Anti-Food

I change too much.

To live for myself, without anyone else to think about- I'd quickly doom myself if that ever happens.

I am alright, most of the time. When I'm out with friends, I let loose & I'm perfectly fine. They take notice of what I say, & their reactions to what I do are apropriately big. People say I'm the quiet girl type. Judith even went as far as to say I'm the 'thinking' type, and she & Tze Feng were the talking type. But I feel that I do talk a lot. & certain things I do, like volunteering to clean the whiteboard or stand instead of sitting with them during recess, show myself how much I like people noticing me.

Talk about an attention seeker.

I don't know why I'm so addicted to food. I may have to ban myself from watching AFC & TLC- food channels. I love watching people prepare food, especially when the ingredients are stuff I am familiar with, and especially if the consumable in question is a dessert.

I may also have to put away every single cookbook & recipe that I'd collected.

Compulsive eating disorder.

Nigel told me that, to lose weight, I have to exercise, and not go without food. I suppose that makes sense, but it'd never really worked for me. Whenever I exercise, I come home with a humongous appetite. It's a monster, and I can't suppress it. Also, when I do exercise, my parents tend to nag at me to eat.

It doesn't help that it'd been raining a lot recently, and that I'm almost always tired out every time I come home from co-curriculum, colloquium & what not. Not to mention the load of revision I have to do to prepare myself for the onslaught of examinations this March. Excuses, excuses- But they are reasons as well.

Judith tells me that I look perfectly normal- What for I want to lose weight?

That's the thing, I don't want to be just normal. I have experienced how it feels to be thinner than most others, with people complimenting me & asking me how I did it. The scary thing is that now, I'm slowly equating normal with healthy.

There are some people in my life- not prominent people, only aquantainces- who have said things that made it sound like being thin, being abnormally, unexplainably thin, without any appetite for food at all, is a glorious thing. Me being able to state that out means I'm aware of it, but I don't think I can help not being affected. I am.

It's fine for other girls. Honestly, when I tell them I think curvy girls are really beautiful, I really mean it. Sweet, happy girls who don't think much about their own image, but are always a good friend to everyone. Who cares if you're not skinny? You're healthy, you are not obese- You're fine. I enjoy watching others enjoy food, especially when it's food like ice cream, cakes, cookies-

Maybe that's why I love baking so much, for other people. But I can't really, now, because I know the ingredients are not inexpensive, it takes up time, & my own family members won't appreciate it as much. Pa thinks sweet stuff kills you, mum & sis are watching their own figures (blasted) and Jerry- Jerry too.

And Nigel isn't around.

Last week, I did pretty well. All I had in the morning as cold, concentrated coffee, two gingko pills, a vitamin pill & two other pills I have to take for my mild-amemic condition. & it lasted the entire day.

I was so happy. The next few days I had the same things, but because people keep telling me to eat, & I was stressed out from school, I picked at some junk food in the living room. I didn't mind them much, since my weight was going down.

To date I'd lost two kilograms, permanently. Meaning, no matter how much I eat, those two kilograms weren't coming back.

The next two kilograms are a bit trickier, appearing & disappearing at the most random of hours. Forget allowing myself treats when I hit 55 kilograms- I don't deserve it. No treats, no forgivable slack until I reach 53.

If only I could distract myself- Then this whole losing weight thing wouldn't be such a pain in the ass. But I'm not talking about distracting myself with things that are already causing me stress in the first place, like school, housework, exercise- I wish I could spend the entire day writing, or drawing, or working outside.

I forgive & forget quite easily, I suppose. In a way it's bad for me, because I become to lenient with myself. I can't ask my mum to help discipline me, because every time she does, I feel intensely irritated. Probably the way she does it. The same for pa.

I have to chant mantras, maybe. I hate cakes. I hate fried stuff. I hate snacks. I hate chips. I hate sweets. I hate chocolate. I absolutely despise anything with fat content in it. I hate bread. I hate rice. I don't need these things to stay alive. They only drag me down.

Well, they do. I feel better skipping breakfast, honestly. And I don't feel weak, perhaps because of the caffeine.

Do not be mistaken- I am not being anorexic, or even, borderline (I wish.) Anorexics do not look beautiful to me, at all, in any way. I do not strive for perfection. Granted, I am still figuring out whether or not I am, like them, trying to maintain a sense of control in a confusing, stressful life by controlling my weight, but I am not aiming to be underweight.

I just want to be light enough so that people will never, ever, ever be able to tell me, "Hey, not afraid of getting fat ah?" when I eat something and not sound ridiculous.

& it'd be totally fantastic to be able to hit my target, just so people can see that when I say I want something badly, I work my butt off to get it. So that I can see that too. STPM is a long way to go; having to wait till then to prove something like that is difficult. I am impatient. & I might not get my four flat. Losing ten kilos is easier.

Today, visiting mum's seamstress, the first thing she said when she saw me was, "Anak ka? Cantik!" After that, before leaving, said I looked like a Japanese, and I am really tall.

I flushed, of course. And obviously, as a normal (almost) human being, I was pleased.

Inner beauty is most important. Discipline is something that comes from within, and it is highly respectable & commended on. So if I discipline myself enough, lose that stupid baggage- I'd have inner beauty!

I am not joking.

Have to get more green tea tomorrow.


Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, passive.
Thinking, the subjective meanings of 'fine' means I am not lying.