Things to do during the next 28 days before school reopens:
1. General Studies' Project.
;; Have to collect two Bahasa articles a day, starting from 19th November, one Science-orientated, one Social, & write fifty-word commentaries.
Completion: 0% (Or maybe, 1%, since I got most of the newspapers needed already.)
2. Biology Project (Green Connection)
;; Have to match up the names, kingdom, family, genus, species- of the creatures we took pictures of at Green Connection.
Completion: 0% (Or maybe 10%, since I have the pictures & the information needed already.)
3. Biology Project (Insects)
;; Have to catch about ten more insects, get formalin from teammates to preserve the insects with, & stick them up on a neat, big piece of foam board, which will be placed in a wooden box-thing, which I am in charge of getting.
4. Biology Project (Plants)
;; Have to find the names & families of the 25 plant samples taken in school, dry them up properly, sew them onto papers & create a neat file.
5. Chemistry Revision
;; Up to Chapter 10 now. So far, has failed the school examinations. I don't even want to think about reading ahead now when my basics are as solid as apple crumble.
1. General Studies' Project.
;; Have to collect two Bahasa articles a day, starting from 19th November, one Science-orientated, one Social, & write fifty-word commentaries.
Completion: 0% (Or maybe, 1%, since I got most of the newspapers needed already.)
2. Biology Project (Green Connection)
;; Have to match up the names, kingdom, family, genus, species- of the creatures we took pictures of at Green Connection.
Completion: 0% (Or maybe 10%, since I have the pictures & the information needed already.)
3. Biology Project (Insects)
;; Have to catch about ten more insects, get formalin from teammates to preserve the insects with, & stick them up on a neat, big piece of foam board, which will be placed in a wooden box-thing, which I am in charge of getting.
4. Biology Project (Plants)
;; Have to find the names & families of the 25 plant samples taken in school, dry them up properly, sew them onto papers & create a neat file.
5. Chemistry Revision
;; Up to Chapter 10 now. So far, has failed the school examinations. I don't even want to think about reading ahead now when my basics are as solid as apple crumble.
6. Mathematics Revision
;; I just want to pass.
;; I just want to pass.
But God's amazing. I tend to do better than I expect.
7. Biology Revision
;; Plan to finish studying the first volume, in addition to the five chapters in volume two.
8. General Studies Revision
;; Plan to finish studying the entire Paper One volume.
I'm printing all that out & putting it somewhere I can see it easily.
I did not include baking, outings, room-deco, youth, weight, music, art, sports-related goals, not because I won't try to pursue them, but because they're only second place now.
I really want to pull out from my youth co-leader position. I don't press for it with the adults, because I know they'll be saying things like, I can do all things through Christ. I really do want to help, but not as a leader, I don't lead well. They'll tell me to learn, that this is a good experience. I'm not coping well, I suck. They'll say they'll pray for me. And if they really let me off, I'll feel awesomely bad for letting them down.
I've been thinking about sleeping over at Pastor & Sister Suk's for a few nights, just be with them, sort myself out, get myself together, stay away from the worldly filth that I'm so attracted to. But I know they're really busy. And I don't want to draw attention to whatever problems I might be having unless I'm sure I'll be getting help.
Sometimes, we don't care what others think. Sometimes, we care too much. Some people do too much of the first, some people, the latter. I'm trying to find the balance between the two. Care, but not let it get to me too much. To make everything as beneficial & constructive as possible. It's difficult.
I love my mum. She's nice. & when she's happy & fun, her company is so, so enjoyable. But more often than not, she isn't. When I try to be nice & happy, she usually doesn't give any responses at all. Maybe even bite back a few times, & once it really hurt. I don't know where all that bitterness is coming from. Her children? She says that, sometimes. She's a slave at home, we're all just pigs, we never help. I'm sorry if your children have brought you nothing but misery, mum. Especially me. I'm sorry if I've disappointed you. I'll be gone after a year or so, don't worry. Meanwhile, I'm trying my best to not let your bitterness affect me negatively. It's good in that it teaches me patience, so much patience & meekness, so when I meet nasty people out there, I actually think they're quite alright. But I become bitter as well, sometimes, and often I find myself staring at my Facebook profile page, trying to think up words ugly enough to reflect what I feel inside. Then deleting & not posting them because I don't want that kind of an image, a moody girl who can't keep her feelings to herself. Also, you're making me scared of adults, particularly those who seem to be as strict as you are. You made me replace them with an image of you, of what you'd say or do if I tried to get close. I don't want to blame you, mum. But every time I have to grit my teeth and control myself from slamming the door, I feel the ugly, chaffed, tough spots on my heart. Not strong enough to withstand heartaches, but not soft enough to be innocently sincere.
Wow. I wonder what I'll be thinking when I come back here, in the future. In mere minutes, I felt like I was changing from one person to another. I think there were around three transitions. Moody, depressed, angry, bitter, resentful, alright, blessed-
No time for me to think further. Mum wants me off now.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, stupid.
Thinking, I'm unworthy.
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