Question

What on earth am I still doing at the computer?

Just came downstairs to pack up my water bottle & charge Nigel's iPod. The next thing I knew-

Makes me wish I live in a school dormitory sometimes. I work harder knowing there are people watching me. Yes, I kia-su.

Exam in three more days and I am not 20% as prepared as I want to be.

Recently found out a little bit more about Jona. He's... Not to say interesting, but there's something deeper to him than meets the eye. How deep, I don't know. When I found out about what he does to himself, I was concerned, of course- But I didn't tell him to stop it or not to be stupid or anything sensible-sounding.

If it's attention he wants, that I'll give. But that's not what he wants. Which makes him unusual. In such a familiar way.

Of course, my instincts can always be wrong.

It's a roller-coaster ride. Right now, more than learning about phosphorylations or enthalpies of formation & hydration or differentiation of ln x, I'm learning to discipline myself without anyone behind me.

I'm not alone, I know. I have support & encouragement. But these are distant, non-direct supplements. More than ever I'm actually pushing myself to stay focused.

Roller-coaster ride, because sometimes I turn into this perfectionist, high-achieving girl who can work for hours straight, not eat, leave everyone else to study solo-

-& the next moment, I become distracted, wanting to do everything but hit the books. I slack, give myself allowances, tell myself that it's alright, I'm smart enough.

So when I revert back to Miss Get-Going, the guilt- simply put- kills.

Like right now.

I've always been fine with Time moving as it is. I don't complain much about how slow time crawls or how fast time flies. But nowadays, I find myself wishing that everything would just stop, so I could work on one goal before I have to move on to the next day.

The things I say that I don't even know I don't mean.
The things I don't say that I know I mean so much.
The things I feel like doing but end up not doing.
The things I don't want to do- but somehow do anyway.

I am such a mess. I can't possibly be the only person in the world like this. I'm not that unique. The thing is whether I'd ever meet & befriend someone who contradict themselves as much as I do.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, guilty.
Thinking, out of all, I like the girl I am when I'm with you most.