Lukewarm

Title blank.

In Penang now with the family, snacking on grapes & cherries.

Just showered. Pa, mum & Jerry are sharing a bed. Sophia's sleeping on the extra bed in the living room. I'm sleeping on the sofa, because I expect to be up quite late & I don't want to wake anyone up.

I don't feel excited about anything yet. I don't expect to enjoy this vacation. I feel guilty & ungrateful. & I'll probably end up trying my best to be cheery & happy for my family's sake.

Penang's famous for the food. That is bad news for me, being on a diet. My problem is that I cannot find a balance. I either abstain from food totally, or indulge like a glutton. To really be moderate, my mood is often sacrificed.

Another thing about Penang is the night-life. Which I can forget about.

I don't know what made me change my mindset. Before this, I was scared- terrified, about turning twenty. I wanted to live in KK, to stay with my family & friends. I wanted to stay a teenager as long as I can & enjoy it.

Now, though. I find myself just wishing so hard that I were twenty one & living somewhere else, away from my family. I love them so much, but it makes me very uncomfortable to have to share a room with them, go everywhere with them- Especially my parents. I don't know, I just feel heavy inside. That is why I am expecting to not fully enjoy this vacation.

I guess it has something to do with the fact that I am suddenly yearning my independence. I can't help but draw a parallel between me & a wolf leaving it's pack. You might not be ready, the world outside might be & often is very cruel & harsh, & you might even get hurt or get killed, but the instinct is there.

I was such a good girl... But now I just feel like driving off late at nights & not coming home till dawn.

The things my c.o.r.e sisters said when I told them about my issues recently were very surprisingly. Not exactly reassuring, but I felt better because I knew they understood. Especially Kiren. She was the one who started crying during our conversation, not me. I know how difficult things have been for her, even more difficult than what I'm going through.

But I can't help but wonder if I'll end up going through worse than her.

Sonja immediately told me to be careful of living my mother's life for her. Tasha told me to fight for it, not by disobeying, but by trying to reason & making them see how important this is to me. Kiren warned me that whatever I said about being alright will be disproved once I do get to that stage. Kak Yee gave me some comforting words.

Sister Suk prayed for me today. & honestly, I was happy that she knew what my concerns were. Surprising, what she prayed for.

Mum's been very nice to me. Gave me RM100 to spend today. I don't plan to spend the money.

Sometimes I feel like the only thing keeping me from going wild is God. I dare not disobey Him, no, not outright, not blatantly so. I just cannot. Even though it's so difficult to be an obedient Christian, but I know being anything else by conscious choice is just stupid.

I'll get through this, sooner or later, so I tell people not to bother. They usually don't. The heartache comes & goes, my thoughts change every now & then, & I end up confusing myself.

Will ignoring situations cause them to sort themselves out?

Sometimes you have to take action, sometimes you don't. Which is what now?

I hate being so negatively emotional. I hate it. I want to be happy, to ignore bad thoughts, bad feelings, to trust in God & just do my part.

I will. I will. Carmelia, you will. Just shut up & do it.

Signed, Carmelia.


Feeling, happy.
Thinking, happy.