Stuff I wanna do! INSTANTANEOUS TYPE OUT NO DELETES (Other than spelling mistakes)

1. Dye my hair red.

2. Learn bass.

3. Learn drum.

4. Record in a studio.

5. Write my own songs.

6. Write a book.

7. Write many books.

8. Produce comic series.

9. Learn the art of making people laugh.

10. Learn how phone works and how to fix them.

11. Maintain a good blog.

12. Take many many pictures.

13. Learn to cook lasagna.

14. Learn to cook many things from scratch.

15. Know the difference between Mozart, Beethoven, Chopin and all those classical music people.

16. Improve spelling.

17. Improve vocabulary.

18. Finish reading the bible.

19. Finish reading the dictionary.

20. Spend an entire day at the library.

21. Learn to make awesome chocolate lava cake.

22. Lose 10 kilgrams.

23. Have a kick-ass body.

24. Take pictures of kick-ass body in a tasteful manner and post on Tumblr.

25. Maintain a good Tumblr blog.

26. Be Tumblr famous-ish.

27. Be super fan of Studio Ghibli.

28. Visit Studio Ghibli museum in Japan.

29. Visit Venice.

30. Have safsdafsadfsexasdfdsfsdaf in Venice (This is totally random but like I said I'm not deleting anything. Afterthought: Hopefully you are all, you know. Of age. After-after-thought: Hiding the word.)

31. Learn Jazz.

32. Go clubbing.

33. Go to a club & just sit there & look cool.

34. Paint walls. Paint many walls.

35. Draw on sidewalks.

36. Practice typing so that I type very very fast.

37. Get a tattoo on my wrist.

38. Have a feather necklace.

39. Own a dog, a cute little furry one or a super huge Doberman/Alsatian that can protect me.

40. Have an awesome room that people talk about after they leave it.

41. Learn to make videos.

42. Post videos on Youtube and be a totally famous-ish Youtuber.

43. Have an account in 4Chan.

44. Go wall climbing.

45. GO swimming in the sea- BUT the sea has to be transparent & clear with no rubbish.

46. Perm my hair into gorgeous curls.

47. Find a look that suits me wearing a beanie.

48. Learn Ta Chi.

49. Learn karate.

50. Pierce lip. (OH NO I'M BECOMING A BAD GIRL SAVE ME)

51. Wear a tuxedo.

52. Learn to roller-skate.

43. Learn to draw animals.

44. Be notoriously famous for an insanely cheerful nature.

45. Learn boxing so I can punch guys and it'll actually hurt.

46. Be so thin it's difficult to look fat.

47. Jump on a guy's back and shock him to death.

48. Cosplay.

49. Make a video for one of my favorite songs. An MV.

50. Learn to control my own emotions to a certain extent.

51. Travel all around Sabah.

52. Make really nice toffee candy, or caramel candy, or the yellow glacial candy.

53. Bake cupcake that are awesome and sell- at very low prices.

54. Wear those black rimmed, cool hipster glasses.

55. Have a sleepover where I won't give a damn about eating in bed.
56. Learn to draw alphabets of Gothic fonts, free hand.

57. Learn to C-Walk

58. Learn to shuffle.

59. Learn to dance.

60. Learn to do cartwheels.

61. Know loads and loads about my country's history & current issues.

62. Give someone a piece of my mind and look cool doing it.
63. Make a meal for people so awesome that they wouldn't know it's vegetarian.
64.


I'm too lazy to continue.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, meh.
Thinking, I should be sleeping.

Saturday:

Where I see myself in 5 years:

It'd be 29th October 2016, & I would be 24 years old.

Just graduated, most likely, & applying for KPLI. Kursus Perguruan Lepas Ijazah.

Part-time job at a tuition centre, meanwhile?

Full-time at high school would bring in at least RM1K a month, but I don't think KPLI would allow for that.

I don't think I would be able to afford a car right then.

Probably have to live with parents.

Perhaps, RM700 a month. Maybe Rm500 into the bank.

Can I live off RM200 a month, though?

Can't start paying PTPTN loan yet, if I got it.




Where I see myself in 7 years:

2018, 26 years old!

Working as a teacher in a high school in KK. I'd probably get posted somewhere else, but for Nigel's sake I will try my best to apply for a school in the city. Preferably KKHS.

I would probably have tuition classes at home. Five days a week. Because I'd have the PTPTN loan to pay off.

Also, I'm growing old. I need the moolah to enjoy life & do stuff like vacation.

Not to mention charity. No excuses now that my allowance doesn't come from my parents.

If all goes well, I'd be married & pregnant by now, if I don't already have a toddler.

If I do have a toddler, I'd probably be one month pregnant with my second child now.




Where I see myself in 10 years:

Best teacher I can be in school! =D

Enjoying my classes, setting goals for myself, helping teenagers, taking initiatives to start meaningful projects like gotong-royong & fundraisers, and build up a strong English Language Society in school, etc!

Best mother I can be at home! =D

Always trying my best to learn & have good values, being a good role model. Be cheerful, optimistic, honest at home with my kids.

I think I'll read loads of Dr. James Dobson books, Charles Swindoll books, etc parenting books.

I don't expect that everything goes perfectly. But I will want to do what I can to be a good mother.

Cook! Always learning new stuff, practice practice practice, hahaha. Pack lunches for my kids!

Oooh birthday parties, like what my mum used to do.

Bedtime stories are a must!

I wanna teach them to draw too =D Draw together.

Cycle, playground, picnics. WHEEEE!

Maybe we can have a juicer at home. Healthy juices at home.

& I must make sure that they can approach me with anything.

I want to be their friend. Bestfriend, might be a bit ambitious, but at least a very good friend. Like Chyng and her mother.

Above all, God MUST be in their hearts and lives, as the number one priority. I will be praying everyday for them. A mother's prayer and blessing avails much.

I will be baking as well =D And drawing! And taking pictures and blogging-

Ohhhh there's so much to do in life. I don't want to wake up one day wondering where has the years gone to. I want to wake up thinking about what I will be enjoying today.

Friday:

I ended up staying up too late last night Tumblring, & woke up feeling way too groggy (It was too late to get ready for school anyway) to go to school.

Yesterday was my 19th birthday :D

I feel lazy right now, but I suppose I should do a brief recap.

Woke up, school. Tze Feng was the first to wish me, followed by... Someone, then Jason, then Lum Sze Mun, Yii Chyng, Yi Quan. Pearl called me at midnight, and Melissa sent me a message. Nicholas Tay was the first to wish me on FaceCake ^^

Chemistry paper one, which sucked. Then class sang the birthday song once for me, in class. Awkward much, but pretty sweet. Jason led them. I overheard him asking people to sing for me since it's my birthday.

After school, went for sushi at Sushi King. There was a RM2 per plate Bonanza, but only for members. Mum borrowed Cikgu Cheok's 2010 member card. People who went: Jason, Keay, Kevin, Doraemon (Sze Mun), Yii Chyng, CSF, Tze Feng, Judith, Chee Quan, Liew Wen Yang. Since a cardholder can only bring five people, I bought another card for 2012, RM20. Got an RM20 voucher!

After that, I went walking about Asia City myself, looking for a birthday present for Tze Feng and Keele.

Got home at around 5, went online, then showered. Was supposed to go grab a bite of sushi again with the family (minus dad, who is in Kundasang) but we got ready too late. Decided to go for tuition, but then decided to go with them and not go for tuition, but then decided to go for tuition, and lastly, on the way to Central to kill some time looking for presents before my tuition starts, Sophia called to say mum wants me to grab two bites with them first.

Drove to Citymall, the line for Sushi King's bonanza was very long. Waited half an hour, had Sushi (But I only had one this time), then went to Hyatt to look for half-priced Black Forest Cake (Ashrul said it was really really good). By then decided not to go for tuition.

Black Forest Cake ngam-ngam last piece. Aunty before us bought a lot of cake, until we were left with only two choices: Pear Cake and Hummingbird. Mum was very irritated by the lady, so while on the way back to City Mall to send me to get the Avanza, we bad-mouthed the lady to help mum feel better XD

Sophia and I spent some time walking about in Citymall before going home. Met Ben there, who wished Sophia Happy Birthday when I told him that it was someone's birthday today. Haha! We bought SoyFresh's Malk Soya Bean Drink (Not bad, almost as good as V-Soy) and Vitasoy (Not as good, but it came in small packets I can bring to school).

Then went home, lit a single candle on the pear cake, sang the birthday song, I made my wish, blew the candle, we took pictures with Bubu...

A very simple birthday :)

Nigel asked me what I wanted my friends to get me. Well, honestly, nothing.

I do have some stuff I want to get, but I prefer choosing them myself, I suppose.



1. Wallet. The one Jeffrey got me a few years ago is already peeling. It served its purpose very, very well :)

2. Backpack for books. I'm using my sister's Adidas one now. The strap is coming out, and the bottom is thinning.

3. A new watch. The one Nigel got me dropped, so the glass is now cracked, and it isn't working anymore.


What I really, really want for my birthday would have been a good, solid session with friends and family. But it's hard, because we're all separated, and for my classmates, who are not separated, we're all busy with examinations.

It's alright. The birthday doesn't matter that much. What matters is that I use my last teenage the best as I can. :)

RANDOM

Nom Nom reminds me of Nigel.

Darling also reminds me of Nigel.

Actually, Nom Nom reminds me more of Nigel than Darling.

ALL EXPENSES PAID TRIP!!! Disneyland? Or Italy/Venice/somewhere supposedly romantic?

I don't care, as long as I'm with Nigel.

okfine DISNEYLAND PLEASE.

I wanna learn how to rollerskate.

Or skateboard.

I wanna learn to shuffle.

Main point: I want to learn stuff that would impress guys.

Stuff like, learning names of sports cars. So I can be like, "Hey, yeah, that's a Fairlady X6387 Model 312-Classic G 1978."

Discuss sports. Or, even better, own them at talking sports. No, no, Manchester's this and that, the manager this, because this player plays like this, you remember the 2008 match against Whatever Team?

Shuffle. C-Walk.

Drink & drink & drink- And never get drunk.

Shred an electric guitar & surf drums.

Win staring competitions.

Burp while looking sexy.

Play cards, pool, arcade racing games- AND KEEP WINNING.

Eat faster & more than they do, & still look like a model.

Pack a wardrobe the size of Mount Kinabalu into a back pack smaller than a nerd's school bag.

Exercise & sweat & still look as though I came fresh out from a commercial for Shokubutsu.

Dance in five inch heels.

Last longer & scoring more head shots than they do in a game of paintball.

Rap like Eminem & not garble up any syllable.

Drive so maniacally, they start screaming in the car.

Not go crazy over a cute FURRY PUPPY OF LOVE & JOY & PEACE.



Banyak juga :O

Monday:

I decided to stay up studying. On the computer for music, the air con for comfort, and a glass of water to keep me hydrated. CHEMISTRY ALL THE WAY!

Not.

So here are some compliments I've received throughout my life. I don't remember exactly the nice things said, but more or less the idea is there :D

NICE STUFFS PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME ABOUT ME.
Apparently, I

1. Am able to appreciate a lot of things well. Little things & big, meaningful thing that people don't notice.

2. Am not gossipy or nosy.

3. Am innocent. And dumb. But in a nice, innocent way.

4. Have a very cute dimple in my chin. As opposed to someone calling my chin a butt-chin or a double-chin. Wth.


...Well, that's it. All the stuffs I think are worth typing out here. :) Not much, but they mean something. And there are loads of others, by different people who thought they were making casual comments but in reality, sobs. Hearts.

Someone just told me, yesterday, that it's because of me they continue playing the guitar. That it's because of me they speak English well (something like that). That I make them forget what it was they wanted to say, & that they'll never forget me.

SOBS.

SOBS.

Try having all that said sincerely to your face and NOT feel like crying.




Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, lala.
Thinking, now I know how to make people cry. NGEHEH.

Sunday:

First experience:

I told mum we should use the Doraemon poster paint. She said no, it wouldn't be of use on the styrofoam of the doll's house we were making for me. She told me to go upstairs and get another set of poster paint. I accidentally dropped one and it fell from the landing upstairs. Splash- the house is splattered with red paint.

She got angry and the project was cancelled.

Later on, I took the Doraemon paint and started painting on a leftover piece of styrofoam. The colour came on super nicely. Mum saw and told me that I was right, if only we just used the Doraemon paint.

I was in Kindergarten.


Second experience:

We were having fun in the house in Sipitang. I took some lotion & dabbed some on my toddler cousin's face, to the amusement of my other cousins.

My aunt later saw it and started scolding me, saying stuff about ants.

I later realized, she probably thought it was icing, because the lotion smelt like orange. But by then, she'd already sounded off at me so I left it at that.


Third experience:

It was a game in school. Everyone was required to link arms and form large circles. I was quickly asked to join one of the bigger girl groups, but I declined because that would mean leaving my friend out.

She ended up joining the girl group instead, leaving me with two other left out guys. Everyone watched us as the teachers urged us to link arms, me and the two boys. I almost cried.




I am consciously reminding myself never to let any of the bad experiences I have had with people letting me down & misunderstanding me & being angry at me unnecessarily make me have a bad attitude and change my philosophy of, forgiving no matter what, being good to people no matter what.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, quiet.
Thinking, be optimistic, be optimistic.

Friday:

When people ask you, whether you miss them or not, usually the nice thing to say would be:

"Oh, yes! I missed you, I do."

...

Nowadays, instead of doing the un-nice thing and say no, or lie, I take some time before answering. People might think I'm considering the answer to the question, but in actual fact I already know the answer.

I'll definitely say yes. The moments I take before answering is to search for that 'miss' feeling and bring it back up to where I'm conscious of it.

Because truly, anyone who's ever spent time with me or is my friend, and we have lost contact for some time, I would miss.

Sometimes I'd randomly remember someone, and wonder how they are, and if we'd get the chance to meet up again. This usually takes around, ten seconds. Then I get distracted.

So, yes. If I say I miss you, I probably, really did notice your absence in my life.



There are a few people whom I think about more often than others. Here are four of them:

1. Nana

She's one heck of a girl. We connect very easily, and this is saying something. I'm comfortable around her because Nana is a very non-judgmental person. The things she has been through, the misunderstandings, has molded her into a very understanding person herself.

2. Nigel

I notice his absence the most. It's like, "I wish he was here now so I can rant to him." or "I wish he could taste this too." or "I wish he could help me finish this."

We have not had much time together, physically. So there might be people who doubt me when I say I miss him.

I'm still figuring out, what exactly makes me feel emptiness when I think about him sometimes, & why the desire to see him grows & hurts sometimes.

Maybe the logic is that, who wouldn't like being with someone who loves them & listens & shares things with you?

3. Nicholas Tay

This is a guy who cheered me up a lot during a time when I felt down, just by appearing at the window of our classroom. Maybe it's because he's both English speaking & yet doesn't take everything so seriously (most English speaking guys I know have, well, heavy ambitions & opinions.)

4. Jinho Clement

There is rarely a dull moment with him in the room. I have had enlightening conversations with him, & it's from him I've learnt to hold on to seemingly minor, but important virtues- like patience with adults, the art of appreciation, & optimism. Not to mention, other than Abbegail, whom I rarely stay in contact with anymore, he's one of the friends I've known the longest.



Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, wistful.
Thinking, life is but a vapour in the face of a strong, dry wind.

Tuesday:

Random Stuff.

1. I wish I would swear. I find myself thinking, & typing out certain words, like that f word & that s word and that d word, only to delete them.

2. I wish I could starve myself. Starve and lose weight. Drop one bra size or two- Because honestly, I don't like being big chested. They're alright, I suppose. Not gigantic (In which case I would have already begged for a reduction in Singapore). But still, I wish I could dress a little more freely. It'd feel awesome to be able to wear tighter shirts without worrying about guys eying me.

3. At the end of the day, I'm one of those girls who'd fall in love with a guy who is willing to do anything for a certain other girl he loves no matter how many times he gets snubbed. I'd get stuck in a love triangle. Florence Nightingale effect + I have soft spots for guys who are utterly loyal.

4. Maybe I'm more trusting than other people because, if I'm not badly hurt, I forget about it, and if I'm badly, badly hurt, I know I'll simply lose myself & take revenge in a passive form, and in a way, it'd make everything alright again.

5. I think I'll curl my hair softly next year, since I won't be cutting.

6. If I could cut my hair, though, I'd probably go slightly longer than shoulder length. Two guys have already said I'd look good with shoulder length hair. Guys don't lie when they say stuff like that.

7. If I could get a tattoo, I'd have one on my wrist.

8. If I could wear shorts, I'd wear shorts. I'd get shorts of different colours. Shorts are comfortable, casual but cool, makes legs look slimmer & longer, are not as expensive and can go with almost anything.

9. "I loved the person you used to be." This is one sentence I will never use without adding, "And I still love the person you are now."

10. The times I miss Nigel the most? Let's see. I'll be frank. Times when I visit the beach, hotels, or anywhere cold with soft, yellow lighting & the feeling of being on vacation. Times when I see couples. Times when I see huge burgers (because he has those every now and then.) Times when I see him exchanging posts on Facecake with other people. Times when I read about how much fun he's having. Times when I just lie on my bed with nothing to distract me. That would be every night that I'm not tired to death, then.

11. Since I have so many wishes to do stuff I don't do and may not do now, how about stuff that I don't do and may not do now, and still wouldn't do even if I may not do them?

I still wouldn't smoke. I still wouldn't get drunk, or maybe, drink at all. I still wouldn't shave half my hair off.


12. I dare to be happy about my achievements and crow about them and talk about them and point out what I've done, only because I trust the people I do them with not to think I'm arrogant in a bad way. I trust them to remember that I point out my flaws as well, & I talk about what embarrasses me & my mistakes as well. I trust them to like that I share things with them.

13. I have sudden bursts of perfectionist-syndromes. I suddenly must have everything cleaned this way or that way. I suddenly must finish this assignment perfectly. I suddenly must be thin & this pretty & that fit.

Which probably explains why I have sudden bursts of depressions when I can't complete something nicely, or after I have a decent meal. I feel guilty.



Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, determined.
Thinking, I'm not weirder than the weirdest of them all.

Wednesday:

I'd just typed out a longish post, but decided not to post it.

Because I know there are people reading this.

Whoa at the difference knowing & not knowing who my audience is. I was so comfortable blabbering away when all I see are blank faces. But now that light has shined on a few of them, I retreat a little.

Not a lot. Because sooner or later I'll forget anyway & type out all the clumps of mess in my heart.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, awake.
Thinking, he should be asleep now, poor guy.

Tuesday: Yii Chyng's Birthday

Today was also the last day of the first trials for us.

Yii Chyng treated us to Korean cuisine at a shop in Lintas. After that, we had the cake Doraemon got from Uncle Biscuit. We pooled cash together to get that, plus two more presents. A small, pink, noseless mouthless bunny- And a larger version of it which we used to surprise her after she got the small, seemingly cheap one.

I wasn't in the plan, though. So I was as startled as Chyng when Jona took the big, black trash bin bag out (containing the big bunny!)

We took walks at Marina, Sutera after that. Walking in those wedges ain't easy. Not because they're high, but because the straps cut.

Nigel's not feeling well. & he'd finished his sleeping pills so he's having a hard time sleeping now.

It makes sense not to rely on something too much. I try not to rely on coffee to stay awake. I occasionally don't have it even though I feel like I need it, because you must not rely on any form of drugs, medical or not, to function. At least, you try not to.

Easy to say. But when it comes down to it, sometimes I just don't care & want that friggin' sleeping pill or pain killer.



Emotions can be so easily stirred.

Li- Li- Light it up, Light it up tonight.

Music is powerful. So very.

It wouldn't be incorrect to say that music helped me fall for Nigel. I've had crushes, but the one I had on my boyfriend was the deepest. Perhaps this was because I allowed myself to immerse in music that reminded me of him. Or perhaps I only immersed because he was already that big of a deal. Chicken and egg dilemma.

& walking along the lights in the resort gardens- It was just so romantic. And this is as straightforward as I can put it. It sounds ditzy, I suppose. I for one don't appreciate how humans are so easily influenced by their physical environment & music. It causes a lot of inconsistency & problems, if one is not conscious of the influence.

But I am conscious of it, so I suppose it's alright. More than that, in fact. If I am not so easily swayed by the romance that surrounds me, then I'm in for a tragically dull life.

I'm glad I'm someone who squeals in delight over cute, pretty things. I'm happy to be someone who cries when she sees sad things.

As long as I don't cry for myself.

I'm nineteen. I've always wanted to be married by 25.

What I want now might sound silly or dreamy to most, especially to the adults. Because, well, I should be asleep now & wake early for school tomorrow, or studying. I shouldn't be thinking too far ahead.

But I think, what I want is what I want, right? Maybe I should take a chance & just let it be, instead of fitting myself into their mold.

Both paths probably take me somewhere I'll be one day, saying, I made the right decision. Both are probably going to be right decisions.

So why not take the path less traveled by?

I dream of nights just walking by the sea, my hand in his. With nothing to worry about, no school or work the next day to think about. I dream of sea breezes. I dream of turning up the stereo playing our favorite songs. I dream of just snuggling in a cold room, under warm blankets.

I even dream about us fighting. & it's going to be heartbreaking. No other guy is going to hurt me ever so much. No other guy can. & when we make up, the feeling of relief & happiness is going to flood me over, because I would have had been blessed with having him for so long, I wouldn't be able to appreciate him a lot.

Not being able to appreciate Nigel. I don't think that would happen in a long, long time. Normally teenagers fall hard, go through the fiery stages of romance, and it dies out somewhat by itself. We couldn't even spend our so-called honeymoon months together properly.

For myself, I see this as a blessing, our distance apart. It sucks really bad now, it really does. I miss him loads, I become insecure, I become jealous & scared, I'm always wishing for him to be here or for me to be there with him.

When you're deprived of something you badly want for a long time, when you get it, perhaps you wouldn't take it for granted that easily anymore.

He's telling me to go to sleep. I will!

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, a little sad.
Thinking, chin up, be a great girl, girl.

Monday:

Not feeling too good right now. There's like, a stone wedged in on my heart. It hurts sometimes & that forces tears out.

But hey. Crying is for weaklings.

I can't find the Class Page for the magazine that I'd suffered a little for, last week. We thought the deadline was last Friday so I spent quite some time worrying about it & not focusing much on my examinations.

Now I can't find it.

Oh, another thing.

I feel absolutely horrible when I'm treated as though I'm stupid or incompetent. Frustrated, really. I don't know why sometimes I'm totally cool with it, & sometimes I'm not, and I don't care to reason out why now.

I don't want to care about a lot of things now. Maybe everything would be better for me if I weren't so conscientious & think about things from different perspectives. Maybe I should just take one that would do me the most good, & stick to it stubbornly. I find myself dreaming, longing to just take off & leave this home. To do art, or something unorthodox.

One of the easiest ways, it seems, to be strong & unaffected by other people, is to be competent & up there yourself.

Some people have had to claw their way up. & by claw, I mean, since they have to gain the experiences themselves, & learn to harden their hearts without anyone teaching them or encouraging them to, they learn also to be desperate, because of all the effort that is at stake.

Imagine if I have no weight problems, no self esteem problems, no overthinking & caring about what other people think. Imagine if I'm bold enough to start friendships with the wrong kind of people. Imagine if I really am stubborn & rebellious enough to just leave home & STPM & all this sh when people just don't believe I'm independent enough.

Imaginations only, though. Because I've been brought up, all my life, to live in a comfortable, safe environment. My defense mechanism is geared towards wanting respect & recognition, but not more than wanting stability. Thus I conform. I conform even when I don't want to.

I hate myself these times, really. I failed to stay up all night studying last night, & I failed to stick to the diet I'd planned out today.

I don't have any excuses. Even if I have, I must not use them.

A lot to study, Math and Chemistry. Overwhelming. My own fault. Thinking about them now makes me feel slightly sick, physically.

God, lift the curses I've set upon myself. I know I can do it and love it if I don't give up.

And since STPM is considered easy, well, hah. Are you that stupid, Carmelia? Can't you do well in subjects that are deemed not up to international standards? Some say they are, but there are some who say they aren't.

I'm really not this negative. I'm only trying to get myself going more. I only have one life. I have ideas & ideals that no one is going to take seriously if I don't get my ass up in shape. Literally & metaphorically.

If I can't find the class page for the magazine, then I'll just do it again. If I can't do another one in time & our class ends up without a class page, then, well, whatever. I'll feel bad enough as it is, I don't need coal heaped up on me.

Not that they'd blame me. My friends are nice people.



Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, blank.
Thinking, don't give up.

Sunday:

So I totally have no idea why Nigel isn't replying my messages.

Probably napping.

Or mad at me.

Just now I was texting him at the Asia City bazaar, where I hung out with Tasha & three other church friends. I said something about waiting to watch them buka puasa.

He said, them?

I said, the Muslims!

He asked something about what Muslims.

I said, those in Asia City, the hawkers, those in the shops, etc.

I'm not really sure how the conversation went, (since my inbox is full so I delete text messages that are not that mood-lifting) but then suddenly he said, "Forget it I don't even know if you're being deliberately ridiculous or not."

O_O

Before that his autocorrect corrected his 'Buka Puasa' to 'Buka Piassava' or something like that, so I sent back a 'Oh I thought you act cute HAHAHA'

Maybe that was what pissed him off?

I think it has something to do with him not believing the Muslims in Asia City buka puasa, or something. I don't know, because he wouldn't/couldn't explain to me what was so ridiculous.

It bothered me until now, honestly. I've been swaying back & forth from decisions whether to post a status about it, or something else totally non-related to show I don't care, or something to do with me not caring, or something about durian cake. Since my sister's bestfriend is having a birthday on Tuesday and they want to surprise her with durian cake but no shop has it now because it's not the Durian Season.

Nigel hates durians.

I digressed.

Anyway, I decided (so far) not to post anything. Not because I want to show that I don't care- But because I want to train myself not to.

Nigel's probably forgotten about the whole-

AHAHAHAHA LEE CHONG WEI WINNING!

Oh wait. He isn't.

HE WON!

I digressed. (Gotta go post FaceCake status)

Anyway. I really shouldn't be stressing about this. Head hurts a little now. Period just started, and this time I actually felt affected by it. Body aches, mood not really that swell- But I'd consciously made effort to control myself today so everything went nice & dandy :D

In the past, the people I've thought about becoming like are boys from La Salle & All Saints. The group from La Salle includes these two boys called Ralph Lauren & Raul. They're good friends, they're cool, but at the same time, friendly & human. Raul actually wanted to take a picture with me once, & he wasn't all cocky & confident. They're hilarious, nice, good with Madam V (Our English Literature teacher)- Well, cool, in my terms.

Of course, I don't know them all that well so I wouldn't know about flaws that I wouldn't like.

(There are two types of flaws: Flaws I'd categorize as flaws but still don't mind at all, like, for example, being too dramatic or laziness; & flaws I am bothered about, for example... Being unforgiving.)

But yeah.

The boys from All Saints is actually only one guy: Jinho. This one I know well so I know stuff about him that makes me roll my eyes.

But as a role model, he's a very good one. In addition to all the other traits he had that has made him a favorite of many adults, he's godly. I have been jealous before of his passion for God, the way he can just dance in front, worshiping, & the way he really lives. He stands for what he believes in (like, he was firm in not wearing a skirt, even for a college event, even just 'for fun'). & the praises & admiration I've heard him voice out about other people serve to highlight his own humility.

Which is why I wanted to be like him.

Girls, I don't remember one. Only the one fictional character I'd created, perhaps. Raine. Cold on the outside, soft on the inside. Practical. Can be obstinate. Very silent. Intelligent. Moderate.

Things I'm not.

Why aren't I? I'm conscious about my flaws, aren't I? So why don't I change?

Stuff I think I am:

1. Friendly
2. Empathic
3. Civic minded
4. Proud
5. Stubborn
6. Lazy
7. Emotional


# To change number 4, I should strive to be more humble.

I should shut up about myself, & always either deny it, or accept quietly when someone compliments me. Even if it's a friend, I should not act happy or as though I already know it, even though I do it in jest.

I should always be willing to let others take over, even if I think my decision would be better.

And if it turns out my decision would have been better, I should not even think about it.

# To change number 5, I should strive to be more flexible.

People I should always listen to & truly accept criticisms & advice from: My parents, my pastor & his wife, my grandparents, Nigel.

People I should listen to but not take more seriously than my own opinions: My classmates, my teachers, my friends.

I should always, always listen first before I dismiss anything. I should obey my parents. (Which means I should stop blogging very soon.)

# To change number 6, I should strive to be more hardworking.

No excuses. Specific things I should work on:

My diet. No eating anything other than fruits and vegetables. No crackers, no cakes, no bread, no sushi, no rice, no mee, no nothing other than fruits, vegetables, liquids.

My exercise regime. Examinations are actually not a valid reason for me not to go jogging. Period, well, maybe, because I don't want to end up fainting on the hill (& I don't bring my phone when jogging).

My revisions. I've said to myself I'll stay up to finish studying for the paper tomorrow. Three chapters full. Even if it takes all night. I've gotten the best marks for this paper before. I must try my best to get the top grade again.

My piano. I remember the promise to Nigel that the next time he listens to me play my Grade 7 piano exam pieces, they will be perfect.

My guitar. Ashrul & Jonathan are picking up the guitar. I must not lose to them :D

(I think there are some more, but I shouldn't waste too much time here. I have to go offline soon.)

# To change number 7, I should strive to

But wait. Is being emotional a bad thing?

Judging from my fictional characters & the people I admire, yes. It is a bad thing. I've always liked the quality of being cool (In the cold, quiet way, not the omgyouawesome way.)

I simply let out my feelings.

On the other hand, when I'm not being extremely happy and clapping my hands or moaning about something I'm unhappy about, I'm very stone-faced.

Then again, how about other people? They do that too, I suppose. Oh. So I'm normal?

But when I do express myself, it is quite extreme. And I do it more than other people do.

*quite moment*

Some people say writing down your feelings help you understand them and get over them. I think I believe that. So I think I should start putting aside time at night to write/type about my feelings again. So I won't be crazy bipolar the next day.





& through it all, I have only one person in mind. I'm not sure why. & sometimes, I feel frustrated at myself for that. I really don't want to be ridiculous.

Then again, it is not ridiculous to always care. The problem is when I care too much.

It's not, when's the right time to care.

It's, where do you draw the line between 'I care but I'm not bothered' and 'Whatever'.





Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, pain in the head.
Thinking, I WILL stay up all night if I have to.

Sunday:

I got to get a grip.

“There are two kinds of love.

In the safe kind, you look for someone who’s exactly like you. It’s what most folks settle for.

But then there’s the other kind of love.

Everyone’s born with a ragged edge, and some folks crave for that piece that’s a perfect fit.

You’ll search for it forever if you have to.

And if you’re lucky enough to find it, and because it looks so right, you start to tear at your own seams, thinking, maybe I could look just as perfect.

But then, of course, when you try to get close to the other half, you don’t fit anymore.

That kind of love... you come out of it a different person than you were when you started.”

—	Jodi Picoult

Wednesday:

Played games with the English Language Society (Sixth Form) today. Not enough time. Hopefully, they enjoyed it.

I try my best- Well, not really. If I really do try my best, I'll be planning, thinking ahead, allowing for cushion time. & it'd be perfect.

Stuff to do:

1. Class t-shirt.
2. Finalize the Community Service project.
3. Class Fund Account.
4. Pass Mathematics & Chemistry.


I stumbled across Yellowcard's Life of a Salesman just now, while charging Nigel's iPod & resyncing the songs.

The soft gush of feelings dragged from memories felt so... Addictive.

Yellowcard & All American Rejects. Michelle Branch.

This Social Network called Vampire Freaks.

Naruto.

Personality quizzes.

Stories. Stories. Stories.

A website for amateur writers.

Wild, wild imaginations.



Just the silent night. The blaring screen in front of me. The entire night. Hours, just... Being myself. Solo.

Feelings. Few people are involved in memories that cause such nostalgia. & every one of them, a different kind of feeling.

Melissa. In her room at her house at the Lintas apartments. Avril Lavigne, Play Station 2.

Nigel. Nights chatting. Seeing him the first few times. Stuttering. Dark blue. Hey.

Maple Story.

Nights pacing in my room, my imagination running, running, running- I can pace for hours, thinking, wondering.

Mum heard me once, & the police were called. She thought a burglar was holding me hostage in my room.

My thoughts have never strayed too far sexually, back then. The most that happens in any of my stories is a kiss.

Well, I should go to bed now. Still ended up sleeping late.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, physically tired.
Thinking, more discipline.

Moments That Make Me Feel EXTREMELY Good.

Moments when...

1. I finally get to rest from intense exercise & pour iced water down the throat.

2. Nigel says I'm pretty.

3. Nigel says my English is good.

4. The teacher uses my assignments as examples of how to go about them.

5. I wake up in the morning & remember that I get to sleep in.

6. I finally finish cleaning up my room.

7. The number on the scale drops.

8. I realize I'm probably the only one in class who understands the lesson thoroughly.

9.




I think there's more. But because I'm picky & sleepy, I'll stop here for now. So much to thank the Lord for.

Tuesday:

I hate this whole BERSIH issue.

I don't hate BERSIH. I think it's good for the country.

But neither do I hate the government.

I think I have a lot to say about this. I definitely have thought A LOT about it.

Nigel said I'm a gullible girl. Coming from anyone else, I wouldn't have cared.

I feel frustrated & miserable every time it hits me that the conflict's really there, it's really big.

I think I know how the people in politically-unstable countries feel now.

Confused. In the middle. Unsafe. Not knowing who to trust. Frustrated by both extremes.

It doesn't help that my dad's a police, & my boyfriend's a staunch supporter- or rather, a staunch protestor against the current government.

To say that I have a desire to be on Nigel's side is not wrong. Against my father. To agree with Nigel, even if I don't voice it out in front of dad.

But I don't fulfill that desire, because there's another want; the want to be careful.

Now, the only thing that brings peace into my heart is knowing that God is... God is great.

When I don't know what to do, I'll pray. When I don't know what to say, I'll pray. When I want to speak but choose to shut up, I'll pray. When I want to keep quiet, but choose to speak up, I'll pray.

I must. It's always like this, isn't it? I get cornered before I turn to God.

But He has never failed me.

I think about how it's been nine months with Nigel, & most of it spent apart, & how this makes me choose to dismiss any issues I think we're facing concerning our relationship, because this LDR isn't a normal one.

I think about how his mother's going to forgive me, if she ever will.

I think about how I have to prove myself as someone whose opinion matters.

Great, wouldn't it be, if I didn't have to think so much? If I'm already an accomplished, totally self-actualized girl, who is intelligent, disciplined, happy, kind, rational, patient, pretty, sporting. Just living my life, making an impact, living for God, & all that stuff Christian bands write about as song lyrics.

Very great.

But I wouldn't have it any other way than the way it is now.

I almost believe, that given the chance to truly see how my mind & train of thought work, people would understand my opinions, even if they don't agree with them.

Instead of dismissing me as a naive, ridiculous girl.

***

Today!

We had ICAS English today. I have hopes of getting a Better Than Average (Merit or Distinction, not sure which they use) certificate :D I got it last time, and I thought it was difficult. This time, it's not that bad. Maybe even HIGH Merit/Distinction <3 A girl can dream.

It's the International Competitions & Assessments for Schools- Obviously, I took English.

***

I spent the last two periods talking about guitars & playing this paper & pen game with Ashrul. Poor guy. Loser kept losing- and by loser I meant me.

And me? I don't like losing games that I think I should win. So I made him play with me again & again until the school bell rang. Still, he won me by fifty plus points.

***

Tomorrow's Wednesday. Co-curricular activities!... Another something from the government that I really, really don't like.

But hey. Instead of complaining, I'm trying my best to, if not being active & doing something productive, enjoy the meetings & support the AJK.

I know how it feels like to worry about how you're going to make sure the club members like the meetings (in other less-savory words, how you're going to entertain them). It's not supposed to work like this, of course. The members should all contribute- the AJK is only there to lead.

But to motivate them is going to take a lot more effort and time than to entertain them for an hour every two weeks (or not). & right now? Us Upper Six students should not be spending too much time on things outside of our academics.

I feel crappy after hosting ELS/Cheerlead Meets, because I worry too much about how the members perceive me. It's fine if they think I don't do well as a leader- As long as they tell me. The worst case scenario is that, they think I don't do well, & at the same time, think that I SHOULD know what I'm supposed to be doing.

How the hell am I supposed to know what you members want & need? Especially when you don't respond when I ask.

***

Thursday.

Nigel's coming home.
Jinho's coming home.
School: Education Fair. So we'll only be having Pure Mathematics.
Afternoon: Giving tuition to Isaac & Jerry.
Night: Grandmother's birthday dinner.

Very full day, Thursday.

***

Education Fair will be more relevant to me this time, though, since I'm aiming for Australia, I won't be taking down information for myself. Hopefully I'll get some insight on what certain professions require- Not the certificates, but the experiences, the personality that you need to be able to do you best as a this and that.

Yeah, I'm still aiming to further my studies in Australia. Probably not in the same region as Nigel- our parents will see to that, I suppose. But at least, in Australia. Phone calls, text messaging, will be cheaper (Since we don't Skype or connect much through the internet).

And, I've already set my sights there. People know. I'm not going to go back on my word. I truly think Australia's a good place to study. From what I've heard from Mr. Goh, Judith, Yii Chyng, I think I'll like it there.




I should go to bed now. Still trying to get to school early enough so I can do my revision & get a head-start. I work better when people watch me. That's why I like the concept of having a bestfriend so much. You have someone who loves you & you can be accountable to, who motivates you.


Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, very awake.
Thinking, but I should go to bed.

Tuesday:

Last night was a climax of a chapter all by itself.

Thoughts just kept attacking.

I'm not good enough.

I'm never going to make it in time for my examinations.

Nigel's too good for me.

I'm damaged.

I don't belong to this family.

I'm not normal.

I'm not special enough.

I'm too fat.

& I wonder if I would crack one day. & if my family would have the good sense to know that he's probably the only one I might listen to.

Do you know how tempting it is to do something that would guarantee people will take you seriously & care? And not act like I'm the biggest nuisance in the world when I'm crying?

I'm not a filial girl. I know that now. I don't know why, but as compared to my peers, I'm not that scared of offending my parents or going against their wishes. If I could get away with it, I would.

Still. I'm not totally rebellious.

Mum said it was because I needed more money. Because dad's always not reloading for me even though he said he would. That's why I wanted so badly to give Melissa's brother tuition.

It's not about the money.

It's about how you talk to me. Angry. Irritated, Frustrated. How you jump from issue to issue.

It's about me being very scared about my examinations. Just because I'm not studying like hell all the time doesn't mean I'm not worried.

It's about me being very frustrated with myself.

It's about how I am desperate to be free from this house. I don't want your cash, I want to earn my own. Maybe because, when I have to make decisions involving Nigel again, I won't feel as though I'm still tied to my parents.

It's about a whole load of other things, that, if I could have, I would have typed out last night. Every bit. Almost everything I've ever wanted to say to you.

Not how angry I am at you, or how unsatisfied I am with my family. More on how insecure I feel sometimes. How I wonder about what my mum & dad think about me being bulimic, about me cutting myself. How I feel so explosive inside. How I wish that there would be more times when someone would be gentle with me & wipe my tears off when I start crying, rather than asking me what's wrong irritatedly. How I wish the guy I'm going to marry is with me now, is close to me, is truly, really my bestfriend, not just by title but by our lifesong too, & close to my family as well. How I wish they'd just GET that. Getting a stable job is not my ultimate goal in life, & then to settled down & have kids. No. If that's the 'About Me' section in my life, I won't be dying happy, dad.

***

Ashrul's girlfriend messaged me, asking if we could be friends, since I'm her boyfriend Ashrul's friend.

Well, of course.

If anything, I accepted for Ashrul's sake.

I really don't know what happened that day. They kept saying I had something to do with it. Sin Fung said, they'd broken up way before this, & then Ashrul came to KKHS & met someone. Here he'd winked at me. I suppose he was talking about me,

but the hell? It was probably this other girl. Though I can't say I don't doubt myself entirely.

And his ex-girlfriend (Who is now his girlfriend) wanted to get back. But Ashrul didn't want to.

& a whole lot of drama, I suppose, happened that I have no idea about, because honestly, Ashrul has NEVER just nodded his head like that & shrugged me off when I ask him what was wrong. He'd either nod & tell me, or shake his head & smile & really pull it off.

It's good that things are fine now. Hopefully they'll treat each other right. I hate it when a couple doesn't work out. In a way it makes me believe that it's more probable than not that a break-up will happen, no matter how many times you say it won't.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, raining.
Thinking, -

Friday:

Today we had a Biology test on Immunity. My effort would be about 88%.

I like school. Mainly because of my classmates. Partly because of my teachers. They like me. That's one reason why I like school. That's me being frank.


Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, everyday I'm shuffling.
Thinking, -

Monday:

Watched Dead Poets' Society today. Felt a wide range of emotions, and thought a lot. As opposed to most of the others, I suppose. I wonder how many really watched the movie. I wonder if the reality of Carpe Diem not being lived was only mine.

Stuff I learnt:

1. Free Thinking is good. But there are limits to freedom.

2. Teachers of something are not always to be blamed when that something is used out of context in a negative way by their students.

3. Don't commit suicide.

4. Teaching is probably the one thing I will both enjoy doing & still earn a living from, given that I do not lose my inspiration to teach the way I dream I will be able to teach.

I went to the back to wake Yi Quan up & do our PA worksheets together. I think I'll do this more often. We're both quite behind in our studies. I prefer studying with him than the others we're both at roughly the same level. Capable, but no effort.

& Yi Quan listens to me. Lets me enjoy the illusion of being able to boss him around :D But not totally spineless that I would feel uncomfortable.

I'd rather be able to give as well as take in a study group than keep taking.

***


Nigel asked me before, if I was bisexual.

Uhm. Okay. No way.

I have thought before, the possibility of me being bisexual if I wasn't a Christian. Lesbian, no way. But bisexuality?... Possible. But not probable. If I weren't a Christian, I'd still cringe at the thought of a girl-girl sexual/romantic relationship.

I don't hate homosexuals. I love them, for being different, for the struggles they have & are going through. I wonder about how they feel, what caused them to choose this path.

But I hate homosexuality. I'm not at all a good Christian, but I know it's wrong. It's an abomination to the Lord. There are those who would blast me for this. But I stand by this. It's my opinion that the abuse & hatred that homosexuals & transsexuals suffered in the past has caused this rebound. Abuse & hatred is wrong. But the other extreme is wrong as well.

I've sometimes thought about how I'd be like if I were a boy. Probably sporty, probably tall. Cleft chin. Curly-ish hair. I don't think I'd be this much into books, though. Name would rhyme with Jimmy- Maybe Jerry, or Harry. Johnny.

When people ask me whether I think this or that girl is pretty- It really depends on what kind of pretty. For me, there's the I-want-to-look-like-her kind, & the if-I-were-a-boy-I'd-like-her kind. The latter involves personality.



Signed, Carmelia.

Thinking, Carpe Diem.
Feeling, tired but urged to work.

Saturday: Sophia's 14th Birthday

Woke up at 10+. Cooked some Maggi for Mei's lunch. Watched Ghibli. Went out with parents. Came home. Watched Ghibli. Sang happy birthday, Mei cut her birthday cake. Ghibli. Went out for dinner with family. Came home. Ghibli.

Not much happened today. Watched Pom Poko & Porco Rosso (Ghibli movies) mostly. I do feel guilty about wasting a day like this. Try, try again tomorrow to be more productive.

***

Malleable. Perhaps everyone is, but most, not more than I am. Perhaps that is so only because I'm aware of this trait. Or perhaps because I don't see change as a bad thing.

Maybe I'm malleable because I haven't found my identity. Maybe it's the other way around. Or maybe, I'm not as malleable as I think. Maybe I just like the idea that I'm not yet there, not yet permanently one character, stuck in one type of thinking, acting, speaking.

I'd hate to be permanently fixed. Think of all the characters I can be.



Tough mechanic-type. In-your-face. Smudged overalls. Ponytail. Knows her stuff.

Computer genius. Anti-social. Huge glasses. Headphones. Knows her stuff.

Inspirational teacher. Busy, selfless. Pretty clothes. Files & basket. Loves my students.

Eccentric artist. Idiosyncratic. Newsboy cap. Oddly chopped up hair. Perfectionist.

Musician. Social butterfly. Modern, tight, slightly revealing. Inconsistent hairstyles. Rocks.

Baker. Generous, loved. Motherly. Dressed simple. Hair in a bun. Works very hard, very well.

Professional psychiatrist. Calm, knowledgeable. Smart specs. Sophisticated. Knows her stuff.

Journalist. Inquisitive, stubborn. Pen behind the ear. Shoulder-length hair. Never gives up.

Writer.


I'm not stereotyping professions. These are directions I might take don't mind taking. Which one, is the question.

There are others, of course. Perhaps mix-&-match. New options keep rising. Some options become forgotten.

I've thought of changing who I am every now and then. But there will always be someone who is the constant self amongst all those characters. She's the one I want to focus on. Not the shells.

Whatever I become, though, there are a few things I want.

To be true to God.

To be true to Nigel.

To always choose love over hate.

To always choose forgiveness over revenge.

Whether I end up living far from society, or right in the middle of a bustling city;

whether I end up working long hours everyday, or going about in a relaxing pace;

whether I end up as a tough & outspoken, or a quietly strong young lady;

whether I end up busy & happy with five kids, or busy & happy with none;

whether I end up working at a desk, or out in the field;

whether I work with facts & paperwork, or colors & my imagination-

whether whatever.




Signed, Carmelia.

Thinking, I should go to bed.
Feeling, pensive.

Wednesday:

I was coping so well. I was planning for today to end with me going to bed happy & immediately falling asleep.

Instead, you had to ruin it.

I wish I could tell.

But I don't because I'm scared that their responses might let me down.

And if their responses let me down, I can't blame them.

So I just shut up.



Nigel called me today. I hung up & felt anxious minutes later, about being obstinate & not repeating what I said.

But why should I worry all the time about whether or not he's mad at me or accepts me or will continue loving me? It's not right. I didn't cheat on him or do anything worth getting mad at.

One Two Three. One Two Three. One Two Three.

I'm going to dance until my legs hurt, and then go to bed. I do NOT WANT TO STAY IN BED AWAKE THINKING & FEELING LIKE DEMONS ARE ATTACKING ME AGAIN.

Signed, Carmelia.

Thinking, -
Feeling, -

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