble count count* PA how do you do this? Ah? Okay never mind, skip... This one? Never mind, skip... Skip... *scribble*
10.18pm.
Yeah. See. I forgot all the wonderfulness. I guess I'll just start with the facts and slowly make my way to the 'feelings' aspect.
3 July, 2.59pm
I guess I got sidetracked last night. Well, where was I?
I only started packing the night before camp, which is quite impressive. Not that I'm not ever the procrastinator, but to prepare for a camp like Harvest Point, I seriously need to focus, because only a roof and a floorboard will be there for me to sleep on, and an open-air, public washing place for me to bath in.
I survived, despite not really packing well, mainly because I'm used to the situation already. I still dislike bathing very much. I'm a city girl, not used to the way village folks do things. The bath water used by everyone flooding over my feet, I just can't help but feel icky, and to be like, half-naked in front of other people. even if they are all just women... The kids, especially, seem to really like staring at me. Maybe because I'm this fair-skinned, bespectacled girl who just won't take off her under garments, even while bathing. Weird monster in the midst of them. Stare.
I got bitten by mosquitoes, and as some would know I really, really don't like itchy mosquito bites. But I didn't pay the bites any attention this time, only occasionally the itch will just come in small little pulses, but that's all. Now I have a few red welts on my right arm. Everywhere else, totally itch-free. Thank you Jesus <3
I find myself hesitating to comment on things relating to Christianity, especially when they concern UPC (United Pentecostal Church) because I am not equipped to explain further to whomever wants to know more, and also because I just don't like arguing about beliefs and doctrines. Right now, I'm trying to figure out how I'm supposed to write about the camp, what I'd felt, what I'd seen, as objectively as possible, without being bias, and comparing anything with any other denominations. But how objective can you get when you have to express your own feelings and thoughts?
I feel so skeptical about the passion people express for God, and I feel bad about feeling that way. I feel even worse when I remember that I am one of them, and being a very, very shy girl (I was anyway) to be able to praise God like that in public is a very big deal, a proof that it isn't something faked. So why on earth would I disbelieve anyone else's desire to worship God for all they're worth?... Why.
That was what happened during music worship. That always happens. The jumping, the shouting, the praises and tears, the lifting of arms and the clapping of hands, the dancing.
One thing stuck to my mind during services recently: Dance as David did. He was a king, an honorable, glorious king, and yet he'd dance so wildly, his wife despised him. If a king could throw down his dignity to dance and worship the Lord, then who are we not to? Who am I not to?
So I did, and it was as though every conscious choice I made, every time I lifted my arms (they always feel so heavy during music worship...), skipped, shouted... Lifted my head (likewise, so heavy)... I felt released.
I can only say that much. I'm still learning, and what I'd 'realized', I might one day 'realize' something else that cancels out what I'd learnt now. Makes sense to me, that we're ever learning. We might even learn the wrong things sometimes, which replaces the right things we'd have known all along. We won't know, because whatever you think you're learning at the time, definitely will be something you think is right.
For now, what inspires the feeling to love and serve Jesus is the choices I make that is immediately visible. In a way, I am proving to myself that yes, this is the real deal, I want to live for Him. I don't join altar calls a lot, because I have nothing to say to God up there that won't immediately poke me in the heart and ask, "Seriously?"
Being a Christian all my life, or at least, living with that term, kind of numbs me to what living for God really means. Words and phrases sound just like cliches to me; they were bound to sound like that, when I'd been attending church for all seventeen years of my life. I'd only started being serious about this Christian life when I tagged along to Sandakan back in Form Two to see the start of a new church there.
In the end, not much I can say about Harvest Point 2010. I am guessing it is because while I needed the impact and the sudden rush to get the fire burning fierce again, I'd needed and gotten that said impact so many times before that I'm not sure the flames won't dim down and I'll need another 'camp' again to revive that. It all seems so redundant. I am not saying it isn't supposed to be like that. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, or maybe it is simply inevitable, because I'm still living in the world, therefore susceptible to temptations.
I don't dare to say that I love Jesus, or that He is my everything. Because I am not able to prove it to the world yet. Lest they point and scoff.
But I really, really do love Him, above anyone and anything else. If not, then at least I am certain that I need Him, above anyone and anything else. And being a rather selfish girl, what I need, I want, and what I want, I tend to love.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, calm but murky.
Thinking, in God I trust, or try to. I want to.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Love
Wow, two posts in a day. I might be violating a rule I'd set for my new blog, but as usual, I can't remember. So I won't care.
LOVE!
I don't know how many posts after this one will have the same title. It's such a huge, wide topic, involving everyone and everything. It's everything. At least, it is to me. More than anything else, this post is for who I'm going to be in the future. I forget a lot of stands I take. This is a stand I shouldn't forget, even if I end up not agreeing with myself anymore.
First and foremost, God is love. This is why I believe in love so much. Love is almighty, Love solves all things. Love never bears a grudge and always forgives. Love always protects. Love always perseveres. Makes sense.
Humans are created with the ability to love and the need to be loved. Maybe it has something to do with how, as Christians, we're supposed to aim to be like Christ. Christ is God. God is Love. We are supposed, then, to be like Love. I'm not sure how that works yet. But seeing how powerful love is, it doesn't seem untrue...
Whenever people talk about love, I usually wonder which definition of love they're using.
I've felt such hatred before for someone I said I loved. It shook me so much. I felt like such a hypocrite. That got me thinking about what love is. If love can so easily be dominated by hate, then love isn't that awesome after all. This isn't limited to that romantic relationship; the same went for family & best friends. A fleeting moment of dislike and hatred- And everything concerning the 'love' I had for them was unturned and poured into the drain.
There's a phrase Kiren says. "You must love everyone, but you don't have to like everyone."
Sometimes I find myself disagreeing. Sometimes, I agree. Right now, since I'm analyzing everything so closely, I don't know. I guess if by 'like' it means feel good about and with someone, then I agree.
If I want to know if I still have love in me, I'll think of someone whom I absolutely have no feelings for. Maybe the pudgy guy living in the neighborhood, or the devil boy from my mum's class (he drives her crazy, she comes back complaining, Carmelia is influenced). Maybe that friend of my sister's who thinks she's so tough. Maybe Sharon. Maybe Saddam Hussein. Maybe that man from the news who murdered his family. Maybe that uncle who...
Hm, not bad. I'm feeling okay about them. I don't do this often, because I'm too distracted by the people I like to be bothered about people I dislike and don't see.
Then again, who am I kidding? They're not hurting me. I'm a selfish girl. I don't dislike people who haven't hurt me. I just don't care about them. Remember when dad scolded you? When mum screamed at you? What were you feeling then? Could you have calmly stayed silent and forgive them for hurting you even as they're doing it?
And then there's romance.
What flimsy, WEAK thing. It ends when I stop my iPod. It ends when I face school. It ends when I'm with my family. It ends when I'm stressed out. It ends when I get scolded by an adult. It freaking ENDS when I'm offended.
Romance feels so darn good, I don't kick it out completely. I am able to enjoy it even when I'm heartbroken, that's how much of a romantic I am. But I make it a point to recognize it (it likes visiting me a lot) and keep an eye on it. It'd caused me to do some very stupid things before. Thank God I was such a coward, I didn't do more. Not that I regret those stupid things. The lessons I learnt from them far outweigh in impact the consequences I had to face.
What would I know about romance, anyway? It's not like I adore romance novels (actually, I quite dislike them) and romance movies. I didn't plan to watch When Harry Met Sally and A Walk To Remember. Those are the only two romance movies I can remember at the moment. A friend once expressed shock when he knew I didn't watch romance movies. He loves them.
I only know I'm slightly varied from others in this sense because of the times people talked about romance novels/movies so happily, and I don't feel interested. I like to reciprocate the feelings of the people around me to fit in, so when I can't, I take notice. If I live amongst people who didn't care for movies like those as well, then I don't think I'd have noticed.
***
Just deleted a whole lot of ranting. This post is entitled Love, not Romance Kinda Sucks. :)
And knowing I have an audience for this blog affects my writing too. I can't help it, anymore I can help feeling helpless.
To be able to love at His command... I'd like that very much.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, slightly scared.
Thinking, I don't mind drawing lines, I just don't know where they should go.
LOVE!
I don't know how many posts after this one will have the same title. It's such a huge, wide topic, involving everyone and everything. It's everything. At least, it is to me. More than anything else, this post is for who I'm going to be in the future. I forget a lot of stands I take. This is a stand I shouldn't forget, even if I end up not agreeing with myself anymore.
First and foremost, God is love. This is why I believe in love so much. Love is almighty, Love solves all things. Love never bears a grudge and always forgives. Love always protects. Love always perseveres. Makes sense.
Humans are created with the ability to love and the need to be loved. Maybe it has something to do with how, as Christians, we're supposed to aim to be like Christ. Christ is God. God is Love. We are supposed, then, to be like Love. I'm not sure how that works yet. But seeing how powerful love is, it doesn't seem untrue...
Whenever people talk about love, I usually wonder which definition of love they're using.
I've felt such hatred before for someone I said I loved. It shook me so much. I felt like such a hypocrite. That got me thinking about what love is. If love can so easily be dominated by hate, then love isn't that awesome after all. This isn't limited to that romantic relationship; the same went for family & best friends. A fleeting moment of dislike and hatred- And everything concerning the 'love' I had for them was unturned and poured into the drain.
There's a phrase Kiren says. "You must love everyone, but you don't have to like everyone."
Sometimes I find myself disagreeing. Sometimes, I agree. Right now, since I'm analyzing everything so closely, I don't know. I guess if by 'like' it means feel good about and with someone, then I agree.
If I want to know if I still have love in me, I'll think of someone whom I absolutely have no feelings for. Maybe the pudgy guy living in the neighborhood, or the devil boy from my mum's class (he drives her crazy, she comes back complaining, Carmelia is influenced). Maybe that friend of my sister's who thinks she's so tough. Maybe Sharon. Maybe Saddam Hussein. Maybe that man from the news who murdered his family. Maybe that uncle who...
Hm, not bad. I'm feeling okay about them. I don't do this often, because I'm too distracted by the people I like to be bothered about people I dislike and don't see.
Then again, who am I kidding? They're not hurting me. I'm a selfish girl. I don't dislike people who haven't hurt me. I just don't care about them. Remember when dad scolded you? When mum screamed at you? What were you feeling then? Could you have calmly stayed silent and forgive them for hurting you even as they're doing it?
And then there's romance.
What flimsy, WEAK thing. It ends when I stop my iPod. It ends when I face school. It ends when I'm with my family. It ends when I'm stressed out. It ends when I get scolded by an adult. It freaking ENDS when I'm offended.
Romance feels so darn good, I don't kick it out completely. I am able to enjoy it even when I'm heartbroken, that's how much of a romantic I am. But I make it a point to recognize it (it likes visiting me a lot) and keep an eye on it. It'd caused me to do some very stupid things before. Thank God I was such a coward, I didn't do more. Not that I regret those stupid things. The lessons I learnt from them far outweigh in impact the consequences I had to face.
What would I know about romance, anyway? It's not like I adore romance novels (actually, I quite dislike them) and romance movies. I didn't plan to watch When Harry Met Sally and A Walk To Remember. Those are the only two romance movies I can remember at the moment. A friend once expressed shock when he knew I didn't watch romance movies. He loves them.
I only know I'm slightly varied from others in this sense because of the times people talked about romance novels/movies so happily, and I don't feel interested. I like to reciprocate the feelings of the people around me to fit in, so when I can't, I take notice. If I live amongst people who didn't care for movies like those as well, then I don't think I'd have noticed.
***
Just deleted a whole lot of ranting. This post is entitled Love, not Romance Kinda Sucks. :)
And knowing I have an audience for this blog affects my writing too. I can't help it, anymore I can help feeling helpless.
To be able to love at His command... I'd like that very much.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, slightly scared.
Thinking, I don't mind drawing lines, I just don't know where they should go.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Just A Kid
Woke up at 6.14am. I'd set my alarm to go off at 5.45am, I wanted to go get some lazy sunlight at the park, breathe in some fresh air. Watch some old people exercise. But I ended up in front of the computer (big surprise) to do some Face-Caking & Sunday School preparation.
My neck hurts now, especially when I turn it. Now I can't look to my right without this sharp pain jolting my head and making me slightly nauseous.
I was born around 6pm, October 6th in 1992. Which makes me...
*cricket*
If I assume the calculator starts counting from 12am, then I... Minus... 18 hours.
556, 227, 301 seconds minus how many seconds there are in 18 hours.
How long do I have until my 18th birthday?
And I won't be a juvenile anymore. If I get get dragged to court, I'm protected no more by the Juvenile Court. The media will be able to report my identity to the public.
I may go to clubs. I may drink alcohol. I may smoke. I may marry.
It's scary. It isn't scaring me now, but I know it's scary. To be allowed to do so many things, to carry the responsibility of making my own choices. I don't drink, I definitely don't smoke, and I don't plan to get married anytime soon.
But clubs...
One thing about clubbing is that, you don't know where the line is drawn. It might just be a harmless night out, or it can turn into an all-out riot of frenzy dancing, drinking, maybe even drugs.
If I really think about it, the best is that I never club at all, no matter how 'harmless' I think it is. But, haha, that is what I think now. I never know what I'll do in the future. And with me liking to be outside so late at nights, the possibility of me going, "Oh, what the heck." when someone invites me along is rather huge.
I can't even make myself turn off the computer late at nights to go to bed, even when there's school the next morning and I have to wake up at 6.
Throw me into society, and I don't think I can survive. I went to church some time ago using public transport, and MAN I was so out of place. People were giving me looks, and not that I'm good at reading faces, but they seemed to be thinking, "Apa awek Cina ni buat di sini?" I didn't know what to do with the ticket the conductor gave me, and if it wasn't for a friend from church, I might have simply continued on the bus down to Kudat or village.
I can't bargain. I'm a city girl, but I don't own the shrewdness of one (so unfair). I'd bought things that are way overpriced. No wonder it's a habit of mine not to let mummy see what I buy, in case she blasts me. Thank God for mummy.
This friend, whom I've known for four years, texted me one night and suddenly went, "Give me a chance." I freaked, and immediately I SOSed Melissa. Maklumlah, Melissa has years of experience concerning these things. ;) She took charge, was so confident that I felt envious. Told me what to do, what not to do, even what to think, so that I didn't make a mistake I'd regret, like pitying him so much I'll say yes.
My room can turn from a room into a pig sty within hours. I feel so sorry for Anita. I keep telling her, don't need to clean up my room, don't need to go in, even, but I guess she felt even more sorry for me, and kept going in to clean up anyway.
I found out how to iron a collared shirt from a mistake another princess made. She was trying to iron the shirt in a weird way, which seemed perfectly fine to me at the time, until this other girl exclaimed, "Hey, you iron your clothes like THAT?" Like she was skinning a hamster alive. I was a minute away from revealing that I, too, don't know how to iron a collar shirt. *shudder* Lesson: Unbutton the shirt before ironing it
The list of how not independent I am can go on, and on. Yeah, I may be matured, but that's in how I think. How I act is way different, especially concerning the world. It's still a big, black hole to me, and I'm sure it's the same with Nana. We don't go out much. I don't know to kiss ass adults. Teachers, yes, but they aren't real adults. Are they?
It's 8.30am. Will edit this later. Morning weirdness is attacking full on right now.
EDIT: Back from church, McDonald's, & shoe-shopping. Why are some pf the really fantastic stuff in PINK? Gargh.
My neck still hurts like crazy. It's like, turn to the right, a string in the neck is pulled, sharp pain, instant nausea! According to mum and Tasha, it'll take at least two days. Ah well.
I think it's fine to act like a total baby sometimes, but I really hope I can learn to be more street smart and prove it to my parents. My dad's talking about just letting me study in UMS (local university) because I can't take care of myself. NO.
My functional maturity only manifests itself when the people around me are less capable than me. For example, crossing the road. When with adults or friends of the more 'serious adult' type, I run like a chicken across the road, squealing. When with kids? Hah, automatically, queen of the highway, stop cars with a wave of the royal hand.
Maybe it's just a mentality thing. It should be.
Childishly, Carmelia.
Feeling, like such a baby.
Thinking, so much work to be done. Are they going to get done, Carmelia?
My neck hurts now, especially when I turn it. Now I can't look to my right without this sharp pain jolting my head and making me slightly nauseous.
I was born around 6pm, October 6th in 1992. Which makes me...
*cricket*
6437 days, 19 hours, 33 minutes, 35 seconds old.
(Don't think I calculated this. I don't allow complicated Mathematics so early in the day. I'm good to myself. Got it here: Calculator.)
(Don't think I calculated this. I don't allow complicated Mathematics so early in the day. I'm good to myself. Got it here: Calculator.)
If I assume the calculator starts counting from 12am, then I... Minus... 18 hours.
6437 days, 1 hour, 33 minutes, 35 seconds old
556, 227, 301 seconds minus how many seconds there are in 18 hours.
How long do I have until my 18th birthday?
135 days, 16 hours, 24 minutes, 1 second
And I won't be a juvenile anymore. If I get get dragged to court, I'm protected no more by the Juvenile Court. The media will be able to report my identity to the public.
I may go to clubs. I may drink alcohol. I may smoke. I may marry.
It's scary. It isn't scaring me now, but I know it's scary. To be allowed to do so many things, to carry the responsibility of making my own choices. I don't drink, I definitely don't smoke, and I don't plan to get married anytime soon.
But clubs...
One thing about clubbing is that, you don't know where the line is drawn. It might just be a harmless night out, or it can turn into an all-out riot of frenzy dancing, drinking, maybe even drugs.
If I really think about it, the best is that I never club at all, no matter how 'harmless' I think it is. But, haha, that is what I think now. I never know what I'll do in the future. And with me liking to be outside so late at nights, the possibility of me going, "Oh, what the heck." when someone invites me along is rather huge.
I can't even make myself turn off the computer late at nights to go to bed, even when there's school the next morning and I have to wake up at 6.
Throw me into society, and I don't think I can survive. I went to church some time ago using public transport, and MAN I was so out of place. People were giving me looks, and not that I'm good at reading faces, but they seemed to be thinking, "Apa awek Cina ni buat di sini?" I didn't know what to do with the ticket the conductor gave me, and if it wasn't for a friend from church, I might have simply continued on the bus down to Kudat or village.
I can't bargain. I'm a city girl, but I don't own the shrewdness of one (so unfair). I'd bought things that are way overpriced. No wonder it's a habit of mine not to let mummy see what I buy, in case she blasts me. Thank God for mummy.
This friend, whom I've known for four years, texted me one night and suddenly went, "Give me a chance." I freaked, and immediately I SOSed Melissa. Maklumlah, Melissa has years of experience concerning these things. ;) She took charge, was so confident that I felt envious. Told me what to do, what not to do, even what to think, so that I didn't make a mistake I'd regret, like pitying him so much I'll say yes.
My room can turn from a room into a pig sty within hours. I feel so sorry for Anita. I keep telling her, don't need to clean up my room, don't need to go in, even, but I guess she felt even more sorry for me, and kept going in to clean up anyway.
I found out how to iron a collared shirt from a mistake another princess made. She was trying to iron the shirt in a weird way, which seemed perfectly fine to me at the time, until this other girl exclaimed, "Hey, you iron your clothes like THAT?" Like she was skinning a hamster alive. I was a minute away from revealing that I, too, don't know how to iron a collar shirt. *shudder* Lesson: Unbutton the shirt before ironing it
The list of how not independent I am can go on, and on. Yeah, I may be matured, but that's in how I think. How I act is way different, especially concerning the world. It's still a big, black hole to me, and I'm sure it's the same with Nana. We don't go out much. I don't know to kiss ass adults. Teachers, yes, but they aren't real adults. Are they?
It's 8.30am. Will edit this later. Morning weirdness is attacking full on right now.
EDIT: Back from church, McDonald's, & shoe-shopping. Why are some pf the really fantastic stuff in PINK? Gargh.
My neck still hurts like crazy. It's like, turn to the right, a string in the neck is pulled, sharp pain, instant nausea! According to mum and Tasha, it'll take at least two days. Ah well.
I think it's fine to act like a total baby sometimes, but I really hope I can learn to be more street smart and prove it to my parents. My dad's talking about just letting me study in UMS (local university) because I can't take care of myself. NO.
My functional maturity only manifests itself when the people around me are less capable than me. For example, crossing the road. When with adults or friends of the more 'serious adult' type, I run like a chicken across the road, squealing. When with kids? Hah, automatically, queen of the highway, stop cars with a wave of the royal hand.
Maybe it's just a mentality thing. It should be.
Childishly, Carmelia.
Feeling, like such a baby.
Thinking, so much work to be done. Are they going to get done, Carmelia?
Friday, May 21, 2010
When Things Go Wrong
When things go wrong...
Sometimes, the thing going wrong is one big, horrible problem.
Sometimes, each problem is moderate, but then everything is going wrong at the same time.
Sometimes, things aren't so bad.
Sometimes, it's not a problem at all.
Sometimes, you cannot even think about how wrong, how ridiculously wrong things are.
I may be incorrect, but most of the people I know and love are unable to handle disasters well. They can, because if they cannot, they'd have committed suicide. But they can't handle it well.
I'm one of them. I'm extremely weak, and I'm still learning to toughen myself up when the going gets tough, so that I can get going. I thought I was strong, and I sure can act it. I know to act the strength out because as a big sister (not just to my siblings, but to many little cousins as well), a false sense of authority has always been exercised by me. With authority is pride, and with pride, you tend not to reveal your weaknesses willingly.
I remember when I crashed the family car. I even managed to convince myself that I was fine, I was strong, I'm okay, and everyone else was just fussing way too much. In actual fact, my parents took the whole thing so cool and calm, I thought they were just quiet from the shock. But the dreaded volcanic eruption never came; they were not shocked, simply calm.
The only volcanic eruption that took place was inside me. I couldn't sleep that night, a mental video playing again and again in my mind. How the car just swerved, and how horribly gigantic the impact was. There seemed to be a gap in between panic and the actual impact. An empty, black gap. That was not all. There was guilt and fear as well. I cannot be too specific here. But it was terrible.
It didn't seem so. But it felt so, and I was confused. I kept trying to tell myself, hey, cut it out, it's alright, you're alive, it's fine.
It was not your typical misery, this one. I don't think it's called 'sad', or 'fear'. All I remember now is this big blur of frazzled black lines where my emotions were supposed to be. I would have been really interested, and tried sorting my feelings and thoughts out to find out more, but I couldn't. I ended up crying anyway, saying sorry to my dad when he came into the room, still trying to solve the aftermath of my accident. So weak. So... human.
But however weak I am, I think I'd always choose to be the victim in the place of loved ones, given a choice. I'd rather bear the depression, the heartbroken feeling, the confusion...
Not because I'm awesome and all loving. No. Because, I absolutely HATE it when I know how terrible a parent, a sibling, a friend's feeling and I can do nothing about it. That helplessness, I dislike. :(
It's a helplessness that leads to nonchalance (or is it?...). I know that little bit of fact about myself. When I can't do anything about something, I tend to just leave it alone and busy myself with something else. That is partly why I procrastinate so much. I don't know how to start an assignment, for example, and I'll be so annoyed by it, I'll push it aside. The same goes for when loved ones are in distress. I don't know how to start the comfort and assistance, and I'll be so frustrated at myself, I'll give up and go away, hoping and knowing (thinking?) that someone else can do the job better than I can.
And I think it's the truth. Apart from my four family members, anyone else, any friend, will have someone else who can comfort them better. They do have their own family members after all, or friends who are closer, or, in some cases, a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I do my part, I show that I care and that I am concerned. What else can I do?
I'm okay with that little I do. I know that little will mean a lot. But on a few occasions, I'm somewhat more affected than usual, and I'll be feeling bad and worried because I can't make sure that everything will be okay for them.
My best friends, I tend not to concern myself too much. :) I trust that their family, their boyfriends, will be able to take care of them. I trust that they will let me know when they need me. You girls do know that, don't you? :)
Is it okay to assume that, friends and family love me so much that if they knew I'm troubled about their condition, they'd be even MORE troubled? Which is why I don't really want to be all, :( XS :( XS :( XS :( XS :( XS :( XS :(... Even though I feel like that.
But then again, if I put a smile, people might think I take their problems too lightly. Confusing. Or maybe I'm thinking too much.
The gift of comforting people is really a GIFT. That's why when I know someone is trying to cheer me up or make me feel better, I just accept whatever he/she has to give, even if it's not working. What's the phrase? "Oh well. Their intentions are good."
And in a nice way, knowing that actually makes their comforting work.
I usually complain to my mum and siblings, and that divides my stress. But when it's something I can't tell them, it's Jesus. As a matter of fact, before I even think about anyone else, my first thought should be about Jesus.
I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but I'm currently trying my best to disconnect mind from heart whenever something really wrong happens and the heart is attacked. I guess I don't want the logic of the mind to be affected as well, so all connections are severed. I'm not succeeding, but I think I'm making progress. :D It really helps to remember Jesus. Beginning and the End. Author of Peace. Almighty.
Well, how wrong can things get when the One who always does right is in supreme charge? :D
Alrightness, Carmelia.
Feeling, at ease.
Thinking, I need to practice my theories.
Sometimes, the thing going wrong is one big, horrible problem.
Sometimes, each problem is moderate, but then everything is going wrong at the same time.
Sometimes, things aren't so bad.
Sometimes, it's not a problem at all.
Sometimes, you cannot even think about how wrong, how ridiculously wrong things are.
I may be incorrect, but most of the people I know and love are unable to handle disasters well. They can, because if they cannot, they'd have committed suicide. But they can't handle it well.
I'm one of them. I'm extremely weak, and I'm still learning to toughen myself up when the going gets tough, so that I can get going. I thought I was strong, and I sure can act it. I know to act the strength out because as a big sister (not just to my siblings, but to many little cousins as well), a false sense of authority has always been exercised by me. With authority is pride, and with pride, you tend not to reveal your weaknesses willingly.
I remember when I crashed the family car. I even managed to convince myself that I was fine, I was strong, I'm okay, and everyone else was just fussing way too much. In actual fact, my parents took the whole thing so cool and calm, I thought they were just quiet from the shock. But the dreaded volcanic eruption never came; they were not shocked, simply calm.
The only volcanic eruption that took place was inside me. I couldn't sleep that night, a mental video playing again and again in my mind. How the car just swerved, and how horribly gigantic the impact was. There seemed to be a gap in between panic and the actual impact. An empty, black gap. That was not all. There was guilt and fear as well. I cannot be too specific here. But it was terrible.
It didn't seem so. But it felt so, and I was confused. I kept trying to tell myself, hey, cut it out, it's alright, you're alive, it's fine.
It was not your typical misery, this one. I don't think it's called 'sad', or 'fear'. All I remember now is this big blur of frazzled black lines where my emotions were supposed to be. I would have been really interested, and tried sorting my feelings and thoughts out to find out more, but I couldn't. I ended up crying anyway, saying sorry to my dad when he came into the room, still trying to solve the aftermath of my accident. So weak. So... human.
But however weak I am, I think I'd always choose to be the victim in the place of loved ones, given a choice. I'd rather bear the depression, the heartbroken feeling, the confusion...
Not because I'm awesome and all loving. No. Because, I absolutely HATE it when I know how terrible a parent, a sibling, a friend's feeling and I can do nothing about it. That helplessness, I dislike. :(
It's a helplessness that leads to nonchalance (or is it?...). I know that little bit of fact about myself. When I can't do anything about something, I tend to just leave it alone and busy myself with something else. That is partly why I procrastinate so much. I don't know how to start an assignment, for example, and I'll be so annoyed by it, I'll push it aside. The same goes for when loved ones are in distress. I don't know how to start the comfort and assistance, and I'll be so frustrated at myself, I'll give up and go away, hoping and knowing (thinking?) that someone else can do the job better than I can.
And I think it's the truth. Apart from my four family members, anyone else, any friend, will have someone else who can comfort them better. They do have their own family members after all, or friends who are closer, or, in some cases, a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I do my part, I show that I care and that I am concerned. What else can I do?
I'm okay with that little I do. I know that little will mean a lot. But on a few occasions, I'm somewhat more affected than usual, and I'll be feeling bad and worried because I can't make sure that everything will be okay for them.
My best friends, I tend not to concern myself too much. :) I trust that their family, their boyfriends, will be able to take care of them. I trust that they will let me know when they need me. You girls do know that, don't you? :)
Is it okay to assume that, friends and family love me so much that if they knew I'm troubled about their condition, they'd be even MORE troubled? Which is why I don't really want to be all, :( XS :( XS :( XS :( XS :( XS :( XS :(... Even though I feel like that.
But then again, if I put a smile, people might think I take their problems too lightly. Confusing. Or maybe I'm thinking too much.
The gift of comforting people is really a GIFT. That's why when I know someone is trying to cheer me up or make me feel better, I just accept whatever he/she has to give, even if it's not working. What's the phrase? "Oh well. Their intentions are good."
And in a nice way, knowing that actually makes their comforting work.
I usually complain to my mum and siblings, and that divides my stress. But when it's something I can't tell them, it's Jesus. As a matter of fact, before I even think about anyone else, my first thought should be about Jesus.
I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but I'm currently trying my best to disconnect mind from heart whenever something really wrong happens and the heart is attacked. I guess I don't want the logic of the mind to be affected as well, so all connections are severed. I'm not succeeding, but I think I'm making progress. :D It really helps to remember Jesus. Beginning and the End. Author of Peace. Almighty.
Well, how wrong can things get when the One who always does right is in supreme charge? :D
Alrightness, Carmelia.
Feeling, at ease.
Thinking, I need to practice my theories.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
End of Form 6 Orientation Week 2010
Orientation Week, in terms of achieving its purpose, sort of failed. I didn't feel particularly orientated towards Kota Kinabalu High School. I don't know about the new students. Perhaps Orientation Week worked for them. Then again, hanging around a new location for five days, whatever you do, you'd get used to it.
But it's okay. I don't need to get orientated.
OW started last Wednesday, and dragged on until yesterday. Every morning, we met at the hall, before going to the canteen for breakfast and talk. I hung out mostly with Lai Yee Wei (Ah Lai), Chong Li Ying, and Ng Jia Phui. Didn't mean I hanged myself on them, though. As ever, as always, I tend to find myself drifting on the outskirts of the crowd. Alone but, not a loner.
Talks on various subjects punctuated our otherwise lazy days. The teachers seemed intent on scaring us into kicking Science away. Listening to them talk about the syllabus and practicals needed to be done gave me a slight headache. No wonder STPM is claimed to be one of the world's most difficult examinations, relatively speaking.
But at the end of the day, the students were more intent on being ambitious and face the challenge head-on. There are 18 of us now in 6 Rendah Sains, which is actually a huge number compared with the Science classes of previous years. Or so the teachers say.
Our head is Mr. Goh Boon Swee. He teaches Chemistry, and as I'd suspected, is extremely intense. To be that good in a subject that notorious, you have to be intense. He strides in, strides out... He doesn't rush, but neither does he walk. Strides. Like he's on an errand for God Himself. I mean that in a good way, because to be efficient, I guess you can't laze about or slack.
Now, I get personal.
I hardly believe it, but my self-confidence has steeled so much, I'm able to tied my hair up, all the way UP, tight, neat, a total egg-headed geek, and go to school. In the past I'd at least have tried to mess up my hair a bit, so that locks of it will fall by my face.
But not this time.
I'd also abandoned my contacts and wore my Dickies spectacles. In the past, I'd have worn my contacts, for the sake of looking good, even if they were way past their expiry dates, even if I was sleepy and my eyes hurt.
But, not this time.
Two people said I looked better wearing glasses. Namely, Ervin John and Chong Li Ying. I barely thanked them, because I didn't think it was a big deal. Last year, maybe, I'd have felt really good about it. This time, since I was wearing my spectacles out of disregard for beauty, I didn't care. Still, I must care to a certain degree to have noticed this at all :)
Today, we began our lessons. Pengajian Am (General Paper in Bahasa) has a section where it's simple Mathematics. Just basic statistics, and I had a little fun with them. :D BIG DEAL, alright? I used to hate Mathematics so much I'd cry while doing them. Like I cried practicing the piano once, back when I was suffering in Grade 3.
The only problem I'll have with Pengajian Am is the information. I'm okay with the medium (Bahasa), I'm fine with the interpretation of information, but the information which we are required to retain in our heads, the AM in the Pengajian Am itself, is a big problem. For example, Gangsterism. We were to write on ways to overcome this problem, and for every point, we have to have at least three facts. Facts as in, Acts, Laws, Incidents... Things politicians say... (I don't know why what politicians say are so important.)
It's already a bit frustrating trying to dig out stuff like that on the internet. How annoying it was, trying to sew them together with my points. And for someone to thinks too much, like me, I end up throwing points away because I'd accidentally think of at least three rebuttals to that particular point. I don't like arguing for something I don't want to argue for.
I think I'll end up making my parents spend a fortune on books, because I want the latest texts for all my subjects. For Chemistry alone, there are around six books the teacher told us to get ("If you want to invest!"). Biology and Additional Mathematics are heavy duty subjects as well, so I don't expect less than RM80 for the books required for each.
Cikgu Lim Tong Seng told my mum that if I went for Art Stream, I'd easily (comparatively) score my four flat.
I know. I am so tempted to go for my Art and Languages, and live the last few years of my teenage the way I want to live it. Comfortably, wildly. Night rides, new friends, excitement... Blah. But what happened after that? None of the professions of Art, or Languages, attracts me as much as the practicality of, and the service I can offer as, a doctor.
Facebook will be a very huge factor if I end up distracted from my studies.
Well, have to sign off now. I slept through part of MUET today. My body always feels so drained. I've been taking these Iron and Folic Acid pills, and I have to go back to the doctor to check if they're helping. There's no need to check, even. I can just tell them, NO. My left arm is kind of sore from all those injections.
I like injections. If they jab me some more, I might even come to love them. The feeling of a cold, metal needle under my skin...
It's 10:16pm, sixteen minutes past curfew. Off to bed now. Will be slowly devouring some dream food. I'm always scared of good books. I know they'll manage to make a very painful, permanent mark somewhere in there. :)
10:20pm.
Hurriedly signing off, Carmelia.
Feeling, physically, emotionally, mentally weak.
Thinking, it's weird writing so much and not infesting my words with emoticons.
But it's okay. I don't need to get orientated.
OW started last Wednesday, and dragged on until yesterday. Every morning, we met at the hall, before going to the canteen for breakfast and talk. I hung out mostly with Lai Yee Wei (Ah Lai), Chong Li Ying, and Ng Jia Phui. Didn't mean I hanged myself on them, though. As ever, as always, I tend to find myself drifting on the outskirts of the crowd. Alone but, not a loner.
Talks on various subjects punctuated our otherwise lazy days. The teachers seemed intent on scaring us into kicking Science away. Listening to them talk about the syllabus and practicals needed to be done gave me a slight headache. No wonder STPM is claimed to be one of the world's most difficult examinations, relatively speaking.
But at the end of the day, the students were more intent on being ambitious and face the challenge head-on. There are 18 of us now in 6 Rendah Sains, which is actually a huge number compared with the Science classes of previous years. Or so the teachers say.
Our head is Mr. Goh Boon Swee. He teaches Chemistry, and as I'd suspected, is extremely intense. To be that good in a subject that notorious, you have to be intense. He strides in, strides out... He doesn't rush, but neither does he walk. Strides. Like he's on an errand for God Himself. I mean that in a good way, because to be efficient, I guess you can't laze about or slack.
Now, I get personal.
I hardly believe it, but my self-confidence has steeled so much, I'm able to tied my hair up, all the way UP, tight, neat, a total egg-headed geek, and go to school. In the past I'd at least have tried to mess up my hair a bit, so that locks of it will fall by my face.
But not this time.
I'd also abandoned my contacts and wore my Dickies spectacles. In the past, I'd have worn my contacts, for the sake of looking good, even if they were way past their expiry dates, even if I was sleepy and my eyes hurt.
But, not this time.
Two people said I looked better wearing glasses. Namely, Ervin John and Chong Li Ying. I barely thanked them, because I didn't think it was a big deal. Last year, maybe, I'd have felt really good about it. This time, since I was wearing my spectacles out of disregard for beauty, I didn't care. Still, I must care to a certain degree to have noticed this at all :)
Today, we began our lessons. Pengajian Am (General Paper in Bahasa) has a section where it's simple Mathematics. Just basic statistics, and I had a little fun with them. :D BIG DEAL, alright? I used to hate Mathematics so much I'd cry while doing them. Like I cried practicing the piano once, back when I was suffering in Grade 3.
The only problem I'll have with Pengajian Am is the information. I'm okay with the medium (Bahasa), I'm fine with the interpretation of information, but the information which we are required to retain in our heads, the AM in the Pengajian Am itself, is a big problem. For example, Gangsterism. We were to write on ways to overcome this problem, and for every point, we have to have at least three facts. Facts as in, Acts, Laws, Incidents... Things politicians say... (I don't know why what politicians say are so important.)
It's already a bit frustrating trying to dig out stuff like that on the internet. How annoying it was, trying to sew them together with my points. And for someone to thinks too much, like me, I end up throwing points away because I'd accidentally think of at least three rebuttals to that particular point. I don't like arguing for something I don't want to argue for.
I think I'll end up making my parents spend a fortune on books, because I want the latest texts for all my subjects. For Chemistry alone, there are around six books the teacher told us to get ("If you want to invest!"). Biology and Additional Mathematics are heavy duty subjects as well, so I don't expect less than RM80 for the books required for each.
Cikgu Lim Tong Seng told my mum that if I went for Art Stream, I'd easily (comparatively) score my four flat.
I know. I am so tempted to go for my Art and Languages, and live the last few years of my teenage the way I want to live it. Comfortably, wildly. Night rides, new friends, excitement... Blah. But what happened after that? None of the professions of Art, or Languages, attracts me as much as the practicality of, and the service I can offer as, a doctor.
Facebook will be a very huge factor if I end up distracted from my studies.
Well, have to sign off now. I slept through part of MUET today. My body always feels so drained. I've been taking these Iron and Folic Acid pills, and I have to go back to the doctor to check if they're helping. There's no need to check, even. I can just tell them, NO. My left arm is kind of sore from all those injections.
I like injections. If they jab me some more, I might even come to love them. The feeling of a cold, metal needle under my skin...
It's 10:16pm, sixteen minutes past curfew. Off to bed now. Will be slowly devouring some dream food. I'm always scared of good books. I know they'll manage to make a very painful, permanent mark somewhere in there. :)
10:20pm.
Hurriedly signing off, Carmelia.
Feeling, physically, emotionally, mentally weak.
Thinking, it's weird writing so much and not infesting my words with emoticons.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
