Monday: Fasting

I failed yesterday. Tasted the cupcakes I baked for Rowena.

I failed today too. Had a little icing when I got home & a few bites of shredded cabbage.

What did I fail? My FASTING.

My five days have not started yet, then. I must go without any solid food for five days STRAIGHT. Otherwise I fail & I will not be able to eat happy or study well.

Yes, I cannot concentrate on my Math or Chemistry or whatever while this fast isn't done.

This isn't a fast devoted to prayer, though. This is a fast to lose weight, & to lose it fast.

I know. Crash diet. Dangerous. Won't work. I've heard it all & truth be told, I'm kind of apprehensive about advices now. Not that I don't feel loved & cared for when people advise me. But I just don't believe any of those stuff now. At least, most of it. What I need now isn't logic or facts (or not). What I need now is discipline.

& I'm getting there. I'd managed to get through school today, until four ten, without a bite of anything. Just some clear soup & green tea & coffee. & sugarfree chewing gum. It's gradual, but the determination builds up. Who knows, tomorrow I might make it. The entire day, without food. Then it'd be a strike one.

Let's see.

It's difficult to go without food, especially when people keep telling you to eat. Some say I'm crazy, some day I don't need to. & I know by the time I enter the third day, my parents are definitely going to sound. But most of all is the craving. Not the hunger- I actually enjoy the acidic muscle pain- but the craving. For something savory, or something sweet, or something filling, or hot- It differs, it always changes.

To distract myself from all that, I read. Recently I'd absorbed Garth Nix's The Seventh Tower series- Something intense enough to draw me into another world, but yet not so heavy duty i.e. Keys to the Kingdom, also by Garth Nix. Nancy Drew is fine too, but it gets boring at times. I'd got addicted to Sammy Keyes, but I'd finished reading the few Sammy Keyes books the school library has. I wish I could visit the state library- I'd be able to just stay there for hours, reading, instead of feeling all deprived & depressed. That'd be... So awesome.

Reading Garth Nix just makes me want to write again.

Thinking about how I must not start writing until my STPM is over always sets off an odd thought, a quiet feeling. Something along the lines of, if I should die now, or anytime soon, & I had time to think about my life... I wouldn't feel contentment at its best.

Because I haven't finished any story. Nothing of mine was ever finished, save a few one-shots & articles, mere shadow trickles of the giants of worlds in my mind.

& because, Nigel wouldn't be able to keep his promise, to take me as his wife.

Once upon a time, a deathbed resentment like that would've drawn something like a half-smile from me. That was a long time ago. When you've grasped the idea of sharing your future exclusively with another, single being, not doing so would feel like half the sun is missing.



But I wouldn't be completely incomplete, if I were to die now. I have Jesus. Distant as I feel from Him sometimes, He's always my first love, the One I've let down so many, many times, but still loves me so much. The one I talk to when I get scared at nights, when I start thinking too much.

And also, I'd have experienced one of the best things in life. I found the other main character in the story of my life.



Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, angry.
Thinking, discipline discipline discipline. Be like Milla!