Sunday:

So I totally have no idea why Nigel isn't replying my messages.

Probably napping.

Or mad at me.

Just now I was texting him at the Asia City bazaar, where I hung out with Tasha & three other church friends. I said something about waiting to watch them buka puasa.

He said, them?

I said, the Muslims!

He asked something about what Muslims.

I said, those in Asia City, the hawkers, those in the shops, etc.

I'm not really sure how the conversation went, (since my inbox is full so I delete text messages that are not that mood-lifting) but then suddenly he said, "Forget it I don't even know if you're being deliberately ridiculous or not."

O_O

Before that his autocorrect corrected his 'Buka Puasa' to 'Buka Piassava' or something like that, so I sent back a 'Oh I thought you act cute HAHAHA'

Maybe that was what pissed him off?

I think it has something to do with him not believing the Muslims in Asia City buka puasa, or something. I don't know, because he wouldn't/couldn't explain to me what was so ridiculous.

It bothered me until now, honestly. I've been swaying back & forth from decisions whether to post a status about it, or something else totally non-related to show I don't care, or something to do with me not caring, or something about durian cake. Since my sister's bestfriend is having a birthday on Tuesday and they want to surprise her with durian cake but no shop has it now because it's not the Durian Season.

Nigel hates durians.

I digressed.

Anyway, I decided (so far) not to post anything. Not because I want to show that I don't care- But because I want to train myself not to.

Nigel's probably forgotten about the whole-

AHAHAHAHA LEE CHONG WEI WINNING!

Oh wait. He isn't.

HE WON!

I digressed. (Gotta go post FaceCake status)

Anyway. I really shouldn't be stressing about this. Head hurts a little now. Period just started, and this time I actually felt affected by it. Body aches, mood not really that swell- But I'd consciously made effort to control myself today so everything went nice & dandy :D

In the past, the people I've thought about becoming like are boys from La Salle & All Saints. The group from La Salle includes these two boys called Ralph Lauren & Raul. They're good friends, they're cool, but at the same time, friendly & human. Raul actually wanted to take a picture with me once, & he wasn't all cocky & confident. They're hilarious, nice, good with Madam V (Our English Literature teacher)- Well, cool, in my terms.

Of course, I don't know them all that well so I wouldn't know about flaws that I wouldn't like.

(There are two types of flaws: Flaws I'd categorize as flaws but still don't mind at all, like, for example, being too dramatic or laziness; & flaws I am bothered about, for example... Being unforgiving.)

But yeah.

The boys from All Saints is actually only one guy: Jinho. This one I know well so I know stuff about him that makes me roll my eyes.

But as a role model, he's a very good one. In addition to all the other traits he had that has made him a favorite of many adults, he's godly. I have been jealous before of his passion for God, the way he can just dance in front, worshiping, & the way he really lives. He stands for what he believes in (like, he was firm in not wearing a skirt, even for a college event, even just 'for fun'). & the praises & admiration I've heard him voice out about other people serve to highlight his own humility.

Which is why I wanted to be like him.

Girls, I don't remember one. Only the one fictional character I'd created, perhaps. Raine. Cold on the outside, soft on the inside. Practical. Can be obstinate. Very silent. Intelligent. Moderate.

Things I'm not.

Why aren't I? I'm conscious about my flaws, aren't I? So why don't I change?

Stuff I think I am:

1. Friendly
2. Empathic
3. Civic minded
4. Proud
5. Stubborn
6. Lazy
7. Emotional


# To change number 4, I should strive to be more humble.

I should shut up about myself, & always either deny it, or accept quietly when someone compliments me. Even if it's a friend, I should not act happy or as though I already know it, even though I do it in jest.

I should always be willing to let others take over, even if I think my decision would be better.

And if it turns out my decision would have been better, I should not even think about it.

# To change number 5, I should strive to be more flexible.

People I should always listen to & truly accept criticisms & advice from: My parents, my pastor & his wife, my grandparents, Nigel.

People I should listen to but not take more seriously than my own opinions: My classmates, my teachers, my friends.

I should always, always listen first before I dismiss anything. I should obey my parents. (Which means I should stop blogging very soon.)

# To change number 6, I should strive to be more hardworking.

No excuses. Specific things I should work on:

My diet. No eating anything other than fruits and vegetables. No crackers, no cakes, no bread, no sushi, no rice, no mee, no nothing other than fruits, vegetables, liquids.

My exercise regime. Examinations are actually not a valid reason for me not to go jogging. Period, well, maybe, because I don't want to end up fainting on the hill (& I don't bring my phone when jogging).

My revisions. I've said to myself I'll stay up to finish studying for the paper tomorrow. Three chapters full. Even if it takes all night. I've gotten the best marks for this paper before. I must try my best to get the top grade again.

My piano. I remember the promise to Nigel that the next time he listens to me play my Grade 7 piano exam pieces, they will be perfect.

My guitar. Ashrul & Jonathan are picking up the guitar. I must not lose to them :D

(I think there are some more, but I shouldn't waste too much time here. I have to go offline soon.)

# To change number 7, I should strive to

But wait. Is being emotional a bad thing?

Judging from my fictional characters & the people I admire, yes. It is a bad thing. I've always liked the quality of being cool (In the cold, quiet way, not the omgyouawesome way.)

I simply let out my feelings.

On the other hand, when I'm not being extremely happy and clapping my hands or moaning about something I'm unhappy about, I'm very stone-faced.

Then again, how about other people? They do that too, I suppose. Oh. So I'm normal?

But when I do express myself, it is quite extreme. And I do it more than other people do.

*quite moment*

Some people say writing down your feelings help you understand them and get over them. I think I believe that. So I think I should start putting aside time at night to write/type about my feelings again. So I won't be crazy bipolar the next day.





& through it all, I have only one person in mind. I'm not sure why. & sometimes, I feel frustrated at myself for that. I really don't want to be ridiculous.

Then again, it is not ridiculous to always care. The problem is when I care too much.

It's not, when's the right time to care.

It's, where do you draw the line between 'I care but I'm not bothered' and 'Whatever'.





Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, pain in the head.
Thinking, I WILL stay up all night if I have to.