Saturday: Sophia's 14th Birthday

Woke up at 10+. Cooked some Maggi for Mei's lunch. Watched Ghibli. Went out with parents. Came home. Watched Ghibli. Sang happy birthday, Mei cut her birthday cake. Ghibli. Went out for dinner with family. Came home. Ghibli.

Not much happened today. Watched Pom Poko & Porco Rosso (Ghibli movies) mostly. I do feel guilty about wasting a day like this. Try, try again tomorrow to be more productive.

***

Malleable. Perhaps everyone is, but most, not more than I am. Perhaps that is so only because I'm aware of this trait. Or perhaps because I don't see change as a bad thing.

Maybe I'm malleable because I haven't found my identity. Maybe it's the other way around. Or maybe, I'm not as malleable as I think. Maybe I just like the idea that I'm not yet there, not yet permanently one character, stuck in one type of thinking, acting, speaking.

I'd hate to be permanently fixed. Think of all the characters I can be.



Tough mechanic-type. In-your-face. Smudged overalls. Ponytail. Knows her stuff.

Computer genius. Anti-social. Huge glasses. Headphones. Knows her stuff.

Inspirational teacher. Busy, selfless. Pretty clothes. Files & basket. Loves my students.

Eccentric artist. Idiosyncratic. Newsboy cap. Oddly chopped up hair. Perfectionist.

Musician. Social butterfly. Modern, tight, slightly revealing. Inconsistent hairstyles. Rocks.

Baker. Generous, loved. Motherly. Dressed simple. Hair in a bun. Works very hard, very well.

Professional psychiatrist. Calm, knowledgeable. Smart specs. Sophisticated. Knows her stuff.

Journalist. Inquisitive, stubborn. Pen behind the ear. Shoulder-length hair. Never gives up.

Writer.


I'm not stereotyping professions. These are directions I might take don't mind taking. Which one, is the question.

There are others, of course. Perhaps mix-&-match. New options keep rising. Some options become forgotten.

I've thought of changing who I am every now and then. But there will always be someone who is the constant self amongst all those characters. She's the one I want to focus on. Not the shells.

Whatever I become, though, there are a few things I want.

To be true to God.

To be true to Nigel.

To always choose love over hate.

To always choose forgiveness over revenge.

Whether I end up living far from society, or right in the middle of a bustling city;

whether I end up working long hours everyday, or going about in a relaxing pace;

whether I end up as a tough & outspoken, or a quietly strong young lady;

whether I end up busy & happy with five kids, or busy & happy with none;

whether I end up working at a desk, or out in the field;

whether I work with facts & paperwork, or colors & my imagination-

whether whatever.




Signed, Carmelia.

Thinking, I should go to bed.
Feeling, pensive.