Tuesday:

Random Stuff.

1. I wish I would swear. I find myself thinking, & typing out certain words, like that f word & that s word and that d word, only to delete them.

2. I wish I could starve myself. Starve and lose weight. Drop one bra size or two- Because honestly, I don't like being big chested. They're alright, I suppose. Not gigantic (In which case I would have already begged for a reduction in Singapore). But still, I wish I could dress a little more freely. It'd feel awesome to be able to wear tighter shirts without worrying about guys eying me.

3. At the end of the day, I'm one of those girls who'd fall in love with a guy who is willing to do anything for a certain other girl he loves no matter how many times he gets snubbed. I'd get stuck in a love triangle. Florence Nightingale effect + I have soft spots for guys who are utterly loyal.

4. Maybe I'm more trusting than other people because, if I'm not badly hurt, I forget about it, and if I'm badly, badly hurt, I know I'll simply lose myself & take revenge in a passive form, and in a way, it'd make everything alright again.

5. I think I'll curl my hair softly next year, since I won't be cutting.

6. If I could cut my hair, though, I'd probably go slightly longer than shoulder length. Two guys have already said I'd look good with shoulder length hair. Guys don't lie when they say stuff like that.

7. If I could get a tattoo, I'd have one on my wrist.

8. If I could wear shorts, I'd wear shorts. I'd get shorts of different colours. Shorts are comfortable, casual but cool, makes legs look slimmer & longer, are not as expensive and can go with almost anything.

9. "I loved the person you used to be." This is one sentence I will never use without adding, "And I still love the person you are now."

10. The times I miss Nigel the most? Let's see. I'll be frank. Times when I visit the beach, hotels, or anywhere cold with soft, yellow lighting & the feeling of being on vacation. Times when I see couples. Times when I see huge burgers (because he has those every now and then.) Times when I see him exchanging posts on Facecake with other people. Times when I read about how much fun he's having. Times when I just lie on my bed with nothing to distract me. That would be every night that I'm not tired to death, then.

11. Since I have so many wishes to do stuff I don't do and may not do now, how about stuff that I don't do and may not do now, and still wouldn't do even if I may not do them?

I still wouldn't smoke. I still wouldn't get drunk, or maybe, drink at all. I still wouldn't shave half my hair off.


12. I dare to be happy about my achievements and crow about them and talk about them and point out what I've done, only because I trust the people I do them with not to think I'm arrogant in a bad way. I trust them to remember that I point out my flaws as well, & I talk about what embarrasses me & my mistakes as well. I trust them to like that I share things with them.

13. I have sudden bursts of perfectionist-syndromes. I suddenly must have everything cleaned this way or that way. I suddenly must finish this assignment perfectly. I suddenly must be thin & this pretty & that fit.

Which probably explains why I have sudden bursts of depressions when I can't complete something nicely, or after I have a decent meal. I feel guilty.



Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, determined.
Thinking, I'm not weirder than the weirdest of them all.