Friday: Last MUET day

We had MUET for every lesson before recess, & after that, since the teachers were busy moving their stuff around (they are reshuffling the teachers' lounges today), us Bionists spent our Biology period chatting & studying MUET in the lab.

No more MUET after today. It's kind of sad, for me, because English is the only subject I can really relax in & enjoy. But it's okay. Get it over it; one less subject will always be good.

Mum spent the morning going through our statistics with us, before passing out papers with incomplete lyrics. Waka waka?

"OH AH! OH AH!" Music blared out from the octopus mini speaker connected to her laptop in front. Ohhhh!

So we had fun, listening, trying to catch the words & writing them down. Kononnya if we can get all fourteen words correct, we'd get Band 6! But hey, motivation works ;) It was amusing, especially during the AMAMAHDYAHBGEWIUSW BIKI BIKI WONG MAN part. HAHAHA. I had NEVER noticed the "From A, to Z" part, sandwiched between the incomprehensible African words, as well as the "From east, to the west" part. But since I sat near the laptop, I caught the words.

Tomorrow, I'll be sitting on the far left, third from the front. The radio, if we do not get the extensions, will be in the upper right corner. That means I might have a small problem. But so far, during our examinations, I can listen just fine, so I'm not really worried.

I'm not really worried about reading either. I'm only worried about writing, because when I get stressed out & in front of me is a blank piece of slate waiting for me to be the proactive one, I tend to not do anything. Either that, or I'm really slow & panicky.

Studying for MUET will be like reading stories & articles for me- quite a hobby, only now I have to pay attention to more difficult/technical terms, & I cannot skip the boring parts.

We end at around 12:30PM. After that, I'll be going home for a shower, before going out to join the pack for paintball, & then steak at JJ's, & then basketball court. Hopefully I'll be so tired that I'll fall straight into sleep when I get home tomorrow night. I must remember to inform Brother Nicholas that I won't be able to play the piano this Sunday.

Have to work HARDER at my Math & Chemistry. Biology & General Studies are alright, because the motivation to excel in something comes easier to me than the motivation to merely pass something. When I'm mediocre, I slack a lot. When I'm good, I happily strive for better. Gotta change the former philosophy & keep the latter.

Last night, I ended up staying up till eleven plus. I didn't even know I was up until the message ringtone rang (that phone is LOUD). I checked the time & was like, wait, did i sleep? No, I didn't. I was just lying in bed, dazed out & tired, half unconscious & dreaming dreams but not really unaware of what was happening around me. Like the fan moving, & the sound of cars roaring past on the highway.

Why? I don't know. I barely wanted to think about why. It's nice when people care & ask me why I don't look okay, but when I myself don't know why, it sucks to be asked, because it makes me think. Jona asked why, & I just brushed it aside with whatever it was I said, before changing the subject.

I'm trying to remember any time when I'd turned around & walked away, & someone had actually run after me. Nothing of the joking sort; any time when I was angry or sad, & I'd actually turned to go.

I only dare do that to my mum, because we're close enough, & she certainly wouldn't run after me.

I don't do that to Melissa & Pearl, the few times we'd really fought. Melissa was more of a head-on fight; Pearl lashed out in harsh cold wars. I'd just bit my tongue & stayed rather quiet. If I had turned my back on them, they surely didn't chase after me. Melissa wouldn't because, well, she'd be mad too, at that time. & Pearl and I never went head to head, it was always a cold war fought by spreading hostility against me.

I did that a few times to my dad, & far from chasing after me, he'd yell or just ignore me.

I remember now, when that had happened. So it has happened before. I don't remember how I felt...

I wish I wasn't a girl, the few times when it seems to be so true that guys don't care & girls care too much. Not caring isn't a bad thing; you're cool with anything, you're secure no matter what happens, something good happens, yay! Something bad happens, well, fine. If nothing works out, ditch that plan & try something else then, why stress out? If one gets blamed for not putting in more effort, then one gets blamed, why bother so much?

Relationship disasters: Mel's boyfriend acts like nothing happened. I get so confused. Mel rants & raves, worries & cries, but he can still post stuff on her Facecake profile which are a little less than rough. He means the sweetest things, but one can't help but wondering who he really is, to be able to cause Mel such pain. Is Mel really exaggerating, then? Or is he just that ignorant, or two-faced, & Mel responds because she's a fighter?

I'm not that much of a girl amongst my classmates. Yeah, I'm girlish & crazy & hyper. Maybe that's why I'm so distant from them. I'm usually one of the last to know about a blossoming relationship or a break-up or a feud. When Jona or Genius get moody, I care. But I don't bug them. I just ask them about it, spend some time being silent around them, doing our respective homework or whatever crap.

Yet, they like me. Enough to always respond when I talk to them, enthusiastically, enough to invite me to whatever shindig they have, though not always, because they know the chances of me joining is quite little. Enough to get me to repeat what it was that I'd said if they didn't catch it the first time.

I might be reading things wrong, but why overthink? This is my impression of what is going on. I don't care too much. = I'm an independent girl. = I'm cool enough to hang with.

Mum's going out to fetch Sophia now. I'm following for the ride!

Signed, Carmelia

Feeling, happy.
Thinking, .