It should be a tie between (I don't know blank.) and (I suppose.)
Probably (Probably.). or maybe (Maybe.)
I digress.
I don't know why, but whenever I hug Nigel nowadays, something just doesn't feel right. I just don't want to let go. & knowing that I have to, one moment or another, nags at me so.
Mum let us out Sunday afternoon. Thank God. Although I honestly don't know whether God's hand was in things, or mum just didn't want to fight anymore. Good. Because I don't want to fight too. I hate fighting, especially with people who are closest to me. Who wouldn't hate that? I'm scared of it too. It drains. So I don't. But by not fighting with mum, I don't get my way. Which means I don't get to spend time with my boy. Which drains me too.
I didn't know that, until recently. I'm not sure, but I guess the tearing down of my usual happy self was so gradual, I didn't even know.
I can't really say we had fun, Sunday afternoon. It was more, we enjoyed ourselves. We watched Rango, he got me a new blouse with multi-color ribbons on it <3 & we went Starbucks where he chatted with his bestfriend a while, waiting for my dad to fetch us.
A proper date. A date that I don't have to lie about to my parents.
It's not his fault. It's no one's, I suppose. More important, it's not our fault, that we get so little time to spend together with. I resent it. But the resentment is... Honestly, & obviously, not much, compared to the bewildering realization that-
Starting to sound a little dramatic there.
I've been coming across articles, both on Tumblr & Facebook, on how precious hand-holding is. More precious than kissing, sex, this & that stuff that couples do together. A lot of sweet reasoning that I don't really remember now because firstly, I couldn't seem to relate to it, & secondly, they were probably reasons that, with minor tweaks, I can use on any other couple-activities.
Hugs, on the other hand... Maybe for me, getting to hold only his hand, just isn't enough now. Not when I don't get to see him weeks in a row. I don't know whether it's enough. Maybe it is. But I don't feel like it is. Doesn't mean I don't need it, though. I'd have reached out for his hand loads of times, if he wasn't already reaching out for mine.
It's time for bed now, whether I want to leave my thoughts alone or not.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, thirsty.
Thinking, I think happy thoughts!
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