Last blog post for today, I think.

I should be cleaning up my room, or studying, or trying to start on my articles. But I find so much solace in writing stuff.

Some other random things on my mind:


1. "But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing." Matthew 6:3

What else can I say? I still don't know what is acceptable- Surely to hide every good deed you do would be... Well, too much? How about letting others know to declare the glory of God?

God sees the heart. That's all that matters. As for me, I will do well not to judge. Especially as I barely give anything to any needy.


2. I'm suspecting that pa has gone through something similar in his youth. I vaguely remember him telling me about this girl he was with, & how he had to break up with her because he was expected by his parents to finish his studies. I wonder what happened, exactly. I wonder what he did.

I suspect because, he's... Rather calm about it, relatively. Or perhaps a better word would be, 'forgiving'.


3. Nigel has one pretty super mum. I can't help but feel inferior, as though she's a standard I must constantly try to reach, or I'll never be a good enough wide. Work my ass off, be super cool with people, be a perfectionist, totally disciplined, prim and proper, takes needy children off the street, donate cash to random poor, organize church events, take fantastic pictures.

I feel slightly dizzy just thinking about her.


4. I hadn't thought of asking Nigel to help me find a compact bible when he told me about the book fair. I feel bad about it. Even if there wouldn't be any bibles there, still. I need a bible. I should be more concerned about getting myself one.

5. God is merciful, God is awesome, God's love is fantastic.

I don't know how to describe what I feel about those facts, & even what I feel is so very limited.

He loves me although I only turn to him in my darkest hours- Other times, I've ignored him, ignored the nudges & the guilt. He loves me. Oh God, how on earth can You love me. How can you still comfort me when I'm suffering for something I've done against You? How can You still forgive me, again and again, & let me start anew? How can You answer the prayers that only come in floods when I'm in trouble?

You're God alone. I'm still struggling. I'm still selfish, vain, proud, ignorant, lazy. I don't even know whether I'm working on being not. I cannot work on it. I need You to help me. Whatever good is in me now, it's due to You. Whatever good that is going to be in me int he future, it is going to be due to You. All to You. All the effort I'm going to put in, even, is not going to be my own.

6. Some guy said this before, or something like this: "Girls are dramatic, overthink, worry too much, take things too seriously, try too hard, don't relax, can't have fun- But that's what makes their love so damn loyal & reliable."

Sometimes I face the choices of either dismissing something that has gotten my attention, or thinking further about it & asking or taking action as I deem necessary.

I usually go for the latter, because I'd rather be scolded for being too paranoid, than regret when he gets hurts or I'd actually overlooked his feelings.

7. There's so much I don't know, that I'm not sure of. We really never know what is truly happening, what is going to happen. We're not even certain, most of the time, of what had happened.

In minutes, I'll be going to bed, and forgetting about this. I'll forget that I really don't know much of anything, and I'll forget the realization that I must rely on God, at all times, whatever happens. We're in the dark, feet lighted, only the feet. The path ahead is not visible.

One more thing that I am at least fairly certain I must do is to continue on with Nigel. Truly, unless God sends me concrete dreams & signs not to, I will always endeavor to be with him. Sounds so corny & mushy & immature, I feel slightly ill. But only slightly. I'm not setting this based on what I'm feeling now. I'm setting this because I don't want to jump to another guy. No. One guy, that's it. No more. I cannot, not without doing my utmost, very best.