Monday:

Not feeling too good right now. There's like, a stone wedged in on my heart. It hurts sometimes & that forces tears out.

But hey. Crying is for weaklings.

I can't find the Class Page for the magazine that I'd suffered a little for, last week. We thought the deadline was last Friday so I spent quite some time worrying about it & not focusing much on my examinations.

Now I can't find it.

Oh, another thing.

I feel absolutely horrible when I'm treated as though I'm stupid or incompetent. Frustrated, really. I don't know why sometimes I'm totally cool with it, & sometimes I'm not, and I don't care to reason out why now.

I don't want to care about a lot of things now. Maybe everything would be better for me if I weren't so conscientious & think about things from different perspectives. Maybe I should just take one that would do me the most good, & stick to it stubbornly. I find myself dreaming, longing to just take off & leave this home. To do art, or something unorthodox.

One of the easiest ways, it seems, to be strong & unaffected by other people, is to be competent & up there yourself.

Some people have had to claw their way up. & by claw, I mean, since they have to gain the experiences themselves, & learn to harden their hearts without anyone teaching them or encouraging them to, they learn also to be desperate, because of all the effort that is at stake.

Imagine if I have no weight problems, no self esteem problems, no overthinking & caring about what other people think. Imagine if I'm bold enough to start friendships with the wrong kind of people. Imagine if I really am stubborn & rebellious enough to just leave home & STPM & all this sh when people just don't believe I'm independent enough.

Imaginations only, though. Because I've been brought up, all my life, to live in a comfortable, safe environment. My defense mechanism is geared towards wanting respect & recognition, but not more than wanting stability. Thus I conform. I conform even when I don't want to.

I hate myself these times, really. I failed to stay up all night studying last night, & I failed to stick to the diet I'd planned out today.

I don't have any excuses. Even if I have, I must not use them.

A lot to study, Math and Chemistry. Overwhelming. My own fault. Thinking about them now makes me feel slightly sick, physically.

God, lift the curses I've set upon myself. I know I can do it and love it if I don't give up.

And since STPM is considered easy, well, hah. Are you that stupid, Carmelia? Can't you do well in subjects that are deemed not up to international standards? Some say they are, but there are some who say they aren't.

I'm really not this negative. I'm only trying to get myself going more. I only have one life. I have ideas & ideals that no one is going to take seriously if I don't get my ass up in shape. Literally & metaphorically.

If I can't find the class page for the magazine, then I'll just do it again. If I can't do another one in time & our class ends up without a class page, then, well, whatever. I'll feel bad enough as it is, I don't need coal heaped up on me.

Not that they'd blame me. My friends are nice people.



Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, blank.
Thinking, don't give up.