Saturday: Earth Hour; Boy's Last Night in KK

Tuition was about the only highlight for today. Earth Hour was a bland affair for me, despite my excitement about it. Ah, well. Woke up at around 6.30, to a heavy morning downpour. It was cold. Obviously, I went back to sleep- Or rather, to bed, because from then until I woke up fully at 7.20, I just enjoyed drifting in and out of consciousness <3 That was probably the most enjoyable time of today for me. Cold mornings. I wish I could share them with my boy, but hey, one day. Came home from tuition, & I'm not sure what I did. I ate a lot for lunch, since I hadn't had breakfast. Spent time on Tumblr making myself happy- I am trying not to be so hard on myself, because recently I know I'm on the verge of cracking again. Maybe my approach last time wasn't suitable for me. Maybe if I relaxed, I'd be able to get more done without hurting myself. Had a nap- & woke up to mum knocking on the door. I kept asking her, with a raised voice, what's up? She didn't answer. I don't like it when they don't answer when I talk to them through the door. It makes me raise my voice, which THEY don't like, & they think I'm being rude. So I went over, opened the door, oh, mum's downstairs already. Apparently I really DID have to go church for music practice. Berto wasn't around, which meant no drums, which... Was good because I could actually hear what I'm playing, but bad because this way I have to provide the beat & maintain the rhythm. Rain. Afternoon. We started late, waiting for Ruslina to pick her songs, & got home late, having to fetch Jerry from Suria, send Chester back home near school, not to mention the jam in town. So I ended up not being able to see Nigel. Conflicts emerge, concerning my having to go behind my parents, to spend time with my boy. I don't like sneaking out behind them. I don't like having to lie. I am extremely frightened of being found out, because if I am found out, I know that chances of us being able to go out properly would diminish even further. But I am extremely unhappy at not being able to spend time with my boyfriend. I miss him. The aching comes only occasionally, and that's why I cry. Most times, I just think about him & remember him a lot, without the longing. I guess it's because I keep myself busy. My opinion is that, I am controlling myself very well. I am actually pushing myself to be stronger, & even though I could have done better by not hurting myself, at least I'm not breaking down & being totally dysfunctional. He's loving enough to keep me strong. My situation is not the harshest tragedy in the world, but relative to my capacity, it's harsh enough to stretch the limits. I don't know a lot about friendships. My social relationships have never been very tight- it's not natural for me to put so much & think so much about friendships. So now, with him in my life, I'm learning a lot of things at once- Trusting, being trustworthy, keeping promises, being happy for the other's sake, being supportive, being unselfish, being concerned, putting myself in the other's shoes, how to control my emotions, etc. All to be learnt with him across the sea. & it's barely a year since we'd met. Sometimes I feel as though I go behind my parents' backs, so that my boy would be happy. But I think about it and, no. I only feel that way because I feel relieved when I don't have to risk getting caught. The relief that comes outweighs the disappointment of not being able to see my boy, at the time. Which is so, so sad. I'm actually that pressured, that scared. It is not okay, because that relief comes from the absence of a fear that isn't even supposed to be there. Why am I made to be afraid? Why can't they just let me go out with Nigel? & when the relief is over, I'm left with the constant resentment & frustration, not to mention the ache. All the things I'd tell my parents when I'm older. When I'm getting married. When I'm already married. How much they hurt me. How hard they make life for me. How pressured I am, because I am stubborn to stay with my first real boyfriend. How I hate the suggestion of us breaking up so that I can concentrate on my stupid studies, when the only reason I concentrate happily is because of him. How I don't want to sound like a silly teenager spouting out all the above & making it sound like lovestruck gibberish & not being able to prove anything to them, except by holding on, so I don't tell them what I feel now. I wonder if they'd try to justify themselves. I wonder if they'd laugh it off. Or would they still be against us? Especially mum. She has more reasons than pa to be unhappy about me being with Nigel. My actions can be justified. Or they can not be. It depends on who the audience is. For me, my actions are, because I treasure this relationship very much, whereas for the adults, obedience to them is key. I justify what I do, the few times I do it, by reasoning that, it's just unfair. It hurts me, I don't want to be unhappy, & I don't want Nigel to be unhappy. I don't want to be scared into numbing my ache & letting things be, because I know, it's not a possibility, it's not a probability, it's a FACT that if this doesn't work out, I am going to spend the rest of my life regretting & hurting. I know girls who are, because of what they'd lost. Wow, what a rant. I kept having second thoughts about letting all that out, or at least, most of it, but recording things this confusing is always good. Maybe I'd be able to see Nigel later. Maybe tomorrow morning. Maybe I'll be able to send him off tomorrow, though I doubt it, because I have a meeting to attend in church. Thinking about how I'm not going to be able to hug him for the next eight weeks is already painful. It matters, whatever is happening, whatever I'm feeling, whatever he is feeling, whatever is going to happen. But it isn't as important as the fact that, I love this boy. I don't want to be talking like what we have won't last, & I shouldn't be, but hypothetically, even if we don't last, I'd still love him- not just as a friend, it's impossible; & the next guy would have to be prepared to acknowledge that there's just that place he can't take. Yes, I'll blow my own trumpet: I'm a dead loyal lover. Because I am. Signed, Carmelia. Feeling, stubborn. Thinking, it's 11.17pm.