Monday:

Watched Dead Poets' Society today. Felt a wide range of emotions, and thought a lot. As opposed to most of the others, I suppose. I wonder how many really watched the movie. I wonder if the reality of Carpe Diem not being lived was only mine.

Stuff I learnt:

1. Free Thinking is good. But there are limits to freedom.

2. Teachers of something are not always to be blamed when that something is used out of context in a negative way by their students.

3. Don't commit suicide.

4. Teaching is probably the one thing I will both enjoy doing & still earn a living from, given that I do not lose my inspiration to teach the way I dream I will be able to teach.

I went to the back to wake Yi Quan up & do our PA worksheets together. I think I'll do this more often. We're both quite behind in our studies. I prefer studying with him than the others we're both at roughly the same level. Capable, but no effort.

& Yi Quan listens to me. Lets me enjoy the illusion of being able to boss him around :D But not totally spineless that I would feel uncomfortable.

I'd rather be able to give as well as take in a study group than keep taking.

***


Nigel asked me before, if I was bisexual.

Uhm. Okay. No way.

I have thought before, the possibility of me being bisexual if I wasn't a Christian. Lesbian, no way. But bisexuality?... Possible. But not probable. If I weren't a Christian, I'd still cringe at the thought of a girl-girl sexual/romantic relationship.

I don't hate homosexuals. I love them, for being different, for the struggles they have & are going through. I wonder about how they feel, what caused them to choose this path.

But I hate homosexuality. I'm not at all a good Christian, but I know it's wrong. It's an abomination to the Lord. There are those who would blast me for this. But I stand by this. It's my opinion that the abuse & hatred that homosexuals & transsexuals suffered in the past has caused this rebound. Abuse & hatred is wrong. But the other extreme is wrong as well.

I've sometimes thought about how I'd be like if I were a boy. Probably sporty, probably tall. Cleft chin. Curly-ish hair. I don't think I'd be this much into books, though. Name would rhyme with Jimmy- Maybe Jerry, or Harry. Johnny.

When people ask me whether I think this or that girl is pretty- It really depends on what kind of pretty. For me, there's the I-want-to-look-like-her kind, & the if-I-were-a-boy-I'd-like-her kind. The latter involves personality.



Signed, Carmelia.

Thinking, Carpe Diem.
Feeling, tired but urged to work.

Saturday: Sophia's 14th Birthday

Woke up at 10+. Cooked some Maggi for Mei's lunch. Watched Ghibli. Went out with parents. Came home. Watched Ghibli. Sang happy birthday, Mei cut her birthday cake. Ghibli. Went out for dinner with family. Came home. Ghibli.

Not much happened today. Watched Pom Poko & Porco Rosso (Ghibli movies) mostly. I do feel guilty about wasting a day like this. Try, try again tomorrow to be more productive.

***

Malleable. Perhaps everyone is, but most, not more than I am. Perhaps that is so only because I'm aware of this trait. Or perhaps because I don't see change as a bad thing.

Maybe I'm malleable because I haven't found my identity. Maybe it's the other way around. Or maybe, I'm not as malleable as I think. Maybe I just like the idea that I'm not yet there, not yet permanently one character, stuck in one type of thinking, acting, speaking.

I'd hate to be permanently fixed. Think of all the characters I can be.



Tough mechanic-type. In-your-face. Smudged overalls. Ponytail. Knows her stuff.

Computer genius. Anti-social. Huge glasses. Headphones. Knows her stuff.

Inspirational teacher. Busy, selfless. Pretty clothes. Files & basket. Loves my students.

Eccentric artist. Idiosyncratic. Newsboy cap. Oddly chopped up hair. Perfectionist.

Musician. Social butterfly. Modern, tight, slightly revealing. Inconsistent hairstyles. Rocks.

Baker. Generous, loved. Motherly. Dressed simple. Hair in a bun. Works very hard, very well.

Professional psychiatrist. Calm, knowledgeable. Smart specs. Sophisticated. Knows her stuff.

Journalist. Inquisitive, stubborn. Pen behind the ear. Shoulder-length hair. Never gives up.

Writer.


I'm not stereotyping professions. These are directions I might take don't mind taking. Which one, is the question.

There are others, of course. Perhaps mix-&-match. New options keep rising. Some options become forgotten.

I've thought of changing who I am every now and then. But there will always be someone who is the constant self amongst all those characters. She's the one I want to focus on. Not the shells.

Whatever I become, though, there are a few things I want.

To be true to God.

To be true to Nigel.

To always choose love over hate.

To always choose forgiveness over revenge.

Whether I end up living far from society, or right in the middle of a bustling city;

whether I end up working long hours everyday, or going about in a relaxing pace;

whether I end up as a tough & outspoken, or a quietly strong young lady;

whether I end up busy & happy with five kids, or busy & happy with none;

whether I end up working at a desk, or out in the field;

whether I work with facts & paperwork, or colors & my imagination-

whether whatever.




Signed, Carmelia.

Thinking, I should go to bed.
Feeling, pensive.

Wednesday:

I was coping so well. I was planning for today to end with me going to bed happy & immediately falling asleep.

Instead, you had to ruin it.

I wish I could tell.

But I don't because I'm scared that their responses might let me down.

And if their responses let me down, I can't blame them.

So I just shut up.



Nigel called me today. I hung up & felt anxious minutes later, about being obstinate & not repeating what I said.

But why should I worry all the time about whether or not he's mad at me or accepts me or will continue loving me? It's not right. I didn't cheat on him or do anything worth getting mad at.

One Two Three. One Two Three. One Two Three.

I'm going to dance until my legs hurt, and then go to bed. I do NOT WANT TO STAY IN BED AWAKE THINKING & FEELING LIKE DEMONS ARE ATTACKING ME AGAIN.

Signed, Carmelia.

Thinking, -
Feeling, -

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