Again & Again

They think I'm unhappy because they were undecided about going out, came back, ended up not going out- I helped them decide by declaring that I'm not going out anymore. Was waiting. Jerry didn't want to go out again, after getting what he wanted from Lido. Game stuff. Sophia didn't want to leave her Taiwan soap opera.

No. Of course I'm not unhappy about that. Actually, I'm not that unhappy. More like, irritated. It's not a really big issue, actually. Nothing that I should get upset over.

My parents don't want to let me out with my boyfriend without a sibling to chaperon us.

Felt like swearing, really. What the hell, I'm not going to go Center Point or Suria and have sex. Pa talks about how they love me and don't want anything to happen. If anything 'bad' happens, then what will happen? What will we do?

First swear word deleted here. Second. Third.

The most we'd do is make out. Kiss. And that is wrong, how? I'm eighteen. I know: I'm not super-girl or an adult yet, I'm not completely matured, I must trust their wisdom and experiences. But still. I am eighteen.

Too young. Or, matured enough. People around me take either the first or second.

If I had to debate with myself on this, I frankly don't know which side would win.

Mum would get a fit if she knew my sentiments about the issue. She'd say what happened to me, and that my friends & boyfriend are evil influences.

I don't know. I think that, well, I haven't changed that much. The potential was in me. I just met up with the circumstances that pushed me off the edge.

...

I hate conflicts.

I want to be able to just go out with my boy.
Catch a movie.
, have fun at the arcade
, meet up with his friends
, have lunch together, dinner.
Go for walks on the beach
, have supper whenever he's hungry.
Just sit outside, in his car, & talk.

I want my parents to chat with him, invite him out with the family.
I want them to still nag at us not to do anything stupid.
I want them to make my boy promise he'd take good care of me.
I want them to ask us where we are, & tell us to be careful.
I want them to set curfews for us, & make sure we don't lie to them about where we go & what we do.

Fourth.

Is it worth hurting me so much just because of a suspicion that I'd do badly in my studies because I have a boyfriend? They don't know that I'm encouraged to do well mostly because of Nigel. I can't tell them. They'd scoff. And I'll admit, I don't tell partly because I'm scared to death that I won't be able to do it.

How would we know what having a boyfriend does to me? I don't want to lose him; they don't want me to have him.

But fact is, Nigel can't distract me from my homework. He's a thousand miles away, working at his own academics.

My biggest distraction now is this stupid stupid balance I have to keep on this stupid stupid see-saw.

Fifth.

Perhaps this is only a phase. I might just get over it soon. Maybe I won't be the person I am now a year later. Maybe.

It's unlikely, though, given that I hadn't changed for seven years over Howe. & that was nothing compared to what I have now.

Other couples fight & argue. They have issues with one another, they post emo quotes being angry at each other. They get jealous. Their heartaches are followed by hours & days not speaking to each other. They tether on the edge of breaking up because of what the other did, or did not do.

I don't think we'd have the chance to experience any of that. I am not saying that I want to fight with Nigel. Who would want that in any relationship? But fact of the matter is, having to struggle through so much opposition, there simply isn't any room for internal arguments anymore.

That's probably a good thing. I'm learning how to appreciate & love him, to just let go. Sometimes I do feel annoyed & defensive.

But I wouldn't be able to mend things if I break anything.
I wouldn't be able to show up with cake or lunch & say sorry.
I wouldn't be able to come over & talk things out.
I wouldn't be able to spend five minutes hugging him for one minute of misery I'd caused him.

& he's already tolerating having a girlfriend that he can't spend time properly with. I don't want to make things worse.

If I could see things from my parents' perspective...

I'd probably see a too-young, 18-year-old daughter who has a major examination to sit for this year. I'd probably be thinking that the guy she's infatuated with is also still studying. Their relationship isn't going to last. I don't want her to give him so much and end up terribly heartbroken. I want her to concentrate on the examination that is going to determine her future, with or without a boyfriend. It is wrong for her to be kissing or making out with any guy now. She won't be able to control herself and end up pregnant. She's only eighteen.

Okay. Like I said, I don't want to argue. I hate fighting. I hate letting my boy be something that I have to fight with my parents over. It's wrong.

I'll just crouch & hide my face in my arms & wait for the stupid storm outside to stop. Wincing at every roll of thunder. Maybe go out for the occasional dance, get drenched & hope I won't get sick- Enjoy life to the fullest, that is. Or almost fullest. How can I, when my bestfriend's not around?

I'm not throwing the word bestfriend around. He really is my best. The male equivalent to Melissa in terms of friendship. Even better.

BUT WHO CARES, RIGHT?

Or rather, WHO BELIEVES IT?

I didn't have a boyfriend in 2009 & I only got 7 As for my SPM. So what caused that? My love affair with the dog?

Don't stereotype us.

Sixth.

Seventh. Don't be so emotional, Carmelia. Offline NOW.

Signed, Carmelia.


Feeling, very tired.
Thinking, I really shouldn't be so emotional & negative... But what is written, is written.