Wednesday: Cuti Sendiri

I woke up at 5.30 this morning, & spent the next forty minutes wondering whether to go to school or not, while getting myself ready for school. I'd brushed my teeth, washed my face, put on everything except my PBSM uniform, got my bag ready...

Decided not to. Because I couldn't face having to go through the school day like every fifteen minutes is a hurdle to get through.

It's not THAT bad. Just a nagging, uncomfortable feeling inside myself that I can usually ignore. But yesterday was horrible. I went to bed at around 8.30, & I only got up & about this morning at 10+.

I don't know what's up. My period's not arriving. It's not unusual; my period comes at very erratic times- Something to be concerned about, I know. We'd been to see the doctor at the family planning centre (Okay, sounds like I got pregnant or something, but rest assured, none of my ova are fertilized) & I was asked to note down the times I start & end my period, as well as the conditions, i.e. any pain, amount.

I... Kind of forgot to. So I'll have to start over, for at least two months, before I can go see the doctor again.

I did some work today, at home. More than I'd do if I was at school, what with kokum & kolokium until 4.30. I'm missing out 5 merit marks for messing up my perfect attendance for April, 5 merit marks for kolokium today, & one signature for today's kokum meeting. I really, really thought about it before deciding not to go to school today. I needed the rest. I thought about it Tuesday, but I was not that sleepy & tired, & we had our class picture taken that day.

Went to youth just now, & spent some time catching up with the youth. That is, Kiren. We talked about how racist the students at IS can be, against the Indians. Then I asked about Emery, wondering how she is. She hasn't updated her blog in quite some time. Kiren said she was fine, though she doesn't like the school. Not surprising, I guess.

With Nigel being so hardworking & geared up &, you know, even 'up there' than the 'up there' he was before, I feel both motivated & pressured to do even better. To be more disciplined & proper-ish. I want to be able to be studying all the time, & not waste time hanging around. Even if I waste time hanging around, during school hours, I want to be on the books without slack. Get home & rest, or start on my homework, & not wait until night has fallen. Exercise! Eat healthy, not binge on doughnuts. Start being more responsible with my finances- Oh my gosh, everything's in a mess now.

I must not let my failures press me down. I must try again, & again, and again. If scolding myself doesn't work, then maybe encouraging myself & cutting myself some slack would. If that doesn't then maybe I'll get a good friend or two to help keep me in check, though I'd hate that. If that doesn't, then maybe I'll get my mum to help, which might kill our relationship so then again, maybe not. If that doesn't work, then maybe I'll try rewarding myself when I get through a day being disciplined & productive.

I can't help but contrast all these struggles with those times Nigel was around. There was a period last year, around... September, if I wasn't mistaken. We saw each other quite frequently. & the time during Melissa's birthday, when I was quite happy with just the proper lunch & dinner I had. No cravings, no 'wanting more', no guilty feelings. That was super awesome, people. The feeling of contentment, & yet wanting to do better & being confident of yourself, is super nice. Healthy, too.

Nowadays, sometimes it's like that, sometimes it's not. Mood swinging, much.

But overall, I'm happy. :) I'm looking forward to pushing myself & getting all excited for the mid-year examinations, because I'm not stupid & I can get good results, if only I get off my lazy butt. & I'm looking forward to Jinho's return, though it wouldn't be anytime before August. I think they're planning it as a surprise for the youth.

Most of all, I'm looking forward to Nigel's return home in June. I won't like the conflicts between my parents & I over the time I get to spend with Nigel with, but as long as he's back, it's all good. Sometimes I get so scared & excited about it, I actually withdraw & act all cool. That happens. Like the fire on the stove suddenly does a mini explosion & instead of dancing around screaming, I'd just look at it & every shock withdraws, allowing me to coolly evaluate the situation & quickly do the right thing.

It's both beneficial & bad. This way, sometimes I react wayyy too slowly. But then, I won't panic.

Okay, I should either go to bed now, or do some studying. Probably the former.

Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, hungry.
Thinking, the words I use might not be conveying how I really am. Who would know? I don't.