Thursday: No Doughnuts.

Or rather, there were. A lot, actually. I think the canteen operators realized that their doughnuts were sellling like hot cakes faster than the small cakes they decorate so prettily but overprice.

Too bad, too bad. I couldn't let myself touch another one of those things today, after the eight I had yesterday. It was addiction, literally. My classmates found it a bit amusing, I suppose... Nevertheless, I know that they are concerned. Otherwise I wouldn't have posted the 'If anyone catches me having one doughnut, you can claim RM1 per doughnut from me.' status on Facecake.

CSF even went online & helped me check out my basal metabolism (estimated only, of course).

Now, quite some people give me advice on how to lose weight, including Jeffrey, mum, church friends, classmates, pa... & honestly, some of them irritate me a little. I love them to bits, I really do. The fact that they care enough to support me is awesome.

However, I've been getting too many different types of advices. Over the years, not just recently. I've tried some & failed, some I simply don't believe in, & some that isn't practical for me.

Bottom line now is: Unless you're someone who is also trying to lose weight, or someone who has struggled with it before, chances are, I won't really take your advices too seriously. Unless I think it makes sense, or unless you're Nigel.

Sometimes I absolutely love exercise. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I can go days without any proper meals at all & feel perfectly fine. Sometimes I go four hours without carbohydrates & end up feeling like I'd lock lips with a dementor. Sometimes I'm disciplined enough to eat healthy and in controlled portions. Sometimes I pig out. Sometimes I don't care about how much I weigh. Most times, I do.

I don't know why, but recently, whenever someone disses me or is mean to me, I feel a terrible, sharp... Anger. I know it's natural to feel irritated when people, you know, irritate you. But these times were oddly... I felt oddly destructive. They pass. I force myself to shaddap and forget them, because I know I'd end up binging & purging & crying again.

Just called boy minutes ago. He was tired, both last night & this evening, so he ended up sleeping early, before waking up around the time I go to bed. I think. Things like him being tired, him being sleepy, completing presentations, going this place that place-

Catch myself. I think I'll end up listing down practically everything he does. Maybe what I'm trying to say is that, anything going on in his life simply reminds me again that I'm in love with a... A living, breathing, human being. I know I'm stating the painfully obvious obvious, but perhaps, when you don't get to see the person you fight your own stupid self for, & you don't know how they are, & what they're doing, you tend to dissociate him from reality. So to know that he's taking a shower, or having dinner with his dad, it...

I don't know what it does. I know that, when he tells me what he does over the phone, I tend to want to say things like 'Poor thing' & 'I love you' & 'I miss you so much'. Most of all, I just want to smile & laugh, even though nothing's hilarious, & hug him.

It's almost eleven. I MUST go to bed now.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, inhibited.
Thinking, ...I should go to bed.

Wednesday: Debate

Nothing of the highlight sort happened today. Except that I had eight doughnuts. I'd posted on Facebook that anyone catching me eating a doughnut tomorrow will be able to claim RM1 from me.

Went for debate instead of PBSM & Badminton Club meeting. They seemed quite... Glad that I'm around to help, I suppose. I don't know. When I asked whether I'm helping, they said yes, & didn't seem to hesitate about it.

Haha, I know, I think too much. But I just want to be sure that I'm not forcing myself on them. I don't like that.

I noticed them glancing at my left arm & nudging each other. I consciously hid the scars from view after that. I don't mind, really, people seeing. But of course, I'd hide them whenever I can.

Oh. And I really hate it when mum says mean things. About us, about other people- She's actually a very self-sacrificing person. I have come to realize that. But the way she defends herself or tries to lighten her own burdens is... Not the most advantageous way. I'm trying my best not to be influenced by her negativity.

When I'm a mother, I must keep in mind to be cheerful, & always nice to other people. I know that things happen, but still, I must try. I'm only going to be a mother to kids for a few years, I should make the best of it.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, tired.
Thinking, if time would stop, I think I'd pack my bags, walk & learn to operate a boat, just to get to where you are now.

Tuesday; Pig-Out!

Okay, so I have no idea what today's highlight is. Staying back for MUET speaking practice? Getting to know how we did for Speaking yesterday? Chemistry lesson?

For me, what totally made up my mood was how much I ate.

Morning!

; Warm green tea- perfectly fine.

; Oat- Not that fine, but still, healthy.

; Wholemeal bread sandwiching Hoko spread & Peanut Butter & Jam- I tried to resist, but couldn't. So I made a few, cutting everything into small, cute little pieces, so that I can bring some to school, & also for mei to eat in the car.

Recess!

; Sandwich- From my tapau. I didn't finish everything though, I'd given most of them to my friends.

; Porridge!- Don't ask why I had it. I don't know, maybe I was hungry, maybe I felt jealous that other people could eat & I couldn't shouldn't.

; Kuih- The green, pancake thing, rolled up with coconut thingy inside.

; Little cake- Steamed, with some chocolate thingy inside. Quite small... But it was condensed XS

After School!

; Doughnuts times 2- Okay, honestly I don't remember having this. I am really not sure. Maybe it's because I'd stood there for quite some time, wondering whether to buy them or not. Hm. I think I didn't have these. Not sure. What the heck, just put them in.

; Fried Mee Hoon- THIS IS THE STUPID !#%^&**&% I shoudn't have had. I'm sure I wasn't feeling HUNGRY at the time.

Well, frankly speaking, I don't know what hungry feels like now. Whether it's hunger, or just cravings.

At any rate, it tasted so good T___T I think what made me buy it (the last serving of mee hoon, can you believe my luck? Bad or good, it's still up for debate, though) was remembering that it was Nigel's lunch last Friday. It looked good, it smelt good, & Nigel had it. Clincher much! Okay, pathetic, but it really looked good that Friday afternoon.

; Doughnuts times three- These I DEFINITELY had. Because after these, I felt so bad & angry at myself- it dragged on until around... six, seven?

But I love doughnuts so much T___T BUT I'M ON A FRIGGIN DIET, CARMELIA. But but you need to eat- BUT NOT DOUGHNUTS!

How about: I can have doughnuts whenevr I finish a section of Math? :D Okay, forget it. Just typing it out makes me feel all blahhh.

After that, I didn't have anything. It helped to be on Tumblr! I wanted to go jogging, but it stated raining D: So it was Tumblr, Tumblr, Tumblr- Not sitting on a chair, just kinda crouching, telling myself, in a minute I'll go DDR, in a minute, in thirty seconds- Obviously, two hours passed like that before I actually got down to DDR. Like, pshawww, duh.

Tumblr makes me want to lose weight, so I don't consider it a waste of time. All those pretty, beautiful, slim, pettie, tiny, delicate girls... heart! Also, it makes me happy & inspired- to write, to draw, to colour, to be nice, to be strong, to live, to seize the day! I might straightaway rush out to start doing a hundred jumping jacks or paint my shoes or whatever, but at least the inspiration grows inside me :D

I tried to C-Walk a little. The basic V is pretty simple- I practiced a little to Justin Ellis' Drumma Boy (Hooked on this song recently, but it's wearing off) & now a small part of the sole of my left foot is a little raw from the chaffing, even though I wore socks.

Raw. Reminds me of Saturday night.

Anyhow, Tumblr-ed somemore & got addicted reblogging posts from this Phillipine girl's Tumblr profile. MAN I LOVE TUMBLR. Fun fact: Tumblr's creator is a cute guy. Emphasis on cute! :D It's interesting because because, uhm, people who create stuff like Facebook, Myspace, Google, Yahoo- Not really cute, teenager guy types. But Tumblr? :D Goes to show how Tumblr owns, dude B) Yes, I'm a convert. Tumblr! *waves flag*

Wow. I was tired before I started this post. I only began typing because I wanna be commited to this blogiary thingy, for Nigel, in case he wants to know how my day went.

& I benefit too! I get to look back on everything that has happened. I need to learn to be more consistent with my views, thoughts, feelings...

I'd like to talk some more about how my mum's mood affects me, how much I'm into Organic Chemistry now, how well Cikgu Goh teaches God's style of teaching suits me, how pa's in Sarawak for the election, how tomorrow's going to be another long day, how I wanna bake today- I might bake tomorrow morning, if I wake early enough! And I'd looked at the clock a few minutes ago. SHOCKER. It's already ten fifteen

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, worried.

Thinking, I hope Jona isn't offended by me. Maybe I should be a more proper girl- But that isn't me. EDIT: I'D TYPED SO MUCH MORE BUT IT'S ALL GONE NOW SOBS SOBS SOBS. Concerning Yii Chyng giving me stuff & Ashrul's trick on me that I fell for & the shriek I sounded that was totally humiliating.

Monday; MUET Speaking Trial; Cheerleading!

Our MUET trial was at 9am, so I had to leave Biology class (They were doing this 'experiment' which involved drawing sliced orchids- SLICED ORCHIDS!) to join Angus, Ashrul & CSF for our exam. We're the first group for every MUET speaking examination, so it's kind of a disadvantage. But at least we get it over with quickly! :D Teacher Victoria, who is our examiner, has told me before that my teammates kinda cause me to not get the higher marks that I am able to get. In a way, it's true, especially for Angus. He's a steady speaker, but a little slow, & I barely dare to interupt him or, as the teacher says, 'make the discussion not like a dead fish' because I'd seem to totally take over. Ashrul is always alright, though he is stubborn & always sticks to his stand. CSF gets way too nervous, so he stutters & doesn't say much sometimes. So... We'll be staying back tomorrow, Thursday AND Friday to practice speaking together. I don't mind, because it seems fun to be able to stay back with my friends & have lunch with them. Also, I might be able to get more work done in school, where there are people around me watching, instead of going home & utterly slack off into oblivion. Cheerleading was still quite a mess today, without Douglas (the only boy in our team) and Azera (one of the best dancers from the Cultural Dance Club). Yii Chyng & Ee Ee guided us through stretching exercises! After that Ee Ee & a few of her friends taught us some dance steps, which were not too difficult, not too easy. Even though there were way too many rests & stops as they discussed how to do this & that, still, at the end of the day, when I gathered them together for a short briefing (pep talk much) they all exclaimed that they had fun. Whether or not some of them were being sarcastic, I don't know- But it felt good :) It felt nice to be sort of leading a bunch of girls who clapped so loudly & cheered when they went out five by five to try out the dance steps in front of everyone else. Even though mistakes were made. Even though some of us were lousy. But they cheered! That's the spirit of being a cheerleader. I really hope we'd be able to get this up and going, & turn cheerleading into a unique discipline in school. Most important would be the cheerful, sporting attitude. It's important to instill that, so that when Sport's Day rolls around, they wouldn't just concentrate on the competition & looking good- they's actually CARE a lot about how their Houses are doing, & stand in the sun to cheer for those participating in the events. Not that I wanted to lead XS I'd joined cheerleading, expecting to learn a lot of things, & to be forced to exercise- cheerleading is a very demanding sport, physically, and I love how it tones the body but doesn't rough anything up, like basketball and badminton. Nevertheless, it's a mess. As the saying goes, if you want anything done right, do it yourself- or rather, in my case, if you want anything done YOUR way, do it yourself. I don't want this cheerleading thing to be a mediocre, just to pass time thing. I remember the days when my mum trained the Red House Cheerleading Squad for the annual cheerleading competition between houses in schools- The commitment, the discipline, the excitement <3 It's like being involved in perbarisan all over again, except this time, no suffering under the scorcing sun listening to speeches, prettier costumes, sheer workouts that gives you a hot body (IKR) & MUSIC! So much better, so why not? :D Okay, I don't know about the hot body. But it's a start. Change starts with you. I'm not much, I'm not that efficient, & I feel bossy & stupid trying to organize this, but it's a start. Who knows, yeah? Cheers for cheerleading! Signed, Carmelia. Feeling, happy. Thinking, I wanna do toe touches splits gherkins platform raises straddle raises yeah.

Sunday; Boy Leaves Again

Played the piano for church service this morning, with only Nicholas for guitar. It's difficult, because there's nothing to cover me up if I make mistakes- And since they transpose the keys, it's difficult NOT to make mistakes playing chords other than what my eyes see on the paper, especially since I'm to sing & worship along as well. But it's all good! Good training, that is :D Returned home after church service, with doughnuts in tow <3 Jerry was sick, so he didn't go for service. I relaxed, reading newspaper, had brunch, showered, Tumblred, watched television- before leaving for the church meeting. The BM service was still going on by the time I reached church, & they straightaway went on to the general meeting for the church congregation. It was interesting to see how the management actually worked behind the scenes- Who was in charge of what. Being in the English congregation, we don't get very involved in the management of the church. I was the only English congregation member there- Tasha, Collin & Faith went to Suria. We'd met when I got there, & they asked if I wanted to join, but it wouldn't be nice to ditch the meeting like that so I declined. Tasha felt a bit bad, leaving me like that. How nice of her :) I didn't mind, because I'd planned to go see Nigel after the meeting. And... I did :D Mum didn't call, not even once. I went to Pick & Pay to get some more doughnuts (I'm on a diet & I still... I'm nuts) & to kill time waiting for Nigel to return home. After getting what I wanted, I went over to his place to wait- Only to find his mum standing at the gate. Okay. I must admit, I was almost freaking out. But I didn't- There wasn't any reason for me to. I U-turned the Avanza, parked & waved. :D HI AUNTY! I don't know whether she saw me or not, but she didn't respond. It's awwight. :) Apparently Nigel had the house keys & Aunty Lai Har was unhappy about it. So I decided not to approach her until Nigel comes back. Raymond sent him, with Clem & Nick in the car- And Nick was waving so happily at me that it simply cheered me up loads :D Bless that boy! It was quick- I met Mohd, Nigel's mum's driver, who was a jolly, fun fellow. He'd actually asked Nigel whether we'd slept together that Friday afternoon. Ha. Ha. Ha. Said Nigel was a playboy, & I wondered whether he knew what playboy meant. My evening was... Bland. I had my doughnuts, went online to google Cheerleading stuff-, had a little of the wine chicken dish thingy mum cooked for dinner (alcoholic & delicious <3) & it was off to tuition! I love probability. It's like IQ riddles! :D Maybe I'm not that dumb after all. And oh. Cheerleading. Is. AWESOME. Of course, for my purposes I only want some mild cheerleading stuff to lead the girls with. Then again I'd forgotten that Yii Chyng, a classmate who is also in the Cheerleading Squad for 1M1S, goes for gymnastics, & can probably lead us with stretches & exercises. But the all-star cheerleading was SUPER <3 Mostly because of the flexibility required. I don't like basketball because it's too rough & involves a lot of exposure to sunlight, & other sports like badminton, ping pong, tennis... Requires a lot of strength, & you can lose weight with them, I guess... But cheerleading SCULPTURES your body. 10.49PM already!! Okay, missy. Time for bed :D But I'm not sleeping until I've stretched enough! Stretch, shower, then bed. A pretty awesome bedtime-routine :)) Signed, Carmelia Feeling, excited. Thinking, I hope I won't slack! I don't want to slack!

Saturday: Earth Hour; Boy's Last Night in KK

Tuition was about the only highlight for today. Earth Hour was a bland affair for me, despite my excitement about it. Ah, well. Woke up at around 6.30, to a heavy morning downpour. It was cold. Obviously, I went back to sleep- Or rather, to bed, because from then until I woke up fully at 7.20, I just enjoyed drifting in and out of consciousness <3 That was probably the most enjoyable time of today for me. Cold mornings. I wish I could share them with my boy, but hey, one day. Came home from tuition, & I'm not sure what I did. I ate a lot for lunch, since I hadn't had breakfast. Spent time on Tumblr making myself happy- I am trying not to be so hard on myself, because recently I know I'm on the verge of cracking again. Maybe my approach last time wasn't suitable for me. Maybe if I relaxed, I'd be able to get more done without hurting myself. Had a nap- & woke up to mum knocking on the door. I kept asking her, with a raised voice, what's up? She didn't answer. I don't like it when they don't answer when I talk to them through the door. It makes me raise my voice, which THEY don't like, & they think I'm being rude. So I went over, opened the door, oh, mum's downstairs already. Apparently I really DID have to go church for music practice. Berto wasn't around, which meant no drums, which... Was good because I could actually hear what I'm playing, but bad because this way I have to provide the beat & maintain the rhythm. Rain. Afternoon. We started late, waiting for Ruslina to pick her songs, & got home late, having to fetch Jerry from Suria, send Chester back home near school, not to mention the jam in town. So I ended up not being able to see Nigel. Conflicts emerge, concerning my having to go behind my parents, to spend time with my boy. I don't like sneaking out behind them. I don't like having to lie. I am extremely frightened of being found out, because if I am found out, I know that chances of us being able to go out properly would diminish even further. But I am extremely unhappy at not being able to spend time with my boyfriend. I miss him. The aching comes only occasionally, and that's why I cry. Most times, I just think about him & remember him a lot, without the longing. I guess it's because I keep myself busy. My opinion is that, I am controlling myself very well. I am actually pushing myself to be stronger, & even though I could have done better by not hurting myself, at least I'm not breaking down & being totally dysfunctional. He's loving enough to keep me strong. My situation is not the harshest tragedy in the world, but relative to my capacity, it's harsh enough to stretch the limits. I don't know a lot about friendships. My social relationships have never been very tight- it's not natural for me to put so much & think so much about friendships. So now, with him in my life, I'm learning a lot of things at once- Trusting, being trustworthy, keeping promises, being happy for the other's sake, being supportive, being unselfish, being concerned, putting myself in the other's shoes, how to control my emotions, etc. All to be learnt with him across the sea. & it's barely a year since we'd met. Sometimes I feel as though I go behind my parents' backs, so that my boy would be happy. But I think about it and, no. I only feel that way because I feel relieved when I don't have to risk getting caught. The relief that comes outweighs the disappointment of not being able to see my boy, at the time. Which is so, so sad. I'm actually that pressured, that scared. It is not okay, because that relief comes from the absence of a fear that isn't even supposed to be there. Why am I made to be afraid? Why can't they just let me go out with Nigel? & when the relief is over, I'm left with the constant resentment & frustration, not to mention the ache. All the things I'd tell my parents when I'm older. When I'm getting married. When I'm already married. How much they hurt me. How hard they make life for me. How pressured I am, because I am stubborn to stay with my first real boyfriend. How I hate the suggestion of us breaking up so that I can concentrate on my stupid studies, when the only reason I concentrate happily is because of him. How I don't want to sound like a silly teenager spouting out all the above & making it sound like lovestruck gibberish & not being able to prove anything to them, except by holding on, so I don't tell them what I feel now. I wonder if they'd try to justify themselves. I wonder if they'd laugh it off. Or would they still be against us? Especially mum. She has more reasons than pa to be unhappy about me being with Nigel. My actions can be justified. Or they can not be. It depends on who the audience is. For me, my actions are, because I treasure this relationship very much, whereas for the adults, obedience to them is key. I justify what I do, the few times I do it, by reasoning that, it's just unfair. It hurts me, I don't want to be unhappy, & I don't want Nigel to be unhappy. I don't want to be scared into numbing my ache & letting things be, because I know, it's not a possibility, it's not a probability, it's a FACT that if this doesn't work out, I am going to spend the rest of my life regretting & hurting. I know girls who are, because of what they'd lost. Wow, what a rant. I kept having second thoughts about letting all that out, or at least, most of it, but recording things this confusing is always good. Maybe I'd be able to see Nigel later. Maybe tomorrow morning. Maybe I'll be able to send him off tomorrow, though I doubt it, because I have a meeting to attend in church. Thinking about how I'm not going to be able to hug him for the next eight weeks is already painful. It matters, whatever is happening, whatever I'm feeling, whatever he is feeling, whatever is going to happen. But it isn't as important as the fact that, I love this boy. I don't want to be talking like what we have won't last, & I shouldn't be, but hypothetically, even if we don't last, I'd still love him- not just as a friend, it's impossible; & the next guy would have to be prepared to acknowledge that there's just that place he can't take. Yes, I'll blow my own trumpet: I'm a dead loyal lover. Because I am. Signed, Carmelia. Feeling, stubborn. Thinking, it's 11.17pm.

Friday: Couch Date

Woke up, got to school eagerly only to be disappointed by the absence of doughnuts. Seriously, do the canteen operators at Canteen C expect people to buy their overpriced cupcakes? I want doughnuts!

But ended up buying some other stuff & finishing them in one go. That is still acceptable, since I only had a bite of some peanut butter and jelly sandwich at home.

I enjoyed General Studies today. We started on a new chapter: Dasar Dalam Negara. Which including all those RMK-*insert number* and Dasar Ekonomi (Economic Policies). Maybe I enjoy GS because I'm relatively good at it, thanks to it being more language-based & memory-based.

Which is probably why while others slave away over Mathematics during our free time in class, I tend to be reading Biology. At least I'm doing something productive. If I had my way, I'd make myself work more on Math, instead of on reading subjects like GS and Biology that I already enjoy. But since I'm not yet getting solid As for GS and Biology, I guess spending time on them instead of Chemistry and Math is justifiable.

Mum was stressed out during MUET today. I think. I don't blame her... I wouldn't like it if my students don't pay that much attention to the subject I teach. Especially when it shows in the examination results. I didn't do well for my Question 1 for Writing; wrote a little too much. I wouldn't have had if I'd paid attention & known that there was actually a WORD limit. Oops. But it was alright, I still did pretty good for the factual essay.

We learnt Curves for Math S. It wasn't difficult at all- But of course, we're only at the tip of the iceberg. It's the same for almost every chapter, except Matrices- Easy at first, & we relax, & then we get headshot by the application problems & all the little little laws & rules & equations.

I'd left my wallet at home today, so I couldn't borrow any books from the library, which demotivated me from going to the library, so I ended up having rice & vegetables. Tasty. But I STILL wanted doughnuts. :(

We did the Chromatography experiment for Biology today, after recess. They were fascinated with the mortar and pestle, which they used to- what's the word... Smash up some bayam leaves, to get a red liquid, and some other kind of leafy vegetables that produced greenish liquid. Which stained my hand a little and... Oh, it's gone now. No surprises; I have had three showers today.

After school was horrible.

I HATE how my parents won't let me be alone with Nigel. Which makes our Sunday outing a very BIG deal because we were actually left by ourselves. You can imagine my joy concerning THAT. But today? We weren't even going to go out. I knew they wouldn't let, I'd talked to pa about it, & we'd sort of agreed that I'm allowed to have Nigel over at our place, so that my mum, or sister, or whoever at home, can keep an eye on us or whatever rubbish it is they want to do (but end up not doing anyway).

Sort of agreed only, because my parents don't like talking about anything to do with my relationship with Nigel, namely dates.

I'd rather they be frank about it. Give and take. Accept that I have a boyfriend, and that I love him to bits. Bring him out, talk with him, be serious about it.

And not stay quiet about it, being such cowards, and suddenly making a big deal out of things when I want to spend time with him.

I cried a lot in the car, while waiting for mum to finish some tasks in the school office. I was only really, really frustrated at first, and the tears that trickled down were born of anger. But while talking to mei on the phone to find out what time she's going to come home, so that I'll know what time Nigel will be able to come over (since mum doesn't want to be the only one at home with us, for some inexplicable reason), the fact that everything is so fucked up & unfair hurt me so much, I sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed some more when mei suggested, irritatedly, that I don't spend time with Nigel today.

Mei probably relented, & told pa how I cried, because after five minutes, pa called, sounding unhappy. Asking me to fetch mei & go home. I asked him what happens after that. He sounded really annoyed. "After that? After that just- Haihz, he can come over lah- haihz. You ah, Thung, I- I really don't know lah."

What the hell did I do? I thought we'd already AGREED it's okay for him to come over. Is it my fault that mum suddenly becomes moody & doesn't want to be the only one at home with her daughter and her boyfriend?

It all turned out well, though. I'm thankful, so thankful. Nigel had to wait quite a long while, because mum had to go fetch mei, and it was jamming at Damai, and we had to sent mei's friend to Foh Sang.

But I got a few hours with my boy, and I am so, so glad about it. He had the fried mee hoon I'd ordered from the school canteen, thinking we were going to go home without fetching mei at Lintas (otherwise I'd have gotten something better from Lintas). I had the pan mien mum ordered- half of it (the other half I had around six for an early dinner- cold, because I was hungry & we had to rush to youth)

I really enjoyed this afternoon. I don' t know how to ever explain this to my parents, or anyone else: Being physically close to him heals something. It sounds weird, even to me. And maybe it sounds... Wrong. And it makes me sound very needy, I guess.

But to be able to lean in & kiss him whenever I want, & hug him, & hold onto his arms, his hands; to have him right in front of me when I talk to him; to be able to run my fingers through his hair, make him smile, make him wince- and see it right there, & have the urge to do something about it, & being able to, because he's there. It's wonderful.

Mei shut herself in her room, & mum went upstairs. In the end, our supposed chaperones left us alone. Again, I'm not complaining.

I'd feel guilty about what we do-

But then I'd went through weeks of long days & lonely nights, just to have him back for a week & getting to see him only thrice, after severe emotional distress. He's leaving on Sunday, & it'll be two months before I get to see him again, that after the mid-year examinations, which is potentially deadly to me now. I cannot imagine the emotional burdens I'm about to give piggyback-rides to.

So no. I probably should feel guilty (God knows), but I simply don't.

If my parents accepts this, & integrates Nigel into our lives; talk about our relationship with me,ask about Nigel, joke, laugh, be happy about it... I can't guarantee anything, of course. But my theory is that, they'd probably find me more willing to cooperate & be obedient concerning the things we do when we're alone.

But ah. Let bygones be bygones. I don't regret anything.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, sleepy!
Thinking, I have got to reach my target weight. So 54 kilograms it is, by April!