Seek ye first the kingdom of God

God, love me.

For all the doubts I have, as long as I have one assurance, I will be fine.

I feel so alone sometimes, with all those thoughts stuck in my head and no one to share them with. Maybe that's why I'd never kept a diary. I'd written in one a few times, to rant and rave, but that's it. Anything else, I blog about. Anything else, I shorten, summarize, and post on Facebook. For me, if it ain't seen by someone other than me, it is not expressed. This isn't an opinion. This is how i react.

I'd been reading and rereading the DISC personalities book I borrowed from Sister Suk recently. Basically, D and C are task-orientated, I and S are people orientated. D and I are outgoing, I and S are reserved.

Guess which one I am?

A few things caught my eye about High-S personalities.


They're selfish. It's not that they care only about themselves, but being more of a sucker than anyone else, they tend to become too nice, too open, and end up getting burned. They're very indecisive. They don't want to offend or hurt anyone with their decisions. Instead of risking a wrong turn, they'd rather never turn and go straight all the way. They need security. They want to know the outcome of a journey before embarking on it. They need to know what's going to be around, and what's not. If not, they act like turtles and hide into their shells.


I like reading stuff about personalities, because frankly, I like reading the justifications and the explanations that come with it and from a source other than me. Explaining myself makes me feel defensive, which I don't like.

Is it a bad thing, to be defensive? My dad always acts like it is. I got fed up. I just shut up nowadays. Act like a turtle and hide. Maybe kick up a rude cloud of dust in his direction.

I am selfish, that I admit. It's not negative thinking. It's simply rational. I'm not sure, but maybe it's because, if I don't focus on myself, I'll have to focus on other people. There are so, so many people out there I can focus on. Which one do I focus on? How do I focus on them? Will they like being focused on? What if I think I'm taking care of them when I'm actually damaging them? I don't know everything about anyone.

The best person I know how to take care of is me.

So I end up doing just that, because I know for sure, for at least 99%, that if I ever offend myself or lead myself down the wrong path, I can forgive myself and not make a big fuss out of it. I know exactly what I'm thinking, so when I tell myself, it's okay, or I'm sorry, I know that I'm sincere.

So I dare to want the best for myself. Because I know what is best for me. And because I know that if I was wrong about what's best and make a mess, at least it'll only be me that's messed up because of it. And myself I can untangle.

Time heals. But only if you allow it. Being stuck with myself 24/7 I have an endless opportunity to understand myself, to talk to myself and think. I can untangle myself slowly, anywhere, anytime. But can I do that to another person besides me? The person I spend the most time with is...

Well, I don't know. My mum? Sister? And even they I can't untangle because I don't spend that much time with them. And even if I can, I can't be trying to untangle them all the time. I don't know how to.

Perhaps that's why people like being alone so much. It's only themselves that they have to be conscious about. They don't have to think about anyone else at the moment. They can focus on getting themselves straight first, instead of chewing off more than they can bite and trying to cheer other people up or entertain people. And probably do something wrong and end up worsening situations.

I like being physically alone. But however horrible I feel or however much I want to run away from anyone else, I know I don't want God to leave. If He leaves, I'm dead. I'm really, truly dead. No security, nothing to stand on, nothing to live for, no one to turn to.

That's pretty much a truism for a lot of Christians. No God, no nothing.

It's the acting it out part that I have trouble with. What does no God mean? Is there anything I can actually do to cause God to leave me?

Oh yes. But a lot of people have a lot of different opinions on that.

What does the bible say?

It depends on who you're asking that question to.



If I'm really a High-S (and I'm thinking, I am) then all these insecurities are the culprits. They are the ones driving me mad and making me go WHATEVER and throw everything out the window and start to laugh and giggle and seeing everything in a fun, happy light.

Thank God for God.

Occasionally I just forget about everything else, just push and kick them aside. I abandon my Isaac, tie him up, raise the dagger. Only God deserves all attention and glory and praise and thanksgiving.

Nevertheless, I don't do that all the time. That'll be wrong.

There's a difference between only Jesus matters, and Jesus matters the most.

Because only Jesus matters, everyone else matters. Jesus wants us to love everyone. Our neighbors as ourselves, and our brothers and sisters in Christ more than ourselves. Even if Jesus is the only one that matters, we'd still have to make other people matter, because Jesus said so. Otherwise, He wouldn't really matter to you.

"Why call you me Lord, Lord, when you do not obey my Father's commands?"

So Jesus matters the most. Other people matter as well.



11-06-2010, Friday. 9.40am

I wrote all that yesterday morning, but I couldn't post it because after I moved the laptop into the diner, the WiFi stopped working.




Everyone was running away from her, and even the few that were chained to her were walking slowly away. The chains were long enough to let them walk far enough for her to feel so alone.

And then she turned around to see Him.

"They'll come back, but even if they don't, am I enough for you?"

Yes.

Everything was okay.

She tugged at one of the chains. One of the people turned to look at her. It was still smiling.

Everything is okay.




Signed, Carmelia.


Feeling, unsteady.
Thinking, Jesus, I want to put You first. Help me.