Tuesday: PTE Meeting; Mum's Mood.

Persatuan Tingkatan Enam had a meeting at 3 today for Teacher's Day. Nothing much, only that I'm in charge of decorations, with Jonathan & three others. I wasn't involved, at first, but I wanted to help Jona out.

I'd missed out yesterday's blog entry T___T Partly because while I was online last night, mum threw a fit. Because the cups we used weren't washed.

I really don't know what the big deal is. Okay, I admit, I'd be very frustrated as well when something I want my siblings to do, like clean up a certain mess, isn't done after a few hours. But to throw a fit? To say things like- Like-

Okay. Enough. I don't have to rant about it now, & since Nigel already knows some of the details (He asked last night so I told him), I won't.

This gets me thinking, you know. Am I really that rebellious? It seems to me as though my friends never seem to fight with their parents like this. Or, if they do, they keep quite about it & I'd find out by this slip of tongue only. Whereas for me, I don't hide my frustration. Sometimes, I think I even come across as bitter. When they talk to me about how my mum treats us, usually, or like just now after school, when Jerry came to me at the canteen to ask about how I'm going to go home after my meeting.

"I don't know, how? I'm already eating now, meeting starts at 3, I can't drive you all home before coming back. Tu lah, this morning spent on being disagreeable instead of discussing matters like this."

Something like that. In front of my friends. I shouldn't have, I know. I sound really rude. Do I feel guilty, now? A bit. Not much. Because when my mum starts throwing things around, lashing out at us, at me, with those words- I hate it. I hate it so much I start throwing things as well, behind her back, but of course it's always loud enough that she hears & sees. But she doesn't scold, anymore, when I throw things or slam doors, after her own violent episodes. She'll scold if I do them when she asks me to do some chores or something, but not when she'd just threw a hurricane in the house. I guess she knows that since she couldn't control her own temper, she shouldn't be telling me to control mine.

I really try to control myself, I do. But it makes me so mad, so hurt, to hear what she says sometimes. We're to be blamed, yes, but do you really have to be so violent and mean, trying to show us the error of our ways or whatever?

Is it normal for mums to be that mean? I want to find out, but how can I get a clear picture without the truth being filtered by my friends' opinions?

I pity mum. I love her so, so much, for being a working mum, for loving a husband who was away from home the last ten years, for single-handedly raising her three kids, sending us to tuition, piano lessons, drum lessons, youth, church. For being both a working mum & a housewife. That' friggin' awesome, okay? Especially since we don't have a maid at home. For paying her tithes, & giving so much more, & yet she never stops us when we reach for her purse for more money everyday, for school. Sometimes she doesn't even question us. Every time we go out, we can just take cash from her purse.

She's freaking' awesome, my mum.

Maybe I should cut her some slack, and be more understanding. I shouldn't be angry the next time she launches into another one of her moods, but rather, be calm & obedient & be submissive. Pride shouldn't at all matter at home, when it's only mum & my siblings around.

Sigh. I will try. It's extremely hard, especially when those mean words come out, when it's not my fault, when it feels so unfair, when my things are being thrown around the house, when I'm already stressed our & miserable from homework & my stupid self.

I will try :D Patience is a virtue, girl!

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, fat.
Thinking, honour thy father & mother! But they shouldn't provoke us either.