So What.

One of the most horrible holidays I've ever had, so far.

Thank God. Because I've grown more during these past four days than I have during any other stretch of holidays. Probably.

God's around, I know. & He loves me, & He cares. But. I don't know how to put this, but I can't give back to God. Maybe it's because I don't want to, or maybe I really just can't. I don't want to reject His love & His help, & I hope I am not doing just that. But I don't really worship him or pray or thank Him or ask for help. I do, but not really.

I don't know whether Tumblr's helping me, or helping to destroy me. Or maybe one brings out the other. The things I see through Tumblr remind me again & again how beautiful life can be. It sounds cliche. It is true. The arts, witty quotes, pictures of the extraordinary, beautiful things, just an ordinary candid snapshot, stories.

It makes it hard for me to sit & study.

Round and round my thoughts go. I haven't been exactly kind to myself lately, & the sudden bursts of generosity I show myself are too sudden & impractical to do anything but drag me further down. I let this & that pass, but feel painfully guilty afterward.

After the entire fiasco at home that almost made me run away to a nearby cafe for respite, we sat in the living room, just talking. I was trying not to hurt Jerry, who was being arrogant & rude. But Sophia's non-chalant yet mildly interested attitude was somewhat calming, & there were things she said that amused me.

She almost got me talking.

I let out my feelings a lot. I think I have this subconscious mentality where, if something isn't expressed, then it doesn't exist. If I'm happy, people must know. If I'm slaving away at my homework, people must know. If I'm sad, people must know- through some subtle way that doesn't show I want them to know but they'll still find out anyway.

But recently... I just don't want people to know. In a sadistic way that makes me almost... Proud of myself. Not wanting people to know means, maybe, that what I'm going through is not made-up. It's real.

...but since I'm blogging about it now...

Oh whatever.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, wistful.
Thinking, I want to be as strong & calm as he is.