Monday:

Watched Dead Poets' Society today. Felt a wide range of emotions, and thought a lot. As opposed to most of the others, I suppose. I wonder how many really watched the movie. I wonder if the reality of Carpe Diem not being lived was only mine.

Stuff I learnt:

1. Free Thinking is good. But there are limits to freedom.

2. Teachers of something are not always to be blamed when that something is used out of context in a negative way by their students.

3. Don't commit suicide.

4. Teaching is probably the one thing I will both enjoy doing & still earn a living from, given that I do not lose my inspiration to teach the way I dream I will be able to teach.

I went to the back to wake Yi Quan up & do our PA worksheets together. I think I'll do this more often. We're both quite behind in our studies. I prefer studying with him than the others we're both at roughly the same level. Capable, but no effort.

& Yi Quan listens to me. Lets me enjoy the illusion of being able to boss him around :D But not totally spineless that I would feel uncomfortable.

I'd rather be able to give as well as take in a study group than keep taking.

***


Nigel asked me before, if I was bisexual.

Uhm. Okay. No way.

I have thought before, the possibility of me being bisexual if I wasn't a Christian. Lesbian, no way. But bisexuality?... Possible. But not probable. If I weren't a Christian, I'd still cringe at the thought of a girl-girl sexual/romantic relationship.

I don't hate homosexuals. I love them, for being different, for the struggles they have & are going through. I wonder about how they feel, what caused them to choose this path.

But I hate homosexuality. I'm not at all a good Christian, but I know it's wrong. It's an abomination to the Lord. There are those who would blast me for this. But I stand by this. It's my opinion that the abuse & hatred that homosexuals & transsexuals suffered in the past has caused this rebound. Abuse & hatred is wrong. But the other extreme is wrong as well.

I've sometimes thought about how I'd be like if I were a boy. Probably sporty, probably tall. Cleft chin. Curly-ish hair. I don't think I'd be this much into books, though. Name would rhyme with Jimmy- Maybe Jerry, or Harry. Johnny.

When people ask me whether I think this or that girl is pretty- It really depends on what kind of pretty. For me, there's the I-want-to-look-like-her kind, & the if-I-were-a-boy-I'd-like-her kind. The latter involves personality.



Signed, Carmelia.

Thinking, Carpe Diem.
Feeling, tired but urged to work.