Random Stuff.
1. I wish I would swear. I find myself thinking, & typing out certain words, like that f word & that s word and that d word, only to delete them.
2. I wish I could starve myself. Starve and lose weight. Drop one bra size or two- Because honestly, I don't like being big chested. They're alright, I suppose. Not gigantic (In which case I would have already begged for a reduction in Singapore). But still, I wish I could dress a little more freely. It'd feel awesome to be able to wear tighter shirts without worrying about guys eying me.
3. At the end of the day, I'm one of those girls who'd fall in love with a guy who is willing to do anything for a certain other girl he loves no matter how many times he gets snubbed. I'd get stuck in a love triangle. Florence Nightingale effect + I have soft spots for guys who are utterly loyal.
4. Maybe I'm more trusting than other people because, if I'm not badly hurt, I forget about it, and if I'm badly, badly hurt, I know I'll simply lose myself & take revenge in a passive form, and in a way, it'd make everything alright again.
5. I think I'll curl my hair softly next year, since I won't be cutting.
6. If I could cut my hair, though, I'd probably go slightly longer than shoulder length. Two guys have already said I'd look good with shoulder length hair. Guys don't lie when they say stuff like that.
7. If I could get a tattoo, I'd have one on my wrist.
8. If I could wear shorts, I'd wear shorts. I'd get shorts of different colours. Shorts are comfortable, casual but cool, makes legs look slimmer & longer, are not as expensive and can go with almost anything.
9. "I loved the person you used to be." This is one sentence I will never use without adding, "And I still love the person you are now."
10. The times I miss Nigel the most? Let's see. I'll be frank. Times when I visit the beach, hotels, or anywhere cold with soft, yellow lighting & the feeling of being on vacation. Times when I see couples. Times when I see huge burgers (because he has those every now and then.) Times when I see him exchanging posts on Facecake with other people. Times when I read about how much fun he's having. Times when I just lie on my bed with nothing to distract me. That would be every night that I'm not tired to death, then.
11. Since I have so many wishes to do stuff I don't do and may not do now, how about stuff that I don't do and may not do now, and still wouldn't do even if I may not do them?
I still wouldn't smoke. I still wouldn't get drunk, or maybe, drink at all. I still wouldn't shave half my hair off.
12. I dare to be happy about my achievements and crow about them and talk about them and point out what I've done, only because I trust the people I do them with not to think I'm arrogant in a bad way. I trust them to remember that I point out my flaws as well, & I talk about what embarrasses me & my mistakes as well. I trust them to like that I share things with them.
13. I have sudden bursts of perfectionist-syndromes. I suddenly must have everything cleaned this way or that way. I suddenly must finish this assignment perfectly. I suddenly must be thin & this pretty & that fit.
Which probably explains why I have sudden bursts of depressions when I can't complete something nicely, or after I have a decent meal. I feel guilty.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, determined.
Thinking, I'm not weirder than the weirdest of them all.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Wednesday:
I'd just typed out a longish post, but decided not to post it.
Because I know there are people reading this.
Whoa at the difference knowing & not knowing who my audience is. I was so comfortable blabbering away when all I see are blank faces. But now that light has shined on a few of them, I retreat a little.
Not a lot. Because sooner or later I'll forget anyway & type out all the clumps of mess in my heart.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, awake.
Thinking, he should be asleep now, poor guy.
Because I know there are people reading this.
Whoa at the difference knowing & not knowing who my audience is. I was so comfortable blabbering away when all I see are blank faces. But now that light has shined on a few of them, I retreat a little.
Not a lot. Because sooner or later I'll forget anyway & type out all the clumps of mess in my heart.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, awake.
Thinking, he should be asleep now, poor guy.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Tuesday: Yii Chyng's Birthday
Today was also the last day of the first trials for us.
Yii Chyng treated us to Korean cuisine at a shop in Lintas. After that, we had the cake Doraemon got from Uncle Biscuit. We pooled cash together to get that, plus two more presents. A small, pink, noseless mouthless bunny- And a larger version of it which we used to surprise her after she got the small, seemingly cheap one.
I wasn't in the plan, though. So I was as startled as Chyng when Jona took the big, black trash bin bag out (containing the big bunny!)
We took walks at Marina, Sutera after that. Walking in those wedges ain't easy. Not because they're high, but because the straps cut.
Nigel's not feeling well. & he'd finished his sleeping pills so he's having a hard time sleeping now.
It makes sense not to rely on something too much. I try not to rely on coffee to stay awake. I occasionally don't have it even though I feel like I need it, because you must not rely on any form of drugs, medical or not, to function. At least, you try not to.
Easy to say. But when it comes down to it, sometimes I just don't care & want that friggin' sleeping pill or pain killer.
Emotions can be so easily stirred.
Li- Li- Light it up, Light it up tonight.
Music is powerful. So very.
It wouldn't be incorrect to say that music helped me fall for Nigel. I've had crushes, but the one I had on my boyfriend was the deepest. Perhaps this was because I allowed myself to immerse in music that reminded me of him. Or perhaps I only immersed because he was already that big of a deal. Chicken and egg dilemma.
& walking along the lights in the resort gardens- It was just so romantic. And this is as straightforward as I can put it. It sounds ditzy, I suppose. I for one don't appreciate how humans are so easily influenced by their physical environment & music. It causes a lot of inconsistency & problems, if one is not conscious of the influence.
But I am conscious of it, so I suppose it's alright. More than that, in fact. If I am not so easily swayed by the romance that surrounds me, then I'm in for a tragically dull life.
I'm glad I'm someone who squeals in delight over cute, pretty things. I'm happy to be someone who cries when she sees sad things.
As long as I don't cry for myself.
I'm nineteen. I've always wanted to be married by 25.
What I want now might sound silly or dreamy to most, especially to the adults. Because, well, I should be asleep now & wake early for school tomorrow, or studying. I shouldn't be thinking too far ahead.
But I think, what I want is what I want, right? Maybe I should take a chance & just let it be, instead of fitting myself into their mold.
Both paths probably take me somewhere I'll be one day, saying, I made the right decision. Both are probably going to be right decisions.
So why not take the path less traveled by?
I dream of nights just walking by the sea, my hand in his. With nothing to worry about, no school or work the next day to think about. I dream of sea breezes. I dream of turning up the stereo playing our favorite songs. I dream of just snuggling in a cold room, under warm blankets.
I even dream about us fighting. & it's going to be heartbreaking. No other guy is going to hurt me ever so much. No other guy can. & when we make up, the feeling of relief & happiness is going to flood me over, because I would have had been blessed with having him for so long, I wouldn't be able to appreciate him a lot.
Not being able to appreciate Nigel. I don't think that would happen in a long, long time. Normally teenagers fall hard, go through the fiery stages of romance, and it dies out somewhat by itself. We couldn't even spend our so-called honeymoon months together properly.
For myself, I see this as a blessing, our distance apart. It sucks really bad now, it really does. I miss him loads, I become insecure, I become jealous & scared, I'm always wishing for him to be here or for me to be there with him.
When you're deprived of something you badly want for a long time, when you get it, perhaps you wouldn't take it for granted that easily anymore.
He's telling me to go to sleep. I will!
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, a little sad.
Thinking, chin up, be a great girl, girl.
Yii Chyng treated us to Korean cuisine at a shop in Lintas. After that, we had the cake Doraemon got from Uncle Biscuit. We pooled cash together to get that, plus two more presents. A small, pink, noseless mouthless bunny- And a larger version of it which we used to surprise her after she got the small, seemingly cheap one.
I wasn't in the plan, though. So I was as startled as Chyng when Jona took the big, black trash bin bag out (containing the big bunny!)
We took walks at Marina, Sutera after that. Walking in those wedges ain't easy. Not because they're high, but because the straps cut.
Nigel's not feeling well. & he'd finished his sleeping pills so he's having a hard time sleeping now.
It makes sense not to rely on something too much. I try not to rely on coffee to stay awake. I occasionally don't have it even though I feel like I need it, because you must not rely on any form of drugs, medical or not, to function. At least, you try not to.
Easy to say. But when it comes down to it, sometimes I just don't care & want that friggin' sleeping pill or pain killer.
Emotions can be so easily stirred.
Li- Li- Light it up, Light it up tonight.
Music is powerful. So very.
It wouldn't be incorrect to say that music helped me fall for Nigel. I've had crushes, but the one I had on my boyfriend was the deepest. Perhaps this was because I allowed myself to immerse in music that reminded me of him. Or perhaps I only immersed because he was already that big of a deal. Chicken and egg dilemma.
& walking along the lights in the resort gardens- It was just so romantic. And this is as straightforward as I can put it. It sounds ditzy, I suppose. I for one don't appreciate how humans are so easily influenced by their physical environment & music. It causes a lot of inconsistency & problems, if one is not conscious of the influence.
But I am conscious of it, so I suppose it's alright. More than that, in fact. If I am not so easily swayed by the romance that surrounds me, then I'm in for a tragically dull life.
I'm glad I'm someone who squeals in delight over cute, pretty things. I'm happy to be someone who cries when she sees sad things.
As long as I don't cry for myself.
I'm nineteen. I've always wanted to be married by 25.
What I want now might sound silly or dreamy to most, especially to the adults. Because, well, I should be asleep now & wake early for school tomorrow, or studying. I shouldn't be thinking too far ahead.
But I think, what I want is what I want, right? Maybe I should take a chance & just let it be, instead of fitting myself into their mold.
Both paths probably take me somewhere I'll be one day, saying, I made the right decision. Both are probably going to be right decisions.
So why not take the path less traveled by?
I dream of nights just walking by the sea, my hand in his. With nothing to worry about, no school or work the next day to think about. I dream of sea breezes. I dream of turning up the stereo playing our favorite songs. I dream of just snuggling in a cold room, under warm blankets.
I even dream about us fighting. & it's going to be heartbreaking. No other guy is going to hurt me ever so much. No other guy can. & when we make up, the feeling of relief & happiness is going to flood me over, because I would have had been blessed with having him for so long, I wouldn't be able to appreciate him a lot.
Not being able to appreciate Nigel. I don't think that would happen in a long, long time. Normally teenagers fall hard, go through the fiery stages of romance, and it dies out somewhat by itself. We couldn't even spend our so-called honeymoon months together properly.
For myself, I see this as a blessing, our distance apart. It sucks really bad now, it really does. I miss him loads, I become insecure, I become jealous & scared, I'm always wishing for him to be here or for me to be there with him.
When you're deprived of something you badly want for a long time, when you get it, perhaps you wouldn't take it for granted that easily anymore.
He's telling me to go to sleep. I will!
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, a little sad.
Thinking, chin up, be a great girl, girl.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Monday:
Not feeling too good right now. There's like, a stone wedged in on my heart. It hurts sometimes & that forces tears out.
But hey. Crying is for weaklings.
I can't find the Class Page for the magazine that I'd suffered a little for, last week. We thought the deadline was last Friday so I spent quite some time worrying about it & not focusing much on my examinations.
Now I can't find it.
Oh, another thing.
I feel absolutely horrible when I'm treated as though I'm stupid or incompetent. Frustrated, really. I don't know why sometimes I'm totally cool with it, & sometimes I'm not, and I don't care to reason out why now.
I don't want to care about a lot of things now. Maybe everything would be better for me if I weren't so conscientious & think about things from different perspectives. Maybe I should just take one that would do me the most good, & stick to it stubbornly. I find myself dreaming, longing to just take off & leave this home. To do art, or something unorthodox.
One of the easiest ways, it seems, to be strong & unaffected by other people, is to be competent & up there yourself.
Some people have had to claw their way up. & by claw, I mean, since they have to gain the experiences themselves, & learn to harden their hearts without anyone teaching them or encouraging them to, they learn also to be desperate, because of all the effort that is at stake.
Imagine if I have no weight problems, no self esteem problems, no overthinking & caring about what other people think. Imagine if I'm bold enough to start friendships with the wrong kind of people. Imagine if I really am stubborn & rebellious enough to just leave home & STPM & all thissh when people just don't believe I'm independent enough.
Imaginations only, though. Because I've been brought up, all my life, to live in a comfortable, safe environment. My defense mechanism is geared towards wanting respect & recognition, but not more than wanting stability. Thus I conform. I conform even when I don't want to.
I hate myself these times, really. I failed to stay up all night studying last night, & I failed to stick to the diet I'd planned out today.
I don't have any excuses. Even if I have, I must not use them.
A lot to study, Math and Chemistry. Overwhelming. My own fault. Thinking about them now makes me feel slightly sick, physically.
God, lift the curses I've set upon myself. I know I can do it and love it if I don't give up.
And since STPM is considered easy, well, hah. Are you that stupid, Carmelia? Can't you do well in subjects that are deemed not up to international standards? Some say they are, but there are some who say they aren't.
I'm really not this negative. I'm only trying to get myself going more. I only have one life. I have ideas & ideals that no one is going to take seriously if I don't get my ass up in shape. Literally & metaphorically.
If I can't find the class page for the magazine, then I'll just do it again. If I can't do another one in time & our class ends up without a class page, then, well, whatever. I'll feel bad enough as it is, I don't need coal heaped up on me.
Not that they'd blame me. My friends are nice people.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, blank.
Thinking, don't give up.
But hey. Crying is for weaklings.
I can't find the Class Page for the magazine that I'd suffered a little for, last week. We thought the deadline was last Friday so I spent quite some time worrying about it & not focusing much on my examinations.
Now I can't find it.
Oh, another thing.
I feel absolutely horrible when I'm treated as though I'm stupid or incompetent. Frustrated, really. I don't know why sometimes I'm totally cool with it, & sometimes I'm not, and I don't care to reason out why now.
I don't want to care about a lot of things now. Maybe everything would be better for me if I weren't so conscientious & think about things from different perspectives. Maybe I should just take one that would do me the most good, & stick to it stubbornly. I find myself dreaming, longing to just take off & leave this home. To do art, or something unorthodox.
One of the easiest ways, it seems, to be strong & unaffected by other people, is to be competent & up there yourself.
Some people have had to claw their way up. & by claw, I mean, since they have to gain the experiences themselves, & learn to harden their hearts without anyone teaching them or encouraging them to, they learn also to be desperate, because of all the effort that is at stake.
Imagine if I have no weight problems, no self esteem problems, no overthinking & caring about what other people think. Imagine if I'm bold enough to start friendships with the wrong kind of people. Imagine if I really am stubborn & rebellious enough to just leave home & STPM & all this
Imaginations only, though. Because I've been brought up, all my life, to live in a comfortable, safe environment. My defense mechanism is geared towards wanting respect & recognition, but not more than wanting stability. Thus I conform. I conform even when I don't want to.
I hate myself these times, really. I failed to stay up all night studying last night, & I failed to stick to the diet I'd planned out today.
I don't have any excuses. Even if I have, I must not use them.
A lot to study, Math and Chemistry. Overwhelming. My own fault. Thinking about them now makes me feel slightly sick, physically.
God, lift the curses I've set upon myself. I know I can do it and love it if I don't give up.
And since STPM is considered easy, well, hah. Are you that stupid, Carmelia? Can't you do well in subjects that are deemed not up to international standards? Some say they are, but there are some who say they aren't.
I'm really not this negative. I'm only trying to get myself going more. I only have one life. I have ideas & ideals that no one is going to take seriously if I don't get my ass up in shape. Literally & metaphorically.
If I can't find the class page for the magazine, then I'll just do it again. If I can't do another one in time & our class ends up without a class page, then, well, whatever. I'll feel bad enough as it is, I don't need coal heaped up on me.
Not that they'd blame me. My friends are nice people.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, blank.
Thinking, don't give up.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Sunday:
So I totally have no idea why Nigel isn't replying my messages.
Probably napping.
Or mad at me.
Just now I was texting him at the Asia City bazaar, where I hung out with Tasha & three other church friends. I said something about waiting to watch them buka puasa.
He said, them?
I said, the Muslims!
He asked something about what Muslims.
I said, those in Asia City, the hawkers, those in the shops, etc.
I'm not really sure how the conversation went, (since my inbox is full so I delete text messages that are not that mood-lifting) but then suddenly he said, "Forget it I don't even know if you're being deliberately ridiculous or not."
O_O
Before that his autocorrect corrected his 'Buka Puasa' to 'Buka Piassava' or something like that, so I sent back a 'Oh I thought you act cute HAHAHA'
Maybe that was what pissed him off?
I think it has something to do with him not believing the Muslims in Asia City buka puasa, or something. I don't know, because he wouldn't/couldn't explain to me what was so ridiculous.
It bothered me until now, honestly. I've been swaying back & forth from decisions whether to post a status about it, or something else totally non-related to show I don't care, or something to do with me not caring, or something about durian cake. Since my sister's bestfriend is having a birthday on Tuesday and they want to surprise her with durian cake but no shop has it now because it's not the Durian Season.
Nigel hates durians.
I digressed.
Anyway, I decided (so far) not to post anything. Not because I want to show that I don't care- But because I want to train myself not to.
Nigel's probably forgotten about the whole-
AHAHAHAHA LEE CHONG WEI WINNING!
Oh wait. He isn't.
HE WON!
I digressed. (Gotta go post FaceCake status)
Anyway. I really shouldn't be stressing about this. Head hurts a little now. Period just started, and this time I actually felt affected by it. Body aches, mood not really that swell- But I'd consciously made effort to control myself today so everything went nice & dandy :D
In the past, the people I've thought about becoming like are boys from La Salle & All Saints. The group from La Salle includes these two boys called Ralph Lauren & Raul. They're good friends, they're cool, but at the same time, friendly & human. Raul actually wanted to take a picture with me once, & he wasn't all cocky & confident. They're hilarious, nice, good with Madam V (Our English Literature teacher)- Well, cool, in my terms.
Of course, I don't know them all that well so I wouldn't know about flaws that I wouldn't like.
(There are two types of flaws: Flaws I'd categorize as flaws but still don't mind at all, like, for example, being too dramatic or laziness; & flaws I am bothered about, for example... Being unforgiving.)
But yeah.
The boys from All Saints is actually only one guy: Jinho. This one I know well so I know stuff about him that makes me roll my eyes.
But as a role model, he's a very good one. In addition to all the other traits he had that has made him a favorite of many adults, he's godly. I have been jealous before of his passion for God, the way he can just dance in front, worshiping, & the way he really lives. He stands for what he believes in (like, he was firm in not wearing a skirt, even for a college event, even just 'for fun'). & the praises & admiration I've heard him voice out about other people serve to highlight his own humility.
Which is why I wanted to be like him.
Girls, I don't remember one. Only the one fictional character I'd created, perhaps. Raine. Cold on the outside, soft on the inside. Practical. Can be obstinate. Very silent. Intelligent. Moderate.
Things I'm not.
Why aren't I? I'm conscious about my flaws, aren't I? So why don't I change?
Stuff I think I am:
1. Friendly
2. Empathic
3. Civic minded
4. Proud
5. Stubborn
6. Lazy
7. Emotional
# To change number 4, I should strive to be more humble.
I should shut up about myself, & always either deny it, or accept quietly when someone compliments me. Even if it's a friend, I should not act happy or as though I already know it, even though I do it in jest.
I should always be willing to let others take over, even if I think my decision would be better.
And if it turns out my decision would have been better, I should not even think about it.
# To change number 5, I should strive to be more flexible.
People I should always listen to & truly accept criticisms & advice from: My parents, my pastor & his wife, my grandparents, Nigel.
People I should listen to but not take more seriously than my own opinions: My classmates, my teachers, my friends.
I should always, always listen first before I dismiss anything. I should obey my parents. (Which means I should stop blogging very soon.)
# To change number 6, I should strive to be more hardworking.
No excuses. Specific things I should work on:
My diet. No eating anything other than fruits and vegetables. No crackers, no cakes, no bread, no sushi, no rice, no mee, no nothing other than fruits, vegetables, liquids.
My exercise regime. Examinations are actually not a valid reason for me not to go jogging. Period, well, maybe, because I don't want to end up fainting on the hill (& I don't bring my phone when jogging).
My revisions. I've said to myself I'll stay up to finish studying for the paper tomorrow. Three chapters full. Even if it takes all night. I've gotten the best marks for this paper before. I must try my best to get the top grade again.
My piano. I remember the promise to Nigel that the next time he listens to me play my Grade 7 piano exam pieces, they will be perfect.
My guitar. Ashrul & Jonathan are picking up the guitar. I must not lose to them :D
(I think there are some more, but I shouldn't waste too much time here. I have to go offline soon.)
# To change number 7, I should strive to
But wait. Is being emotional a bad thing?
Judging from my fictional characters & the people I admire, yes. It is a bad thing. I've always liked the quality of being cool (In the cold, quiet way, not the omgyouawesome way.)
I simply let out my feelings.
On the other hand, when I'm not being extremely happy and clapping my hands or moaning about something I'm unhappy about, I'm very stone-faced.
Then again, how about other people? They do that too, I suppose. Oh. So I'm normal?
But when I do express myself, it is quite extreme. And I do it more than other people do.
*quite moment*
Some people say writing down your feelings help you understand them and get over them. I think I believe that. So I think I should start putting aside time at night to write/type about my feelings again. So I won't be crazy bipolar the next day.
& through it all, I have only one person in mind. I'm not sure why. & sometimes, I feel frustrated at myself for that. I really don't want to be ridiculous.
Then again, it is not ridiculous to always care. The problem is when I care too much.
It's not, when's the right time to care.
It's, where do you draw the line between 'I care but I'm not bothered' and 'Whatever'.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, pain in the head.
Thinking, I WILL stay up all night if I have to.
Probably napping.
Or mad at me.
Just now I was texting him at the Asia City bazaar, where I hung out with Tasha & three other church friends. I said something about waiting to watch them buka puasa.
He said, them?
I said, the Muslims!
He asked something about what Muslims.
I said, those in Asia City, the hawkers, those in the shops, etc.
I'm not really sure how the conversation went, (since my inbox is full so I delete text messages that are not that mood-lifting) but then suddenly he said, "Forget it I don't even know if you're being deliberately ridiculous or not."
O_O
Before that his autocorrect corrected his 'Buka Puasa' to 'Buka Piassava' or something like that, so I sent back a 'Oh I thought you act cute HAHAHA'
Maybe that was what pissed him off?
I think it has something to do with him not believing the Muslims in Asia City buka puasa, or something. I don't know, because he wouldn't/couldn't explain to me what was so ridiculous.
It bothered me until now, honestly. I've been swaying back & forth from decisions whether to post a status about it, or something else totally non-related to show I don't care, or something to do with me not caring, or something about durian cake. Since my sister's bestfriend is having a birthday on Tuesday and they want to surprise her with durian cake but no shop has it now because it's not the Durian Season.
Nigel hates durians.
I digressed.
Anyway, I decided (so far) not to post anything. Not because I want to show that I don't care- But because I want to train myself not to.
Nigel's probably forgotten about the whole-
AHAHAHAHA LEE CHONG WEI WINNING!
Oh wait. He isn't.
HE WON!
I digressed. (Gotta go post FaceCake status)
Anyway. I really shouldn't be stressing about this. Head hurts a little now. Period just started, and this time I actually felt affected by it. Body aches, mood not really that swell- But I'd consciously made effort to control myself today so everything went nice & dandy :D
In the past, the people I've thought about becoming like are boys from La Salle & All Saints. The group from La Salle includes these two boys called Ralph Lauren & Raul. They're good friends, they're cool, but at the same time, friendly & human. Raul actually wanted to take a picture with me once, & he wasn't all cocky & confident. They're hilarious, nice, good with Madam V (Our English Literature teacher)- Well, cool, in my terms.
Of course, I don't know them all that well so I wouldn't know about flaws that I wouldn't like.
(There are two types of flaws: Flaws I'd categorize as flaws but still don't mind at all, like, for example, being too dramatic or laziness; & flaws I am bothered about, for example... Being unforgiving.)
But yeah.
The boys from All Saints is actually only one guy: Jinho. This one I know well so I know stuff about him that makes me roll my eyes.
But as a role model, he's a very good one. In addition to all the other traits he had that has made him a favorite of many adults, he's godly. I have been jealous before of his passion for God, the way he can just dance in front, worshiping, & the way he really lives. He stands for what he believes in (like, he was firm in not wearing a skirt, even for a college event, even just 'for fun'). & the praises & admiration I've heard him voice out about other people serve to highlight his own humility.
Which is why I wanted to be like him.
Girls, I don't remember one. Only the one fictional character I'd created, perhaps. Raine. Cold on the outside, soft on the inside. Practical. Can be obstinate. Very silent. Intelligent. Moderate.
Things I'm not.
Why aren't I? I'm conscious about my flaws, aren't I? So why don't I change?
Stuff I think I am:
1. Friendly
2. Empathic
3. Civic minded
4. Proud
5. Stubborn
6. Lazy
7. Emotional
# To change number 4, I should strive to be more humble.
I should shut up about myself, & always either deny it, or accept quietly when someone compliments me. Even if it's a friend, I should not act happy or as though I already know it, even though I do it in jest.
I should always be willing to let others take over, even if I think my decision would be better.
And if it turns out my decision would have been better, I should not even think about it.
# To change number 5, I should strive to be more flexible.
People I should always listen to & truly accept criticisms & advice from: My parents, my pastor & his wife, my grandparents, Nigel.
People I should listen to but not take more seriously than my own opinions: My classmates, my teachers, my friends.
I should always, always listen first before I dismiss anything. I should obey my parents. (Which means I should stop blogging very soon.)
# To change number 6, I should strive to be more hardworking.
No excuses. Specific things I should work on:
My diet. No eating anything other than fruits and vegetables. No crackers, no cakes, no bread, no sushi, no rice, no mee, no nothing other than fruits, vegetables, liquids.
My exercise regime. Examinations are actually not a valid reason for me not to go jogging. Period, well, maybe, because I don't want to end up fainting on the hill (& I don't bring my phone when jogging).
My revisions. I've said to myself I'll stay up to finish studying for the paper tomorrow. Three chapters full. Even if it takes all night. I've gotten the best marks for this paper before. I must try my best to get the top grade again.
My piano. I remember the promise to Nigel that the next time he listens to me play my Grade 7 piano exam pieces, they will be perfect.
My guitar. Ashrul & Jonathan are picking up the guitar. I must not lose to them :D
(I think there are some more, but I shouldn't waste too much time here. I have to go offline soon.)
# To change number 7, I should strive to
But wait. Is being emotional a bad thing?
Judging from my fictional characters & the people I admire, yes. It is a bad thing. I've always liked the quality of being cool (In the cold, quiet way, not the omgyouawesome way.)
I simply let out my feelings.
On the other hand, when I'm not being extremely happy and clapping my hands or moaning about something I'm unhappy about, I'm very stone-faced.
Then again, how about other people? They do that too, I suppose. Oh. So I'm normal?
But when I do express myself, it is quite extreme. And I do it more than other people do.
*quite moment*
Some people say writing down your feelings help you understand them and get over them. I think I believe that. So I think I should start putting aside time at night to write/type about my feelings again. So I won't be crazy bipolar the next day.
& through it all, I have only one person in mind. I'm not sure why. & sometimes, I feel frustrated at myself for that. I really don't want to be ridiculous.
Then again, it is not ridiculous to always care. The problem is when I care too much.
It's not, when's the right time to care.
It's, where do you draw the line between 'I care but I'm not bothered' and 'Whatever'.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, pain in the head.
Thinking, I WILL stay up all night if I have to.
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