Tuesday:

I hate this whole BERSIH issue.

I don't hate BERSIH. I think it's good for the country.

But neither do I hate the government.

I think I have a lot to say about this. I definitely have thought A LOT about it.

Nigel said I'm a gullible girl. Coming from anyone else, I wouldn't have cared.

I feel frustrated & miserable every time it hits me that the conflict's really there, it's really big.

I think I know how the people in politically-unstable countries feel now.

Confused. In the middle. Unsafe. Not knowing who to trust. Frustrated by both extremes.

It doesn't help that my dad's a police, & my boyfriend's a staunch supporter- or rather, a staunch protestor against the current government.

To say that I have a desire to be on Nigel's side is not wrong. Against my father. To agree with Nigel, even if I don't voice it out in front of dad.

But I don't fulfill that desire, because there's another want; the want to be careful.

Now, the only thing that brings peace into my heart is knowing that God is... God is great.

When I don't know what to do, I'll pray. When I don't know what to say, I'll pray. When I want to speak but choose to shut up, I'll pray. When I want to keep quiet, but choose to speak up, I'll pray.

I must. It's always like this, isn't it? I get cornered before I turn to God.

But He has never failed me.

I think about how it's been nine months with Nigel, & most of it spent apart, & how this makes me choose to dismiss any issues I think we're facing concerning our relationship, because this LDR isn't a normal one.

I think about how his mother's going to forgive me, if she ever will.

I think about how I have to prove myself as someone whose opinion matters.

Great, wouldn't it be, if I didn't have to think so much? If I'm already an accomplished, totally self-actualized girl, who is intelligent, disciplined, happy, kind, rational, patient, pretty, sporting. Just living my life, making an impact, living for God, & all that stuff Christian bands write about as song lyrics.

Very great.

But I wouldn't have it any other way than the way it is now.

I almost believe, that given the chance to truly see how my mind & train of thought work, people would understand my opinions, even if they don't agree with them.

Instead of dismissing me as a naive, ridiculous girl.

***

Today!

We had ICAS English today. I have hopes of getting a Better Than Average (Merit or Distinction, not sure which they use) certificate :D I got it last time, and I thought it was difficult. This time, it's not that bad. Maybe even HIGH Merit/Distinction <3 A girl can dream.

It's the International Competitions & Assessments for Schools- Obviously, I took English.

***

I spent the last two periods talking about guitars & playing this paper & pen game with Ashrul. Poor guy. Loser kept losing- and by loser I meant me.

And me? I don't like losing games that I think I should win. So I made him play with me again & again until the school bell rang. Still, he won me by fifty plus points.

***

Tomorrow's Wednesday. Co-curricular activities!... Another something from the government that I really, really don't like.

But hey. Instead of complaining, I'm trying my best to, if not being active & doing something productive, enjoy the meetings & support the AJK.

I know how it feels like to worry about how you're going to make sure the club members like the meetings (in other less-savory words, how you're going to entertain them). It's not supposed to work like this, of course. The members should all contribute- the AJK is only there to lead.

But to motivate them is going to take a lot more effort and time than to entertain them for an hour every two weeks (or not). & right now? Us Upper Six students should not be spending too much time on things outside of our academics.

I feel crappy after hosting ELS/Cheerlead Meets, because I worry too much about how the members perceive me. It's fine if they think I don't do well as a leader- As long as they tell me. The worst case scenario is that, they think I don't do well, & at the same time, think that I SHOULD know what I'm supposed to be doing.

How the hell am I supposed to know what you members want & need? Especially when you don't respond when I ask.

***

Thursday.

Nigel's coming home.
Jinho's coming home.
School: Education Fair. So we'll only be having Pure Mathematics.
Afternoon: Giving tuition to Isaac & Jerry.
Night: Grandmother's birthday dinner.

Very full day, Thursday.

***

Education Fair will be more relevant to me this time, though, since I'm aiming for Australia, I won't be taking down information for myself. Hopefully I'll get some insight on what certain professions require- Not the certificates, but the experiences, the personality that you need to be able to do you best as a this and that.

Yeah, I'm still aiming to further my studies in Australia. Probably not in the same region as Nigel- our parents will see to that, I suppose. But at least, in Australia. Phone calls, text messaging, will be cheaper (Since we don't Skype or connect much through the internet).

And, I've already set my sights there. People know. I'm not going to go back on my word. I truly think Australia's a good place to study. From what I've heard from Mr. Goh, Judith, Yii Chyng, I think I'll like it there.




I should go to bed now. Still trying to get to school early enough so I can do my revision & get a head-start. I work better when people watch me. That's why I like the concept of having a bestfriend so much. You have someone who loves you & you can be accountable to, who motivates you.


Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, very awake.
Thinking, but I should go to bed.