Head Count

So Cikgu Oong gave us all a piece of paper each. Head Count. I was expecting more homework, and though I like General Studies, it was still way too early in the morning to be shifting into gear five, so after realizing what the papers were, I felt smilingly pleased.

"Tuliskan apa target kamu bagi STPM--"

I didn't even have to think about it. A, A, A, and oh, another A!

Tze Feng gave herself a B+ for Biology. Aghast! "B+? Mei You Xin Xin Meh Ni?" (You don't have confidence mehhh?"

She's one of them students from Lawas who got straight As for SPM. Straight A PLUSES. Heck.

"Mei You Oh... Biology, no confidence."

I took another look at my own targets. But I didn't reach for the correction tape.

The next blanks I filled were my SPM results for Malay, History, Mathematics & Additional Mathematics. A, A, A, B-.

Thinking back to the day I had my Add Math papers... It was all God's grace. I'd gone home for more revision, & the very problems I solved (with the aid of the answer sheets, of course- Carmy don't solve Math problems a lot) were the ones that came out for SPM. Maybe the digits changed a bit, but otherwise, OMG HAHAHA. I was grinning the whole time I photocopied the answers from memory onto my SPM paper. Those fifteen marks helped me with my B-, definitely.

"Kalau kamu lupa keputusan ujian tahun lalu, nanti cikgu bagi kamu mastersheet untuk rujukan."

Of course, I'd forgotten. I always forget my grades. I vaguely remembered my General Studies to be wayyyyy better than the other Subjects, and I know I didn't fail Biology, and I know I definitely failed Chemistry & Mathematics without a doubt.

Referring to the mastersheet, apparently I got a B for General Studies, a C+ for Biology and Fun Fun for my two most favourite subjects!

I felt much relieved once I looked through the other Head Counts (Keele is Vice Class Monitor this week so I got to mooch around the class stuff) because most of them got Fun Fun too for Chemistry & Mathematics. Killer stuff, those two.

Nevertheless, I know, I know, I know that I must not ever compare myself with the rest. They might not get straight As for STPM, even though they aim. My target isn't to be better than they are. My target is to do my best. And from past experience, if I can just get the heaven and hell in me working, I can.

The next blanks required our weaknesses and strengths. I kept adding on more weaknesses after browsing through the other Head Counts.

:D What can I say? I'd rather pick out my own flaws before anyone else does. Much less my teacher.

1. Sangat lemah dalam Matematik. (My Math sucks.)
2. Tidak fokus (Easily distracted.)
3. Malas. (Lazy is this bum of mine.)
4. Tidak berdisiplin. (Too slack.)
5. Emosi tidak stabil (I started laughing here. Tze Feng asked me if I was going to bite her.)
6.

I know I wrote at least two more, but I'd forgotten now.

1. Bahasa Inggeris O.K. (Good English is important, people. Especially when three out of your four subjects are taught in English. You memorize stuff better when it's in a language you're very comfortable with.)
2. Suka membaca. Sangat suka. (I like reading.)
3. Forgot.

Okay! I remembered one other weakness: Terlalu 'perfektionis'. (Too much of a perfectionist.)

And one more! Lambat buat kerja. (SLOW.)

The two are related.

I'm still around five exercises behind others, because instead of only solving the assigned problems, I finish everything. One by one.

And I don't move on to the next question until I'd solved the ones before crystal clear no problemo.

Okay, maybe not for every problem. Because sometimes I just really cannot figure Math out. But mostly, I must write out every solution nicely & clearly with no holes or question marks (I hate having to write question marks beside my solutions).

Jason Yong laughed when I told him were I was with my homework. "I didn't even finish last year's!" He waved while strolling off.

And still he didn't fail Math and Chem. Explode.



The last part of our Head Count was the results of both Papers for our General Studies last year (I got fairly above average results, but no A so I am not that happy) and our Cita-Cita.

"What is your Cita-Cita, Tze Feng?"
"Huh? Ji Dan Ji Dan?"
"No, CITA-CITA."
"Laugh laugh laugh ohhh I thought you said Ji Dan Ji Dan laugh laugh laugh."

I tried laughing too. I'm a very nice girl. When people laugh and think something's funny, I laugh with them and try to see the funny in that something. No, I don't laugh at people.

I think.

She wants to be a lawyer. Doraemon too. Judith (Another Lawas student with straight A PLUSESSSS) wants to be a pharmacist. Or anything to do with medicine. Maybe Chinese Traditional Medicine (Wo)Man?

Chang Sin Fung (School's hope for STPM Four Flat 2011 Numbha Uno) wants to be a Computer Engineer. He prefers Biology over Physics, but because of his CITA-CITA, had to relinquish Biology for Physics.

Vivian Goh (School's hope for STPM Four Flat 2011 Numbha Duo) wants to be a dentist! So does Keele, the guy whose skin and flesh is sooooo tender and white and bouncy that the girls kept stroking and touching his arms while helping out with the Purple Team's decoration preparations-...

The guy who sits on my left, Liew Yun Kian, wants to be a Computer Engineer too! Jurutera Pengkomputeran (He asked me what Engineer is in Malay, so I asked CSF, which was how I knew about their CITA-CITA)

If I'm not mistaken, all of them wrote down one CITA-CITA or another. I think I'm the only one who left it blank there.

Lawyer? Graphic Designer? Doctor? Psychologist? Biochemist? Biologist? Journalist? Illustrator? Translator? Pharmacist? Baker? Teacher?

I really don't want to forgo my Science path. But at the same time, I actually have a life to consider, this time. Not to mention my increasing desire to have an above average income.

Yesterday, school was horrible. Nothing bad happened, not outside of my head at least. I was so close to bursting out in tears, and in fact I did burst out, but in laughter that made Keele bring everyone else's attention to me & people accuse me of wanting to bite him.

I simply felt so inadequate and fed up of all the things that I have to deprive myself of, as well as all the goals I have to achieve. Fright & anger do not go well together, biologically speaking. It corners you into a 'fight-or-flight' situation. And when you're cornered, you can't take the second option. Where do you flee? But then again, what is there for me to fight against?

Nevertheless, everything was fine by night time. Breathed, smiled, fell in love again. The frustration was still there, but it was easier to press it down beneath a good feeling.

It's kind of useless to try convince myself, or anyone else, to lighten up when the storm hits. But for myself, I'm still figuring out how to make myself deal with bad situations with a better attitude.

It's difficult to balance between caring with a hundred-percent sincere heart, & not being obsessed and negatively affected by something.

Knowing how bad a friend has it right now makes me feel downer in the dumps.

& Nigel's not really have the time of his life.

But what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. & God will be with us as long as we let Him be first. If I forget every other motivation, let me remember these.


Signed, Carmelia.


Feeling, okay.
Thinking, I had times so good they will never be offset by oncoming bad times.