Music: Unchartered by Sarah Bareilles.
I usually take twenty minutes trying to decide what to wear on Sunday mornings, especially when I'm at the piano. Everything has to be presentable & proper.
So now that I'm going to a camp where there are no mirrors available whatsoever, & the heat to think about, plus I'll be in front manning the laptop, so to speak-
This is going to be a long night.
Music: Do You Remember by Jay Sean
Oh my gosh I hear mum coughing. She is still awake. I'm doomed.
12:16AM
Music: Uncharterd by Sarah Bareilles
I'm not doomed! Packing continues.
12:17AM
It's like, the less I can make myself bring to camp, the more accomplished I am. Thus, me anti-trolley bag.
Even though I know I'm gonna regret this.
12:18AM
Maybe I should use the trolley bag... But the Playboy tote's just nice...
12:24AM
A trolley would be nice too... It can just lie like a small cabinet on the floor & I can just get my clothes, instead of digging around in the Playboy tote...
12:26AM
Music: Unchartered by- ohhh you know.
But I don't want to be dragging the trolley to and fro the car tomorrow and on the 3rd.
Wait. That'll only be dragging twice.
Let the transfer begin!!
12:28AM
Music: Drumma Boy by Justin Ellis
Yes, I am on Tumblr.
12:29AM
Changed my mind. Playboy tote too small & cool.
12:33AM
CAMERA to charge. iPOD to update & charge. What else what else. Oh yeah. Have to pack pencil case. A properly packed pencil case is very useful. You never know when you need like, a ruler. Or tape.
Maybe I should bring my calculator.
12:34AM
Music: Price Tag by Jessie J.
It's not Math camp, heck. But... HECK DON'T BRING THE CALCULATOR.
12:36AM
Music: Uncharted.
Baby Oil?... Will think about it tomorrow. Now, off to pack pencil case upstairs in my room, & shower, brush my teeth, & come back downstairs to sleep on the couch. I'd removed the bedspread & blankets from my bed/mattress during my clean up just now and I'm too lazy to put them back now.
I feel a little bad for scolding- Okay, I was screaming, at Bubu just now. But really. Why does she keep attacking my feet? Stop it, Bubu. Don't bite. Why me? Why???
Now to Italianize (?) & bold up the above post, then I'm off to bed!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Irrational Contemporary Wishlist.
Hi, reader who never comments but reads my posts every now and then. It's alright, I don't mind not knowing who you are. It's better this way, otherwise my posts wouldn't be so raw.
A List of the Randomest, Most Inappropriate Things I Wish I Could Do Right Now.
1. Stay out all night, with a car.
2. Run until I collapse on the ground, with no one watching.
3. Blast off music in a room full of mirrors & dance.
4. Distribute baskets full of healthy goodies to random people around town who look like they could use some cheering up. Like that old lady across the street, or those mothers with ten kids from church.
5. Open up a huge mansion for friends to group study, crash study, cram, take breaks. Music, snacks, dinner, books & books & books.
6. Bring to somewhere pretty someone who would keep taking pictures of me no matter how vain or silly my poses are. Probably the beach. It's really nice there at nights.
7. Paint sidewalks all over town. With a paintbrush, not spray paint cans.
8. Sing while playing the guitar at the beach with people around.
9. Cut my hair short. With a penknife or paper scissors. Style doesn't matter- I just want it shot.
10. Go swimming right now, in a cold, cold pool.
11. Hang out at Sutera Habour with Nigel. There's something romantic about that place.
12. Throw out everything I don't absolutely need from my room & stop being a hoarder.
13. Watch television & have sushi.
14. Fly over to KL & surprise Nigel.
15. Go for a long drive with Nigel.
16. Jam.
17. Write & write & never having to erase anything because I'll just open up a new document & save every reject.
18. Get my hair done. Wash, blow-dry, treatment, perm, curl, rebond, highlight, anything.
19. Stuff myself with sushi until I feel like throwing up.
20. Talk & talk & talk about the serious side of life with someone who will not judge me negatively, nor reprimand me, nor doubt that I mean what I say, nor forget about the cheerful girl I am as well. & I do the same.
21. Jump on Nigel's back.
22. Go roller skating.
23. Go somewhere really really cold- & not bundle up.
24. Go somewhere really really cold with Nigel & use that excuse to hang onto him like a koala on an eucalyptus tree.
25. Go on a shopping spree with my Maybankard.
A List of the Randomest, Most Inappropriate Things I Wish I Could Do Right Now.
1. Stay out all night, with a car.
2. Run until I collapse on the ground, with no one watching.
3. Blast off music in a room full of mirrors & dance.
4. Distribute baskets full of healthy goodies to random people around town who look like they could use some cheering up. Like that old lady across the street, or those mothers with ten kids from church.
5. Open up a huge mansion for friends to group study, crash study, cram, take breaks. Music, snacks, dinner, books & books & books.
6. Bring to somewhere pretty someone who would keep taking pictures of me no matter how vain or silly my poses are. Probably the beach. It's really nice there at nights.
7. Paint sidewalks all over town. With a paintbrush, not spray paint cans.
8. Sing while playing the guitar at the beach with people around.
9. Cut my hair short. With a penknife or paper scissors. Style doesn't matter- I just want it shot.
10. Go swimming right now, in a cold, cold pool.
11. Hang out at Sutera Habour with Nigel. There's something romantic about that place.
12. Throw out everything I don't absolutely need from my room & stop being a hoarder.
13. Watch television & have sushi.
14. Fly over to KL & surprise Nigel.
15. Go for a long drive with Nigel.
16. Jam.
17. Write & write & never having to erase anything because I'll just open up a new document & save every reject.
18. Get my hair done. Wash, blow-dry, treatment, perm, curl, rebond, highlight, anything.
19. Stuff myself with sushi until I feel like throwing up.
20. Talk & talk & talk about the serious side of life with someone who will not judge me negatively, nor reprimand me, nor doubt that I mean what I say, nor forget about the cheerful girl I am as well. & I do the same.
21. Jump on Nigel's back.
22. Go roller skating.
23. Go somewhere really really cold- & not bundle up.
24. Go somewhere really really cold with Nigel & use that excuse to hang onto him like a koala on an eucalyptus tree.
25. Go on a shopping spree with my Maybankard.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Sunday: Panic
panic [ˈpænɪk]n
So perhaps the feeling I'm feeling recently isn't really panic. What do you call panic that creeps in slow?
It's not just to do with the examinations, though of course, exams take the major part of the cake. Cake. I feel nauseous just at the thought of it.
Someone once said that, You always know the right thing to do; the hard part is doing it. Well, yes, I suppose. Get me to talk about it, and everything would sound alright, okay. You'd be thinking, this girl knows what's right, she's got her head on straight. So what's the problem?
What's the problem, indeed. I think oftentimes I don't want to share, or attempt to anyway, what's on my mind, because I don't want things to come out sounding okay. Why do problems always sound okay & manageable when I talk about them? When they are not. They sound okay even to me. But turn around, & those little moments add up to make me just want to cry at nights.
I end up visualizing stabbing things, usually living things, to get rid of this thing inside me. Maybe my own arm, or some animal. Hamsters *dry laugh*. Just stabbing. And telling someone to shut up. No one in particular, just anyone. Shut up. Or me cutting my hair boy-short. Drastic things I would never, ever seriously think about doing. I think.
What is normal? I'm not normal. I don't think so. Oppressed? But maybe I'm just dramatizing things.
Nigel would scoff, I suppose. Tell me to take care of myself. Stop over thinking. Tell me he's worried. Or not to make him worried.
Anyone else being that unsympathetic, I'd have withdrawn from already. It's not their fault- I just don't need to feel smaller than I already do. But Nigel's different. I feel obliged. Whether that's a good thing, I don't know. Hopefully he's right, that this will pass. This stupid, idiotic, useless period of emotional torture will pass. He's probably right. I'm just wondering if there isn't any other alternative to just getting through until it passes.
To do list:
1. Pass examinations calmly & without breaking down.
2. Stop obsessing about emotions.
3. Pray more?
4. Teacher's Day celebration decorations.
5. Decide what not to take up that is not (yet) compulsory (for now) i.e. Sonya's farewell, camp media assistant post.
6. Decide what not to think about.
7. Stop obsessing about my weight.
8. Obsess about weight & stop eating.
9. Don't get sick. Like, seriously.
10. Stop thinking about what to do and just do it.
God? Are you listening? Can you just kind of wrench everything away from me, if that's what You want me to do, and just take control? Instead of waiting for me to plead & ask you to? Because I don't know what's the best for me right now. Turn me into a robot if you want, I don't mind. Being a complex human being is tough work.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, panicky.
Thinking, I'm willing to give everything up- Except... Well.
1. a sudden overwhelming feeling of terror or anxiety, esp one affecting a whole group of people
2. (modifier) of or resulting from such terrorSo perhaps the feeling I'm feeling recently isn't really panic. What do you call panic that creeps in slow?
It's not just to do with the examinations, though of course, exams take the major part of the cake. Cake. I feel nauseous just at the thought of it.
Someone once said that, You always know the right thing to do; the hard part is doing it. Well, yes, I suppose. Get me to talk about it, and everything would sound alright, okay. You'd be thinking, this girl knows what's right, she's got her head on straight. So what's the problem?
What's the problem, indeed. I think oftentimes I don't want to share, or attempt to anyway, what's on my mind, because I don't want things to come out sounding okay. Why do problems always sound okay & manageable when I talk about them? When they are not. They sound okay even to me. But turn around, & those little moments add up to make me just want to cry at nights.
I end up visualizing stabbing things, usually living things, to get rid of this thing inside me. Maybe my own arm, or some animal. Hamsters *dry laugh*. Just stabbing. And telling someone to shut up. No one in particular, just anyone. Shut up. Or me cutting my hair boy-short. Drastic things I would never, ever seriously think about doing. I think.
What is normal? I'm not normal. I don't think so. Oppressed? But maybe I'm just dramatizing things.
Nigel would scoff, I suppose. Tell me to take care of myself. Stop over thinking. Tell me he's worried. Or not to make him worried.
Anyone else being that unsympathetic, I'd have withdrawn from already. It's not their fault- I just don't need to feel smaller than I already do. But Nigel's different. I feel obliged. Whether that's a good thing, I don't know. Hopefully he's right, that this will pass. This stupid, idiotic, useless period of emotional torture will pass. He's probably right. I'm just wondering if there isn't any other alternative to just getting through until it passes.
To do list:
1. Pass examinations calmly & without breaking down.
2. Stop obsessing about emotions.
3. Pray more?
4. Teacher's Day celebration decorations.
5. Decide what not to take up that is not (yet) compulsory (for now) i.e. Sonya's farewell, camp media assistant post.
6. Decide what not to think about.
7. Stop obsessing about my weight.
8. Obsess about weight & stop eating.
9. Don't get sick. Like, seriously.
10. Stop thinking about what to do and just do it.
God? Are you listening? Can you just kind of wrench everything away from me, if that's what You want me to do, and just take control? Instead of waiting for me to plead & ask you to? Because I don't know what's the best for me right now. Turn me into a robot if you want, I don't mind. Being a complex human being is tough work.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, panicky.
Thinking, I'm willing to give everything up- Except... Well.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Tuesday: Prep for Examinations.
Tired, sleepy recently.
And I finished Garth Nix's Keys to the Kingdom Series.
Not much to say here. It gets to me, of course. Not as much as Harry Potter did- I'd actually cried & smiled & laughed with the story. The Kingdom Series- I did not. Probably because I was rushing to finish it, because I couldn't concentrate on studying & revising without finishing the books. And also, it wasn't that real, that concrete a story as Harry Potter.
But still. It made me stay up minutes after I'd gotten into bed. Thinking. Feeling...
The feeling's still there.
I won't be updating much until my May examinations are over. Not much is going to happen anyway. I will occasionally post a few sentences, perhaps. But till then, not much serious blogging, I suppose.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, tired.
Thinking, seven months.
And I finished Garth Nix's Keys to the Kingdom Series.
Not much to say here. It gets to me, of course. Not as much as Harry Potter did- I'd actually cried & smiled & laughed with the story. The Kingdom Series- I did not. Probably because I was rushing to finish it, because I couldn't concentrate on studying & revising without finishing the books. And also, it wasn't that real, that concrete a story as Harry Potter.
But still. It made me stay up minutes after I'd gotten into bed. Thinking. Feeling...
The feeling's still there.
I won't be updating much until my May examinations are over. Not much is going to happen anyway. I will occasionally post a few sentences, perhaps. But till then, not much serious blogging, I suppose.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, tired.
Thinking, seven months.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Sunday: Mother's Day
Not much planning for mum. Didn't go out with the family, no cake- Just some long-lasting purple maroon flowers from Pick & Pay. We shared the cost amongst ourselves. Not much. But mum looked so happy when I gave it to her this morning. :)
Church: Arrived earlier than usual to set down the cupcakes & cookies & warm up a little (voice) & get the songs for worship ready. During preaching, I went downstairs to help Tasha set up Bethel (the room we use for English Sunday School & Youth Gathering). I didn't plan to initially, but Caleb the baby was sick & crying, disturbing the service, so I carried him out & ended up helping Tasha.
The Mother's Day tea was fine :) Samantha helped out with the coffee and tea. People liked my cupcakes- Too bad there were only fifteen large ones, & thirteen batches of butter cookies. I believe them when they say that the cupcakes taste better than store-bought ones (Butter cupcakes, yo, and mocha cupcakes too, with cream cheese frosting).
But I don't believe them when they say I'm so good at it. The recipes for both the cake & cookies are from my mum- And super easy. Fail-safe. I can straightaway recite the three/four ingredients & oven temperature, & little things to look out for, like, you should use room temperature eggs. Baking isn't difficult, honestly. However, things like whipping, creaming, folding- takes practice, as I found out when my friends came over to make cookies. The way they creamed the butter was... It told me that creaming isn't actually that easy.
Ethan's 1st Birthday: At SGCC. Truth be told, Aunt Joyce (AJ)'s second son always seems a bit blue. Not literally. Just... A little moody & unwell. I pray that he'll grow stronger, being the miracle baby he is. There was quite a scare during his birth, stuff to do with abnormal breathing rates.
I took pictures, as Nigel suggested. There was a clown, cupcakes, a cake with fondant, food. Pamela's mother and Benjamin's mothers spoke to me on their own accord- Which was really nice. Benjamin was at Citymall looking after the Cosway shop his mother had taken over.
I never used to really take notice of Uncle William. He was like this, really rich, high-society guy who was my Aunt Joyce's husband; likes to laugh, has two kids who are as high-society as he is, behaves in a friendly, generous manner. He buys me books- From Meg Cabot's Princess Diaries (...) to Harry Potter books. Expensive, those books, so I liked them a lot, albeit feeling small & unworthy sometimes.
Nigel & Kimberley Chee were just... You know. His kids. Uncle William talks about them, & I remember the time when Nigel wanted to come home from Singapore. Mum had called this Nigel Chee a 'brat' who didn't know what was good for him. He probably only wanted to be with his friends in Kota Kinabalu, thus pulling out from this supposedly elite boarding school. I didn't say much, because I wasn't interested, & I didn't know him.
During family gatherings at Uncle William and Aunt Joyce's, I could just hide in my corner. Read. Maybe chat a little with Benjamin, and then Pamela. Never Nigel, oh no. Never Kimberley. There they stand, talking easily with ADULTS, laughing. Confidence radiating & I think I can almost see the shine.
Stupid, yeah, but that was me back then.
And now, I wonder what happened. Where was the tipping point? Now, I'm Uncle William's son's girlfriend. Check back. Yeah, that's not wrong. But it doesn't sound, I don't know. Real. And now, during family gatherings, there's almost a pressure to mingle, chat, & make the effort to get people to like me. To be proper, nice, friendly but still cool. Pretty, with outstanding achievements to blush about when my parents tell people about them. Good with the little kids, all decked out in moderate but stylish clothes.
A proper girlfriend for Nigel Chee.
Though no one's accusing me of being unworthy, & no one's judging me- Well, full stop. No one is. Still, it is weird. Once, gatherings like those were merely events where I get to look at strangers who were relatives, eat, talk with the few adults I'm closer with, & leave.
Now, knowing that Uncle William is a future in-law, & those relatives, those strangers & mere acquaintances were going to family one day & attend my wedding- Okay, honestly. A little stressed out.
But it's all good stress, the kind that makes me smile awkwardly but sincerely. I have nothing to complain about & everything to be thankful for.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, sleepy.
Thinking, intense studying intense studying.
Church: Arrived earlier than usual to set down the cupcakes & cookies & warm up a little (voice) & get the songs for worship ready. During preaching, I went downstairs to help Tasha set up Bethel (the room we use for English Sunday School & Youth Gathering). I didn't plan to initially, but Caleb the baby was sick & crying, disturbing the service, so I carried him out & ended up helping Tasha.
The Mother's Day tea was fine :) Samantha helped out with the coffee and tea. People liked my cupcakes- Too bad there were only fifteen large ones, & thirteen batches of butter cookies. I believe them when they say that the cupcakes taste better than store-bought ones (Butter cupcakes, yo, and mocha cupcakes too, with cream cheese frosting).
But I don't believe them when they say I'm so good at it. The recipes for both the cake & cookies are from my mum- And super easy. Fail-safe. I can straightaway recite the three/four ingredients & oven temperature, & little things to look out for, like, you should use room temperature eggs. Baking isn't difficult, honestly. However, things like whipping, creaming, folding- takes practice, as I found out when my friends came over to make cookies. The way they creamed the butter was... It told me that creaming isn't actually that easy.
Ethan's 1st Birthday: At SGCC. Truth be told, Aunt Joyce (AJ)'s second son always seems a bit blue. Not literally. Just... A little moody & unwell. I pray that he'll grow stronger, being the miracle baby he is. There was quite a scare during his birth, stuff to do with abnormal breathing rates.
I took pictures, as Nigel suggested. There was a clown, cupcakes, a cake with fondant, food. Pamela's mother and Benjamin's mothers spoke to me on their own accord- Which was really nice. Benjamin was at Citymall looking after the Cosway shop his mother had taken over.
I never used to really take notice of Uncle William. He was like this, really rich, high-society guy who was my Aunt Joyce's husband; likes to laugh, has two kids who are as high-society as he is, behaves in a friendly, generous manner. He buys me books- From Meg Cabot's Princess Diaries (...) to Harry Potter books. Expensive, those books, so I liked them a lot, albeit feeling small & unworthy sometimes.
Nigel & Kimberley Chee were just... You know. His kids. Uncle William talks about them, & I remember the time when Nigel wanted to come home from Singapore. Mum had called this Nigel Chee a 'brat' who didn't know what was good for him. He probably only wanted to be with his friends in Kota Kinabalu, thus pulling out from this supposedly elite boarding school. I didn't say much, because I wasn't interested, & I didn't know him.
During family gatherings at Uncle William and Aunt Joyce's, I could just hide in my corner. Read. Maybe chat a little with Benjamin, and then Pamela. Never Nigel, oh no. Never Kimberley. There they stand, talking easily with ADULTS, laughing. Confidence radiating & I think I can almost see the shine.
Stupid, yeah, but that was me back then.
And now, I wonder what happened. Where was the tipping point? Now, I'm Uncle William's son's girlfriend. Check back. Yeah, that's not wrong. But it doesn't sound, I don't know. Real. And now, during family gatherings, there's almost a pressure to mingle, chat, & make the effort to get people to like me. To be proper, nice, friendly but still cool. Pretty, with outstanding achievements to blush about when my parents tell people about them. Good with the little kids, all decked out in moderate but stylish clothes.
A proper girlfriend for Nigel Chee.
Though no one's accusing me of being unworthy, & no one's judging me- Well, full stop. No one is. Still, it is weird. Once, gatherings like those were merely events where I get to look at strangers who were relatives, eat, talk with the few adults I'm closer with, & leave.
Now, knowing that Uncle William is a future in-law, & those relatives, those strangers & mere acquaintances were going to family one day & attend my wedding- Okay, honestly. A little stressed out.
But it's all good stress, the kind that makes me smile awkwardly but sincerely. I have nothing to complain about & everything to be thankful for.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, sleepy.
Thinking, intense studying intense studying.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Saturday:
Didn't blog yesterday. I wonder what I'm so busy with.
Mother's Day tomorrow. Baked the cupcakes & cookies. All done. Now I wanna online & Tumblr but mum told me to go sleep.
Would be kinda a hypocrite to wish all a Blessed Mother's Day and not obey my mum. I'll try, at least today, tomorrow, the day after...
Pa finally acknowledged that I talked about furthering my studies in Australia. Usually he just ignored me. He asked, how much would it cost? What did I want to study? I said, probably psychology, then become a teacher. He said it's a waste of money to go overseas just to become a teacher.
He has a point. I'll think about it. As I told Melissa just now... I'll claw my way to Australia.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, blank.
Thinking, I wonder if the extra strong mocha frap I had just now will affect me tonight.
Mother's Day tomorrow. Baked the cupcakes & cookies. All done. Now I wanna online & Tumblr but mum told me to go sleep.
Would be kinda a hypocrite to wish all a Blessed Mother's Day and not obey my mum. I'll try, at least today, tomorrow, the day after...
Pa finally acknowledged that I talked about furthering my studies in Australia. Usually he just ignored me. He asked, how much would it cost? What did I want to study? I said, probably psychology, then become a teacher. He said it's a waste of money to go overseas just to become a teacher.
He has a point. I'll think about it. As I told Melissa just now... I'll claw my way to Australia.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, blank.
Thinking, I wonder if the extra strong mocha frap I had just now will affect me tonight.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Thursday:
Nothing out of the ordinary happened today.
Except that I tried not to speak the whole day, writing stuff on a piece of paper instead. But inthe end, I cracked. It's difficult not to talk.
But the desire to just keep quiet was there.
I sometimes say the wrong things. Not really a charmer, me.
During experiment, I was holding the copper electrolytes in such a way that they touched. Cikgu Goh actually put his claws on my head in exasperation. Cannot Like That!!!
ON MY FREAKING HEAD.
I was probably so shocked that I barely reacted. After that there was only like, a smothered, weird feeling- Did Cikgu Goh really do that? I think he did. His claws on my head. Whoa.
I think my subdued impression made Cikgu Goh think I'm an ungrateful, miserable girl who doesn't have the 'Power of MIND'. "Why you always look so angry?"
...I just like to keep really quiet & look like that when I feel threatened. And I feel threatened a lot when Cikgu Goh is around. I really like that teacher lah. Just he has the ability to make me feel scared. Which is not a bad thing. I think.
When I make mistakes, & people who are not close to me, or people I don't trust, comment on them or scold me for them, I tend to become very chilly & quiet.
Hm. I wonder if I am able to do otherwise.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, alright.
Thinking, Exams coming up. Exams coming up.
Except that I tried not to speak the whole day, writing stuff on a piece of paper instead. But inthe end, I cracked. It's difficult not to talk.
But the desire to just keep quiet was there.
I sometimes say the wrong things. Not really a charmer, me.
During experiment, I was holding the copper electrolytes in such a way that they touched. Cikgu Goh actually put his claws on my head in exasperation. Cannot Like That!!!
ON MY FREAKING HEAD.
I was probably so shocked that I barely reacted. After that there was only like, a smothered, weird feeling- Did Cikgu Goh really do that? I think he did. His claws on my head. Whoa.
I think my subdued impression made Cikgu Goh think I'm an ungrateful, miserable girl who doesn't have the 'Power of MIND'. "Why you always look so angry?"
...I just like to keep really quiet & look like that when I feel threatened. And I feel threatened a lot when Cikgu Goh is around. I really like that teacher lah. Just he has the ability to make me feel scared. Which is not a bad thing. I think.
When I make mistakes, & people who are not close to me, or people I don't trust, comment on them or scold me for them, I tend to become very chilly & quiet.
Hm. I wonder if I am able to do otherwise.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, alright.
Thinking, Exams coming up. Exams coming up.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Wednesday: Community Service
Wilson was the person in charge. Above him was the Induct Committee Members, president: Me. Above us, Puan Teo.
SO I suppose I shouldn't feel too guilty about not helping out much. I gave the initial push, but after that they pretty much did everything on their own. A lot of going around getting approvals, looking for teachers, getting materials, drafts done-
To end up with an hour's activity that was less than perfect. So much less than perfect.
We wasted twenty minutes trying to get everyone together. I was almost hyperventilating, screaming my lungs out announcing the names of members in which group & what leader. Then mistakes- Not knowing which room what team should be in. My team got sent to the other block, before Wilson went to get the back to rectify his mistake.
Twenty minutes- Not enough to paint a banner, to finish posters, to finish a bulletin board. Every team was in charge of one of the above mentioned, & mine was the bulletin board. But nearing the end, we just left it there & packed up.
I feel like a failure, as president. Although yes, the members are not motivated, they themselves aren't taking initiatives, and heck, some of them don't even understand English- But I am still president. At least of the Sixth Formers. Benjamin's the Menengah President, & we don't expect too much from him. It's alright, he knows that.
But I expected much from myself, and I don't seem to be functioning at a level good enough.
It's alright. One step at a time. Things will get better.
Cikgu Goh, our Chemistry teacher, talked about this 'Power of Mind'. How it's all in your head- Your emotions, your thoughts. You can control what you do. Think positive thoughts & the 'good forces of the universe' will help you. Think negative thoughts & bad things will be attracted to you.
While I don't believe him, I can see the logic in thinking positive. Not because the forces of the universe will come to your magical aid, but because positive thinking will help you relax, make you try again. Action will be taken.
Then again, positivity differs for everyone. For one person, it might be that it's alright to score a B instead of an A. For another, it might be that it's alright to hurt his classmate, it builds character & the poor fellow will bounce back anyway.
In the end, going around in circles, I just pray that God will show me what to think, & the right things to do.
We talk a lot of crap during Biology & Chemistry. Things to do with marriages, abortion, rape. Here are a few rough sketches of opinions I heard during our little discussions:
Ellyn: "My friend said she'd just go along (during a rape) & bite off his thing at the last minute."
TMX: "I love animals! I'd rather keep loads of small animals than a houseful of children."
Judith: "I don't like keeping so many animals. Dirty! (To TMX) You like keeping pets? Then I have to cross you off my list!"
"I wouldn't marry my fiancee if I found out, the night before our wedding, that she has HIV! Even if it was from an injection or cut? ...Still no."
Keele: "I would still marry her. It's fine. If she got raped? I'll still marry her. If she's pregnant? I'll just ask her to get an abortion."
Me: "I don't know what exactly I'll be going through if I get raped. But if I were the person I am right now, I wouldn't get an abortion if I get pregnant from the rape."
"I just don't like older women. She has to be the same age as I am, or five years younger at most. No, make it three years."
"Men are like cheese- The older they get, the better they are. Women? Milk. Spoils more & more as time goes by."
"Why use cheese??? Use wine bha!"
"Milk turns into yogurt :D"
"I'd rather raise kids than pets. You can teach children, bring them up right!"
"But you hate humans!"
"Adult humans. That's why I want to bring the children up right!"
"I'd rather the rapist kill me after the rape. But I wouldn't suicide.
"I'd just let the rapist rape me instead of being too violent & getting killed."
"Front Protruding, Back Perky."
"How about Liu Yi? Do you think she's pretty?"
"She's fine- A bit on the skinny side, though. Airplane lane."
"She must not be older than me- Younger by a few years, at most. Not too much, or else I'll feel like I'm babysitting. And she cannot be the smart, studious type."
"Why?"
"Girls are better a little dumb."
On and on we went. Crude, hilarious, conflicting- But the different perspectives I gain are sort of valuable. For example, I never knew that someone like TMX would... Like small animals. & want a girlfriend who likes them too. It doesn't seem to fit in with the personality that he portrays, at least to me.
Goes to show you that you never know someone the way you think you know them.
I should never ever expect to be able to know someone well, inside and out. The only person I want to be that close with, to expect total openness from & to open up myself totally to, is Nigel.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, better.
Thinking, examinations coming up, girl. Can you show them a stronger girl?
SO I suppose I shouldn't feel too guilty about not helping out much. I gave the initial push, but after that they pretty much did everything on their own. A lot of going around getting approvals, looking for teachers, getting materials, drafts done-
To end up with an hour's activity that was less than perfect. So much less than perfect.
We wasted twenty minutes trying to get everyone together. I was almost hyperventilating, screaming my lungs out announcing the names of members in which group & what leader. Then mistakes- Not knowing which room what team should be in. My team got sent to the other block, before Wilson went to get the back to rectify his mistake.
Twenty minutes- Not enough to paint a banner, to finish posters, to finish a bulletin board. Every team was in charge of one of the above mentioned, & mine was the bulletin board. But nearing the end, we just left it there & packed up.
I feel like a failure, as president. Although yes, the members are not motivated, they themselves aren't taking initiatives, and heck, some of them don't even understand English- But I am still president. At least of the Sixth Formers. Benjamin's the Menengah President, & we don't expect too much from him. It's alright, he knows that.
But I expected much from myself, and I don't seem to be functioning at a level good enough.
It's alright. One step at a time. Things will get better.
Cikgu Goh, our Chemistry teacher, talked about this 'Power of Mind'. How it's all in your head- Your emotions, your thoughts. You can control what you do. Think positive thoughts & the 'good forces of the universe' will help you. Think negative thoughts & bad things will be attracted to you.
While I don't believe him, I can see the logic in thinking positive. Not because the forces of the universe will come to your magical aid, but because positive thinking will help you relax, make you try again. Action will be taken.
Then again, positivity differs for everyone. For one person, it might be that it's alright to score a B instead of an A. For another, it might be that it's alright to hurt his classmate, it builds character & the poor fellow will bounce back anyway.
In the end, going around in circles, I just pray that God will show me what to think, & the right things to do.
We talk a lot of crap during Biology & Chemistry. Things to do with marriages, abortion, rape. Here are a few rough sketches of opinions I heard during our little discussions:
Ellyn: "My friend said she'd just go along (during a rape) & bite off his thing at the last minute."
TMX: "I love animals! I'd rather keep loads of small animals than a houseful of children."
Judith: "I don't like keeping so many animals. Dirty! (To TMX) You like keeping pets? Then I have to cross you off my list!"
"I wouldn't marry my fiancee if I found out, the night before our wedding, that she has HIV! Even if it was from an injection or cut? ...Still no."
Keele: "I would still marry her. It's fine. If she got raped? I'll still marry her. If she's pregnant? I'll just ask her to get an abortion."
Me: "I don't know what exactly I'll be going through if I get raped. But if I were the person I am right now, I wouldn't get an abortion if I get pregnant from the rape."
"I just don't like older women. She has to be the same age as I am, or five years younger at most. No, make it three years."
"Men are like cheese- The older they get, the better they are. Women? Milk. Spoils more & more as time goes by."
"Why use cheese??? Use wine bha!"
"Milk turns into yogurt :D"
"I'd rather raise kids than pets. You can teach children, bring them up right!"
"But you hate humans!"
"Adult humans. That's why I want to bring the children up right!"
"I'd rather the rapist kill me after the rape. But I wouldn't suicide.
"I'd just let the rapist rape me instead of being too violent & getting killed."
"Front Protruding, Back Perky."
"How about Liu Yi? Do you think she's pretty?"
"She's fine- A bit on the skinny side, though. Airplane lane."
"She must not be older than me- Younger by a few years, at most. Not too much, or else I'll feel like I'm babysitting. And she cannot be the smart, studious type."
"Why?"
"Girls are better a little dumb."
On and on we went. Crude, hilarious, conflicting- But the different perspectives I gain are sort of valuable. For example, I never knew that someone like TMX would... Like small animals. & want a girlfriend who likes them too. It doesn't seem to fit in with the personality that he portrays, at least to me.
Goes to show you that you never know someone the way you think you know them.
I should never ever expect to be able to know someone well, inside and out. The only person I want to be that close with, to expect total openness from & to open up myself totally to, is Nigel.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, better.
Thinking, examinations coming up, girl. Can you show them a stronger girl?
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Tuesday: Rio
Went to watch Rio just now, with the siblings. Overall, it was quite nice, though I'd rather not watch it in 3D. Rather expensive.
I saw the trailer for Transformers. Scary but impressive. I wonder if I'll be able to watch it.
Rio was funny. There were a few sexual connotations as well, haha.
Well, not really 'haha'. It just sounded like a natural thing to put after a statement like that. I don't really feel good now. But at least I started my cramming session today.
Maybe I should start with Chemistry, instead of Biology. Or just Biology, Chapter Eleven, the one teacher will be testing us on soon for a small test, and THEN Chemistry (Organic) because Chem teacher quizzes us in class. I act like I don't give a damn whether or not I can answer, and honestly I think I don't really care, but it'd be nice to shock his eyeballs out when the slow one aka me can throw out equations like nobody's business.
Be happy, Carmelia. Even when you feel as though half your classmates seem to carry burdens. Each of us have our own problems. Those who seem carefree enough, aren't close enough to me for me to be sure. This one might feel bad about the friendly bullying she receives. That one might have relationship problems. Another one has too much to do.
But I don't know. I want to find out, to spend time, to talk. Maybe I can't help all of them, but how about just one? It'll take a lot of time & effort to be sincere. Maybe that's why I don't dare to ask, because I want to be able to follow-up. And even when I ask, they wouldn't tell me, because... I'm just asking. Maybe I don't seem sincere enough.
I don't dare to because I have problems of my own. This stupid weight-loss thing, & studies & self-esteem that inflates & deflates too fast, too much.
But who knows? Maybe helping someone else out might help me forget, or even solve, my issues.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, stoic.
Thinking, I dislike the number one. But it keeps us sane, perhaps.
I saw the trailer for Transformers. Scary but impressive. I wonder if I'll be able to watch it.
Rio was funny. There were a few sexual connotations as well, haha.
Well, not really 'haha'. It just sounded like a natural thing to put after a statement like that. I don't really feel good now. But at least I started my cramming session today.
Maybe I should start with Chemistry, instead of Biology. Or just Biology, Chapter Eleven, the one teacher will be testing us on soon for a small test, and THEN Chemistry (Organic) because Chem teacher quizzes us in class. I act like I don't give a damn whether or not I can answer, and honestly I think I don't really care, but it'd be nice to shock his eyeballs out when the slow one aka me can throw out equations like nobody's business.
Be happy, Carmelia. Even when you feel as though half your classmates seem to carry burdens. Each of us have our own problems. Those who seem carefree enough, aren't close enough to me for me to be sure. This one might feel bad about the friendly bullying she receives. That one might have relationship problems. Another one has too much to do.
But I don't know. I want to find out, to spend time, to talk. Maybe I can't help all of them, but how about just one? It'll take a lot of time & effort to be sincere. Maybe that's why I don't dare to ask, because I want to be able to follow-up. And even when I ask, they wouldn't tell me, because... I'm just asking. Maybe I don't seem sincere enough.
I don't dare to because I have problems of my own. This stupid weight-loss thing, & studies & self-esteem that inflates & deflates too fast, too much.
But who knows? Maybe helping someone else out might help me forget, or even solve, my issues.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, stoic.
Thinking, I dislike the number one. But it keeps us sane, perhaps.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Monday: Labour's Day
Even though it was Labour's Day, two Filipinos spent the day working in our backyard, painting walls. I commented on this to my parents. Pa said Labour's Day was yesterday. I said the holiday was today. Then he said, Phillipines. Doesn't concern them. They wouldn't mind anyway.
I suppose they'd want the pay. Three hundred buck, if I'm not wrong. But still.
It's a bit sad that they can't take the day off & rest with the family or friends. A Filipino just recently shot a van driver because he wouldn't drive the Filipino away after the Filipino robbed a jewelry shop. I felt very angry about it. But on the other hand, people wouldn't have to resort to crime given a good life, given that their needs & cares are taken care of. It doesn't excuse the crime. But it makes it easier to understand why it happened.
So Nigel went to Ipoh for Revo. Long drives, texting me every ten or twenty kilometres or so. Also, Switchfoot concert last night. Good for him :) I'm glad events like these happen in his part of the world, & he gets to join in. It helps to know that he's having fun & is surrounded by awesome friends.
On my side of the world...
Pa's operation went well, but then because the pharmacist had a slip of tongue, pa consumed four pills in a go that night after the operation, instead of only one. Overdose. Panic- Mum called Praveen (Doctor who goes to our church), asked about it, & the next morning, brought pa to the clinic for the follow-up. She was supposed to be leading, & me playing the piano, so Sister Suk ended up leading & playing the piano as well. Since we didn't practice, it'd be better if she played the piano herself, considering that her tempo sometimes comes out a bit odd.
We had our Mother's Day choir practice after church, singing 'You Raise Me Up'. Surprise, surprise- I sang the soprano/melody part. My voice was high enough, I suppose.
Tasha & Sonya sometimes seem to almost end up arguing. There's tension in the air. Misunderstandings- As well as Sonya's tendency to take charge, & Tasha's unwillingness to just sit back & let Sonya do so, especially when she thinks she doesn't have the right to.
But it's great that the moment always passes, & though things might be a tad uncomfortable, they're still always very amiable & friendly towards each other, like nothing happens. Sisters in Christs forgive & forget- They should & are setting a good example.
I was invited to Nicholas Tay (aka Horsey)'s birthday party that night. 21 years old. So his aunt made him this fantastic, huge, three-layered, alcoholic cake in the shape of a key. Name was spelled NICKHOLAS though. I wonder if it was on purpose.
I loved his house. His family runs the shop D'Light, selling all sorts of lights. Classic lighting, modern lighting, small lighting, huge lighting, grand lighting, simple lighting... I'm always super scared to enter his shop. The amount of fragile glass stuff they have in there... Not to mention the expensive ones.
I suppose they have an arguably good taste in interior design, being in this lighting line of business. Or maybe I just really like wooden cabinets, soft lighting, roses, roses, roses, shelves stacked neatly with books, pretty ornaments. Though not everything went with this classy, rose theme, there was a very comfortable but... pretty, feel to the family room. I asked if his mum was the one who took charge of the home interior design. Yup. His dad was fine with the roses. How cool.
Typing out the above text took quite some effort. Usually, the only thing I'd have to overcome is my panic, since I wouldn't have enough time to think & recall properly before composing sentences. Everything would come out rushed, which I don't like. Which makes me unwilling to type at all, & thus, lazy to make the effort to recall quickly.
I guess I am also in a kind of panic. I don't have a time-limit set, but I know anytime now, mum's going to nag at me. Nevertheless, more than that, I'm feel distant from anything normal. Going for church, choir practices, birthday parties, interior design... How normal.
& normal isn't a bad thing. Far from it, as I've come to realize, again & again. My inclination has always been to go against the flow. & I wonder if it's destroying me, somehow.
I won't say too much here. I won't think too much either. I'll just finish this post off & listen to music while surfing. Or probably, go offline & head to bed, because I'm feeling guilty about how unproductive I've been.
I feel guilty about what I do, or don't do. Because there isn't any legitimate excuse for it. I want to make myself do better. I have to. But I end up failing. So perhaps, my will isn't strong enough. Perhaps, I am one of those who lack determination, whose wills are weak. I am no Terry Fox, no Helen Keller. I am not strong enough to turn myself around.
At least, I have recognized this, so maybe I will be able to figure out what to do about it.
I made a brief visit to Qay's girlfriend's Tumblr page. Happy, bright, serious. A strong statement in her 'About Me' making it clear that her Tumblr page was for things that was cheerful, light & nice. Nothing depressing or philosophical. Something like that.
I want to be like that. Being Qay's girlfriend only made her seem all the more wonderful, because I know the kind of guy Qay is. He isn't the lovey dovey type. He can be rather philosophical. He's polite & very kind, but can still be an unfair bad-ass. He's one of the more intelligent people in my life. & to be his girlfriend, that girl must be, well, quite cool.
They say not to compare yourself with other people. Everyone has their flaws & strengths, & it'd just get you depressed.
On the other hand, someone once said that to be content with oneself is... to be mediocre.
As with those advices I get on how to lose weight, things people say confuse & seem to contradict one another. I don't want to be rude, but I don't want to listen anymore. I still do, & it still gets to me. But I don't want to listen consciously. I don't want to obey.
I want to do what I think is right for me, because so far, I'm the only one who knows what goes through my head. No one really listens, so no one really knows. I don't blame them for having lives to live, for distances, for ignorance & for time constraints.
This guy Farid just commented that the longish comment I said didn't appear on Denise's status wasn't that long. It made me feel bad, a little.
It's high time I stopped taking things personally. It's stupid, girl.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, melancholic.
Thinking, people would have so many reasons to put you in your place after reading this, miss.
I suppose they'd want the pay. Three hundred buck, if I'm not wrong. But still.
It's a bit sad that they can't take the day off & rest with the family or friends. A Filipino just recently shot a van driver because he wouldn't drive the Filipino away after the Filipino robbed a jewelry shop. I felt very angry about it. But on the other hand, people wouldn't have to resort to crime given a good life, given that their needs & cares are taken care of. It doesn't excuse the crime. But it makes it easier to understand why it happened.
So Nigel went to Ipoh for Revo. Long drives, texting me every ten or twenty kilometres or so. Also, Switchfoot concert last night. Good for him :) I'm glad events like these happen in his part of the world, & he gets to join in. It helps to know that he's having fun & is surrounded by awesome friends.
On my side of the world...
Pa's operation went well, but then because the pharmacist had a slip of tongue, pa consumed four pills in a go that night after the operation, instead of only one. Overdose. Panic- Mum called Praveen (Doctor who goes to our church), asked about it, & the next morning, brought pa to the clinic for the follow-up. She was supposed to be leading, & me playing the piano, so Sister Suk ended up leading & playing the piano as well. Since we didn't practice, it'd be better if she played the piano herself, considering that her tempo sometimes comes out a bit odd.
We had our Mother's Day choir practice after church, singing 'You Raise Me Up'. Surprise, surprise- I sang the soprano/melody part. My voice was high enough, I suppose.
Tasha & Sonya sometimes seem to almost end up arguing. There's tension in the air. Misunderstandings- As well as Sonya's tendency to take charge, & Tasha's unwillingness to just sit back & let Sonya do so, especially when she thinks she doesn't have the right to.
But it's great that the moment always passes, & though things might be a tad uncomfortable, they're still always very amiable & friendly towards each other, like nothing happens. Sisters in Christs forgive & forget- They should & are setting a good example.
I was invited to Nicholas Tay (aka Horsey)'s birthday party that night. 21 years old. So his aunt made him this fantastic, huge, three-layered, alcoholic cake in the shape of a key. Name was spelled NICKHOLAS though. I wonder if it was on purpose.
I loved his house. His family runs the shop D'Light, selling all sorts of lights. Classic lighting, modern lighting, small lighting, huge lighting, grand lighting, simple lighting... I'm always super scared to enter his shop. The amount of fragile glass stuff they have in there... Not to mention the expensive ones.
I suppose they have an arguably good taste in interior design, being in this lighting line of business. Or maybe I just really like wooden cabinets, soft lighting, roses, roses, roses, shelves stacked neatly with books, pretty ornaments. Though not everything went with this classy, rose theme, there was a very comfortable but... pretty, feel to the family room. I asked if his mum was the one who took charge of the home interior design. Yup. His dad was fine with the roses. How cool.
Typing out the above text took quite some effort. Usually, the only thing I'd have to overcome is my panic, since I wouldn't have enough time to think & recall properly before composing sentences. Everything would come out rushed, which I don't like. Which makes me unwilling to type at all, & thus, lazy to make the effort to recall quickly.
I guess I am also in a kind of panic. I don't have a time-limit set, but I know anytime now, mum's going to nag at me. Nevertheless, more than that, I'm feel distant from anything normal. Going for church, choir practices, birthday parties, interior design... How normal.
& normal isn't a bad thing. Far from it, as I've come to realize, again & again. My inclination has always been to go against the flow. & I wonder if it's destroying me, somehow.
I won't say too much here. I won't think too much either. I'll just finish this post off & listen to music while surfing. Or probably, go offline & head to bed, because I'm feeling guilty about how unproductive I've been.
I feel guilty about what I do, or don't do. Because there isn't any legitimate excuse for it. I want to make myself do better. I have to. But I end up failing. So perhaps, my will isn't strong enough. Perhaps, I am one of those who lack determination, whose wills are weak. I am no Terry Fox, no Helen Keller. I am not strong enough to turn myself around.
At least, I have recognized this, so maybe I will be able to figure out what to do about it.
I made a brief visit to Qay's girlfriend's Tumblr page. Happy, bright, serious. A strong statement in her 'About Me' making it clear that her Tumblr page was for things that was cheerful, light & nice. Nothing depressing or philosophical. Something like that.
I want to be like that. Being Qay's girlfriend only made her seem all the more wonderful, because I know the kind of guy Qay is. He isn't the lovey dovey type. He can be rather philosophical. He's polite & very kind, but can still be an unfair bad-ass. He's one of the more intelligent people in my life. & to be his girlfriend, that girl must be, well, quite cool.
They say not to compare yourself with other people. Everyone has their flaws & strengths, & it'd just get you depressed.
On the other hand, someone once said that to be content with oneself is... to be mediocre.
As with those advices I get on how to lose weight, things people say confuse & seem to contradict one another. I don't want to be rude, but I don't want to listen anymore. I still do, & it still gets to me. But I don't want to listen consciously. I don't want to obey.
I want to do what I think is right for me, because so far, I'm the only one who knows what goes through my head. No one really listens, so no one really knows. I don't blame them for having lives to live, for distances, for ignorance & for time constraints.
This guy Farid just commented that the longish comment I said didn't appear on Denise's status wasn't that long. It made me feel bad, a little.
It's high time I stopped taking things personally. It's stupid, girl.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, melancholic.
Thinking, people would have so many reasons to put you in your place after reading this, miss.
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