Thursday: No Doughnuts.

Or rather, there were. A lot, actually. I think the canteen operators realized that their doughnuts were sellling like hot cakes faster than the small cakes they decorate so prettily but overprice.

Too bad, too bad. I couldn't let myself touch another one of those things today, after the eight I had yesterday. It was addiction, literally. My classmates found it a bit amusing, I suppose... Nevertheless, I know that they are concerned. Otherwise I wouldn't have posted the 'If anyone catches me having one doughnut, you can claim RM1 per doughnut from me.' status on Facecake.

CSF even went online & helped me check out my basal metabolism (estimated only, of course).

Now, quite some people give me advice on how to lose weight, including Jeffrey, mum, church friends, classmates, pa... & honestly, some of them irritate me a little. I love them to bits, I really do. The fact that they care enough to support me is awesome.

However, I've been getting too many different types of advices. Over the years, not just recently. I've tried some & failed, some I simply don't believe in, & some that isn't practical for me.

Bottom line now is: Unless you're someone who is also trying to lose weight, or someone who has struggled with it before, chances are, I won't really take your advices too seriously. Unless I think it makes sense, or unless you're Nigel.

Sometimes I absolutely love exercise. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I can go days without any proper meals at all & feel perfectly fine. Sometimes I go four hours without carbohydrates & end up feeling like I'd lock lips with a dementor. Sometimes I'm disciplined enough to eat healthy and in controlled portions. Sometimes I pig out. Sometimes I don't care about how much I weigh. Most times, I do.

I don't know why, but recently, whenever someone disses me or is mean to me, I feel a terrible, sharp... Anger. I know it's natural to feel irritated when people, you know, irritate you. But these times were oddly... I felt oddly destructive. They pass. I force myself to shaddap and forget them, because I know I'd end up binging & purging & crying again.

Just called boy minutes ago. He was tired, both last night & this evening, so he ended up sleeping early, before waking up around the time I go to bed. I think. Things like him being tired, him being sleepy, completing presentations, going this place that place-

Catch myself. I think I'll end up listing down practically everything he does. Maybe what I'm trying to say is that, anything going on in his life simply reminds me again that I'm in love with a... A living, breathing, human being. I know I'm stating the painfully obvious obvious, but perhaps, when you don't get to see the person you fight your own stupid self for, & you don't know how they are, & what they're doing, you tend to dissociate him from reality. So to know that he's taking a shower, or having dinner with his dad, it...

I don't know what it does. I know that, when he tells me what he does over the phone, I tend to want to say things like 'Poor thing' & 'I love you' & 'I miss you so much'. Most of all, I just want to smile & laugh, even though nothing's hilarious, & hug him.

It's almost eleven. I MUST go to bed now.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, inhibited.
Thinking, ...I should go to bed.

Wednesday: Debate

Nothing of the highlight sort happened today. Except that I had eight doughnuts. I'd posted on Facebook that anyone catching me eating a doughnut tomorrow will be able to claim RM1 from me.

Went for debate instead of PBSM & Badminton Club meeting. They seemed quite... Glad that I'm around to help, I suppose. I don't know. When I asked whether I'm helping, they said yes, & didn't seem to hesitate about it.

Haha, I know, I think too much. But I just want to be sure that I'm not forcing myself on them. I don't like that.

I noticed them glancing at my left arm & nudging each other. I consciously hid the scars from view after that. I don't mind, really, people seeing. But of course, I'd hide them whenever I can.

Oh. And I really hate it when mum says mean things. About us, about other people- She's actually a very self-sacrificing person. I have come to realize that. But the way she defends herself or tries to lighten her own burdens is... Not the most advantageous way. I'm trying my best not to be influenced by her negativity.

When I'm a mother, I must keep in mind to be cheerful, & always nice to other people. I know that things happen, but still, I must try. I'm only going to be a mother to kids for a few years, I should make the best of it.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, tired.
Thinking, if time would stop, I think I'd pack my bags, walk & learn to operate a boat, just to get to where you are now.

Tuesday; Pig-Out!

Okay, so I have no idea what today's highlight is. Staying back for MUET speaking practice? Getting to know how we did for Speaking yesterday? Chemistry lesson?

For me, what totally made up my mood was how much I ate.

Morning!

; Warm green tea- perfectly fine.

; Oat- Not that fine, but still, healthy.

; Wholemeal bread sandwiching Hoko spread & Peanut Butter & Jam- I tried to resist, but couldn't. So I made a few, cutting everything into small, cute little pieces, so that I can bring some to school, & also for mei to eat in the car.

Recess!

; Sandwich- From my tapau. I didn't finish everything though, I'd given most of them to my friends.

; Porridge!- Don't ask why I had it. I don't know, maybe I was hungry, maybe I felt jealous that other people could eat & I couldn't shouldn't.

; Kuih- The green, pancake thing, rolled up with coconut thingy inside.

; Little cake- Steamed, with some chocolate thingy inside. Quite small... But it was condensed XS

After School!

; Doughnuts times 2- Okay, honestly I don't remember having this. I am really not sure. Maybe it's because I'd stood there for quite some time, wondering whether to buy them or not. Hm. I think I didn't have these. Not sure. What the heck, just put them in.

; Fried Mee Hoon- THIS IS THE STUPID !#%^&**&% I shoudn't have had. I'm sure I wasn't feeling HUNGRY at the time.

Well, frankly speaking, I don't know what hungry feels like now. Whether it's hunger, or just cravings.

At any rate, it tasted so good T___T I think what made me buy it (the last serving of mee hoon, can you believe my luck? Bad or good, it's still up for debate, though) was remembering that it was Nigel's lunch last Friday. It looked good, it smelt good, & Nigel had it. Clincher much! Okay, pathetic, but it really looked good that Friday afternoon.

; Doughnuts times three- These I DEFINITELY had. Because after these, I felt so bad & angry at myself- it dragged on until around... six, seven?

But I love doughnuts so much T___T BUT I'M ON A FRIGGIN DIET, CARMELIA. But but you need to eat- BUT NOT DOUGHNUTS!

How about: I can have doughnuts whenevr I finish a section of Math? :D Okay, forget it. Just typing it out makes me feel all blahhh.

After that, I didn't have anything. It helped to be on Tumblr! I wanted to go jogging, but it stated raining D: So it was Tumblr, Tumblr, Tumblr- Not sitting on a chair, just kinda crouching, telling myself, in a minute I'll go DDR, in a minute, in thirty seconds- Obviously, two hours passed like that before I actually got down to DDR. Like, pshawww, duh.

Tumblr makes me want to lose weight, so I don't consider it a waste of time. All those pretty, beautiful, slim, pettie, tiny, delicate girls... heart! Also, it makes me happy & inspired- to write, to draw, to colour, to be nice, to be strong, to live, to seize the day! I might straightaway rush out to start doing a hundred jumping jacks or paint my shoes or whatever, but at least the inspiration grows inside me :D

I tried to C-Walk a little. The basic V is pretty simple- I practiced a little to Justin Ellis' Drumma Boy (Hooked on this song recently, but it's wearing off) & now a small part of the sole of my left foot is a little raw from the chaffing, even though I wore socks.

Raw. Reminds me of Saturday night.

Anyhow, Tumblr-ed somemore & got addicted reblogging posts from this Phillipine girl's Tumblr profile. MAN I LOVE TUMBLR. Fun fact: Tumblr's creator is a cute guy. Emphasis on cute! :D It's interesting because because, uhm, people who create stuff like Facebook, Myspace, Google, Yahoo- Not really cute, teenager guy types. But Tumblr? :D Goes to show how Tumblr owns, dude B) Yes, I'm a convert. Tumblr! *waves flag*

Wow. I was tired before I started this post. I only began typing because I wanna be commited to this blogiary thingy, for Nigel, in case he wants to know how my day went.

& I benefit too! I get to look back on everything that has happened. I need to learn to be more consistent with my views, thoughts, feelings...

I'd like to talk some more about how my mum's mood affects me, how much I'm into Organic Chemistry now, how well Cikgu Goh teaches God's style of teaching suits me, how pa's in Sarawak for the election, how tomorrow's going to be another long day, how I wanna bake today- I might bake tomorrow morning, if I wake early enough! And I'd looked at the clock a few minutes ago. SHOCKER. It's already ten fifteen

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, worried.

Thinking, I hope Jona isn't offended by me. Maybe I should be a more proper girl- But that isn't me. EDIT: I'D TYPED SO MUCH MORE BUT IT'S ALL GONE NOW SOBS SOBS SOBS. Concerning Yii Chyng giving me stuff & Ashrul's trick on me that I fell for & the shriek I sounded that was totally humiliating.

Monday; MUET Speaking Trial; Cheerleading!

Our MUET trial was at 9am, so I had to leave Biology class (They were doing this 'experiment' which involved drawing sliced orchids- SLICED ORCHIDS!) to join Angus, Ashrul & CSF for our exam. We're the first group for every MUET speaking examination, so it's kind of a disadvantage. But at least we get it over with quickly! :D Teacher Victoria, who is our examiner, has told me before that my teammates kinda cause me to not get the higher marks that I am able to get. In a way, it's true, especially for Angus. He's a steady speaker, but a little slow, & I barely dare to interupt him or, as the teacher says, 'make the discussion not like a dead fish' because I'd seem to totally take over. Ashrul is always alright, though he is stubborn & always sticks to his stand. CSF gets way too nervous, so he stutters & doesn't say much sometimes. So... We'll be staying back tomorrow, Thursday AND Friday to practice speaking together. I don't mind, because it seems fun to be able to stay back with my friends & have lunch with them. Also, I might be able to get more work done in school, where there are people around me watching, instead of going home & utterly slack off into oblivion. Cheerleading was still quite a mess today, without Douglas (the only boy in our team) and Azera (one of the best dancers from the Cultural Dance Club). Yii Chyng & Ee Ee guided us through stretching exercises! After that Ee Ee & a few of her friends taught us some dance steps, which were not too difficult, not too easy. Even though there were way too many rests & stops as they discussed how to do this & that, still, at the end of the day, when I gathered them together for a short briefing (pep talk much) they all exclaimed that they had fun. Whether or not some of them were being sarcastic, I don't know- But it felt good :) It felt nice to be sort of leading a bunch of girls who clapped so loudly & cheered when they went out five by five to try out the dance steps in front of everyone else. Even though mistakes were made. Even though some of us were lousy. But they cheered! That's the spirit of being a cheerleader. I really hope we'd be able to get this up and going, & turn cheerleading into a unique discipline in school. Most important would be the cheerful, sporting attitude. It's important to instill that, so that when Sport's Day rolls around, they wouldn't just concentrate on the competition & looking good- they's actually CARE a lot about how their Houses are doing, & stand in the sun to cheer for those participating in the events. Not that I wanted to lead XS I'd joined cheerleading, expecting to learn a lot of things, & to be forced to exercise- cheerleading is a very demanding sport, physically, and I love how it tones the body but doesn't rough anything up, like basketball and badminton. Nevertheless, it's a mess. As the saying goes, if you want anything done right, do it yourself- or rather, in my case, if you want anything done YOUR way, do it yourself. I don't want this cheerleading thing to be a mediocre, just to pass time thing. I remember the days when my mum trained the Red House Cheerleading Squad for the annual cheerleading competition between houses in schools- The commitment, the discipline, the excitement <3 It's like being involved in perbarisan all over again, except this time, no suffering under the scorcing sun listening to speeches, prettier costumes, sheer workouts that gives you a hot body (IKR) & MUSIC! So much better, so why not? :D Okay, I don't know about the hot body. But it's a start. Change starts with you. I'm not much, I'm not that efficient, & I feel bossy & stupid trying to organize this, but it's a start. Who knows, yeah? Cheers for cheerleading! Signed, Carmelia. Feeling, happy. Thinking, I wanna do toe touches splits gherkins platform raises straddle raises yeah.

Sunday; Boy Leaves Again

Played the piano for church service this morning, with only Nicholas for guitar. It's difficult, because there's nothing to cover me up if I make mistakes- And since they transpose the keys, it's difficult NOT to make mistakes playing chords other than what my eyes see on the paper, especially since I'm to sing & worship along as well. But it's all good! Good training, that is :D Returned home after church service, with doughnuts in tow <3 Jerry was sick, so he didn't go for service. I relaxed, reading newspaper, had brunch, showered, Tumblred, watched television- before leaving for the church meeting. The BM service was still going on by the time I reached church, & they straightaway went on to the general meeting for the church congregation. It was interesting to see how the management actually worked behind the scenes- Who was in charge of what. Being in the English congregation, we don't get very involved in the management of the church. I was the only English congregation member there- Tasha, Collin & Faith went to Suria. We'd met when I got there, & they asked if I wanted to join, but it wouldn't be nice to ditch the meeting like that so I declined. Tasha felt a bit bad, leaving me like that. How nice of her :) I didn't mind, because I'd planned to go see Nigel after the meeting. And... I did :D Mum didn't call, not even once. I went to Pick & Pay to get some more doughnuts (I'm on a diet & I still... I'm nuts) & to kill time waiting for Nigel to return home. After getting what I wanted, I went over to his place to wait- Only to find his mum standing at the gate. Okay. I must admit, I was almost freaking out. But I didn't- There wasn't any reason for me to. I U-turned the Avanza, parked & waved. :D HI AUNTY! I don't know whether she saw me or not, but she didn't respond. It's awwight. :) Apparently Nigel had the house keys & Aunty Lai Har was unhappy about it. So I decided not to approach her until Nigel comes back. Raymond sent him, with Clem & Nick in the car- And Nick was waving so happily at me that it simply cheered me up loads :D Bless that boy! It was quick- I met Mohd, Nigel's mum's driver, who was a jolly, fun fellow. He'd actually asked Nigel whether we'd slept together that Friday afternoon. Ha. Ha. Ha. Said Nigel was a playboy, & I wondered whether he knew what playboy meant. My evening was... Bland. I had my doughnuts, went online to google Cheerleading stuff-, had a little of the wine chicken dish thingy mum cooked for dinner (alcoholic & delicious <3) & it was off to tuition! I love probability. It's like IQ riddles! :D Maybe I'm not that dumb after all. And oh. Cheerleading. Is. AWESOME. Of course, for my purposes I only want some mild cheerleading stuff to lead the girls with. Then again I'd forgotten that Yii Chyng, a classmate who is also in the Cheerleading Squad for 1M1S, goes for gymnastics, & can probably lead us with stretches & exercises. But the all-star cheerleading was SUPER <3 Mostly because of the flexibility required. I don't like basketball because it's too rough & involves a lot of exposure to sunlight, & other sports like badminton, ping pong, tennis... Requires a lot of strength, & you can lose weight with them, I guess... But cheerleading SCULPTURES your body. 10.49PM already!! Okay, missy. Time for bed :D But I'm not sleeping until I've stretched enough! Stretch, shower, then bed. A pretty awesome bedtime-routine :)) Signed, Carmelia Feeling, excited. Thinking, I hope I won't slack! I don't want to slack!

Saturday: Earth Hour; Boy's Last Night in KK

Tuition was about the only highlight for today. Earth Hour was a bland affair for me, despite my excitement about it. Ah, well. Woke up at around 6.30, to a heavy morning downpour. It was cold. Obviously, I went back to sleep- Or rather, to bed, because from then until I woke up fully at 7.20, I just enjoyed drifting in and out of consciousness <3 That was probably the most enjoyable time of today for me. Cold mornings. I wish I could share them with my boy, but hey, one day. Came home from tuition, & I'm not sure what I did. I ate a lot for lunch, since I hadn't had breakfast. Spent time on Tumblr making myself happy- I am trying not to be so hard on myself, because recently I know I'm on the verge of cracking again. Maybe my approach last time wasn't suitable for me. Maybe if I relaxed, I'd be able to get more done without hurting myself. Had a nap- & woke up to mum knocking on the door. I kept asking her, with a raised voice, what's up? She didn't answer. I don't like it when they don't answer when I talk to them through the door. It makes me raise my voice, which THEY don't like, & they think I'm being rude. So I went over, opened the door, oh, mum's downstairs already. Apparently I really DID have to go church for music practice. Berto wasn't around, which meant no drums, which... Was good because I could actually hear what I'm playing, but bad because this way I have to provide the beat & maintain the rhythm. Rain. Afternoon. We started late, waiting for Ruslina to pick her songs, & got home late, having to fetch Jerry from Suria, send Chester back home near school, not to mention the jam in town. So I ended up not being able to see Nigel. Conflicts emerge, concerning my having to go behind my parents, to spend time with my boy. I don't like sneaking out behind them. I don't like having to lie. I am extremely frightened of being found out, because if I am found out, I know that chances of us being able to go out properly would diminish even further. But I am extremely unhappy at not being able to spend time with my boyfriend. I miss him. The aching comes only occasionally, and that's why I cry. Most times, I just think about him & remember him a lot, without the longing. I guess it's because I keep myself busy. My opinion is that, I am controlling myself very well. I am actually pushing myself to be stronger, & even though I could have done better by not hurting myself, at least I'm not breaking down & being totally dysfunctional. He's loving enough to keep me strong. My situation is not the harshest tragedy in the world, but relative to my capacity, it's harsh enough to stretch the limits. I don't know a lot about friendships. My social relationships have never been very tight- it's not natural for me to put so much & think so much about friendships. So now, with him in my life, I'm learning a lot of things at once- Trusting, being trustworthy, keeping promises, being happy for the other's sake, being supportive, being unselfish, being concerned, putting myself in the other's shoes, how to control my emotions, etc. All to be learnt with him across the sea. & it's barely a year since we'd met. Sometimes I feel as though I go behind my parents' backs, so that my boy would be happy. But I think about it and, no. I only feel that way because I feel relieved when I don't have to risk getting caught. The relief that comes outweighs the disappointment of not being able to see my boy, at the time. Which is so, so sad. I'm actually that pressured, that scared. It is not okay, because that relief comes from the absence of a fear that isn't even supposed to be there. Why am I made to be afraid? Why can't they just let me go out with Nigel? & when the relief is over, I'm left with the constant resentment & frustration, not to mention the ache. All the things I'd tell my parents when I'm older. When I'm getting married. When I'm already married. How much they hurt me. How hard they make life for me. How pressured I am, because I am stubborn to stay with my first real boyfriend. How I hate the suggestion of us breaking up so that I can concentrate on my stupid studies, when the only reason I concentrate happily is because of him. How I don't want to sound like a silly teenager spouting out all the above & making it sound like lovestruck gibberish & not being able to prove anything to them, except by holding on, so I don't tell them what I feel now. I wonder if they'd try to justify themselves. I wonder if they'd laugh it off. Or would they still be against us? Especially mum. She has more reasons than pa to be unhappy about me being with Nigel. My actions can be justified. Or they can not be. It depends on who the audience is. For me, my actions are, because I treasure this relationship very much, whereas for the adults, obedience to them is key. I justify what I do, the few times I do it, by reasoning that, it's just unfair. It hurts me, I don't want to be unhappy, & I don't want Nigel to be unhappy. I don't want to be scared into numbing my ache & letting things be, because I know, it's not a possibility, it's not a probability, it's a FACT that if this doesn't work out, I am going to spend the rest of my life regretting & hurting. I know girls who are, because of what they'd lost. Wow, what a rant. I kept having second thoughts about letting all that out, or at least, most of it, but recording things this confusing is always good. Maybe I'd be able to see Nigel later. Maybe tomorrow morning. Maybe I'll be able to send him off tomorrow, though I doubt it, because I have a meeting to attend in church. Thinking about how I'm not going to be able to hug him for the next eight weeks is already painful. It matters, whatever is happening, whatever I'm feeling, whatever he is feeling, whatever is going to happen. But it isn't as important as the fact that, I love this boy. I don't want to be talking like what we have won't last, & I shouldn't be, but hypothetically, even if we don't last, I'd still love him- not just as a friend, it's impossible; & the next guy would have to be prepared to acknowledge that there's just that place he can't take. Yes, I'll blow my own trumpet: I'm a dead loyal lover. Because I am. Signed, Carmelia. Feeling, stubborn. Thinking, it's 11.17pm.

Friday: Couch Date

Woke up, got to school eagerly only to be disappointed by the absence of doughnuts. Seriously, do the canteen operators at Canteen C expect people to buy their overpriced cupcakes? I want doughnuts!

But ended up buying some other stuff & finishing them in one go. That is still acceptable, since I only had a bite of some peanut butter and jelly sandwich at home.

I enjoyed General Studies today. We started on a new chapter: Dasar Dalam Negara. Which including all those RMK-*insert number* and Dasar Ekonomi (Economic Policies). Maybe I enjoy GS because I'm relatively good at it, thanks to it being more language-based & memory-based.

Which is probably why while others slave away over Mathematics during our free time in class, I tend to be reading Biology. At least I'm doing something productive. If I had my way, I'd make myself work more on Math, instead of on reading subjects like GS and Biology that I already enjoy. But since I'm not yet getting solid As for GS and Biology, I guess spending time on them instead of Chemistry and Math is justifiable.

Mum was stressed out during MUET today. I think. I don't blame her... I wouldn't like it if my students don't pay that much attention to the subject I teach. Especially when it shows in the examination results. I didn't do well for my Question 1 for Writing; wrote a little too much. I wouldn't have had if I'd paid attention & known that there was actually a WORD limit. Oops. But it was alright, I still did pretty good for the factual essay.

We learnt Curves for Math S. It wasn't difficult at all- But of course, we're only at the tip of the iceberg. It's the same for almost every chapter, except Matrices- Easy at first, & we relax, & then we get headshot by the application problems & all the little little laws & rules & equations.

I'd left my wallet at home today, so I couldn't borrow any books from the library, which demotivated me from going to the library, so I ended up having rice & vegetables. Tasty. But I STILL wanted doughnuts. :(

We did the Chromatography experiment for Biology today, after recess. They were fascinated with the mortar and pestle, which they used to- what's the word... Smash up some bayam leaves, to get a red liquid, and some other kind of leafy vegetables that produced greenish liquid. Which stained my hand a little and... Oh, it's gone now. No surprises; I have had three showers today.

After school was horrible.

I HATE how my parents won't let me be alone with Nigel. Which makes our Sunday outing a very BIG deal because we were actually left by ourselves. You can imagine my joy concerning THAT. But today? We weren't even going to go out. I knew they wouldn't let, I'd talked to pa about it, & we'd sort of agreed that I'm allowed to have Nigel over at our place, so that my mum, or sister, or whoever at home, can keep an eye on us or whatever rubbish it is they want to do (but end up not doing anyway).

Sort of agreed only, because my parents don't like talking about anything to do with my relationship with Nigel, namely dates.

I'd rather they be frank about it. Give and take. Accept that I have a boyfriend, and that I love him to bits. Bring him out, talk with him, be serious about it.

And not stay quiet about it, being such cowards, and suddenly making a big deal out of things when I want to spend time with him.

I cried a lot in the car, while waiting for mum to finish some tasks in the school office. I was only really, really frustrated at first, and the tears that trickled down were born of anger. But while talking to mei on the phone to find out what time she's going to come home, so that I'll know what time Nigel will be able to come over (since mum doesn't want to be the only one at home with us, for some inexplicable reason), the fact that everything is so fucked up & unfair hurt me so much, I sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed some more when mei suggested, irritatedly, that I don't spend time with Nigel today.

Mei probably relented, & told pa how I cried, because after five minutes, pa called, sounding unhappy. Asking me to fetch mei & go home. I asked him what happens after that. He sounded really annoyed. "After that? After that just- Haihz, he can come over lah- haihz. You ah, Thung, I- I really don't know lah."

What the hell did I do? I thought we'd already AGREED it's okay for him to come over. Is it my fault that mum suddenly becomes moody & doesn't want to be the only one at home with her daughter and her boyfriend?

It all turned out well, though. I'm thankful, so thankful. Nigel had to wait quite a long while, because mum had to go fetch mei, and it was jamming at Damai, and we had to sent mei's friend to Foh Sang.

But I got a few hours with my boy, and I am so, so glad about it. He had the fried mee hoon I'd ordered from the school canteen, thinking we were going to go home without fetching mei at Lintas (otherwise I'd have gotten something better from Lintas). I had the pan mien mum ordered- half of it (the other half I had around six for an early dinner- cold, because I was hungry & we had to rush to youth)

I really enjoyed this afternoon. I don' t know how to ever explain this to my parents, or anyone else: Being physically close to him heals something. It sounds weird, even to me. And maybe it sounds... Wrong. And it makes me sound very needy, I guess.

But to be able to lean in & kiss him whenever I want, & hug him, & hold onto his arms, his hands; to have him right in front of me when I talk to him; to be able to run my fingers through his hair, make him smile, make him wince- and see it right there, & have the urge to do something about it, & being able to, because he's there. It's wonderful.

Mei shut herself in her room, & mum went upstairs. In the end, our supposed chaperones left us alone. Again, I'm not complaining.

I'd feel guilty about what we do-

But then I'd went through weeks of long days & lonely nights, just to have him back for a week & getting to see him only thrice, after severe emotional distress. He's leaving on Sunday, & it'll be two months before I get to see him again, that after the mid-year examinations, which is potentially deadly to me now. I cannot imagine the emotional burdens I'm about to give piggyback-rides to.

So no. I probably should feel guilty (God knows), but I simply don't.

If my parents accepts this, & integrates Nigel into our lives; talk about our relationship with me,ask about Nigel, joke, laugh, be happy about it... I can't guarantee anything, of course. But my theory is that, they'd probably find me more willing to cooperate & be obedient concerning the things we do when we're alone.

But ah. Let bygones be bygones. I don't regret anything.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, sleepy!
Thinking, I have got to reach my target weight. So 54 kilograms it is, by April!

Thursday; Beach Evening, Nana & Ru

Highlights: Nana & Ashrul came over!

Well, at least they were supposed to. Came home from KFC to find Jerry left the house, & I was so irritated that I didn't think properly to check the inside cabinet for the key. I found out later that they WERE there, but by then we'd left for the beaches.

I'd planned a relaxing evening at home, watching movies & chatting. But Nana & Ash were eager to seek out Keele Chin & head to the beach, & I didn't mind going out & leaving the house, so off we went!

A lot more happened today. All the little things that's defining who I'm going to be years from now on. Things like teachers paying me attention, Ivy telling me that her elder sister said I'm pretty, Doraemon talking with me about losing weight, me stuffing my face with bread & rice & veggies & egg & coffee & kuih after kuih after kuih.

I just don't care, recently. I could barely concentrate during Math S, which came before recess, because I'd felt so hungry. Even though I had coffee & a few pieces of bread.

We'd learnt about arenes & the nomenclature of alkenes today. Cikgu Goh shared with us about how Gary, from Horsey & Banana's batch of Sixth Formers, improved, from 20, to 50% for the final school examinations, to a beautiful, round A for STPM Chemistry. All because he became very interested in Organic Chemistry, as opposed to Physical Chemistry. According to Cikgu Goh, Organic Chem is very important. You master Organic Chem, you will do well for Chemistry.

Which is a good, good thing, because I'm actually starting out well for Organic Chemistry. & I think the teacher thinks so too.

Math, though, is a sad story. An A for Math S is within reach, as long as I do my revision, but for Math T, it's like learning Defence Against the Dark Arts for a year, & getting thrown into the Forbidden Forest. You know your theory, you practiced- But you will still not know what's going to come at you, & chances are you're not going to know what that thing you see in front of you is.

I'm thinking of spending at least thirty minutes everyday just typing about how my day went. It's mainly for Nigel, so he can read & find out how my day really went when he wants to, instead of the limited expressions I give him through texting. Also, maybe it will help me organize my thoughts, so that I won't get attacked by confusion when things don't go well. And it'll be interesting to look back, one day, on how I spent 2011. One of the most difficult years of my short life.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, tired but awake.
Thinking, I wish I could help you heal & be happy, happy, happy again, girl.

Reactions.

The things we don't tell people because of the reactions we assume we will get.

Like how I don't tell Jona that, perhaps he is right. In a way, he does influence me. I put smileys where I wouldn't have had before, places where I'm simply neutral. Just to feel like I'd masked a little more of myself, like I want others to think I'm cheerful when I'm feeling nothing.

Like how I don't tell my parents straight how much I love my boyfriend & plan to stay with him no matter what.

Like how I don't tell.

Quite a few other examples, but I'd forgotten. I forget about unhappy things quickly.

Maybe that's why I always say I'm fine when people ask me if I'm tired & if I'm okay. It's almost automatic.

The crazy falls I experience are quickly forgotten. I used to think it was a great quality of mine, but now I realize, it's probably why I don't seek refuge or solutions to my miseries. I wave them off too quickly. So when they come around again, I am still unprepared.

Is it sadistic to have a mild desire for experiences generally deemed negative by society? I don't know. If there's a blame to throw, I'd throw it on the stories I'd read & lost myself in. To get drunk, to club, to live in slums, to drift in life, to get soaked by the rain, to get my heart broken, to befriend thieves, to be hated by the respected, to dress shabbily, to start talking to strangers wherever & whenever, to chalk sidewalks, to gamble, to get in a fight, to slip & fall in public.

Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe I don't know better. Is it that I've been so sheltered, I have not learnt to appreciate what I have?

I know that there's an infinite number of things that I don't know, & that's why I doubt so many of the things I know about. I doubt my own abilities, I doubt other people's abilities.

Nevertheless, no one can claim to know everything. Not me, & not the ones who are telling me things as though they know for sure.

My parents are quite against me being a boy's girlfriend. But I don't remember them ever claiming that we are not going to last & get married blissfully. Maybe it's because they don't dare to. Do I dare to claim that we are going to, though? I think, I can safely say I am stubborn enough to stick to that belief. Only five months, but it has been intense.

Concerning my longing for things that are unorthodox, my experience is that, I'm not so eccentric that there's absolutely no one who doesn't relate. In fact, there are people who shock ME with their eccentricity. It deflates me a lot, but it's fact. I guess everyone wants to feel special.

How would we ever know, who amongst us are the strangest ones? We never tell of desires that will seem out of place, or wrong. We only make known the eccentricities that we are sure people will be surprised at, but not against. We hide the most disgusting, vilest, weirdest, most unacceptable thoughts & feelings we possess.

Because we know that other people's reactions will be to shun us. It's not an assumption. We know. We don't want to be shunned, or condemned. If it's something we actually enjoy, we don't want to be forced to change. All the more if it's something we don't think is wrong at all.

I see glimpses of individuality in people sometimes. Something that looks like the potential to be one of the strangest people I know. A boy in my class is one of them. The girl from Sarawak too. One of my best buddies.

But I'll never know for sure, will I?


Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, melancholic.
Thinking, maybe someone needs therapy.

Sunday

Most overused phrase of mine: _________________

It should be a tie between (I don't know blank.) and (I suppose.)

Most overused wordFavorite word of mine: _____________

Probably (Probably.). or maybe (Maybe.)

I digress.

I don't know why, but whenever I hug Nigel nowadays, something just doesn't feel right. I just don't want to let go. & knowing that I have to, one moment or another, nags at me so.

Mum let us out Sunday afternoon. Thank God. Although I honestly don't know whether God's hand was in things, or mum just didn't want to fight anymore. Good. Because I don't want to fight too. I hate fighting, especially with people who are closest to me. Who wouldn't hate that? I'm scared of it too. It drains. So I don't. But by not fighting with mum, I don't get my way. Which means I don't get to spend time with my boy. Which drains me too.

I didn't know that, until recently. I'm not sure, but I guess the tearing down of my usual happy self was so gradual, I didn't even know.

I can't really say we had fun, Sunday afternoon. It was more, we enjoyed ourselves. We watched Rango, he got me a new blouse with multi-color ribbons on it <3 & we went Starbucks where he chatted with his bestfriend a while, waiting for my dad to fetch us.

A proper date. A date that I don't have to lie about to my parents.

It's not his fault. It's no one's, I suppose. More important, it's not our fault, that we get so little time to spend together with. I resent it. But the resentment is... Honestly, & obviously, not much, compared to the bewildering realization that-

Starting to sound a little dramatic there.

I've been coming across articles, both on Tumblr & Facebook, on how precious hand-holding is. More precious than kissing, sex, this & that stuff that couples do together. A lot of sweet reasoning that I don't really remember now because firstly, I couldn't seem to relate to it, & secondly, they were probably reasons that, with minor tweaks, I can use on any other couple-activities.

Hugs, on the other hand... Maybe for me, getting to hold only his hand, just isn't enough now. Not when I don't get to see him weeks in a row. I don't know whether it's enough. Maybe it is. But I don't feel like it is. Doesn't mean I don't need it, though. I'd have reached out for his hand loads of times, if he wasn't already reaching out for mine.

It's time for bed now, whether I want to leave my thoughts alone or not.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, thirsty.
Thinking, I think happy thoughts!

So What.

One of the most horrible holidays I've ever had, so far.

Thank God. Because I've grown more during these past four days than I have during any other stretch of holidays. Probably.

God's around, I know. & He loves me, & He cares. But. I don't know how to put this, but I can't give back to God. Maybe it's because I don't want to, or maybe I really just can't. I don't want to reject His love & His help, & I hope I am not doing just that. But I don't really worship him or pray or thank Him or ask for help. I do, but not really.

I don't know whether Tumblr's helping me, or helping to destroy me. Or maybe one brings out the other. The things I see through Tumblr remind me again & again how beautiful life can be. It sounds cliche. It is true. The arts, witty quotes, pictures of the extraordinary, beautiful things, just an ordinary candid snapshot, stories.

It makes it hard for me to sit & study.

Round and round my thoughts go. I haven't been exactly kind to myself lately, & the sudden bursts of generosity I show myself are too sudden & impractical to do anything but drag me further down. I let this & that pass, but feel painfully guilty afterward.

After the entire fiasco at home that almost made me run away to a nearby cafe for respite, we sat in the living room, just talking. I was trying not to hurt Jerry, who was being arrogant & rude. But Sophia's non-chalant yet mildly interested attitude was somewhat calming, & there were things she said that amused me.

She almost got me talking.

I let out my feelings a lot. I think I have this subconscious mentality where, if something isn't expressed, then it doesn't exist. If I'm happy, people must know. If I'm slaving away at my homework, people must know. If I'm sad, people must know- through some subtle way that doesn't show I want them to know but they'll still find out anyway.

But recently... I just don't want people to know. In a sadistic way that makes me almost... Proud of myself. Not wanting people to know means, maybe, that what I'm going through is not made-up. It's real.

...but since I'm blogging about it now...

Oh whatever.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, wistful.
Thinking, I want to be as strong & calm as he is.

Question

What on earth am I still doing at the computer?

Just came downstairs to pack up my water bottle & charge Nigel's iPod. The next thing I knew-

Makes me wish I live in a school dormitory sometimes. I work harder knowing there are people watching me. Yes, I kia-su.

Exam in three more days and I am not 20% as prepared as I want to be.

Recently found out a little bit more about Jona. He's... Not to say interesting, but there's something deeper to him than meets the eye. How deep, I don't know. When I found out about what he does to himself, I was concerned, of course- But I didn't tell him to stop it or not to be stupid or anything sensible-sounding.

If it's attention he wants, that I'll give. But that's not what he wants. Which makes him unusual. In such a familiar way.

Of course, my instincts can always be wrong.

It's a roller-coaster ride. Right now, more than learning about phosphorylations or enthalpies of formation & hydration or differentiation of ln x, I'm learning to discipline myself without anyone behind me.

I'm not alone, I know. I have support & encouragement. But these are distant, non-direct supplements. More than ever I'm actually pushing myself to stay focused.

Roller-coaster ride, because sometimes I turn into this perfectionist, high-achieving girl who can work for hours straight, not eat, leave everyone else to study solo-

-& the next moment, I become distracted, wanting to do everything but hit the books. I slack, give myself allowances, tell myself that it's alright, I'm smart enough.

So when I revert back to Miss Get-Going, the guilt- simply put- kills.

Like right now.

I've always been fine with Time moving as it is. I don't complain much about how slow time crawls or how fast time flies. But nowadays, I find myself wishing that everything would just stop, so I could work on one goal before I have to move on to the next day.

The things I say that I don't even know I don't mean.
The things I don't say that I know I mean so much.
The things I feel like doing but end up not doing.
The things I don't want to do- but somehow do anyway.

I am such a mess. I can't possibly be the only person in the world like this. I'm not that unique. The thing is whether I'd ever meet & befriend someone who contradict themselves as much as I do.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, guilty.
Thinking, out of all, I like the girl I am when I'm with you most.