"Nigel Chee Loves Carmelia Yong"



I'd shared before how Melissa stood up for me, in school, after we'd just made up after an argument. Some guy accidentally banged a door into me & my bezzie immediately yelled at him to be more careful.

Mum stood up for me before too. There was this episode with a teacher who thought I was out to get her or something. I felt so bad about it when I knew, because I liked the teacher. It was the subject (Additional Mathematics) that I had a problem with. Naturally she thought I disliked HER. I cried at home. Mum was like, supporting me, telling me not to think so much.

I rarely get that kind of open, visible support from mum.

Occasionally, there are people who stand up for me when others comment on me negatively or accuse me of something I'm apprehensive I'd done. Vaguely, I remember, "She's smart de loh!", "She's responsible de!", "Wey, Melia won't de loh."

Judith Chong has said things like this before, I know, though specifically I can't remember when. She's extremely optimistic about people in general. That's one of her best qualities.

It scares me to be stood up for. I am pleased, I feel better, but at the same time fear sparks off. Sometimes, especially when my hero/heroine's particularly protective of me, I wish they weren't.

Because it means they expect much of you. They'd faced up against people, told them how highly they're regarding you. In a way they're giving out an unspoken guarantee that, yes, this person here is capable, is good. You have my word for it.

I don't like letting people down. No one does, of course. But some feel the sting of disappointing others more often, because either they're really not that capable, or they have distorted views of the standards they should achieve. I'm mostly the former.

Inferiority is such a crippling disease of the mind. But I'm not fan of giddy optimism either.

Does disappointment hurt? I... think it does. I don't remember being disappointed in people before. I must have- I'm human. But I can't remember.

"No. Just a little disappointed in you."

The problem with texts is that you don't know in what tone something is expressed. Was that in serious disappointment, or just a casual admittance?

I don't want to hurt the people who have faith in me. I don't want to disappoint them. It is a natural thing to not want.

I was sobbing & staring & fainting. Words were hurled at me. If I was angry I wouldn't have space for hurt, but I wasn't angry. Most of those words rang true.

The worthlessness I felt was stiffening.

& when you feel so worthless, you don't expect anyone to wrap their arms around you. You don't expect them to tell your condemner not to talk that way to you. You don't expect them to be angry for your sake.

Nor do you expect anyone to keep whispering, be strong, be strong, be strong, and not to listen to spite. Or anyone to give you water to drink, & wipe away your tears.

You don't expect anyone to repeat that they love you.




Nigel questions me when I tell him that he really does love me. Granted, it sounds as though I'd doubted it before. & honestly, that's not entirely wrong.

I trust that he loves me. I have my doubts, but my actions are still taken based on that belief. I see it this way: For myself, I act in a way that shows I know he loves me.

But things he does that proves it are to hack off at more and more of those fringe doubts. And more importantly, when someone challenges me about it? I'll be able to give example after solid example.

& I want it to be the same for him as well.