I... Was thinking about stuffs just now.

Filling up the blue water pail thingy with water from the sink tap.

Think.

Dump cold water from blue water pail thingy all over myself.

Think.

Slather liquid soap.

Think.

Brush teeth-

Think- Wait. I didn't think. Brushing teeth requires concentration. Honestly.



And now that I get here, all comfortable & ready to type away-

Blank.

"You do a lot of thinking, and it's what kills you."

A quote from Tumblr which I'd just tumbled onto, seconds ago.

It drives me insane sometimes, thinking. I don't go banging my head into walls or start drinking alcohol, no no. But I do just lie in bed, like I'm numb, feeling from all those thoughts that go through. Sometimes I get into loops, when something eventually leads to itself. This brings about headaches. Other times I feel angry & resentful at myself. This brings about heartaches.

I imagine myself to be exploring rooms & rooms & rooms in my mind. Whoever said it's going to be safe venturing somewhere you have never been before? I come to a lot of temporary conclusions. Most fade fast. Some I keep, only to have them disproved or forgotten. And a few, very few, have help me build up my character.

For example, my belief that love isn't a feeling. You choose to love. Again and again, you choose to stick with someone, to support someone & give your all to someone. You might not feel good, one day, about loving. Or the feeling of disgust or helplessness might reign. Still, you choose.

Thus, I'm stubborn as heaven knows that I'm going to stay in love with Nigel.

Also, my belief that not one human deserves to be hated by another human. You never know what has happened. You are not perfect yourself. Homosexuals, rapists, terrorists, pedophiles, murderers, psychopaths- It's easy for me to say, I know. But at least believing it, is a start.

Thus, I don't dwell on hurts or wounds.

Perhaps I don't dwell because I forget things easily. It's not that I'm so good- I just forget subconsciously, & I'm too weak to be bothered with the grudges & revenges, cold wars & spite. But I think, my belief fuels that, in some little way.




Mum just said she'd changed her mind. I was like, what?

"About Nigel being a chauvinist."

We had dinner at a shop nearby our home just now. I'd mentioned how I thought pa was slightly chauvinistic. I forgot why I said that, but I supported my statement with an example or two. (This issue is a whole other blog post.)

Mum said then, well, Nigel's quite chauvinistic too, then, the way he managed your wardrobe.

No way. I'd wanted Nigel to make my decisions for me, concerning my wardrobe. I was weary of my clothes. He knew that, so he did it for me. Rather well, in fact, even though my mum was around and he'd risked being thought of as mean or domineering.

Nigel's someone like Sister Suk. A domineering type, someone who just takes charge. I told her about how Kiren said Nigel took charge of one of their drama practices. That's how he is. He isn't chauvinistic- It doesn't matter whether or not you're a girl or a guy, he's that straight forward & strong.

So I told her. I'd have continued talking about my theory that I like him probably partly because his personality contrasts with mine, but I didn't want to push it. Also, I was already worrying about whether or not I did pa justice by describing him as slightly chauvinistic. He's a very awesome dad, and I don't dislike him any bit more for being slightly chauvinistic- if he really is, anyway. I don't know my pa well so frankly, now that I think about it, I shouldn't have concluded that.

So now she's saying, she'd changed her mind. She doesn't know him that well at all, so she wouldn't know.

We'll never know someone that well at all, honestly. So we'll never know.

People will never know me that well at all, so they'll never know. So I should not blame them for misunderstanding & hating on me.

Wow. Look at me preach.