Friday: Couch Date

Woke up, got to school eagerly only to be disappointed by the absence of doughnuts. Seriously, do the canteen operators at Canteen C expect people to buy their overpriced cupcakes? I want doughnuts!

But ended up buying some other stuff & finishing them in one go. That is still acceptable, since I only had a bite of some peanut butter and jelly sandwich at home.

I enjoyed General Studies today. We started on a new chapter: Dasar Dalam Negara. Which including all those RMK-*insert number* and Dasar Ekonomi (Economic Policies). Maybe I enjoy GS because I'm relatively good at it, thanks to it being more language-based & memory-based.

Which is probably why while others slave away over Mathematics during our free time in class, I tend to be reading Biology. At least I'm doing something productive. If I had my way, I'd make myself work more on Math, instead of on reading subjects like GS and Biology that I already enjoy. But since I'm not yet getting solid As for GS and Biology, I guess spending time on them instead of Chemistry and Math is justifiable.

Mum was stressed out during MUET today. I think. I don't blame her... I wouldn't like it if my students don't pay that much attention to the subject I teach. Especially when it shows in the examination results. I didn't do well for my Question 1 for Writing; wrote a little too much. I wouldn't have had if I'd paid attention & known that there was actually a WORD limit. Oops. But it was alright, I still did pretty good for the factual essay.

We learnt Curves for Math S. It wasn't difficult at all- But of course, we're only at the tip of the iceberg. It's the same for almost every chapter, except Matrices- Easy at first, & we relax, & then we get headshot by the application problems & all the little little laws & rules & equations.

I'd left my wallet at home today, so I couldn't borrow any books from the library, which demotivated me from going to the library, so I ended up having rice & vegetables. Tasty. But I STILL wanted doughnuts. :(

We did the Chromatography experiment for Biology today, after recess. They were fascinated with the mortar and pestle, which they used to- what's the word... Smash up some bayam leaves, to get a red liquid, and some other kind of leafy vegetables that produced greenish liquid. Which stained my hand a little and... Oh, it's gone now. No surprises; I have had three showers today.

After school was horrible.

I HATE how my parents won't let me be alone with Nigel. Which makes our Sunday outing a very BIG deal because we were actually left by ourselves. You can imagine my joy concerning THAT. But today? We weren't even going to go out. I knew they wouldn't let, I'd talked to pa about it, & we'd sort of agreed that I'm allowed to have Nigel over at our place, so that my mum, or sister, or whoever at home, can keep an eye on us or whatever rubbish it is they want to do (but end up not doing anyway).

Sort of agreed only, because my parents don't like talking about anything to do with my relationship with Nigel, namely dates.

I'd rather they be frank about it. Give and take. Accept that I have a boyfriend, and that I love him to bits. Bring him out, talk with him, be serious about it.

And not stay quiet about it, being such cowards, and suddenly making a big deal out of things when I want to spend time with him.

I cried a lot in the car, while waiting for mum to finish some tasks in the school office. I was only really, really frustrated at first, and the tears that trickled down were born of anger. But while talking to mei on the phone to find out what time she's going to come home, so that I'll know what time Nigel will be able to come over (since mum doesn't want to be the only one at home with us, for some inexplicable reason), the fact that everything is so fucked up & unfair hurt me so much, I sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed some more when mei suggested, irritatedly, that I don't spend time with Nigel today.

Mei probably relented, & told pa how I cried, because after five minutes, pa called, sounding unhappy. Asking me to fetch mei & go home. I asked him what happens after that. He sounded really annoyed. "After that? After that just- Haihz, he can come over lah- haihz. You ah, Thung, I- I really don't know lah."

What the hell did I do? I thought we'd already AGREED it's okay for him to come over. Is it my fault that mum suddenly becomes moody & doesn't want to be the only one at home with her daughter and her boyfriend?

It all turned out well, though. I'm thankful, so thankful. Nigel had to wait quite a long while, because mum had to go fetch mei, and it was jamming at Damai, and we had to sent mei's friend to Foh Sang.

But I got a few hours with my boy, and I am so, so glad about it. He had the fried mee hoon I'd ordered from the school canteen, thinking we were going to go home without fetching mei at Lintas (otherwise I'd have gotten something better from Lintas). I had the pan mien mum ordered- half of it (the other half I had around six for an early dinner- cold, because I was hungry & we had to rush to youth)

I really enjoyed this afternoon. I don' t know how to ever explain this to my parents, or anyone else: Being physically close to him heals something. It sounds weird, even to me. And maybe it sounds... Wrong. And it makes me sound very needy, I guess.

But to be able to lean in & kiss him whenever I want, & hug him, & hold onto his arms, his hands; to have him right in front of me when I talk to him; to be able to run my fingers through his hair, make him smile, make him wince- and see it right there, & have the urge to do something about it, & being able to, because he's there. It's wonderful.

Mei shut herself in her room, & mum went upstairs. In the end, our supposed chaperones left us alone. Again, I'm not complaining.

I'd feel guilty about what we do-

But then I'd went through weeks of long days & lonely nights, just to have him back for a week & getting to see him only thrice, after severe emotional distress. He's leaving on Sunday, & it'll be two months before I get to see him again, that after the mid-year examinations, which is potentially deadly to me now. I cannot imagine the emotional burdens I'm about to give piggyback-rides to.

So no. I probably should feel guilty (God knows), but I simply don't.

If my parents accepts this, & integrates Nigel into our lives; talk about our relationship with me,ask about Nigel, joke, laugh, be happy about it... I can't guarantee anything, of course. But my theory is that, they'd probably find me more willing to cooperate & be obedient concerning the things we do when we're alone.

But ah. Let bygones be bygones. I don't regret anything.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, sleepy!
Thinking, I have got to reach my target weight. So 54 kilograms it is, by April!