Tuesday:

Last night was a climax of a chapter all by itself.

Thoughts just kept attacking.

I'm not good enough.

I'm never going to make it in time for my examinations.

Nigel's too good for me.

I'm damaged.

I don't belong to this family.

I'm not normal.

I'm not special enough.

I'm too fat.

& I wonder if I would crack one day. & if my family would have the good sense to know that he's probably the only one I might listen to.

Do you know how tempting it is to do something that would guarantee people will take you seriously & care? And not act like I'm the biggest nuisance in the world when I'm crying?

I'm not a filial girl. I know that now. I don't know why, but as compared to my peers, I'm not that scared of offending my parents or going against their wishes. If I could get away with it, I would.

Still. I'm not totally rebellious.

Mum said it was because I needed more money. Because dad's always not reloading for me even though he said he would. That's why I wanted so badly to give Melissa's brother tuition.

It's not about the money.

It's about how you talk to me. Angry. Irritated, Frustrated. How you jump from issue to issue.

It's about me being very scared about my examinations. Just because I'm not studying like hell all the time doesn't mean I'm not worried.

It's about me being very frustrated with myself.

It's about how I am desperate to be free from this house. I don't want your cash, I want to earn my own. Maybe because, when I have to make decisions involving Nigel again, I won't feel as though I'm still tied to my parents.

It's about a whole load of other things, that, if I could have, I would have typed out last night. Every bit. Almost everything I've ever wanted to say to you.

Not how angry I am at you, or how unsatisfied I am with my family. More on how insecure I feel sometimes. How I wonder about what my mum & dad think about me being bulimic, about me cutting myself. How I feel so explosive inside. How I wish that there would be more times when someone would be gentle with me & wipe my tears off when I start crying, rather than asking me what's wrong irritatedly. How I wish the guy I'm going to marry is with me now, is close to me, is truly, really my bestfriend, not just by title but by our lifesong too, & close to my family as well. How I wish they'd just GET that. Getting a stable job is not my ultimate goal in life, & then to settled down & have kids. No. If that's the 'About Me' section in my life, I won't be dying happy, dad.

***

Ashrul's girlfriend messaged me, asking if we could be friends, since I'm her boyfriend Ashrul's friend.

Well, of course.

If anything, I accepted for Ashrul's sake.

I really don't know what happened that day. They kept saying I had something to do with it. Sin Fung said, they'd broken up way before this, & then Ashrul came to KKHS & met someone. Here he'd winked at me. I suppose he was talking about me,

but the hell? It was probably this other girl. Though I can't say I don't doubt myself entirely.

And his ex-girlfriend (Who is now his girlfriend) wanted to get back. But Ashrul didn't want to.

& a whole lot of drama, I suppose, happened that I have no idea about, because honestly, Ashrul has NEVER just nodded his head like that & shrugged me off when I ask him what was wrong. He'd either nod & tell me, or shake his head & smile & really pull it off.

It's good that things are fine now. Hopefully they'll treat each other right. I hate it when a couple doesn't work out. In a way it makes me believe that it's more probable than not that a break-up will happen, no matter how many times you say it won't.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, raining.
Thinking, -