Oasis

Something opposite of a tiring stretch of something else.

A drink of water in the midst of thirst.

A smile cracked in the midst of gloom.

A ray of sunshine on a rainy day.

A text message in the middle of the night.

A weekend night out after examinations.

A gathering of youths to strengthen fellowship in Christ.


I find oases all the time, in my life. A sudden relief of a situation that I'd been stuck in for quite some time. I thank God for them, for they are like stepping stones; they keep me going forward. There are times when I am stuck, and perhaps sometimes, I slip. But so far, so good, I'm still moving on.

I find myself needing to take breaks from things I thought I'd never be tired of. Last time, it was an obsession with RPGs. Then, the need to always be tasting something spicy and sour. Facebook's another thing I thought I'd always be addicted to, but every time I set my abstinence, I don't find it difficult at all not to go online. There are other more important examples that I have, but I don't wish to share them here.

It's something people sometimes call a 'breather'. We all tend to desire for breathers from all sorts of things. I do. But there is specifically one thing I don't want ever to want to take a break from.

Dynamics. Always changing. Humans are. People are. I know how much some of us hate it when friends change. It hurts even worse when they were the most precious people in your life, once upon a time. It's like losing a treasure. Or maybe, it's like treasure being damaged so much, it no longer holds any value.

I thank God that He never changes. He loves us, He's always there, His Word never fades. I will never need an oasis in the middle of God, and God help me not to ever want one. Because God Himself is my oasis from all things.

God, is Love.

Signed, Carmelia.


Feeling, neutral.
Thinking, I want to be as consistent as I can be.

This Isn't The Best Day Ever

"Putting on your best act isn't so difficult when you know you'll get recognition for it. It's when you know your best will be so superb, no one will ever know, that makes it so difficult."

Signed, Carmelia.


Feeling, disastrous.
Thinking, burning down.

Not As Happy

It's 6.06PM.

I heard a story about a pastor who would always start church service by thanking God for all things. He never ran out of things to thank God for. He was always optimistic, sometimes unbearably so.
So one day, a terrible, terrible storm, heavy rain raged on. Inside the church building, the congregation waited to see what the pastor would say about the weather. Surely, nothing good. The pastor finally spoke.
"Thank you, oh Lord, that weathers such as this do not happen often."




This day, this week didn't start out swell. I woke up with nasty lumps in my throat, thanks to the vomit episode yesterday. Got downstairs to be greeted by a moody mother. Sophia was sick, so she did not attend school.

I was rushing to get to school as early as possible, so that I could go look for my wallet. My IC, driver's license, and RM40+ were in there. I'd realized it was missing last Friday and knew I lost it the same day because I'd always checked to see if I had my wallet with me whenever I drove. I wasn't feeling my best on Friday, which might explain how on earth I forgot about my wallet.

Jerry never really cooperates whenever I want to get to school early. He didn't this morning. I got down, lugged the monster backpack with me to the Chemistry laboratory and started the search.

But, to no avail.

Classes were alright. Come recess, and mum handed me my wallet. Everything, minus my receipts and the cash, was intact. A teacher found it on my desk. I thank God for whoever it is that had the sense to return the wallet and everything inside, even if they did take part of the class fund, which I now have to pay back with the RM100 I earned cleaning up my room.

Everything went alright. I even had fun during Pengajian Am, which was a first. Cikgu Azmi tended to call on me to speak. The attention, I really enjoyed, especially when I actually did have ideas and opinions to share.

Before school was over, I found myself with two new posts. Secretary of the committee for the annual Prefects Farewell Ceremony, and AJK for the backdrop of the Chinese Language Society's upcoming Mooncake Festival.

After spending colloquium planning out Wednesday's English Language Society game, mum drove me home. I'd planned to drive downtown to get some things for my class. Goes to show I should never put too much hope in what I plan to do. Mum didn't say no, but she did not say yes either. She didn't tell me straight why I couldn't, or what I could do so that I can. Basically, she didn't help me solve my problem.

So I asked to send Jerry to Central for his drum lessons, because I really missed driving and I needed to unwind. But no.

And only later, after I'd unconsciously accused my mum of not wanting to let me drive, did she inform me that she wanted to send Jerry because she had some other errands to run. Why couldn't she have told me that earlier? But forget it. I just kept my mouth shut.

In the end, she got fed up and abandoned everything. So I had to drive, just as I was starting on my Mathematics. Fine. I didn't make a big fuss out of it, because honestly, I was glad I could drive. But I was not happy.

I wandered around Central, waiting for Jerry to finish his lesson. And when it was time to go, the Avanza wouldn't start. What a sight I was, a girl running around the car, looking under the hood and fiddling with the engine, a cellphone attached to her ear.

Long story short, I got home and went straight to the computer.

Reading what I'd typed out so far, I can't see why today was so bad. Everything was fine. I got my wallet back. Squabbles with mum were normal. So what if the car broke down? People were friendly to me today. None of the teachers scolded me for anything. I didn't break anything.

Now mum is telling me to drop the two posts I got today. I don't even want to respond. If she wants me to drop them, I'll drop them. The burdens of duties and tasks I can handle; emotional burdens simply crush me.

God's will.

Someone went out of their way to pick me up for bible study yesterday night, and I'm glad. The topic shared impacted me a lot. Not an explosive impact that'd die down sooner or later, but rather something that I want to allow to sink into me.

There are three 'wills' of God, basically. God's Providential Will, God's Moral Will, and God's Personal Will.

God's Providential Will concerns things that are going to happen. These are things that are already given in the bible. Fullstop. For example, there's no questioning that Jesus is going to come back. There's no questioning that there is heaven and hell.

God's Moral Will includes things such as the ten commandments. For example, do not commit murder. You don't have to pray and ask God if it's His will that you murder someone tonight to get cash to save this dying pastor. It's already clear, in the bible.

Finally, but not least, God's Personal Will. The one I want to know about the most. Search and look all you want, you won't find specifics in the bible for your individual life. Things such as, where I'm going to live, what subjects I should be taking, who I should get married to, etc.

Jinho got us thinking. Not that I haven't already over thought about this, but again, I thought. What can we do to find out what God's personal will for us is? Why do we want to know anyway?

"Because we know God's plan is the best plan."

I don't want to, as Jinho put it, sit down one day when I'm 45 years old, and wonder where my life went to.

"Study hard, play hard, then study study study study study, cram, EXAM. Next up, college, play hard, active, study, study, study, study, study, cram, EXAM! Next up... And then get a job. After getting a job, work hard at getting promotions. Then get a new car, nice house. And then plan marriage, get married, and then next, focus on the children.............."

It's all fine, going to church and getting involved in church activities. But.

Right before Jinho started sharing, he borrowed Joshua's iPod and proposed to put it under one of the table's legs to stabilize it. Joshua was, of course, more than unwilling.

Jinho showed us how a life that is lived without its purpose being fulfilled is like an iPod being used to stabilize a table.

Something so precious, able to do so much more,
wasted on something so comparatively trivial.

Will putting the iPod under the table's leg be useful? To a certain degree, yes, the table will not be wobbly anymore. But at what cost?

Back to the question. What can we do to find out? The obvious answers: Pray. Read the bible. Pray. Pray somemore.

But that doesn't seem to be working. It's not clear enough. We don't hear the audible voice of God on a daily basis. Sometimes never.

So, Jinho led us to something that I'd been figuring out for a long time:

If you want to know what God's Personal Will for you is, then you'll have to make it a point to know as much as you can about God's Providential and Moral Will.

Why?

Because if you are truly sincere in doing God's will, you'll want to know and do all three. Not just God's Personal Will for you, but also God's Providential and Moral Will. If you don't care about the first two, then it's very unlikely you'll find out about the third.

Jeremiah 6:10

"To whom can I speak and give warning?
Who will listen to me?
Their ears are closed, so that they cannot hear.
The word of the Lord is offensive to them;
they find no pleasure in it."

That was when we mentioned Lady Gaga. Jinho didn't bash her up verbally, in fact, he was quite loose about it. But he did make a few points. When people start to fill up their minds with oh-la-la instead of the word of God, guess what's going to distract them from listening when God speaks to them?

So, to find out about God's Providential Will and Moral Will, we read the bible. Consistently. With an open heart. We pray about it. We apply what we learn. We ask the elders in church. Go for bible study. The better we know God's Providential and Moral Will, the more sensitive we will be towards God's voice in our lives concerning the specific decisions we make.

Amen.



"Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul." 1 Peter 2:11

"If you were of the world, the world would love his own; but because you are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hates you." John 15:19



Signed, Carmelia.


Feeling, tired.
Thinking, it's okay to be lame, it's okay to be too much, it's okay that they talk.

Plan your work, work your plan. Good try.

This is my 'get-it-done' list, from //LIVE*


Planning to:

1. Get my very own camera. Check.

2. Get my very own laptop. Check.

3. Pass Piano Practical Grade 7. We'll see, won't we?

4. Finish writing a novel. Forget about this until after STPM.

5. Get my novel published. Ditto.

6. Watch the complete set of Ouran Host Club. Check.

7. Cook curry.

8. Bake cookies on my own.

9. Visit Cheshire Home.

10. Lose ten kilograms. This is so difficult. I can go days without food, but people around me will get all uptight and over worry. Eat a little this, eat a little that. I eat a little, it triggers serious hunger pangs. We'll see.

11. Go on vacation with friends. I wish.

12. Stay and have fun in a posh hotel with friends. Check.

13. Take picture with a mime artist.

14. Post first ever v-log.

15. Make a cloth doll.

16. Play an electric guitar. Working on it. It's taking me a long time to be able to play the acoustic smoothly, but I'm progressing.

17. Bring Bunny for a dry-clean session. How can pink turn into gray? Sigh.

18. Straighten front teeth. Now that I think about it, my teeth's straight. Sorta. Just not properly in front.

19. Get paid for a published article or story.

20. Write my very own blog layout html code.

21. Compose and write a song. I did this before. Posted the lyrics on one of my blogs. I'd forgotten about it and it isn't a song I can claim I finished writing.

22. Visit Korea. Just so.

23. Visit Ireland.

24. Design & paint/wallpaper a room.

25. Get 99 roses.

26. Obtain two rabbits.

27. Sing & dedicate the song 'Smile' by Uncle Kracker to a loved one.


The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.

I find myself giving much attention to the word 'often'. I agree that the best laid of plans can still go astray, but often? Do they? Even if someone does a huge research and survey on this, we'll never know.

Something someone wrote in their blog sometimes get stuck in my head. Something about how people simply throws everything into God's hand and do nothing. That's one extreme. The other's trying to plan everything so that life goes entirely your way.

Is it possible to totally surrender oneself to God, and still be able to plan and make the best effort to work that plan?

I'd planned several things that totally didn't happen. And I was able to let them go very easily. Too easily, maybe. My inclination towards that first extreme threatens to burden me with guilt sometimes. "I don't do enough. Where's the effort?"

The most obvious thing to do, when I can't find that balance, is to do what the Lord so obviously commands me to do. Why bother so much about plans that seem so complicated and neutral when I can't even properly obey the most straight-forward of commandments in the Bible?

I have to go now. Mum's going berserk again. So much for me planning to finish a proper blog post today. =)


Signed, Carmelia.


Feeling, alright.
Thinking, que sera sera, but take your steps forward anyway.