Well, pa have not had his operation yet. And it's only noon now so I'm not sure what today's going to be like.
BUT I'd missed blogging about Thursday & Friday. TWO DAYS! XS
Nigel's in Perak now :D Having brunch with Darian & another friend. I look forward when I ME CARMELIA get to travel with Nigel <3 So jealous of his friends/classmates/church friends.
I wonder where I was conceived.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, steady.
Thinking, I need to study I need to study.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wednesday: First Starnie Meeting
Or rather, just a discussion/gathering information time.
I don't have much time on the net. I'd waited until mei was finished with the computer, but now mum is up & sitting at the staircase. Waiting for us, obviously to go to bed, before she'll go herself.
I love mum very mum, & I love how much she loves us. But still, I can't wait till I get out from her her roof.
Watched this old, Malay orchestra recording on TV1 just now. It soothes me. I think my grandparents always played it on the radio, at nights when we go to bed, in Sipitang. That was a long time ago, when gong gong was still alive.
Everything's fine with Ashrul :) Screamed & poked about as usual. I'm glad; I hate friendships that go flop because of misunderstandings. Sad.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, annoyed.
Thinking, mum, can you please just- just leave me alone.
I don't have much time on the net. I'd waited until mei was finished with the computer, but now mum is up & sitting at the staircase. Waiting for us, obviously to go to bed, before she'll go herself.
I love mum very mum, & I love how much she loves us. But still, I can't wait till I get out from her her roof.
Watched this old, Malay orchestra recording on TV1 just now. It soothes me. I think my grandparents always played it on the radio, at nights when we go to bed, in Sipitang. That was a long time ago, when gong gong was still alive.
Everything's fine with Ashrul :) Screamed & poked about as usual. I'm glad; I hate friendships that go flop because of misunderstandings. Sad.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, annoyed.
Thinking, mum, can you please just- just leave me alone.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Tuesday: Surprises Surprises.
I didn't get a surprise birthday party today. Which makes sense, since my birthday isn't until October. Laugh, people. Laugh.
Anyway, today was filled with little big surprises. Little as in, they aren't really that important (I think) & are not life-changing i.e. my parents suddenly tell me that we need to move to Melbourne. Big as in, they impacted me somewhat & has probably changed a little of my character/personality in the long run.
Surprise #1:
Cent (A temporary nick; I don't want to use his real name, in case he doesn't want this to be public knowledge) has a girlfriend.
We were discussing our Starnie Mag project on Fat Phobia during MUET class (No teacher! Since MUET examinations over). So we started asking around, the few students left in class who were either doing their homework, or joining us in our chat/discussion, questions on fat phobia. The other students, including Jason, were having their ICAS Science test. Thank God- The amount of drama that went on during our discussion would've been picked up by Jason & multiplied into a series of announcements & twisted covers.
I asked Cent, then. "How would you feel if you have a girlfriend who's kind of plump-"
I didn't even finish before he went all, "Ah, already have eh."
I don't know what happened to me. I started asking for clues about who she was, but it was clear that he (And Judith, who knew, apparently) didn't want to divulge anything, other than the fact that she's an ex-classmate, & it has been years. I'm fine that they don't want to tell, I really am. But I'd become quieter & quieter, until I just laid my head on the desk, trying to think.
Of course, when I start thinking without anything specific to think about, every other thing that has been bothering me would join in the fun. This diet, my fatness, examinations, Ashrul, mum, blah.
But mostly I tried to figure out why I felt so... Strange, discovering that Cent has a girlfriend, and I didn't know. It was something like feeling betrayed, except it's definitely not that tragic & Cent did nothing wrong at all. I'd expected to know stuff like that, but he has his reasons, I suppose, for not telling.
It's not as straightforward as me feeling left out that I didn't know about his girlfriend. There's something deeper here. Almost transparent, so I know it'll just dissipate after tonight. But still, it's strange.
Surprise #2
Keith sat opposite of me in the canteen today & asked if I minded that he interrupted me (I was reading) I said no, & shut my book.
He proceeded to talk about the bible.
I'm not going to go through everything we talked about here, because I fear my memory would fail me & I'd misquote him. Also, I don't feel like typing so much about this. I have to limit my time on the computer (Or rather, more of the limited time for Facecake, please)
All in all, Keith talked to me about some article he'd read about the facts & issues stemming from the bible & the translations. After all that, he'd told me that he discussed it with me because he knew I wouldn't mind, unlike the rest who might jump on him for talking about incredulous ideas & stories.
I was a little pleased, of course. And also interested in his interest in religion. Keith would just be this other guy in class, if it's not because of the few times he'd come to me to just- Talk, & tell me about stuff he found interesting. Also, he was more in tune with world news than the rest of the class.
I hope he gets the answers he might be looking for.
Surprise #3
The boys in class are becoming bolder concerning this supposed romance-to-be between me & Ashrul. Jason & Jona had come up to me & asked me about Ashrul.
I don't remember what I said. I was trying to make it clear that it was impossible, partly because he's a Muslim & completely because I was Nigel's, & that I still really wanted to be good friends with him because Ashrul was special & I didn't want to lose that, & that no, I don't think that he's chasing me at all because he isn't, & I'm not turning him down because there's nothing to turn down, & he's an awesome pawsome guy, like, seriously, & there's no reason why anyone would-
You see? Making that clear would've taken some major Einstein or Maslow movement in the noggin.
I just smiled & stuttered a bit & kept quiet, acting off handed, because although I was surprised, I WAS off-handed- There isn't anything to make a big deal out of.
But isn't there? I'm just really worried that Ashrul might a) feel unhappy because they made it seem as though he's chasing a girl who already has a boyfriend, and he feels insulted, or b) feel unhappy because he does like me & I seem to really not like him at all, despite the fun we have.
Jason started singing this song: "I like you~ (Ashrul) But you like her~ (Me) But she likes him (Takes my wallet to look at Nigel's adorable picture)" (In Mandarin)
Surprise #4
Tan Yi Ling also goes on a diet.
Surprise #5
Most guys in my class prefer having girlfriends who are slim.
Surprise #7
Mum's home. I have to do chores & start my revision. I felt so bad this morning when mum scolded me for not doing more revision & going to read in the library instead. Bad as in angry, gulity, unworthy, poop.
Sigh.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, confused.
Thinking, what a drama.
Anyway, today was filled with little big surprises. Little as in, they aren't really that important (I think) & are not life-changing i.e. my parents suddenly tell me that we need to move to Melbourne. Big as in, they impacted me somewhat & has probably changed a little of my character/personality in the long run.
Surprise #1:
Cent (A temporary nick; I don't want to use his real name, in case he doesn't want this to be public knowledge) has a girlfriend.
We were discussing our Starnie Mag project on Fat Phobia during MUET class (No teacher! Since MUET examinations over). So we started asking around, the few students left in class who were either doing their homework, or joining us in our chat/discussion, questions on fat phobia. The other students, including Jason, were having their ICAS Science test. Thank God- The amount of drama that went on during our discussion would've been picked up by Jason & multiplied into a series of announcements & twisted covers.
I asked Cent, then. "How would you feel if you have a girlfriend who's kind of plump-"
I didn't even finish before he went all, "Ah, already have eh."
I don't know what happened to me. I started asking for clues about who she was, but it was clear that he (And Judith, who knew, apparently) didn't want to divulge anything, other than the fact that she's an ex-classmate, & it has been years. I'm fine that they don't want to tell, I really am. But I'd become quieter & quieter, until I just laid my head on the desk, trying to think.
Of course, when I start thinking without anything specific to think about, every other thing that has been bothering me would join in the fun. This diet, my fatness, examinations, Ashrul, mum, blah.
But mostly I tried to figure out why I felt so... Strange, discovering that Cent has a girlfriend, and I didn't know. It was something like feeling betrayed, except it's definitely not that tragic & Cent did nothing wrong at all. I'd expected to know stuff like that, but he has his reasons, I suppose, for not telling.
It's not as straightforward as me feeling left out that I didn't know about his girlfriend. There's something deeper here. Almost transparent, so I know it'll just dissipate after tonight. But still, it's strange.
Surprise #2
Keith sat opposite of me in the canteen today & asked if I minded that he interrupted me (I was reading) I said no, & shut my book.
He proceeded to talk about the bible.
I'm not going to go through everything we talked about here, because I fear my memory would fail me & I'd misquote him. Also, I don't feel like typing so much about this. I have to limit my time on the computer (Or rather, more of the limited time for Facecake, please)
All in all, Keith talked to me about some article he'd read about the facts & issues stemming from the bible & the translations. After all that, he'd told me that he discussed it with me because he knew I wouldn't mind, unlike the rest who might jump on him for talking about incredulous ideas & stories.
I was a little pleased, of course. And also interested in his interest in religion. Keith would just be this other guy in class, if it's not because of the few times he'd come to me to just- Talk, & tell me about stuff he found interesting. Also, he was more in tune with world news than the rest of the class.
I hope he gets the answers he might be looking for.
Surprise #3
The boys in class are becoming bolder concerning this supposed romance-to-be between me & Ashrul. Jason & Jona had come up to me & asked me about Ashrul.
I don't remember what I said. I was trying to make it clear that it was impossible, partly because he's a Muslim & completely because I was Nigel's, & that I still really wanted to be good friends with him because Ashrul was special & I didn't want to lose that, & that no, I don't think that he's chasing me at all because he isn't, & I'm not turning him down because there's nothing to turn down, & he's an awesome pawsome guy, like, seriously, & there's no reason why anyone would-
You see? Making that clear would've taken some major Einstein or Maslow movement in the noggin.
I just smiled & stuttered a bit & kept quiet, acting off handed, because although I was surprised, I WAS off-handed- There isn't anything to make a big deal out of.
But isn't there? I'm just really worried that Ashrul might a) feel unhappy because they made it seem as though he's chasing a girl who already has a boyfriend, and he feels insulted, or b) feel unhappy because he does like me & I seem to really not like him at all, despite the fun we have.
Jason started singing this song: "I like you~ (Ashrul) But you like her~ (Me) But she likes him (Takes my wallet to look at Nigel's adorable picture)" (In Mandarin)
Surprise #4
Tan Yi Ling also goes on a diet.
Surprise #5
Most guys in my class prefer having girlfriends who are slim.
Surprise #7
Mum's home. I have to do chores & start my revision. I felt so bad this morning when mum scolded me for not doing more revision & going to read in the library instead. Bad as in angry, gulity, unworthy, poop.
Sigh.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, confused.
Thinking, what a drama.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Monday: Fasting
I failed yesterday. Tasted the cupcakes I baked for Rowena.
I failed today too. Had a little icing when I got home & a few bites of shredded cabbage.
What did I fail? My FASTING.
My five days have not started yet, then. I must go without any solid food for five days STRAIGHT. Otherwise I fail & I will not be able to eat happy or study well.
Yes, I cannot concentrate on my Math or Chemistry or whatever while this fast isn't done.
This isn't a fast devoted to prayer, though. This is a fast to lose weight, & to lose it fast.
I know. Crash diet. Dangerous. Won't work. I've heard it all & truth be told, I'm kind of apprehensive about advices now. Not that I don't feel loved & cared for when people advise me. But I just don't believe any of those stuff now. At least, most of it. What I need now isn't logic or facts (or not). What I need now is discipline.
& I'm getting there. I'd managed to get through school today, until four ten, without a bite of anything. Just some clear soup & green tea & coffee. & sugarfree chewing gum. It's gradual, but the determination builds up. Who knows, tomorrow I might make it. The entire day, without food. Then it'd be a strike one.
Let's see.
It's difficult to go without food, especially when people keep telling you to eat. Some say I'm crazy, some day I don't need to. & I know by the time I enter the third day, my parents are definitely going to sound. But most of all is the craving. Not the hunger- I actually enjoy the acidic muscle pain- but the craving. For something savory, or something sweet, or something filling, or hot- It differs, it always changes.
To distract myself from all that, I read. Recently I'd absorbed Garth Nix's The Seventh Tower series- Something intense enough to draw me into another world, but yet not so heavy duty i.e. Keys to the Kingdom, also by Garth Nix. Nancy Drew is fine too, but it gets boring at times. I'd got addicted to Sammy Keyes, but I'd finished reading the few Sammy Keyes books the school library has. I wish I could visit the state library- I'd be able to just stay there for hours, reading, instead of feeling all deprived & depressed. That'd be... So awesome.
Reading Garth Nix just makes me want to write again.
Thinking about how I must not start writing until my STPM is over always sets off an odd thought, a quiet feeling. Something along the lines of, if I should die now, or anytime soon, & I had time to think about my life... I wouldn't feel contentment at its best.
Because I haven't finished any story. Nothing of mine was ever finished, save a few one-shots & articles, mere shadow trickles of the giants of worlds in my mind.
& because, Nigel wouldn't be able to keep his promise, to take me as his wife.
Once upon a time, a deathbed resentment like that would've drawn something like a half-smile from me. That was a long time ago. When you've grasped the idea of sharing your future exclusively with another, single being, not doing so would feel like half the sun is missing.
But I wouldn't be completely incomplete, if I were to die now. I have Jesus. Distant as I feel from Him sometimes, He's always my first love, the One I've let down so many, many times, but still loves me so much. The one I talk to when I get scared at nights, when I start thinking too much.
And also, I'd have experienced one of the best things in life. I found the other main character in the story of my life.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, angry.
Thinking, discipline discipline discipline. Be like Milla!
I failed today too. Had a little icing when I got home & a few bites of shredded cabbage.
What did I fail? My FASTING.
My five days have not started yet, then. I must go without any solid food for five days STRAIGHT. Otherwise I fail & I will not be able to eat happy or study well.
Yes, I cannot concentrate on my Math or Chemistry or whatever while this fast isn't done.
This isn't a fast devoted to prayer, though. This is a fast to lose weight, & to lose it fast.
I know. Crash diet. Dangerous. Won't work. I've heard it all & truth be told, I'm kind of apprehensive about advices now. Not that I don't feel loved & cared for when people advise me. But I just don't believe any of those stuff now. At least, most of it. What I need now isn't logic or facts (or not). What I need now is discipline.
& I'm getting there. I'd managed to get through school today, until four ten, without a bite of anything. Just some clear soup & green tea & coffee. & sugarfree chewing gum. It's gradual, but the determination builds up. Who knows, tomorrow I might make it. The entire day, without food. Then it'd be a strike one.
Let's see.
It's difficult to go without food, especially when people keep telling you to eat. Some say I'm crazy, some day I don't need to. & I know by the time I enter the third day, my parents are definitely going to sound. But most of all is the craving. Not the hunger- I actually enjoy the acidic muscle pain- but the craving. For something savory, or something sweet, or something filling, or hot- It differs, it always changes.
To distract myself from all that, I read. Recently I'd absorbed Garth Nix's The Seventh Tower series- Something intense enough to draw me into another world, but yet not so heavy duty i.e. Keys to the Kingdom, also by Garth Nix. Nancy Drew is fine too, but it gets boring at times. I'd got addicted to Sammy Keyes, but I'd finished reading the few Sammy Keyes books the school library has. I wish I could visit the state library- I'd be able to just stay there for hours, reading, instead of feeling all deprived & depressed. That'd be... So awesome.
Reading Garth Nix just makes me want to write again.
Thinking about how I must not start writing until my STPM is over always sets off an odd thought, a quiet feeling. Something along the lines of, if I should die now, or anytime soon, & I had time to think about my life... I wouldn't feel contentment at its best.
Because I haven't finished any story. Nothing of mine was ever finished, save a few one-shots & articles, mere shadow trickles of the giants of worlds in my mind.
& because, Nigel wouldn't be able to keep his promise, to take me as his wife.
Once upon a time, a deathbed resentment like that would've drawn something like a half-smile from me. That was a long time ago. When you've grasped the idea of sharing your future exclusively with another, single being, not doing so would feel like half the sun is missing.
But I wouldn't be completely incomplete, if I were to die now. I have Jesus. Distant as I feel from Him sometimes, He's always my first love, the One I've let down so many, many times, but still loves me so much. The one I talk to when I get scared at nights, when I start thinking too much.
And also, I'd have experienced one of the best things in life. I found the other main character in the story of my life.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, angry.
Thinking, discipline discipline discipline. Be like Milla!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Sunday: Easter
Acted out the drama twice, once for English service, the other for BM. Overall, it was good. Though the BM youths kind of laughed when they weren't supposed to. How in the world can you be laughing when the scene is on Jesus carrying the cross & being jeered & mocked by evil people? :(
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, tired.
Thinking, Four more days to go.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, tired.
Thinking, Four more days to go.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Friday: Good Friday
Instead of recording today's incidents properly, I'll just bullet everything. Or, at least, categorize stuff.
1. I have never played the piano for a church service so well before. I had to put heart into it because Berto wasn't around to play the drums, & the guitarist & bassist (Tony & Nicholas) weren't... Loud or fast enough to bring up the music. Sister Suk kept asking us to quicken the pace, so that it won't be boring. I understand that, but I half died trying to bring up the tempo when the singers themselves (Sister Suk was leading) & the other two musicians weren't... Joining in.
2. Drama practice from 5 to 8 just now was really good. We made a lot of progress. I felt bad & super anxious at first. There was a lot of work left. The transformation scene for me- Well, I didn't have anything dressy enough that was modest enough. I couldn't wear some of my more classy outfits because they were a little bit more revealing than should be allowed up there, in front of the church congregation. Then, the music. Some of the music we used were worldly music. I felt uneasy about playing worldly music in the sanctuary. We had a drunk party scene. I suppose it could be justified. But it still didn't seem right. We need more time to find a Christian piece that sounded techno enough. Time. Also, Kiren was very lax. She was very open to ideas, which was super. But then, sometimes I felt like, we weren't acting well enough. No guidance. And some other stuff. All in all I felt like the whole drama was wrong.
But I couldn't give up. I was so tempted to just throw in the towel as the main character- Nicely, of course. Nevertheless, experience has told me that it'd hurt them very much, not to mention bring down their spirits.
So I made myself forget it. Whatever happens, happens. I cannot be such a perfectionist. So what if I'm the main character of a less-than-good drama? As long I did my part. So I did. I gave a lot into playing my character.
3. There was a very good vibe between pa and I today. I'd talked to him over the phone about where we were going for lunch- a small matter. But I sounded cheerful, & pa, well, he was too. It takes two to tango, as they say. During lunch, when we came home, it was... good. It wasn't like we suddenly became friends or anything like that. But I felt happy with pa around. This doesn't happen all the time, so I'm thankful.
Pa likes making us happy. Sometimes, he doesn't give me what I want, like helping me to reload, or getting me a new phone quickly. I get mad. But the times he'd spend a hundred bucks on us, especially on meals, I'd feel... Touched. I'd feel angry when Jerry & Sophia don't finish their food, just because they don't like it. Or force pa to go somewhere else when pa feels like eating fish or something.
4. Got absorbed in Garth Nix again. Mum is worried that I don't study. I do too. The desire to escape is great, though.
5. Teacher's Day is coming around. I have this idea where Nana and I can work together to come up with gifts for teachers like Cikgu Yong (she'd taught us BM at tuition for four years), Cikgu Lim (Additional Math tuition teacher) & Cikgu Victoria (English teacher). Partly because it's about time I thanked these teachers properly, & also, I want to spend time with Nana. And maybe, feel like I'm back in my upper form days again. I miss.
6. Intake:
a) Apple
b) Coffee
c) Banana
d) Beef
e) Ice Cream
f) 3 Doughnuts
g) Apple
h) Fish
I was frustrated that Nigel said he was disappointed in me for having the fish. I'd justified myself by saying that, pa had paid a lot for that meal. They'd left some just for me, even though I'd went off to look at stuff in some shop nearby, so that I wouldn't eat. They'd still left some anyway. I decided to just have the fish, since it couldn't be taken away, whereas the other stuff were dry & could be tapau-ed.
I didn't finish the mouthful I had when Nigel texted me, that he was a little disappointed in me. I spat it out into a wet tissue surreptiously. & I felt bad, and a little annoyed. To be able to boast to my friends about how Nigel would love me no matter what size I was or how ugly I become, is a desire. I know he does, regardless. He did, actually. But I couldn't tell that to people, not yet. They wouldn't believe me.
Whatever, though. I'm glad he pushes me. I'm very glad. One of my best qualities is how quickly I forgive & forget- Or at least, I remember deeds, but the doer I'll always love. I'm good at justifying faults of other people. But in a way, it destroys me, because then I learn to justify my own faults, my own slack.
I have never been a perfectionist. Maybe in little ways, like rewriting when I think my handwriting isn't good enough, or completely abandoning a project or assignment if I couldn't do it perfectly. Other than that, I don't berate myself when I get low marks for a subject, or when I don't handle a situation well enough. I forgive myself too easily.
So it's good that I have someone who pushes me. It hurts, but it's good. No more justifications. Even if it affects my energy level during classes. Even if I feel faint. Even if I become depressed & moody. Even if my stomach hurts. Even if I have to sleep off the hunger.
Because when I get to that goal weight, it's going to feel so damn good.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, tired.
Thinking, I should stop feeling like I have to compete with the other girls in his life, shouldn't I?
1. I have never played the piano for a church service so well before. I had to put heart into it because Berto wasn't around to play the drums, & the guitarist & bassist (Tony & Nicholas) weren't... Loud or fast enough to bring up the music. Sister Suk kept asking us to quicken the pace, so that it won't be boring. I understand that, but I half died trying to bring up the tempo when the singers themselves (Sister Suk was leading) & the other two musicians weren't... Joining in.
2. Drama practice from 5 to 8 just now was really good. We made a lot of progress. I felt bad & super anxious at first. There was a lot of work left. The transformation scene for me- Well, I didn't have anything dressy enough that was modest enough. I couldn't wear some of my more classy outfits because they were a little bit more revealing than should be allowed up there, in front of the church congregation. Then, the music. Some of the music we used were worldly music. I felt uneasy about playing worldly music in the sanctuary. We had a drunk party scene. I suppose it could be justified. But it still didn't seem right. We need more time to find a Christian piece that sounded techno enough. Time. Also, Kiren was very lax. She was very open to ideas, which was super. But then, sometimes I felt like, we weren't acting well enough. No guidance. And some other stuff. All in all I felt like the whole drama was wrong.
But I couldn't give up. I was so tempted to just throw in the towel as the main character- Nicely, of course. Nevertheless, experience has told me that it'd hurt them very much, not to mention bring down their spirits.
So I made myself forget it. Whatever happens, happens. I cannot be such a perfectionist. So what if I'm the main character of a less-than-good drama? As long I did my part. So I did. I gave a lot into playing my character.
3. There was a very good vibe between pa and I today. I'd talked to him over the phone about where we were going for lunch- a small matter. But I sounded cheerful, & pa, well, he was too. It takes two to tango, as they say. During lunch, when we came home, it was... good. It wasn't like we suddenly became friends or anything like that. But I felt happy with pa around. This doesn't happen all the time, so I'm thankful.
Pa likes making us happy. Sometimes, he doesn't give me what I want, like helping me to reload, or getting me a new phone quickly. I get mad. But the times he'd spend a hundred bucks on us, especially on meals, I'd feel... Touched. I'd feel angry when Jerry & Sophia don't finish their food, just because they don't like it. Or force pa to go somewhere else when pa feels like eating fish or something.
4. Got absorbed in Garth Nix again. Mum is worried that I don't study. I do too. The desire to escape is great, though.
5. Teacher's Day is coming around. I have this idea where Nana and I can work together to come up with gifts for teachers like Cikgu Yong (she'd taught us BM at tuition for four years), Cikgu Lim (Additional Math tuition teacher) & Cikgu Victoria (English teacher). Partly because it's about time I thanked these teachers properly, & also, I want to spend time with Nana. And maybe, feel like I'm back in my upper form days again. I miss.
6. Intake:
a) Apple
b) Coffee
c) Banana
d) Beef
e) Ice Cream
f) 3 Doughnuts
g) Apple
h) Fish
I was frustrated that Nigel said he was disappointed in me for having the fish. I'd justified myself by saying that, pa had paid a lot for that meal. They'd left some just for me, even though I'd went off to look at stuff in some shop nearby, so that I wouldn't eat. They'd still left some anyway. I decided to just have the fish, since it couldn't be taken away, whereas the other stuff were dry & could be tapau-ed.
I didn't finish the mouthful I had when Nigel texted me, that he was a little disappointed in me. I spat it out into a wet tissue surreptiously. & I felt bad, and a little annoyed. To be able to boast to my friends about how Nigel would love me no matter what size I was or how ugly I become, is a desire. I know he does, regardless. He did, actually. But I couldn't tell that to people, not yet. They wouldn't believe me.
Whatever, though. I'm glad he pushes me. I'm very glad. One of my best qualities is how quickly I forgive & forget- Or at least, I remember deeds, but the doer I'll always love. I'm good at justifying faults of other people. But in a way, it destroys me, because then I learn to justify my own faults, my own slack.
I have never been a perfectionist. Maybe in little ways, like rewriting when I think my handwriting isn't good enough, or completely abandoning a project or assignment if I couldn't do it perfectly. Other than that, I don't berate myself when I get low marks for a subject, or when I don't handle a situation well enough. I forgive myself too easily.
So it's good that I have someone who pushes me. It hurts, but it's good. No more justifications. Even if it affects my energy level during classes. Even if I feel faint. Even if I become depressed & moody. Even if my stomach hurts. Even if I have to sleep off the hunger.
Because when I get to that goal weight, it's going to feel so damn good.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, tired.
Thinking, I should stop feeling like I have to compete with the other girls in his life, shouldn't I?
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Thursday: New Uniform!
I only have five minutes on the computer now. I'd just showered, & all ready to snuggle up with my book in bed <3 but I know I should always try my best to post something on my blog everyday!
Today's highlight: My new uniform. HAHA. Ask Jason about it and he'll let you know what a big deal it is. Or at least, what a big deal HE made out of it.
Honestly, that boy kept saying stuff like he couldn't take his eyes off me, that Chyng lost to me, that his girlfriend (Keay) is going to kill him...
I'm not stupid to believe him, of course. Jason plays the fool all the time, & sometimes he plays huge fools. But to have attention drawn to me like that, & knowing Jason's reputation as someone who is usually, well, a little mean & easy to criticize, it made me blush a lot. So yeah, I was blushing in school the whole day.
Other than Jason, Chyng, Jona, Judith, Pui Pui, Ming Li, Rowena, Doraemon, etc, have told me that I looked good in my uniform. So I suppose it's true :D I already knew it was better than my baju kurung anyway, since my baju is too large, faded &, well, slacks my built down. I just didn't think it's be THAT much of an improvement.
Thank you mummy <3 it costs around RM75, not including the cost of the fabric, which is this smooth material that won't go all 'fluffy' like your normal cotton cloth. But it is a little bit more stiff & warm.
The skirt's a little big, since I've decided that it's easier & more comfortable to wear it as a high waisted skirt than a hip-bone hanging one. I'm using a safety pin now, but it keeps slipping off, so I might edit the hook's position myself or send it back to the tailor.
Gahh y language & grammar is all jumbled up in this post. Hurrying. Time limit's over already and OH HERE SHE IS, SOPHIA. Here to reclaim the computer.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, hurryingish.
Thinking, nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
Today's highlight: My new uniform. HAHA. Ask Jason about it and he'll let you know what a big deal it is. Or at least, what a big deal HE made out of it.
Honestly, that boy kept saying stuff like he couldn't take his eyes off me, that Chyng lost to me, that his girlfriend (Keay) is going to kill him...
I'm not stupid to believe him, of course. Jason plays the fool all the time, & sometimes he plays huge fools. But to have attention drawn to me like that, & knowing Jason's reputation as someone who is usually, well, a little mean & easy to criticize, it made me blush a lot. So yeah, I was blushing in school the whole day.
Other than Jason, Chyng, Jona, Judith, Pui Pui, Ming Li, Rowena, Doraemon, etc, have told me that I looked good in my uniform. So I suppose it's true :D I already knew it was better than my baju kurung anyway, since my baju is too large, faded &, well, slacks my built down. I just didn't think it's be THAT much of an improvement.
Thank you mummy <3 it costs around RM75, not including the cost of the fabric, which is this smooth material that won't go all 'fluffy' like your normal cotton cloth. But it is a little bit more stiff & warm.
The skirt's a little big, since I've decided that it's easier & more comfortable to wear it as a high waisted skirt than a hip-bone hanging one. I'm using a safety pin now, but it keeps slipping off, so I might edit the hook's position myself or send it back to the tailor.
Gahh y language & grammar is all jumbled up in this post. Hurrying. Time limit's over already and OH HERE SHE IS, SOPHIA. Here to reclaim the computer.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, hurryingish.
Thinking, nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Wednesday:
Nothing much happened today.
English Language Society was nice. They are starting to, well, be more involved in things. There's going to be a visit to a chocolate factory (Simply Chocolate) & I want to join if possible.
Community Service was supposed to be today, but it was postponed. That's good; they're only beginning to take more initiative & organize things better. People DO do well, given the chance & the right motivation.
I haven't been on Tumblr since Monday. Or Sunday. I forgot.
I am thinking about joining the Mooting Competition by Bond University.
I love Organic Chemistry.
I didn't do too well for the Chapter Nine Biology test today.
Jonathan & Jason didn't come to school today. Jona texted me last time, asking whether I was going to come to school today. It was not marked as unread when I checked my phone after I reached home from school just now, so I must've read it last night or this morning, all half asleep & groggy. Nigel's messages too.
Jona told me during the PTE meeting last week that it was impossible I hadn't figured out yet who that girl he was talking about was. The one he'd described in his Facecake status as 'seemed to speak from my heart', or something like that. I strongly believed it to be Chyng- They sat next to each other, both came from All Saints & they were tight, I knew. But then he was, "It's you lah."
I can't say I wasn't surprised & unhappy, because I wasn't. But scared, I was, a little. Of letting him down, of not being close when he needs me to be. On the other hand, I don't tell him when I need him, so I guess I cannot complain that he doesn't let me know.
Signed, Carmelia
Feeling, useless.
Thinking, I love organic chemistry.
English Language Society was nice. They are starting to, well, be more involved in things. There's going to be a visit to a chocolate factory (Simply Chocolate) & I want to join if possible.
Community Service was supposed to be today, but it was postponed. That's good; they're only beginning to take more initiative & organize things better. People DO do well, given the chance & the right motivation.
I haven't been on Tumblr since Monday. Or Sunday. I forgot.
I am thinking about joining the Mooting Competition by Bond University.
I love Organic Chemistry.
I didn't do too well for the Chapter Nine Biology test today.
Jonathan & Jason didn't come to school today. Jona texted me last time, asking whether I was going to come to school today. It was not marked as unread when I checked my phone after I reached home from school just now, so I must've read it last night or this morning, all half asleep & groggy. Nigel's messages too.
Jona told me during the PTE meeting last week that it was impossible I hadn't figured out yet who that girl he was talking about was. The one he'd described in his Facecake status as 'seemed to speak from my heart', or something like that. I strongly believed it to be Chyng- They sat next to each other, both came from All Saints & they were tight, I knew. But then he was, "It's you lah."
I can't say I wasn't surprised & unhappy, because I wasn't. But scared, I was, a little. Of letting him down, of not being close when he needs me to be. On the other hand, I don't tell him when I need him, so I guess I cannot complain that he doesn't let me know.
Signed, Carmelia
Feeling, useless.
Thinking, I love organic chemistry.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Monday: Ordinary
Well, okay, today was not ordinary. It's difficult for me to say that any day is ordinary, because honestly, every day isn't. Unless you're just asking me about my day & I really don't want to start having to recall every exceptional detail about my day. Then I'll tell you, yeah, it's ordinary, relative to the more awesome/horrible days I'd had.
I don't have much time here. I have tuition later, & I'm tired. I think I can take a quick nap before- I hope.
After MUET examinations, school life is like, renewed or something. Even though MUET did not take up much of my time & energy at all, I still feel as though, wow, now I can concentrate on my Chemistry. And Math. And Biology. And General Studies. It's a false perception, logically speaking, but since it seems to be helping me get into the 'study' mode, well, I won't fight it.
Stuff going on:
1. Starnie Competition- Come up with ideas for the magazine & start doing stuff. My rough idea is a really good article, which will, of course, be from me; a survey; and... That's it. We're submitting two magazines, one on Social Values (littering) & one on Eating Disorders (HAH)
2. Community Service- Which is this Wednesday. I'm not the one in charge, but I'm still the President of the ELS so I'm jittery about it.
3. Cheerleading- Why am I the one in charge now? Okay, never mind. I'll just do what I can, and in the meantime, press for the teachers to get a trainer from outside. I want to take part & exercise. Not organize.
4. Biology test- This Wednesday as well! Starting to study already & it doesn't seem overwhelming, though I will have to put in quite some effort.
5. Teacher's Day decoration- With Jona. Still some weeks to go, but we really should begin work, instead of panicking during the examinations. That would just kill my study mood, which would kill my grades.
6. Teacher's Day Fund Raising- For the ELS. We need FUNDS. Also, I want to bake & decorate & sell cupcakes.
Signed, Carmelia
Feeling, tired.
Thinking, 6.32PM already? Sobs.
I don't have much time here. I have tuition later, & I'm tired. I think I can take a quick nap before- I hope.
After MUET examinations, school life is like, renewed or something. Even though MUET did not take up much of my time & energy at all, I still feel as though, wow, now I can concentrate on my Chemistry. And Math. And Biology. And General Studies. It's a false perception, logically speaking, but since it seems to be helping me get into the 'study' mode, well, I won't fight it.
Stuff going on:
1. Starnie Competition- Come up with ideas for the magazine & start doing stuff. My rough idea is a really good article, which will, of course, be from me; a survey; and... That's it. We're submitting two magazines, one on Social Values (littering) & one on Eating Disorders (HAH)
2. Community Service- Which is this Wednesday. I'm not the one in charge, but I'm still the President of the ELS so I'm jittery about it.
3. Cheerleading- Why am I the one in charge now? Okay, never mind. I'll just do what I can, and in the meantime, press for the teachers to get a trainer from outside. I want to take part & exercise. Not organize.
4. Biology test- This Wednesday as well! Starting to study already & it doesn't seem overwhelming, though I will have to put in quite some effort.
5. Teacher's Day decoration- With Jona. Still some weeks to go, but we really should begin work, instead of panicking during the examinations. That would just kill my study mood, which would kill my grades.
6. Teacher's Day Fund Raising- For the ELS. We need FUNDS. Also, I want to bake & decorate & sell cupcakes.
Signed, Carmelia
Feeling, tired.
Thinking, 6.32PM already? Sobs.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Sunday: Post-Paintball
Saturday (Yesterday) was a full day out for me.
My handphone rang in the morning & woke me up. I was all groggy. "Mmelou."
"Thung? Wake up already?"
Irritated much. "Mmbhaaaa."
"Because it's seven already oh."
"Mmmbhaaaaaa."
I shut the phone & went back to sleep. And then something clicked. Wait. Seven?
I ended up rushing out the house without brushing my teeth & compensating by gurgling water & chewing sugar-free gum.
I couldn't understand why I didn't wake up to the alarm that I'd set to ring at 6AM, but more than that, I couldn't understand why the MUET TEACHER in charge of the MUET EXAMINATIONS wasn't panicking that she was late for school.
Mysteries never cease.
I don't think I did very well for my MUET:
1. Reading: Was okay. Its weightage is the heaviest, 120 out of 300. But I wasn't very worried about this, because there were choices available, as opposed to Writing. Obviously, I did my best, but usually, during practices, I'd end up scoring less than 40 out of 45, even though the papers would be scribbled all over with arguments about why I'd chosen this and not that and why this is not accurate & how I'd argue about this answer... Honestly, trying to score a Reading paper is very good training for a lawyer-to-be.
2. Writing: I was most worried about this paper, & I was right to. Because I was almost perspiring & panicking around twenty minutes till time was up, because I was SO not satisfied with what I had for my Question 2, & my Question 1 wasn't done yet.
I'd expected something academic for Question 2. Instead, this popped out: "The most valuable thing in life is friendship." Do you agree? Discuss.
My points were basically A. Friendships are practical, B. Friendship helps us enjoy life more & C. Friendship builds character.
...Just thinking about my Writing paper makes me feel sad. Let's move on.
3. Listening: Best paper ever. All we have to do is listen, summarize stuff if needed, & write down answers. I don't have problems with spelling, my vocabulary's good enough to handle the more difficult summaries, & even though I have hearing problems (ask Nigel), I could still listen to the radio well.
However, it was so straightforward that I'm suspecting... Nah.
After MUET, after spending some time listening to laments & comments & hurrahs, after tapau-ing 2 packs of RM7 chicken rice from this Qing Yuan Chicken Rice Shop at 88 Commercial Centre, mum & I went home. I had lunch, watch a little television (Fairly Odd Parents!), took a shower & rushed off to Area 21.
Jason gave good directions: "Just drive past KDCA & go straighttttttttttttttttttttttttt until you see Area 21 on your right."
How direct. So why did Ashrul end up being thirty minutes late trying to find the place? God knows, but I enjoyed listening to the guys talking about what they'd do to him when he arrives :D
Paintball:
#Was fun. RM45 for 300 paintballs, & I didn't manage to finish them.
#I was disappointed that I didn't get shot at more. Tan Ming Xuan finally managed to shoot me three times, of which I'm thankful, but compared to the condition some of the others were in, it was not enough. It's alright, though. Next time I shall be like Jona, who went all Rambo & strutted towards his enemies in the open with his marker shooting balls like nobody's business.
#During the first match, Jona & Jason said all they could see was my butt, sticking out from behind one of the bunkers. They'd tried shooting at it but my butt would keep hiding out. Good job, butt. Not that they'd be accurate anyway, since they're not snipers, & my butt is NOT that big.
#Mental notes: 1. Wear sports shoes. Not Converses. 2. Do not wear jeans. 3. Do not wear white. 4. Do not wear spectacles. Tan Ming Xuan & Ashrul both went home with broken glasses; TMX stepped on his & Ashrul's kind of exploded inside the mask. At least, it seemed to have done that.
So after paintball, I went home, all sweaty & muddy. Rushed through shower, & went out again for
JJ's Western Food:
#I ordered what I'd ordered the last two times I've been there: Junior Portion Chicken Chop Black Pepper. I don't even need to look at the menu.
#Waited for everyone to arrive. That took almost an hour, so the ones who got their orders first didn't wait for everyone's orders to arrive. That'd be kind of stupid, since there were 25 of us. Jona's dad must've been grilling up a storm.
#Jona's daddeh is very cute <3 He smiles when I smile at him!
And when everyone was well-fed & satisfied, we went to the
Basketball Court:
#It was behind Easy Way in the Damai area. Well-lit, no mozzies, spacious, no mozzies, no mozzies, no mozzies.
#The guys had a basketball match, long trousers versus short pants.
#The girls tried taking jump shots.
#I made Doraemon take pictures of Yii Chyng. I absolutely adored her white blouse. Princess sleeves, see-through lace front & back top. & her jjeans were white washed. & her hair. SO NAISE.
It's three-thirty now. I have a lot more to describe, actually, but I guess I should get going now. Oh, and drama today was fun. Although there was some conflict between Kiren & Tasha, and Sonya. Poor Sonya. Sigh. I'd back her up if needed, really. I just don't want to be nosy, for now. Especially since I don't really know exactly what happened. But from what I know, I'd back Sonya.
And! Nigel got his laptop yesterday. If I'm not mistaken. Ahhhh my sense of time, my memory... When I get busy, everything seems to merge into one full day, & I don't remember the nights so it's all-
Okay, never mind.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, I wanna go pee.
Thinking, go pee now & go sleep.
My handphone rang in the morning & woke me up. I was all groggy. "Mmelou."
"Thung? Wake up already?"
Irritated much. "Mmbhaaaa."
"Because it's seven already oh."
"Mmmbhaaaaaa."
I shut the phone & went back to sleep. And then something clicked. Wait. Seven?
I ended up rushing out the house without brushing my teeth & compensating by gurgling water & chewing sugar-free gum.
I couldn't understand why I didn't wake up to the alarm that I'd set to ring at 6AM, but more than that, I couldn't understand why the MUET TEACHER in charge of the MUET EXAMINATIONS wasn't panicking that she was late for school.
Mysteries never cease.
I don't think I did very well for my MUET:
1. Reading: Was okay. Its weightage is the heaviest, 120 out of 300. But I wasn't very worried about this, because there were choices available, as opposed to Writing. Obviously, I did my best, but usually, during practices, I'd end up scoring less than 40 out of 45, even though the papers would be scribbled all over with arguments about why I'd chosen this and not that and why this is not accurate & how I'd argue about this answer... Honestly, trying to score a Reading paper is very good training for a lawyer-to-be.
2. Writing: I was most worried about this paper, & I was right to. Because I was almost perspiring & panicking around twenty minutes till time was up, because I was SO not satisfied with what I had for my Question 2, & my Question 1 wasn't done yet.
I'd expected something academic for Question 2. Instead, this popped out: "The most valuable thing in life is friendship." Do you agree? Discuss.
My points were basically A. Friendships are practical, B. Friendship helps us enjoy life more & C. Friendship builds character.
...Just thinking about my Writing paper makes me feel sad. Let's move on.
3. Listening: Best paper ever. All we have to do is listen, summarize stuff if needed, & write down answers. I don't have problems with spelling, my vocabulary's good enough to handle the more difficult summaries, & even though I have hearing problems (ask Nigel), I could still listen to the radio well.
However, it was so straightforward that I'm suspecting... Nah.
After MUET, after spending some time listening to laments & comments & hurrahs, after tapau-ing 2 packs of RM7 chicken rice from this Qing Yuan Chicken Rice Shop at 88 Commercial Centre, mum & I went home. I had lunch, watch a little television (Fairly Odd Parents!), took a shower & rushed off to Area 21.
Jason gave good directions: "Just drive past KDCA & go straighttttttttttttttttttttttttt until you see Area 21 on your right."
How direct. So why did Ashrul end up being thirty minutes late trying to find the place? God knows, but I enjoyed listening to the guys talking about what they'd do to him when he arrives :D
Paintball:
#Was fun. RM45 for 300 paintballs, & I didn't manage to finish them.
#I was disappointed that I didn't get shot at more. Tan Ming Xuan finally managed to shoot me three times, of which I'm thankful, but compared to the condition some of the others were in, it was not enough. It's alright, though. Next time I shall be like Jona, who went all Rambo & strutted towards his enemies in the open with his marker shooting balls like nobody's business.
#During the first match, Jona & Jason said all they could see was my butt, sticking out from behind one of the bunkers. They'd tried shooting at it but my butt would keep hiding out. Good job, butt. Not that they'd be accurate anyway, since they're not snipers, & my butt is NOT that big.
#Mental notes: 1. Wear sports shoes. Not Converses. 2. Do not wear jeans. 3. Do not wear white. 4. Do not wear spectacles. Tan Ming Xuan & Ashrul both went home with broken glasses; TMX stepped on his & Ashrul's kind of exploded inside the mask. At least, it seemed to have done that.
So after paintball, I went home, all sweaty & muddy. Rushed through shower, & went out again for
JJ's Western Food:
#I ordered what I'd ordered the last two times I've been there: Junior Portion Chicken Chop Black Pepper. I don't even need to look at the menu.
#Waited for everyone to arrive. That took almost an hour, so the ones who got their orders first didn't wait for everyone's orders to arrive. That'd be kind of stupid, since there were 25 of us. Jona's dad must've been grilling up a storm.
#Jona's daddeh is very cute <3 He smiles when I smile at him!
And when everyone was well-fed & satisfied, we went to the
Basketball Court:
#It was behind Easy Way in the Damai area. Well-lit, no mozzies, spacious, no mozzies, no mozzies, no mozzies.
#The guys had a basketball match, long trousers versus short pants.
#The girls tried taking jump shots.
#I made Doraemon take pictures of Yii Chyng. I absolutely adored her white blouse. Princess sleeves, see-through lace front & back top. & her jjeans were white washed. & her hair. SO NAISE.
It's three-thirty now. I have a lot more to describe, actually, but I guess I should get going now. Oh, and drama today was fun. Although there was some conflict between Kiren & Tasha, and Sonya. Poor Sonya. Sigh. I'd back her up if needed, really. I just don't want to be nosy, for now. Especially since I don't really know exactly what happened. But from what I know, I'd back Sonya.
And! Nigel got his laptop yesterday. If I'm not mistaken. Ahhhh my sense of time, my memory... When I get busy, everything seems to merge into one full day, & I don't remember the nights so it's all-
Okay, never mind.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, I wanna go pee.
Thinking, go pee now & go sleep.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Friday: Last MUET day
We had MUET for every lesson before recess, & after that, since the teachers were busy moving their stuff around (they are reshuffling the teachers' lounges today), us Bionists spent our Biology period chatting & studying MUET in the lab.
No more MUET after today. It's kind of sad, for me, because English is the only subject I can really relax in & enjoy. But it's okay. Get it over it; one less subject will always be good.
Mum spent the morning going through our statistics with us, before passing out papers with incomplete lyrics. Waka waka?
"OH AH! OH AH!" Music blared out from the octopus mini speaker connected to her laptop in front. Ohhhh!
So we had fun, listening, trying to catch the words & writing them down. Kononnya if we can get all fourteen words correct, we'd get Band 6! But hey, motivation works ;) It was amusing, especially during the AMAMAHDYAHBGEWIUSW BIKI BIKI WONG MAN part. HAHAHA. I had NEVER noticed the "From A, to Z" part, sandwiched between the incomprehensible African words, as well as the "From east, to the west" part. But since I sat near the laptop, I caught the words.
Tomorrow, I'll be sitting on the far left, third from the front. The radio, if we do not get the extensions, will be in the upper right corner. That means I might have a small problem. But so far, during our examinations, I can listen just fine, so I'm not really worried.
I'm not really worried about reading either. I'm only worried about writing, because when I get stressed out & in front of me is a blank piece of slate waiting for me to be the proactive one, I tend to not do anything. Either that, or I'm really slow & panicky.
Studying for MUET will be like reading stories & articles for me- quite a hobby, only now I have to pay attention to more difficult/technical terms, & I cannot skip the boring parts.
We end at around 12:30PM. After that, I'll be going home for a shower, before going out to join the pack for paintball, & then steak at JJ's, & then basketball court. Hopefully I'll be so tired that I'll fall straight into sleep when I get home tomorrow night. I must remember to inform Brother Nicholas that I won't be able to play the piano this Sunday.
Have to work HARDER at my Math & Chemistry. Biology & General Studies are alright, because the motivation to excel in something comes easier to me than the motivation to merely pass something. When I'm mediocre, I slack a lot. When I'm good, I happily strive for better. Gotta change the former philosophy & keep the latter.
Last night, I ended up staying up till eleven plus. I didn't even know I was up until the message ringtone rang (that phone is LOUD). I checked the time & was like, wait, did i sleep? No, I didn't. I was just lying in bed, dazed out & tired, half unconscious & dreaming dreams but not really unaware of what was happening around me. Like the fan moving, & the sound of cars roaring past on the highway.
Why? I don't know. I barely wanted to think about why. It's nice when people care & ask me why I don't look okay, but when I myself don't know why, it sucks to be asked, because it makes me think. Jona asked why, & I just brushed it aside with whatever it was I said, before changing the subject.
I'm trying to remember any time when I'd turned around & walked away, & someone had actually run after me. Nothing of the joking sort; any time when I was angry or sad, & I'd actually turned to go.
I only dare do that to my mum, because we're close enough, & she certainly wouldn't run after me.
I don't do that to Melissa & Pearl, the few times we'd really fought. Melissa was more of a head-on fight; Pearl lashed out in harsh cold wars. I'd just bit my tongue & stayed rather quiet. If I had turned my back on them, they surely didn't chase after me. Melissa wouldn't because, well, she'd be mad too, at that time. & Pearl and I never went head to head, it was always a cold war fought by spreading hostility against me.
I did that a few times to my dad, & far from chasing after me, he'd yell or just ignore me.
I remember now, when that had happened. So it has happened before. I don't remember how I felt...
I wish I wasn't a girl, the few times when it seems to be so true that guys don't care & girls care too much. Not caring isn't a bad thing; you're cool with anything, you're secure no matter what happens, something good happens, yay! Something bad happens, well, fine. If nothing works out, ditch that plan & try something else then, why stress out? If one gets blamed for not putting in more effort, then one gets blamed, why bother so much?
Relationship disasters: Mel's boyfriend acts like nothing happened. I get so confused. Mel rants & raves, worries & cries, but he can still post stuff on her Facecake profile which are a little less than rough. He means the sweetest things, but one can't help but wondering who he really is, to be able to cause Mel such pain. Is Mel really exaggerating, then? Or is he just that ignorant, or two-faced, & Mel responds because she's a fighter?
I'm not that much of a girl amongst my classmates. Yeah, I'm girlish & crazy & hyper. Maybe that's why I'm so distant from them. I'm usually one of the last to know about a blossoming relationship or a break-up or a feud. When Jona or Genius get moody, I care. But I don't bug them. I just ask them about it, spend some time being silent around them, doing our respective homework or whatever crap.
Yet, they like me. Enough to always respond when I talk to them, enthusiastically, enough to invite me to whatever shindig they have, though not always, because they know the chances of me joining is quite little. Enough to get me to repeat what it was that I'd said if they didn't catch it the first time.
I might be reading things wrong, but why overthink? This is my impression of what is going on. I don't care too much. = I'm an independent girl. = I'm cool enough to hang with.
Mum's going out to fetch Sophia now. I'm following for the ride!
Signed, Carmelia
Feeling, happy.
Thinking, .
No more MUET after today. It's kind of sad, for me, because English is the only subject I can really relax in & enjoy. But it's okay. Get it over it; one less subject will always be good.
Mum spent the morning going through our statistics with us, before passing out papers with incomplete lyrics. Waka waka?
"OH AH! OH AH!" Music blared out from the octopus mini speaker connected to her laptop in front. Ohhhh!
So we had fun, listening, trying to catch the words & writing them down. Kononnya if we can get all fourteen words correct, we'd get Band 6! But hey, motivation works ;) It was amusing, especially during the AMAMAHDYAHBGEWIUSW BIKI BIKI WONG MAN part. HAHAHA. I had NEVER noticed the "From A, to Z" part, sandwiched between the incomprehensible African words, as well as the "From east, to the west" part. But since I sat near the laptop, I caught the words.
Tomorrow, I'll be sitting on the far left, third from the front. The radio, if we do not get the extensions, will be in the upper right corner. That means I might have a small problem. But so far, during our examinations, I can listen just fine, so I'm not really worried.
I'm not really worried about reading either. I'm only worried about writing, because when I get stressed out & in front of me is a blank piece of slate waiting for me to be the proactive one, I tend to not do anything. Either that, or I'm really slow & panicky.
Studying for MUET will be like reading stories & articles for me- quite a hobby, only now I have to pay attention to more difficult/technical terms, & I cannot skip the boring parts.
We end at around 12:30PM. After that, I'll be going home for a shower, before going out to join the pack for paintball, & then steak at JJ's, & then basketball court. Hopefully I'll be so tired that I'll fall straight into sleep when I get home tomorrow night. I must remember to inform Brother Nicholas that I won't be able to play the piano this Sunday.
Have to work HARDER at my Math & Chemistry. Biology & General Studies are alright, because the motivation to excel in something comes easier to me than the motivation to merely pass something. When I'm mediocre, I slack a lot. When I'm good, I happily strive for better. Gotta change the former philosophy & keep the latter.
Last night, I ended up staying up till eleven plus. I didn't even know I was up until the message ringtone rang (that phone is LOUD). I checked the time & was like, wait, did i sleep? No, I didn't. I was just lying in bed, dazed out & tired, half unconscious & dreaming dreams but not really unaware of what was happening around me. Like the fan moving, & the sound of cars roaring past on the highway.
Why? I don't know. I barely wanted to think about why. It's nice when people care & ask me why I don't look okay, but when I myself don't know why, it sucks to be asked, because it makes me think. Jona asked why, & I just brushed it aside with whatever it was I said, before changing the subject.
I'm trying to remember any time when I'd turned around & walked away, & someone had actually run after me. Nothing of the joking sort; any time when I was angry or sad, & I'd actually turned to go.
I only dare do that to my mum, because we're close enough, & she certainly wouldn't run after me.
I don't do that to Melissa & Pearl, the few times we'd really fought. Melissa was more of a head-on fight; Pearl lashed out in harsh cold wars. I'd just bit my tongue & stayed rather quiet. If I had turned my back on them, they surely didn't chase after me. Melissa wouldn't because, well, she'd be mad too, at that time. & Pearl and I never went head to head, it was always a cold war fought by spreading hostility against me.
I did that a few times to my dad, & far from chasing after me, he'd yell or just ignore me.
I remember now, when that had happened. So it has happened before. I don't remember how I felt...
I wish I wasn't a girl, the few times when it seems to be so true that guys don't care & girls care too much. Not caring isn't a bad thing; you're cool with anything, you're secure no matter what happens, something good happens, yay! Something bad happens, well, fine. If nothing works out, ditch that plan & try something else then, why stress out? If one gets blamed for not putting in more effort, then one gets blamed, why bother so much?
Relationship disasters: Mel's boyfriend acts like nothing happened. I get so confused. Mel rants & raves, worries & cries, but he can still post stuff on her Facecake profile which are a little less than rough. He means the sweetest things, but one can't help but wondering who he really is, to be able to cause Mel such pain. Is Mel really exaggerating, then? Or is he just that ignorant, or two-faced, & Mel responds because she's a fighter?
I'm not that much of a girl amongst my classmates. Yeah, I'm girlish & crazy & hyper. Maybe that's why I'm so distant from them. I'm usually one of the last to know about a blossoming relationship or a break-up or a feud. When Jona or Genius get moody, I care. But I don't bug them. I just ask them about it, spend some time being silent around them, doing our respective homework or whatever crap.
Yet, they like me. Enough to always respond when I talk to them, enthusiastically, enough to invite me to whatever shindig they have, though not always, because they know the chances of me joining is quite little. Enough to get me to repeat what it was that I'd said if they didn't catch it the first time.
I might be reading things wrong, but why overthink? This is my impression of what is going on. I don't care too much. = I'm an independent girl. = I'm cool enough to hang with.
Mum's going out to fetch Sophia now. I'm following for the ride!
Signed, Carmelia
Feeling, happy.
Thinking, .
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Thursday: SEX Gathering
So while I was busy completing my experiment reports, which were due a horrible few days ago, something thrust a clean, neatly folded piece of A4 paper, stapled in the middle, towards me.
President of Awesome,
Damai,
Basketball Court, 88300,
Kota Kinabalu.
__________________________________________
Upper 6 Science,
Pre-U Block,
2nd Floor, 88300,
Kota Kinabalu.
Dear member of Self-Expression Session-X (SEX)
You are invited to attend the SEX one in a lifetime gathering at the stated address on 16/4/2011 from about 9-11pm.
2. The objective of the gathering is to give you the opportunity to express your inner feeling towards one another. This is also to tighten the bond between members. This is important to maintain a good friendship.
3. Hope you can attend the gathering and enjoy yourself. Please reply your answer to the monitor of Upper 6 Science, Ding Dang (In Chinese). Thank You.
Sincerely,
( President of Awesome )
President of Awesome.
I'm not sure how to describe my feelings upon receiving such a letter.
The members, if no new members were grafted in or anyone kicked out, are the President of Awesome, Ding Dang (aka Doraemon), Jud, Feng, Chyng, Botak, Liang Zai, Leaf (President's girlfriend) & myself. I'm not using nicknames because we'd agreed on them or whatever. I just don't feel comfortable using their real names. It's not that this group is private or a secret, but... It just doesn't feel right to be parading about it.
Still, it feels good. I'm cautious, & maybe overtly suspicious of the possibility that this might end up something solid, but I cannot deny that it feels good. I'd call it an honor, being invited into a pack of most influential Sixth Formers, if it wasn't that forming cliches like this one is really not healthy. Unless it isn't what I think it is. Other than the Head Prefect & the Genius, we have basically the loudest, the most popular, the most feared, the most active, the prettiest, the smartest, the most social, of Sixth Formers in there.
What am I saying. We have? As though the pack owns its members now. Till Saturday, then! If my mum lets me stay out with them until 11.
Today was pretty good. My period came while I was in school, early in the morning. After that, my appetite went from that of a fat boy in Wonka's factory to that of a Girl's Generation girl- HOORAY!...
Intake:
1. Kuih.
2. Kuih.
3. Coffee + Milk + No Sugar
4. Cold nescafe drink.
5. :D
I borrowed Twilight from the library today too, but I couldn't read it properly. Maybe it's because I'm already biased against it. But it really seemed like something I'd love & write when I was fourteen- pitiful outcast girl who can't fit into society but somehow still manages to be slim & attractive & intelligent, so much so that she attracts the attention & soon, undying love of a tall, skinny, boyish, beautiful, handsome, strong, powerful vampire boy.
Oh, yeah, wish I was Bella.
Not to mention her name. Isabella Swan. If I were still fourteen, then I think I'd have totally worshiped this book.
Then again, I'm a jealous girl who hates when her ideas get published first by other people. So, probably not, tee hee.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, weird.
Thinking, I've only till 7.50 on the computer so better hurry up. Mei wanna watch her Autumn Concerto thingy online.
President of Awesome,
Damai,
Basketball Court, 88300,
Kota Kinabalu.
__________________________________________
Upper 6 Science,
Pre-U Block,
2nd Floor, 88300,
Kota Kinabalu.
Dear member of Self-Expression Session-X (SEX)
You are invited to attend the SEX one in a lifetime gathering at the stated address on 16/4/2011 from about 9-11pm.
2. The objective of the gathering is to give you the opportunity to express your inner feeling towards one another. This is also to tighten the bond between members. This is important to maintain a good friendship.
3. Hope you can attend the gathering and enjoy yourself. Please reply your answer to the monitor of Upper 6 Science, Ding Dang (In Chinese). Thank You.
Sincerely,
( President of Awesome )
President of Awesome.
I'm not sure how to describe my feelings upon receiving such a letter.
The members, if no new members were grafted in or anyone kicked out, are the President of Awesome, Ding Dang (aka Doraemon), Jud, Feng, Chyng, Botak, Liang Zai, Leaf (President's girlfriend) & myself. I'm not using nicknames because we'd agreed on them or whatever. I just don't feel comfortable using their real names. It's not that this group is private or a secret, but... It just doesn't feel right to be parading about it.
Still, it feels good. I'm cautious, & maybe overtly suspicious of the possibility that this might end up something solid, but I cannot deny that it feels good. I'd call it an honor, being invited into a pack of most influential Sixth Formers, if it wasn't that forming cliches like this one is really not healthy. Unless it isn't what I think it is. Other than the Head Prefect & the Genius, we have basically the loudest, the most popular, the most feared, the most active, the prettiest, the smartest, the most social, of Sixth Formers in there.
What am I saying. We have? As though the pack owns its members now. Till Saturday, then! If my mum lets me stay out with them until 11.
Today was pretty good. My period came while I was in school, early in the morning. After that, my appetite went from that of a fat boy in Wonka's factory to that of a Girl's Generation girl- HOORAY!...
Intake:
1. Kuih.
2. Kuih.
3. Coffee + Milk + No Sugar
4. Cold nescafe drink.
5. :D
I borrowed Twilight from the library today too, but I couldn't read it properly. Maybe it's because I'm already biased against it. But it really seemed like something I'd love & write when I was fourteen- pitiful outcast girl who can't fit into society but somehow still manages to be slim & attractive & intelligent, so much so that she attracts the attention & soon, undying love of a tall, skinny, boyish, beautiful, handsome, strong, powerful vampire boy.
Oh, yeah, wish I was Bella.
Not to mention her name. Isabella Swan. If I were still fourteen, then I think I'd have totally worshiped this book.
Then again, I'm a jealous girl who hates when her ideas get published first by other people. So, probably not, tee hee.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, weird.
Thinking, I've only till 7.50 on the computer so better hurry up. Mei wanna watch her Autumn Concerto thingy online.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Wednesday: Cuti Sendiri
I woke up at 5.30 this morning, & spent the next forty minutes wondering whether to go to school or not, while getting myself ready for school. I'd brushed my teeth, washed my face, put on everything except my PBSM uniform, got my bag ready...
Decided not to. Because I couldn't face having to go through the school day like every fifteen minutes is a hurdle to get through.
It's not THAT bad. Just a nagging, uncomfortable feeling inside myself that I can usually ignore. But yesterday was horrible. I went to bed at around 8.30, & I only got up & about this morning at 10+.
I don't know what's up. My period's not arriving. It's not unusual; my period comes at very erratic times- Something to be concerned about, I know. We'd been to see the doctor at the family planning centre (Okay, sounds like I got pregnant or something, but rest assured, none of my ova are fertilized) & I was asked to note down the times I start & end my period, as well as the conditions, i.e. any pain, amount.
I... Kind of forgot to. So I'll have to start over, for at least two months, before I can go see the doctor again.
I did some work today, at home. More than I'd do if I was at school, what with kokum & kolokium until 4.30. I'm missing out 5 merit marks for messing up my perfect attendance for April, 5 merit marks for kolokium today, & one signature for today's kokum meeting. I really, really thought about it before deciding not to go to school today. I needed the rest. I thought about it Tuesday, but I was not that sleepy & tired, & we had our class picture taken that day.
Went to youth just now, & spent some time catching up with the youth. That is, Kiren. We talked about how racist the students at IS can be, against the Indians. Then I asked about Emery, wondering how she is. She hasn't updated her blog in quite some time. Kiren said she was fine, though she doesn't like the school. Not surprising, I guess.
With Nigel being so hardworking & geared up &, you know, even 'up there' than the 'up there' he was before, I feel both motivated & pressured to do even better. To be more disciplined & proper-ish. I want to be able to be studying all the time, & not waste time hanging around. Even if I waste time hanging around, during school hours, I want to be on the books without slack. Get home & rest, or start on my homework, & not wait until night has fallen. Exercise! Eat healthy, not binge on doughnuts. Start being more responsible with my finances- Oh my gosh, everything's in a mess now.
I must not let my failures press me down. I must try again, & again, and again. If scolding myself doesn't work, then maybe encouraging myself & cutting myself some slack would. If that doesn't then maybe I'll get a good friend or two to help keep me in check, though I'd hate that. If that doesn't, then maybe I'll get my mum to help, which might kill our relationship so then again, maybe not. If that doesn't work, then maybe I'll try rewarding myself when I get through a day being disciplined & productive.
I can't help but contrast all these struggles with those times Nigel was around. There was a period last year, around... September, if I wasn't mistaken. We saw each other quite frequently. & the time during Melissa's birthday, when I was quite happy with just the proper lunch & dinner I had. No cravings, no 'wanting more', no guilty feelings. That was super awesome, people. The feeling of contentment, & yet wanting to do better & being confident of yourself, is super nice. Healthy, too.
Nowadays, sometimes it's like that, sometimes it's not. Mood swinging, much.
But overall, I'm happy. :) I'm looking forward to pushing myself & getting all excited for the mid-year examinations, because I'm not stupid & I can get good results, if only I get off my lazy butt. & I'm looking forward to Jinho's return, though it wouldn't be anytime before August. I think they're planning it as a surprise for the youth.
Most of all, I'm looking forward to Nigel's return home in June. I won't like the conflicts between my parents & I over the time I get to spend with Nigel with, but as long as he's back, it's all good. Sometimes I get so scared & excited about it, I actually withdraw & act all cool. That happens. Like the fire on the stove suddenly does a mini explosion & instead of dancing around screaming, I'd just look at it & every shock withdraws, allowing me to coolly evaluate the situation & quickly do the right thing.
It's both beneficial & bad. This way, sometimes I react wayyy too slowly. But then, I won't panic.
Okay, I should either go to bed now, or do some studying. Probably the former.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, hungry.
Thinking, the words I use might not be conveying how I really am. Who would know? I don't.
Decided not to. Because I couldn't face having to go through the school day like every fifteen minutes is a hurdle to get through.
It's not THAT bad. Just a nagging, uncomfortable feeling inside myself that I can usually ignore. But yesterday was horrible. I went to bed at around 8.30, & I only got up & about this morning at 10+.
I don't know what's up. My period's not arriving. It's not unusual; my period comes at very erratic times- Something to be concerned about, I know. We'd been to see the doctor at the family planning centre (Okay, sounds like I got pregnant or something, but rest assured, none of my ova are fertilized) & I was asked to note down the times I start & end my period, as well as the conditions, i.e. any pain, amount.
I... Kind of forgot to. So I'll have to start over, for at least two months, before I can go see the doctor again.
I did some work today, at home. More than I'd do if I was at school, what with kokum & kolokium until 4.30. I'm missing out 5 merit marks for messing up my perfect attendance for April, 5 merit marks for kolokium today, & one signature for today's kokum meeting. I really, really thought about it before deciding not to go to school today. I needed the rest. I thought about it Tuesday, but I was not that sleepy & tired, & we had our class picture taken that day.
Went to youth just now, & spent some time catching up with the youth. That is, Kiren. We talked about how racist the students at IS can be, against the Indians. Then I asked about Emery, wondering how she is. She hasn't updated her blog in quite some time. Kiren said she was fine, though she doesn't like the school. Not surprising, I guess.
With Nigel being so hardworking & geared up &, you know, even 'up there' than the 'up there' he was before, I feel both motivated & pressured to do even better. To be more disciplined & proper-ish. I want to be able to be studying all the time, & not waste time hanging around. Even if I waste time hanging around, during school hours, I want to be on the books without slack. Get home & rest, or start on my homework, & not wait until night has fallen. Exercise! Eat healthy, not binge on doughnuts. Start being more responsible with my finances- Oh my gosh, everything's in a mess now.
I must not let my failures press me down. I must try again, & again, and again. If scolding myself doesn't work, then maybe encouraging myself & cutting myself some slack would. If that doesn't then maybe I'll get a good friend or two to help keep me in check, though I'd hate that. If that doesn't, then maybe I'll get my mum to help, which might kill our relationship so then again, maybe not. If that doesn't work, then maybe I'll try rewarding myself when I get through a day being disciplined & productive.
I can't help but contrast all these struggles with those times Nigel was around. There was a period last year, around... September, if I wasn't mistaken. We saw each other quite frequently. & the time during Melissa's birthday, when I was quite happy with just the proper lunch & dinner I had. No cravings, no 'wanting more', no guilty feelings. That was super awesome, people. The feeling of contentment, & yet wanting to do better & being confident of yourself, is super nice. Healthy, too.
Nowadays, sometimes it's like that, sometimes it's not. Mood swinging, much.
But overall, I'm happy. :) I'm looking forward to pushing myself & getting all excited for the mid-year examinations, because I'm not stupid & I can get good results, if only I get off my lazy butt. & I'm looking forward to Jinho's return, though it wouldn't be anytime before August. I think they're planning it as a surprise for the youth.
Most of all, I'm looking forward to Nigel's return home in June. I won't like the conflicts between my parents & I over the time I get to spend with Nigel with, but as long as he's back, it's all good. Sometimes I get so scared & excited about it, I actually withdraw & act all cool. That happens. Like the fire on the stove suddenly does a mini explosion & instead of dancing around screaming, I'd just look at it & every shock withdraws, allowing me to coolly evaluate the situation & quickly do the right thing.
It's both beneficial & bad. This way, sometimes I react wayyy too slowly. But then, I won't panic.
Okay, I should either go to bed now, or do some studying. Probably the former.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, hungry.
Thinking, the words I use might not be conveying how I really am. Who would know? I don't.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Tuesday: PTE Meeting; Mum's Mood.
Persatuan Tingkatan Enam had a meeting at 3 today for Teacher's Day. Nothing much, only that I'm in charge of decorations, with Jonathan & three others. I wasn't involved, at first, but I wanted to help Jona out.
I'd missed out yesterday's blog entry T___T Partly because while I was online last night, mum threw a fit. Because the cups we used weren't washed.
I really don't know what the big deal is. Okay, I admit, I'd be very frustrated as well when something I want my siblings to do, like clean up a certain mess, isn't done after a few hours. But to throw a fit? To say things like- Like-
Okay. Enough. I don't have to rant about it now, & since Nigel already knows some of the details (He asked last night so I told him), I won't.
This gets me thinking, you know. Am I really that rebellious? It seems to me as though my friends never seem to fight with their parents like this. Or, if they do, they keep quite about it & I'd find out by this slip of tongue only. Whereas for me, I don't hide my frustration. Sometimes, I think I even come across as bitter. When they talk to me about how my mum treats us, usually, or like just now after school, when Jerry came to me at the canteen to ask about how I'm going to go home after my meeting.
"I don't know, how? I'm already eating now, meeting starts at 3, I can't drive you all home before coming back. Tu lah, this morning spent on being disagreeable instead of discussing matters like this."
Something like that. In front of my friends. I shouldn't have, I know. I sound really rude. Do I feel guilty, now? A bit. Not much. Because when my mum starts throwing things around, lashing out at us, at me, with those words- I hate it. I hate it so much I start throwing things as well, behind her back, but of course it's always loud enough that she hears & sees. But she doesn't scold, anymore, when I throw things or slam doors, after her own violent episodes. She'll scold if I do them when she asks me to do some chores or something, but not when she'd just threw a hurricane in the house. I guess she knows that since she couldn't control her own temper, she shouldn't be telling me to control mine.
I really try to control myself, I do. But it makes me so mad, so hurt, to hear what she says sometimes. We're to be blamed, yes, but do you really have to be so violent and mean, trying to show us the error of our ways or whatever?
Is it normal for mums to be that mean? I want to find out, but how can I get a clear picture without the truth being filtered by my friends' opinions?
I pity mum. I love her so, so much, for being a working mum, for loving a husband who was away from home the last ten years, for single-handedly raising her three kids, sending us to tuition, piano lessons, drum lessons, youth, church. For being both a working mum & a housewife. That' friggin' awesome, okay? Especially since we don't have a maid at home. For paying her tithes, & giving so much more, & yet she never stops us when we reach for her purse for more money everyday, for school. Sometimes she doesn't even question us. Every time we go out, we can just take cash from her purse.
She's freaking' awesome, my mum.
Maybe I should cut her some slack, and be more understanding. I shouldn't be angry the next time she launches into another one of her moods, but rather, be calm & obedient & be submissive. Pride shouldn't at all matter at home, when it's only mum & my siblings around.
Sigh. I will try. It's extremely hard, especially when those mean words come out, when it's not my fault, when it feels so unfair, when my things are being thrown around the house, when I'm already stressed our & miserable from homework & my stupid self.
I will try :D Patience is a virtue, girl!
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, fat.
Thinking, honour thy father & mother! But they shouldn't provoke us either.
I'd missed out yesterday's blog entry T___T Partly because while I was online last night, mum threw a fit. Because the cups we used weren't washed.
I really don't know what the big deal is. Okay, I admit, I'd be very frustrated as well when something I want my siblings to do, like clean up a certain mess, isn't done after a few hours. But to throw a fit? To say things like- Like-
Okay. Enough. I don't have to rant about it now, & since Nigel already knows some of the details (He asked last night so I told him), I won't.
This gets me thinking, you know. Am I really that rebellious? It seems to me as though my friends never seem to fight with their parents like this. Or, if they do, they keep quite about it & I'd find out by this slip of tongue only. Whereas for me, I don't hide my frustration. Sometimes, I think I even come across as bitter. When they talk to me about how my mum treats us, usually, or like just now after school, when Jerry came to me at the canteen to ask about how I'm going to go home after my meeting.
"I don't know, how? I'm already eating now, meeting starts at 3, I can't drive you all home before coming back. Tu lah, this morning spent on being disagreeable instead of discussing matters like this."
Something like that. In front of my friends. I shouldn't have, I know. I sound really rude. Do I feel guilty, now? A bit. Not much. Because when my mum starts throwing things around, lashing out at us, at me, with those words- I hate it. I hate it so much I start throwing things as well, behind her back, but of course it's always loud enough that she hears & sees. But she doesn't scold, anymore, when I throw things or slam doors, after her own violent episodes. She'll scold if I do them when she asks me to do some chores or something, but not when she'd just threw a hurricane in the house. I guess she knows that since she couldn't control her own temper, she shouldn't be telling me to control mine.
I really try to control myself, I do. But it makes me so mad, so hurt, to hear what she says sometimes. We're to be blamed, yes, but do you really have to be so violent and mean, trying to show us the error of our ways or whatever?
Is it normal for mums to be that mean? I want to find out, but how can I get a clear picture without the truth being filtered by my friends' opinions?
I pity mum. I love her so, so much, for being a working mum, for loving a husband who was away from home the last ten years, for single-handedly raising her three kids, sending us to tuition, piano lessons, drum lessons, youth, church. For being both a working mum & a housewife. That' friggin' awesome, okay? Especially since we don't have a maid at home. For paying her tithes, & giving so much more, & yet she never stops us when we reach for her purse for more money everyday, for school. Sometimes she doesn't even question us. Every time we go out, we can just take cash from her purse.
She's freaking' awesome, my mum.
Maybe I should cut her some slack, and be more understanding. I shouldn't be angry the next time she launches into another one of her moods, but rather, be calm & obedient & be submissive. Pride shouldn't at all matter at home, when it's only mum & my siblings around.
Sigh. I will try. It's extremely hard, especially when those mean words come out, when it's not my fault, when it feels so unfair, when my things are being thrown around the house, when I'm already stressed our & miserable from homework & my stupid self.
I will try :D Patience is a virtue, girl!
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, fat.
Thinking, honour thy father & mother! But they shouldn't provoke us either.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Sunday: 6th Monthsary
I'm so sad. Because the videos I tried to upload using five hours isn't uploaded yet, even now. Stupid blogger stupid computer stupid whatever that's making the upload take up so much time.
Sigh. No, I mustn't be scolding anything stupid. Sorry blogger, sorry computer.
Because today is a HAPPY day <3 6 months! Yeah yeah, not that big a deal but to me, it is, because 1. I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. 2. WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 6 WHOLE MONTHS. 3. HE LOVES ME.
I WIN.
I will try to upload the videos again tomorrow. I stayed up so late tonight because I really really wanted to get them uploaded today, even though I'm tired & I really need to go to sleep because tomorrow's a long, long day. I'd taken the videos Saturday night but couldn't upload them into the computer because the cable was in church.
Those videos are nothing much. Just me talking. But... Well, at least it's something <3
Oh, and Nigel told me he'd read my blogposts today. And that it was his first time logging into Blogger this year. Gasp.
He's really happy about the stuff I wrote for him. Which makes me, a very, very happy girlfriend <3
Signed, Carmelia
Feeling, happy <3
Thinking, I'm using a lot of hearties in this blogpost. Just goes to show, hee. <3
Sigh. No, I mustn't be scolding anything stupid. Sorry blogger, sorry computer.
Because today is a HAPPY day <3 6 months! Yeah yeah, not that big a deal but to me, it is, because 1. I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. 2. WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 6 WHOLE MONTHS. 3. HE LOVES ME.
I WIN.
I will try to upload the videos again tomorrow. I stayed up so late tonight because I really really wanted to get them uploaded today, even though I'm tired & I really need to go to sleep because tomorrow's a long, long day. I'd taken the videos Saturday night but couldn't upload them into the computer because the cable was in church.
Those videos are nothing much. Just me talking. But... Well, at least it's something <3
Oh, and Nigel told me he'd read my blogposts today. And that it was his first time logging into Blogger this year. Gasp.
He's really happy about the stuff I wrote for him. Which makes me, a very, very happy girlfriend <3
Signed, Carmelia
Feeling, happy <3
Thinking, I'm using a lot of hearties in this blogpost. Just goes to show, hee. <3
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Saturday: Library/Suria Outing
Woke up at six thirty.
Got up at eight. Yes, I overuse the snooze button.
Went about charging my laptop, Nigel's iPod, my camera, my X-Mini, before going online. I don't remember what I did online. Tumblr, probably. Then I realized it was almost nine & I rushed out.
Judith & Tze Feng weren't there yet so I went to Pick & Pay for some apples. Really good <3 Six for RM4.20. Or was it four. Blah.
So we went to the library first. Oh my gosh I wasted so MUCH petrol driving in circles. At least I didn't panic about it in the car, which would make the situation worse & get me into an accident. Every time I discovered I made a wrong turn, I just quickly push it out from my mind to concentrate on the road ahead.
I love the library. I love the books, the stories, the wealthy of information. World after world after world between paper & hardcovers. I have said before that I'd probably meet my husband-to-be in a library. I didn't, but Nigel loves reading too, and I am GLAD because I don't think I can stand my life partner not knowing just how- How wonderful books are.
Went for vegetarian meals at Centre Point. Liew Chai :D Mine was RM3.00. Very nice <3 Just thinking about it now makes me hungry. I can really live without meat :3 Which is good!
Went to Suria- And then I thought it was already 3pm when it was only 2pm so I left my friends at Suria, rushing to church, to find out WTHELLMESOSTUPID. Depressed. Angry. But it's okay- I got my Chemistry books out, bought some more doughnuts from the stall downstairs, & munched away doing a bit of revision. I shared a bag of twisties with Sean Nick & Leann Rose after that, bullying them by making them wash their hands after that before I give them some more. Because they were wiping their orange hands on their clothes T___T I'm so sorry, Sis Roslina.
Practice didn't end until five thirty. Went to fetch Judith & Tze Feng, sent them home, & got home. Ate stuff, took my shower, took some videos. Texted Nigel. Felt funny. Felt bad. Felt a little ignored sometimes. Felt speechless. Felt scared.
Oh, & Nicky Lee saw me at Suria while I drove past the main entrance to fetch Judith & Tze Feng :D He SMSed me, asking if I was driving a silver Avanza. Yup! At Suria? Yup! I didn't see him, a guy in red at the entrance. Too bad XD
Today was alright :) I'd rate today a 6 out of 10, because I got to go to the library, I got good food, & I got to spend time with my friends.
Tomorrow's the tenth. 6 months. I wonder if Nigel realizes, or even if it's important to him at all. Hm. I don't mean that in a sad, mean way. It's alright if it isn't important to him :) Boy's himself & I love boy.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, sad.
Thinking, the less demanding I am, the happier I will be.
Got up at eight. Yes, I overuse the snooze button.
Went about charging my laptop, Nigel's iPod, my camera, my X-Mini, before going online. I don't remember what I did online. Tumblr, probably. Then I realized it was almost nine & I rushed out.
Judith & Tze Feng weren't there yet so I went to Pick & Pay for some apples. Really good <3 Six for RM4.20. Or was it four. Blah.
So we went to the library first. Oh my gosh I wasted so MUCH petrol driving in circles. At least I didn't panic about it in the car, which would make the situation worse & get me into an accident. Every time I discovered I made a wrong turn, I just quickly push it out from my mind to concentrate on the road ahead.
I love the library. I love the books, the stories, the wealthy of information. World after world after world between paper & hardcovers. I have said before that I'd probably meet my husband-to-be in a library. I didn't, but Nigel loves reading too, and I am GLAD because I don't think I can stand my life partner not knowing just how- How wonderful books are.
Went for vegetarian meals at Centre Point. Liew Chai :D Mine was RM3.00. Very nice <3 Just thinking about it now makes me hungry. I can really live without meat :3 Which is good!
Went to Suria- And then I thought it was already 3pm when it was only 2pm so I left my friends at Suria, rushing to church, to find out WTHELLMESOSTUPID. Depressed. Angry. But it's okay- I got my Chemistry books out, bought some more doughnuts from the stall downstairs, & munched away doing a bit of revision. I shared a bag of twisties with Sean Nick & Leann Rose after that, bullying them by making them wash their hands after that before I give them some more. Because they were wiping their orange hands on their clothes T___T I'm so sorry, Sis Roslina.
Practice didn't end until five thirty. Went to fetch Judith & Tze Feng, sent them home, & got home. Ate stuff, took my shower, took some videos. Texted Nigel. Felt funny. Felt bad. Felt a little ignored sometimes. Felt speechless. Felt scared.
Oh, & Nicky Lee saw me at Suria while I drove past the main entrance to fetch Judith & Tze Feng :D He SMSed me, asking if I was driving a silver Avanza. Yup! At Suria? Yup! I didn't see him, a guy in red at the entrance. Too bad XD
Today was alright :) I'd rate today a 6 out of 10, because I got to go to the library, I got good food, & I got to spend time with my friends.
Tomorrow's the tenth. 6 months. I wonder if Nigel realizes, or even if it's important to him at all. Hm. I don't mean that in a sad, mean way. It's alright if it isn't important to him :) Boy's himself & I love boy.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, sad.
Thinking, the less demanding I am, the happier I will be.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Friday: Rou Rou's Wedding
I'm tired & I feel like just Tumblring until I fall on the bed & sleep. But I should try to blog something, even if just a few words about my day. I must try to be consistent. Who knows, one day Nigel might want to read back on all my diary entries. I'd missed out a few days, I think. I shouldn't miss out another night. Especially since tonight, we went for a wedding. The last time we went to a wedding as grand as this one was when Uncle William & Aunt Joyce got married. Honestly, their wedding is much grander, but since I was still quite blurred & young at the time, I didn't enjoy it as much as I enjoyed tonight's wedding. Throughout the wedding just now, I'd texted Nigel. Things worth noting: 1. He wants NO Chinese karaoke during our wedding reception. 2. He wants loads of pictures & videos so that we'd be able to watch them during our honeymoon with our friends. 3. He'd like loads of performances, & would probably get friends to run it. 4. He won't drink. He's not one to make a fool of himself on his wedding night. And I am glad. The emotion I feel when I think about us getting married, or maybe just life together in general, is almost akin to fear. Adrenaline? I don' t know for sure what it is I feel. It's almost painful, and yet, I like it a lot. How many people I know would ever have any idea of how wonderful it is to... to know. That you'll be sharing the rest of your life with someone you truly, utterly love. Someone you've committed yourself to, & will continue to commit to, regardless of how they turn out or whether they're good for you or good to you. The one person who is the other main character in your life, the one whom the plot is centered around- And you're blessed enough, lucky enough to know that he loves you as well, enough to promise you, to commit to you. My boy plans for his wedding & honeymoon. More than I do, more any any girl I know. He'd told an audience that what he wanted to do in the future was to get married, in all seriousness, to their amusement. He always keeps in mind that he has to have a stable income before anything happens. He'd used to stay awake at nights, thinking about his future. A future that involves a... family. If I am not mistaken. A future centered around a wife & a family. & it's unbelievable to me, that I am his girl. Times like these when realization hits me with the force of a heartache, breaks me down & strengthens me almost immediately. Moments of doubt, insecurity, peeves, fear- Everything is erased. I know I am not enough. I really am not enough. That day, going into his home to borrow his pendrive- & afterwards he'd told me the impact seeing me had on him. I was this unconfident, insecure, plain biscuit, & he'd fallen in love with me. Signed, Carmelia. Feeling, quiet. Thinking, if there'd ever be another after you, boy, he'd have to settle for a minister's spot after the throne you sit on now.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Thursday: Ceramah
So today we didn't have classes. Instead, after a little bit of General Studies (We're on the Dasar-Dasar Dalam Negara) we headed to the school hall with our bags in tow at 7.30 for a day-long talk that the Lembaga Sekolah supposedly paid 'Beribu-ribu' for. Yesterday was for the Form 3 students; today, it was for the SPM & STPM candidates. The speaker was an Ezone Constantine. In short, he was a CRAZY, confident, Sino-Kadazan... story-teller. That's the main thing about him: he tells stories very well. Not perfectly, because sometimes when he acts out how people put him down it becomes a bit draggy & repetitive, but otherwise, superbly hilarious & interactive. Basically he came from a 'disaster' family. His father's first wife left her family, inclusive of Ezone's step sister & step brother, so he remarried. Ezone's mum. Five new boys in the family. Step elder siblings hate them. So a lot of drama. Ezone was very open. He'd talked about things like death, underage sex, his friend Chong getting another friend, Farah, pregnant. Porn... Of course, these are only a small part of what he talked about. He mostly focused on how he'd turned from a nobody gangster to someone who'd won the State level English Competition against all odds & represented Malaysia at the Asia Open for the high jump event. It wasn't a day wasted, for me. Even though the talk wasn't practical for those of us who were already kia-su & motivated to get straight As (He was mainly a motivator, not a teacher of ways to study) we'd enjoyed it very much. Intake: 1. One bread + chocolate (120) 2. Fried rice + Veggetables (300) 3. Coffee (80) 4. Mango Smoothie (150) 5. Doughnut (80) 6. Three kuih (240) 7. Macaroni (300) Total intake: 1270 Ugh. Well, at least that's the maximum calorie estimate. The real figure should be somewhere near 1000 but not over 1100... I hope. It sucks, not knowing for sure how much calories something has. Only the coffee I'm sure of. It's okay. I haven't gained, recently. Neither did I lose, but it's okay. Instead of going overboard... Overboard. What would overboard be? I'm going to make myself stay back after school to study. I haven't been working hard at all recently, whereas my boy in KL is going overdrive. I feel bad, jealous, envious, scared- & also proud, happy, glad, full of admiration :) It's good for Nigel, & I'm truly glad he has friends, good friends, to work on his projects & studies with. I'm only scared that I'll eat too much tomorrow, being in school & having to study. Whenever I think about studying, I crave, crave so badly for food... Please, Carmelia. Control. Otherwise, I'll call for help. Jona, Ashrul, Judith, Tze Feng- I'd rather not, but if I have to, I will. Oh, and Abigail returned my prefect skirts today, & gave me four Hershey's. Darling <3 I didn't have any, though. Expensive chocolates, I don't... Eat mysel.f. I binge on cheap, bulky food. Not petite, expensive candy. I'll also be helping the school's drama team :D Cikgu Vera gave me the script for some tweaking. It's a good script! By Douglas (Debate team member & also the only Cheerleader Boy). I feel useful, yay. Signed, Carmelia Feeling, fine. Thinking, you know what they say; life ain't always easy, & everyday, we're survivors.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Wednesday: MUET Speaking Exam
It went alright. Better than our practices, but not better than I hoped it'd be. Still, I'm extremely grateful for my super wonderful group members. Angus, Ashrul & CSF were dedicated to our practices, fun to be with, & always willing to listen & forgive me when I become too bossy.
So when I bake the sample cupcakes for Rowena (for our fundraiser) I will give them to those three boys. Not much, but I should show them that, you know. I appreciate them so much, for being good fellow candidates, for being good friends.
All those years, plotting & writing my stories, I'd dreamt of being part of something solid. The idea of having an inner circle who'd never say die, who's always be there, was almost divine to me. Share anything, everything. You hit me, we hit you. How romantic, how utterly heroic.
But now, it hit me hard that: to get there, there's a lot of things that you have to go through as acquaintances, friends, good friends- Things that are not romantic at all. Fights. Breaking of trusts. Time spent. Sacrifices. Risk of humiliation.
Unless, of course, you find people who are almost... Your soul mates. Is it possible? To meet people who simply click with you, even though you don't talk much with each other, or don't spend so much time with each other. People whom you trust straightaway, & vice versa, because somehow, something clicked. You feel as though you understand them, they understand you. You feel, it's all cool, & you hang out, but at the same time, there's something deeper inside.
Maybe this is all wistful thinking. I'm using the word 'something' too many times; everything's so vague here. Is it just me, or are we actually... Bonding, in class?
They'd, in a way, used their private lingo to invite me into their world, today. I'm flattered, I'm pleased. I feel proud of it, honestly. But I'm also scared, skeptical. & I also know that cliques are not good, & it'll hurt the others around that feel pushed aside.
But if it is real, if it's one of those inner circles I'd been writing & dreaming about, for so long... I wouldn't mind getting hurt, just to watch one of those stories unfold.
Some other news: Ate so much today that I don't feel like talking or typing about it now. It's only going to make me feel depressed. Bottom line: I think I had over 1500 kcal today. What the hell is wrong with me.
Signed, Carmelia
Feeling, fat.
Thinking, I wish I am next to you right now, darling.
But now, it hit me hard that: to get there, there's a lot of things that you have to go through as acquaintances, friends, good friends- Things that are not romantic at all. Fights. Breaking of trusts. Time spent. Sacrifices. Risk of humiliation.
Unless, of course, you find people who are almost... Your soul mates. Is it possible? To meet people who simply click with you, even though you don't talk much with each other, or don't spend so much time with each other. People whom you trust straightaway, & vice versa, because somehow, something clicked. You feel as though you understand them, they understand you. You feel, it's all cool, & you hang out, but at the same time, there's something deeper inside.
Maybe this is all wistful thinking. I'm using the word 'something' too many times; everything's so vague here. Is it just me, or are we actually... Bonding, in class?
They'd, in a way, used their private lingo to invite me into their world, today. I'm flattered, I'm pleased. I feel proud of it, honestly. But I'm also scared, skeptical. & I also know that cliques are not good, & it'll hurt the others around that feel pushed aside.
But if it is real, if it's one of those inner circles I'd been writing & dreaming about, for so long... I wouldn't mind getting hurt, just to watch one of those stories unfold.
Some other news: Ate so much today that I don't feel like talking or typing about it now. It's only going to make me feel depressed. Bottom line: I think I had over 1500 kcal today. What the hell is wrong with me.
Signed, Carmelia
Feeling, fat.
Thinking, I wish I am next to you right now, darling.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Monday: MUET Speaking
We stayed back to practice for MUET speaking today. Tomorrow is the BIG DAY. So we stayed, talked, had a few more rounds of discussions, & ended up laughing our heads off, chatting about weight loss & weight gain (In English, of course), killing each other with words & with jokes.
It's a little unbelievable, because they are all boys- Angus, Ashrul & Chang Sin Fung.
While watching the Bomba Fire Extinguishing demonstration today, I ended up amongst the boys, because I was sitting with the boys during the talk in the school hall. Lum Sze Mun called out from the other side, "Ei! You don't mind meh, being with the boys?" I looked around, realized that I was the only girl there, & shrugged. No, I didn't mind.
Suddenly Jason turned around from where he was crouching in front of me, hand held up for hi-five. "Um...?"
"You don't mind being surrounded by guys."
WELL. I thought that it was obviously COOL to be a girl who can hang out with boys. I thought that it was actually not good for a girl to hang out with boys, because people will say that she wants their attention. Especially the boys. I thought boys wouldn't like hanging around girls because girls are quite boring. I acknowledge that I am.
What I had today:
1. Green tea (0 kcal)
2. Biscuits (130 kcal)
3. Rice + Pumpkin + Veggie (300 kcal)
4. Six Banana Dough Thingies (500 kcal)
5. Small chocolate cake (80 kcal)
(Estimated, maximum total intake: 1010 kcal)
So no more intake for me today!
I see a pattern. I eat mostly what people consider are 'needless' food- Doughnuts, cake, biscuits... I rarely look for a full meal, complete with mee, rice, veggies, stuff. I think it's because I don't really eat to fill up my stomach. I eat to... Eat. Finishing a plateful of food in a go isn't enjoyable, as to munching on biscuits or kuih.
But if I want to get down to 55 again by this Friday, I'll have to be disciplined.
I've enlisted Ashrul's help! If I don't get down to 55 kilograms by this Friday, he will get to keep my pendrive, my darling, bunny, orange carrot pendrive, filled with GOOD MUSIC, until Monday. Or until I get down to 55 kilograms.
I think I'll be able to get down to 54 kilograms by then, based on my experiences in the past. It's important, because I have a wedding to attend that night. Relatives abound. I hate being ignored by them, or to have them say "OH SO BIG AH." I wouldn't mind if I was anti-social, like in the past. But when I become to eager to please, & I get that kind of treatment, it hurts bad.
Four more days till our 6-months. Only 6 months, but... It feels so long already.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, determined but weak.
Thinking, PLEASE don't eat... But I think I feel my defenses crumbling.
It's a little unbelievable, because they are all boys- Angus, Ashrul & Chang Sin Fung.
While watching the Bomba Fire Extinguishing demonstration today, I ended up amongst the boys, because I was sitting with the boys during the talk in the school hall. Lum Sze Mun called out from the other side, "Ei! You don't mind meh, being with the boys?" I looked around, realized that I was the only girl there, & shrugged. No, I didn't mind.
Suddenly Jason turned around from where he was crouching in front of me, hand held up for hi-five. "Um...?"
"You don't mind being surrounded by guys."
WELL. I thought that it was obviously COOL to be a girl who can hang out with boys. I thought that it was actually not good for a girl to hang out with boys, because people will say that she wants their attention. Especially the boys. I thought boys wouldn't like hanging around girls because girls are quite boring. I acknowledge that I am.
What I had today:
1. Green tea (0 kcal)
2. Biscuits (130 kcal)
3. Rice + Pumpkin + Veggie (300 kcal)
4. Six Banana Dough Thingies (500 kcal)
5. Small chocolate cake (80 kcal)
(Estimated, maximum total intake: 1010 kcal)
So no more intake for me today!
I see a pattern. I eat mostly what people consider are 'needless' food- Doughnuts, cake, biscuits... I rarely look for a full meal, complete with mee, rice, veggies, stuff. I think it's because I don't really eat to fill up my stomach. I eat to... Eat. Finishing a plateful of food in a go isn't enjoyable, as to munching on biscuits or kuih.
But if I want to get down to 55 again by this Friday, I'll have to be disciplined.
I've enlisted Ashrul's help! If I don't get down to 55 kilograms by this Friday, he will get to keep my pendrive, my darling, bunny, orange carrot pendrive, filled with GOOD MUSIC, until Monday. Or until I get down to 55 kilograms.
I think I'll be able to get down to 54 kilograms by then, based on my experiences in the past. It's important, because I have a wedding to attend that night. Relatives abound. I hate being ignored by them, or to have them say "OH SO BIG AH." I wouldn't mind if I was anti-social, like in the past. But when I become to eager to please, & I get that kind of treatment, it hurts bad.
Four more days till our 6-months. Only 6 months, but... It feels so long already.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, determined but weak.
Thinking, PLEASE don't eat... But I think I feel my defenses crumbling.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Monday: Cheerleading
Was good :D Not as good as I wanted it to be, but the girls were quite sporting. I'd divided them into groups (Pink, Orange, Red, Purple, Blue) & told them to come up with cheers. They really surprised me- SO much better than I'd expected <3
I'm trying to stop myself from eating through sheer will now. No one around to stop me. I hate my appetite so much. Chang Sin Fung told us about how he'd been losing weight recently, despite eating so much. As if that was a bad thing. Screw. I wish I wish I wish- but in the end it doesn't matter what I wish. I have to go do it. No use being lenient to myself about it, yeah?
Another reason why I want to lose weight: Reduce breast size. I want to be able to jump, tumble, stretch, dance, play outside- And not worry about my chest exercising on its own. YUCKS.
So far, what I had for today:
1. Green tea (0 kcal)
2. Iced toffee drink (100 kcal)
3. Rice + Diluted Curry Sauce + Veggies (300 kcal)
4. Three doughnuts (240 kcal)
5. Two biscuits (100 kcal)
Total: 740 kcal
Those calorie estimates are at their highest possible. 740 kcal is... Alright. As long as I don't have any more today, then there'll be a deficit, I'm sure, of at least 200 kcal (assuming my maintenance metabolism stands at around 1100 kcal)
The lunch I had should logically contain more calories, but I didn't finish the rice, the curry sauce was REALLY diluted, & the veggies are little. If you know our school canteens, you'll believe me when I say little.
...This is kind of making me feel down. I should probably go drink some green tea & rest before tuition later. My weight's up recently. I hope it's due to the food inside me & not... the... fat. Oh sweet nibblets. I don't wanna get depressed again.
Signed, Carmelia
Feeling, unhappy.
Thinking, just MAKE yourself do the things you should, stupid girl.
I'm trying to stop myself from eating through sheer will now. No one around to stop me. I hate my appetite so much. Chang Sin Fung told us about how he'd been losing weight recently, despite eating so much. As if that was a bad thing. Screw. I wish I wish I wish- but in the end it doesn't matter what I wish. I have to go do it. No use being lenient to myself about it, yeah?
Another reason why I want to lose weight: Reduce breast size. I want to be able to jump, tumble, stretch, dance, play outside- And not worry about my chest exercising on its own. YUCKS.
So far, what I had for today:
1. Green tea (0 kcal)
2. Iced toffee drink (100 kcal)
3. Rice + Diluted Curry Sauce + Veggies (300 kcal)
4. Three doughnuts (240 kcal)
5. Two biscuits (100 kcal)
Total: 740 kcal
Those calorie estimates are at their highest possible. 740 kcal is... Alright. As long as I don't have any more today, then there'll be a deficit, I'm sure, of at least 200 kcal (assuming my maintenance metabolism stands at around 1100 kcal)
The lunch I had should logically contain more calories, but I didn't finish the rice, the curry sauce was REALLY diluted, & the veggies are little. If you know our school canteens, you'll believe me when I say little.
...This is kind of making me feel down. I should probably go drink some green tea & rest before tuition later. My weight's up recently. I hope it's due to the food inside me & not... the... fat. Oh sweet nibblets. I don't wanna get depressed again.
Signed, Carmelia
Feeling, unhappy.
Thinking, just MAKE yourself do the things you should, stupid girl.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Weekend: Qing Ming Jie
Visited the graveyards.
I should have a lot to talk about, but now I don't think I have the time & the mental... thingy, to be doing any description of it justice. A kinda frazzled.
It was better than alright, I guess, our trip to Sipitang this time. Just came back from tuition, which I enjoyed so much, I didn't look at the time, not even once.
When Nigel texted me about his application to be a PR in Australia (he's going to the Commissioner thingy tomorrow), I felt weirdly... Bad. Worried? Scared? I'm not sure.
I hope I'll wake up tomorrow morning & be strong enough to force myself to jump rope. I want to exercise, I want to see my weight going down, going down, down down.
A little stressed out about our Community Service thing on Wednesday, which is also MUET speaking day, & not to mention... There's something else going on but I think I'd forgotten. Friday is wedding of a relative, who is so freaking fair I'm jealous. Oh, & this Easter event thing which I have to catch up about with the youths.
I really hope Nigel gets better. I resent the mamak stall so much. I know I should be understanding & all that but... I just resent it. I feel so helpless when my boy's in pain or worried or feeling bad.
Signed, Carmelia.
Thinking, frazzled & I think I typed this wrongly. Feeling should come first.
Feeling, frazzled.
I should have a lot to talk about, but now I don't think I have the time & the mental... thingy, to be doing any description of it justice. A kinda frazzled.
It was better than alright, I guess, our trip to Sipitang this time. Just came back from tuition, which I enjoyed so much, I didn't look at the time, not even once.
When Nigel texted me about his application to be a PR in Australia (he's going to the Commissioner thingy tomorrow), I felt weirdly... Bad. Worried? Scared? I'm not sure.
I hope I'll wake up tomorrow morning & be strong enough to force myself to jump rope. I want to exercise, I want to see my weight going down, going down, down down.
A little stressed out about our Community Service thing on Wednesday, which is also MUET speaking day, & not to mention... There's something else going on but I think I'd forgotten. Friday is wedding of a relative, who is so freaking fair I'm jealous. Oh, & this Easter event thing which I have to catch up about with the youths.
I really hope Nigel gets better. I resent the mamak stall so much. I know I should be understanding & all that but... I just resent it. I feel so helpless when my boy's in pain or worried or feeling bad.
Signed, Carmelia.
Thinking, frazzled & I think I typed this wrongly. Feeling should come first.
Feeling, frazzled.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Friday: Fun Fun Fun
I missed out on blogging about yesterday so here it is!
Again, not much. Or rather, a lot, but since I'm only recalling stuff now, & I have to go Sipitang in less than ten minutes, I think I'll just go through the highlights.
Well... What sticks to my mind the most about yesterday was the phone call I made to Nigel last night. It was fun. Annoying, but fun. It's rare that we get to talk and talk and I feel like, you know, there's someone on the line that I don't have to feel pressured to please.
Since I'll be away today, I won't be blogging about today tod...today. Err. Yeah. :D
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, happy.
Thinking, yeahhh so far portion control, so good.
Again, not much. Or rather, a lot, but since I'm only recalling stuff now, & I have to go Sipitang in less than ten minutes, I think I'll just go through the highlights.
Well... What sticks to my mind the most about yesterday was the phone call I made to Nigel last night. It was fun. Annoying, but fun. It's rare that we get to talk and talk and I feel like, you know, there's someone on the line that I don't have to feel pressured to please.
Since I'll be away today, I won't be blogging about today tod...today. Err. Yeah. :D
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, happy.
Thinking, yeahhh so far portion control, so good.
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