Thursday: No Doughnuts.

Or rather, there were. A lot, actually. I think the canteen operators realized that their doughnuts were sellling like hot cakes faster than the small cakes they decorate so prettily but overprice.

Too bad, too bad. I couldn't let myself touch another one of those things today, after the eight I had yesterday. It was addiction, literally. My classmates found it a bit amusing, I suppose... Nevertheless, I know that they are concerned. Otherwise I wouldn't have posted the 'If anyone catches me having one doughnut, you can claim RM1 per doughnut from me.' status on Facecake.

CSF even went online & helped me check out my basal metabolism (estimated only, of course).

Now, quite some people give me advice on how to lose weight, including Jeffrey, mum, church friends, classmates, pa... & honestly, some of them irritate me a little. I love them to bits, I really do. The fact that they care enough to support me is awesome.

However, I've been getting too many different types of advices. Over the years, not just recently. I've tried some & failed, some I simply don't believe in, & some that isn't practical for me.

Bottom line now is: Unless you're someone who is also trying to lose weight, or someone who has struggled with it before, chances are, I won't really take your advices too seriously. Unless I think it makes sense, or unless you're Nigel.

Sometimes I absolutely love exercise. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I can go days without any proper meals at all & feel perfectly fine. Sometimes I go four hours without carbohydrates & end up feeling like I'd lock lips with a dementor. Sometimes I'm disciplined enough to eat healthy and in controlled portions. Sometimes I pig out. Sometimes I don't care about how much I weigh. Most times, I do.

I don't know why, but recently, whenever someone disses me or is mean to me, I feel a terrible, sharp... Anger. I know it's natural to feel irritated when people, you know, irritate you. But these times were oddly... I felt oddly destructive. They pass. I force myself to shaddap and forget them, because I know I'd end up binging & purging & crying again.

Just called boy minutes ago. He was tired, both last night & this evening, so he ended up sleeping early, before waking up around the time I go to bed. I think. Things like him being tired, him being sleepy, completing presentations, going this place that place-

Catch myself. I think I'll end up listing down practically everything he does. Maybe what I'm trying to say is that, anything going on in his life simply reminds me again that I'm in love with a... A living, breathing, human being. I know I'm stating the painfully obvious obvious, but perhaps, when you don't get to see the person you fight your own stupid self for, & you don't know how they are, & what they're doing, you tend to dissociate him from reality. So to know that he's taking a shower, or having dinner with his dad, it...

I don't know what it does. I know that, when he tells me what he does over the phone, I tend to want to say things like 'Poor thing' & 'I love you' & 'I miss you so much'. Most of all, I just want to smile & laugh, even though nothing's hilarious, & hug him.

It's almost eleven. I MUST go to bed now.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, inhibited.
Thinking, ...I should go to bed.