Friday: Good Friday

Instead of recording today's incidents properly, I'll just bullet everything. Or, at least, categorize stuff.

1. I have never played the piano for a church service so well before. I had to put heart into it because Berto wasn't around to play the drums, & the guitarist & bassist (Tony & Nicholas) weren't... Loud or fast enough to bring up the music. Sister Suk kept asking us to quicken the pace, so that it won't be boring. I understand that, but I half died trying to bring up the tempo when the singers themselves (Sister Suk was leading) & the other two musicians weren't... Joining in.

2. Drama practice from 5 to 8 just now was really good. We made a lot of progress. I felt bad & super anxious at first. There was a lot of work left. The transformation scene for me- Well, I didn't have anything dressy enough that was modest enough. I couldn't wear some of my more classy outfits because they were a little bit more revealing than should be allowed up there, in front of the church congregation. Then, the music. Some of the music we used were worldly music. I felt uneasy about playing worldly music in the sanctuary. We had a drunk party scene. I suppose it could be justified. But it still didn't seem right. We need more time to find a Christian piece that sounded techno enough. Time. Also, Kiren was very lax. She was very open to ideas, which was super. But then, sometimes I felt like, we weren't acting well enough. No guidance. And some other stuff. All in all I felt like the whole drama was wrong.

But I couldn't give up. I was so tempted to just throw in the towel as the main character- Nicely, of course. Nevertheless, experience has told me that it'd hurt them very much, not to mention bring down their spirits.

So I made myself forget it. Whatever happens, happens. I cannot be such a perfectionist. So what if I'm the main character of a less-than-good drama? As long I did my part. So I did. I gave a lot into playing my character.

3. There was a very good vibe between pa and I today. I'd talked to him over the phone about where we were going for lunch- a small matter. But I sounded cheerful, & pa, well, he was too. It takes two to tango, as they say. During lunch, when we came home, it was... good. It wasn't like we suddenly became friends or anything like that. But I felt happy with pa around. This doesn't happen all the time, so I'm thankful.

Pa likes making us happy. Sometimes, he doesn't give me what I want, like helping me to reload, or getting me a new phone quickly. I get mad. But the times he'd spend a hundred bucks on us, especially on meals, I'd feel... Touched. I'd feel angry when Jerry & Sophia don't finish their food, just because they don't like it. Or force pa to go somewhere else when pa feels like eating fish or something.

4. Got absorbed in Garth Nix again. Mum is worried that I don't study. I do too. The desire to escape is great, though.

5. Teacher's Day is coming around. I have this idea where Nana and I can work together to come up with gifts for teachers like Cikgu Yong (she'd taught us BM at tuition for four years), Cikgu Lim (Additional Math tuition teacher) & Cikgu Victoria (English teacher). Partly because it's about time I thanked these teachers properly, & also, I want to spend time with Nana. And maybe, feel like I'm back in my upper form days again. I miss.

6. Intake:

a) Apple
b) Coffee
c) Banana
d) Beef
e) Ice Cream
f) 3 Doughnuts
g) Apple
h) Fish

I was frustrated that Nigel said he was disappointed in me for having the fish. I'd justified myself by saying that, pa had paid a lot for that meal. They'd left some just for me, even though I'd went off to look at stuff in some shop nearby, so that I wouldn't eat. They'd still left some anyway. I decided to just have the fish, since it couldn't be taken away, whereas the other stuff were dry & could be tapau-ed.

I didn't finish the mouthful I had when Nigel texted me, that he was a little disappointed in me. I spat it out into a wet tissue surreptiously. & I felt bad, and a little annoyed. To be able to boast to my friends about how Nigel would love me no matter what size I was or how ugly I become, is a desire. I know he does, regardless. He did, actually. But I couldn't tell that to people, not yet. They wouldn't believe me.

Whatever, though. I'm glad he pushes me. I'm very glad. One of my best qualities is how quickly I forgive & forget- Or at least, I remember deeds, but the doer I'll always love. I'm good at justifying faults of other people. But in a way, it destroys me, because then I learn to justify my own faults, my own slack.

I have never been a perfectionist. Maybe in little ways, like rewriting when I think my handwriting isn't good enough, or completely abandoning a project or assignment if I couldn't do it perfectly. Other than that, I don't berate myself when I get low marks for a subject, or when I don't handle a situation well enough. I forgive myself too easily.

So it's good that I have someone who pushes me. It hurts, but it's good. No more justifications. Even if it affects my energy level during classes. Even if I feel faint. Even if I become depressed & moody. Even if my stomach hurts. Even if I have to sleep off the hunger.

Because when I get to that goal weight, it's going to feel so damn good.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, tired.
Thinking, I should stop feeling like I have to compete with the other girls in his life, shouldn't I?