Sunday:

First experience:

I told mum we should use the Doraemon poster paint. She said no, it wouldn't be of use on the styrofoam of the doll's house we were making for me. She told me to go upstairs and get another set of poster paint. I accidentally dropped one and it fell from the landing upstairs. Splash- the house is splattered with red paint.

She got angry and the project was cancelled.

Later on, I took the Doraemon paint and started painting on a leftover piece of styrofoam. The colour came on super nicely. Mum saw and told me that I was right, if only we just used the Doraemon paint.

I was in Kindergarten.


Second experience:

We were having fun in the house in Sipitang. I took some lotion & dabbed some on my toddler cousin's face, to the amusement of my other cousins.

My aunt later saw it and started scolding me, saying stuff about ants.

I later realized, she probably thought it was icing, because the lotion smelt like orange. But by then, she'd already sounded off at me so I left it at that.


Third experience:

It was a game in school. Everyone was required to link arms and form large circles. I was quickly asked to join one of the bigger girl groups, but I declined because that would mean leaving my friend out.

She ended up joining the girl group instead, leaving me with two other left out guys. Everyone watched us as the teachers urged us to link arms, me and the two boys. I almost cried.




I am consciously reminding myself never to let any of the bad experiences I have had with people letting me down & misunderstanding me & being angry at me unnecessarily make me have a bad attitude and change my philosophy of, forgiving no matter what, being good to people no matter what.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, quiet.
Thinking, be optimistic, be optimistic.

Friday:

When people ask you, whether you miss them or not, usually the nice thing to say would be:

"Oh, yes! I missed you, I do."

...

Nowadays, instead of doing the un-nice thing and say no, or lie, I take some time before answering. People might think I'm considering the answer to the question, but in actual fact I already know the answer.

I'll definitely say yes. The moments I take before answering is to search for that 'miss' feeling and bring it back up to where I'm conscious of it.

Because truly, anyone who's ever spent time with me or is my friend, and we have lost contact for some time, I would miss.

Sometimes I'd randomly remember someone, and wonder how they are, and if we'd get the chance to meet up again. This usually takes around, ten seconds. Then I get distracted.

So, yes. If I say I miss you, I probably, really did notice your absence in my life.



There are a few people whom I think about more often than others. Here are four of them:

1. Nana

She's one heck of a girl. We connect very easily, and this is saying something. I'm comfortable around her because Nana is a very non-judgmental person. The things she has been through, the misunderstandings, has molded her into a very understanding person herself.

2. Nigel

I notice his absence the most. It's like, "I wish he was here now so I can rant to him." or "I wish he could taste this too." or "I wish he could help me finish this."

We have not had much time together, physically. So there might be people who doubt me when I say I miss him.

I'm still figuring out, what exactly makes me feel emptiness when I think about him sometimes, & why the desire to see him grows & hurts sometimes.

Maybe the logic is that, who wouldn't like being with someone who loves them & listens & shares things with you?

3. Nicholas Tay

This is a guy who cheered me up a lot during a time when I felt down, just by appearing at the window of our classroom. Maybe it's because he's both English speaking & yet doesn't take everything so seriously (most English speaking guys I know have, well, heavy ambitions & opinions.)

4. Jinho Clement

There is rarely a dull moment with him in the room. I have had enlightening conversations with him, & it's from him I've learnt to hold on to seemingly minor, but important virtues- like patience with adults, the art of appreciation, & optimism. Not to mention, other than Abbegail, whom I rarely stay in contact with anymore, he's one of the friends I've known the longest.



Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, wistful.
Thinking, life is but a vapour in the face of a strong, dry wind.