Random For-Now Facts About Me (or, Because I Am Full Of Myself)
1. I don't use deodorant. I use this Crystal thing. No fragrance, no chemicals. But, it is triple more expensive than the normal deodorants.
2. I can't sleep without really stretching myself. I don't know why, but I ain't complaining- this stretching routine has helped me to be able to do poses most other people can't. Like reach my toes :D And bend over backwards :D
3. I never forgive a mosquito. I will always hunt one down if I'd discovered immediately that it'd attacked me, even if I have to stay in that weird crouching position for hundreds of stupid seconds & clap my palms around.
4. I only eat chewing gum that is sugar-free.
5. I am not fond of eating meat, with the exception of fish.
6. I can down 2, 3 liters of water in a go, provided I've not eaten too much.
7. Caffeine cannot not make me sleep.
8. My upper front teeth sets behind my upper back teeth, but not by much so you wouldn't really notice.
9. Being stuffed with food is like taking drugs for me. I'm trying to cleave off the addiction.
10. I DO have secret fantasies of being a totally fabulous model with a body to starve for & a face that'd melt ice- usually followed by a short & sweet showdown with the current person-who-doesn't-like-or-appreciate-me that sees me forgiving them & being absolutely gracious.
Only, they're not all that secret anymore.
11. I like songs that I can pretend I'm singing onstage. This partly explains my lack of enthusiasm for Britney's 'Hold It Against Me' & Lady Gaga's 'Bad Romance' & some other more popular, mainstream songs.
12. When I imagine myself running, I almost always imagine myself immediately falling flat on the road & skinning myself too.
13. I prefer not folding my slice of bread after spreading stuff on it- I either put another piece on top, or just hold it all dainty-like as though I'm having toast.
14. I don't really like roundabouts. The bigger they are, the more I dislike.
15. Brahm's lullaby helps me sleep. I think this is because when I was little, mum used to 'activate' this bunny that'd twink out Brahm's lullaby while moving its ears & paws.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
How about blogging about the stuff I know concerning the bible? Instead of all those conventional things that are all about me?
Here are some stuff I can roughly recall without referring to any books, note or bought. However, I will have to resort to Google to double check and confirm, & add details. First what I can recall, incorrect or not. Then the verses & search results & elaboration.
1. Aaron ran from the front into the midst of the Israelite people, who were being stricken by some fatal disease thing starting from the back. The point until where he runs & meets with the fatal disease is when the disease will stop spreading.
46Then Moses said to Aaron, “Take your censer and put incense in it, along with fire from the altar, and hurry to the assembly to make atonement for them. Wrath has come out from the Lord; the plague has started.” 47So Aaron did as Moses said, and ran into the midst of the assembly. The plague had already started among the people, but Aaron offered the incense and made atonement for them. 48He stood between the living and the dead, and the plague stopped. 49But 14,700 people died from the plague, in addition to those who had died because of Korah. 50Then Aaron returned to Moses at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting, for the plague had stopped.
Praveen shared this on a Sunday morning, I think. I don't remember what the message was. But I clearly remember him saying this, "Can you imagine, how Aaron had run? The further he reached, the more lives would be saved- How he'd run!"
I think the context was how burdened are we for souls. How anxious are we for the lives of others- If we were Aaron, would we not run with everything we have? Just an extra foot or two, another ten lives saved, perhaps.
2. Narrow is the path to heaven, & wide is the path to destruction. Unfortunately, most travel down the wide path.
"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it." Matthew 7:13
This is quite a famous verse. And a very saddening one, for me. Many. Many. Just now, during the service, the preacher Mark Hemus had said that not everyone in the room was going to be saved.
Sobering & frightening as that thought was, I hardly doubt him. It is not that I don't have faith in our church members- It is that I believe, to live for Christ, it's not a matter of show. It really is difficult, extremely. To love God with all your heart, soul, mind & strength- Oh mercy. That isn't easy at all. Not at all.
3. I don't need more faith. I need to learn to use the little faith I have.
The apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith!" He replied, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you. Luke 17:5-6. NIV
I wasn't sure what 'learn' means, at first. I think I thought it was along the lines of how to pray in faith, how to focus on the little belief I have & strengthen that, instead of having to believe in a whole lot of stuff. Whatever that means.
Checking this site out, it's probably more about the direction of your faith. Whether what you have faith in is in line with God's will, if you're praying hard for something of God, or of yourself, even if it's not something bad.
I'm not going to delve deeper into this yet, but it sounds logical.
This site ain't bad either. I like the wobbly chair analogy :D
How can faith be shown?... I've often thought if I dared to pray openly if a classmate becomes ill or wounded. What if nothing happens? What if the situation becomes worse? What will they think about me- being a show off, perhaps?
Faith. I need God.
Whoa, this is heavy. No wonder I escape from having to think about bible verses so much... BAD MELIA. I will get myself a bible ASAP, even if it's not the mini one I want.
Here are some stuff I can roughly recall without referring to any books, note or bought. However, I will have to resort to Google to double check and confirm, & add details. First what I can recall, incorrect or not. Then the verses & search results & elaboration.
1. Aaron ran from the front into the midst of the Israelite people, who were being stricken by some fatal disease thing starting from the back. The point until where he runs & meets with the fatal disease is when the disease will stop spreading.
46Then Moses said to Aaron, “Take your censer and put incense in it, along with fire from the altar, and hurry to the assembly to make atonement for them. Wrath has come out from the Lord; the plague has started.” 47So Aaron did as Moses said, and ran into the midst of the assembly. The plague had already started among the people, but Aaron offered the incense and made atonement for them. 48He stood between the living and the dead, and the plague stopped. 49But 14,700 people died from the plague, in addition to those who had died because of Korah. 50Then Aaron returned to Moses at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting, for the plague had stopped.
Praveen shared this on a Sunday morning, I think. I don't remember what the message was. But I clearly remember him saying this, "Can you imagine, how Aaron had run? The further he reached, the more lives would be saved- How he'd run!"
I think the context was how burdened are we for souls. How anxious are we for the lives of others- If we were Aaron, would we not run with everything we have? Just an extra foot or two, another ten lives saved, perhaps.
2. Narrow is the path to heaven, & wide is the path to destruction. Unfortunately, most travel down the wide path.
"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it." Matthew 7:13
This is quite a famous verse. And a very saddening one, for me. Many. Many. Just now, during the service, the preacher Mark Hemus had said that not everyone in the room was going to be saved.
Sobering & frightening as that thought was, I hardly doubt him. It is not that I don't have faith in our church members- It is that I believe, to live for Christ, it's not a matter of show. It really is difficult, extremely. To love God with all your heart, soul, mind & strength- Oh mercy. That isn't easy at all. Not at all.
3. I don't need more faith. I need to learn to use the little faith I have.
The apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith!" He replied, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you. Luke 17:5-6. NIV
I wasn't sure what 'learn' means, at first. I think I thought it was along the lines of how to pray in faith, how to focus on the little belief I have & strengthen that, instead of having to believe in a whole lot of stuff. Whatever that means.
Checking this site out, it's probably more about the direction of your faith. Whether what you have faith in is in line with God's will, if you're praying hard for something of God, or of yourself, even if it's not something bad.
I'm not going to delve deeper into this yet, but it sounds logical.
This site ain't bad either. I like the wobbly chair analogy :D
How can faith be shown?... I've often thought if I dared to pray openly if a classmate becomes ill or wounded. What if nothing happens? What if the situation becomes worse? What will they think about me- being a show off, perhaps?
Faith. I need God.
Whoa, this is heavy. No wonder I escape from having to think about bible verses so much... BAD MELIA. I will get myself a bible ASAP, even if it's not the mini one I want.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Last blog post for today, I think.
I should be cleaning up my room, or studying, or trying to start on my articles. But I find so much solace in writing stuff.
Some other random things on my mind:
1. "But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing." Matthew 6:3
What else can I say? I still don't know what is acceptable- Surely to hide every good deed you do would be... Well, too much? How about letting others know to declare the glory of God?
God sees the heart. That's all that matters. As for me, I will do well not to judge. Especially as I barely give anything to any needy.
2. I'm suspecting that pa has gone through something similar in his youth. I vaguely remember him telling me about this girl he was with, & how he had to break up with her because he was expected by his parents to finish his studies. I wonder what happened, exactly. I wonder what he did.
I suspect because, he's... Rather calm about it, relatively. Or perhaps a better word would be, 'forgiving'.
3. Nigel has one pretty super mum. I can't help but feel inferior, as though she's a standard I must constantly try to reach, or I'll never be a good enough wide. Work my ass off, be super cool with people, be a perfectionist, totally disciplined, prim and proper, takes needy children off the street, donate cash to random poor, organize church events, take fantastic pictures.
I feel slightly dizzy just thinking about her.
4. I hadn't thought of asking Nigel to help me find a compact bible when he told me about the book fair. I feel bad about it. Even if there wouldn't be any bibles there, still. I need a bible. I should be more concerned about getting myself one.
5. God is merciful, God is awesome, God's love is fantastic.
I don't know how to describe what I feel about those facts, & even what I feel is so very limited.
He loves me although I only turn to him in my darkest hours- Other times, I've ignored him, ignored the nudges & the guilt. He loves me. Oh God, how on earth can You love me. How can you still comfort me when I'm suffering for something I've done against You? How can You still forgive me, again and again, & let me start anew? How can You answer the prayers that only come in floods when I'm in trouble?
You're God alone. I'm still struggling. I'm still selfish, vain, proud, ignorant, lazy. I don't even know whether I'm working on being not. I cannot work on it. I need You to help me. Whatever good is in me now, it's due to You. Whatever good that is going to be in me int he future, it is going to be due to You. All to You. All the effort I'm going to put in, even, is not going to be my own.
6. Some guy said this before, or something like this: "Girls are dramatic, overthink, worry too much, take things too seriously, try too hard, don't relax, can't have fun- But that's what makes their love so damn loyal & reliable."
Sometimes I face the choices of either dismissing something that has gotten my attention, or thinking further about it & asking or taking action as I deem necessary.
I usually go for the latter, because I'd rather be scolded for being too paranoid, than regret when he gets hurts or I'd actually overlooked his feelings.
7. There's so much I don't know, that I'm not sure of. We really never know what is truly happening, what is going to happen. We're not even certain, most of the time, of what had happened.
In minutes, I'll be going to bed, and forgetting about this. I'll forget that I really don't know much of anything, and I'll forget the realization that I must rely on God, at all times, whatever happens. We're in the dark, feet lighted, only the feet. The path ahead is not visible.
One more thing that I am at least fairly certain I must do is to continue on with Nigel. Truly, unless God sends me concrete dreams & signs not to, I will always endeavor to be with him. Sounds so corny & mushy & immature, I feel slightly ill. But only slightly. I'm not setting this based on what I'm feeling now. I'm setting this because I don't want to jump to another guy. No. One guy, that's it. No more. I cannot, not without doing my utmost, very best.
I should be cleaning up my room, or studying, or trying to start on my articles. But I find so much solace in writing stuff.
Some other random things on my mind:
1. "But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing." Matthew 6:3
What else can I say? I still don't know what is acceptable- Surely to hide every good deed you do would be... Well, too much? How about letting others know to declare the glory of God?
God sees the heart. That's all that matters. As for me, I will do well not to judge. Especially as I barely give anything to any needy.
2. I'm suspecting that pa has gone through something similar in his youth. I vaguely remember him telling me about this girl he was with, & how he had to break up with her because he was expected by his parents to finish his studies. I wonder what happened, exactly. I wonder what he did.
I suspect because, he's... Rather calm about it, relatively. Or perhaps a better word would be, 'forgiving'.
3. Nigel has one pretty super mum. I can't help but feel inferior, as though she's a standard I must constantly try to reach, or I'll never be a good enough wide. Work my ass off, be super cool with people, be a perfectionist, totally disciplined, prim and proper, takes needy children off the street, donate cash to random poor, organize church events, take fantastic pictures.
I feel slightly dizzy just thinking about her.
4. I hadn't thought of asking Nigel to help me find a compact bible when he told me about the book fair. I feel bad about it. Even if there wouldn't be any bibles there, still. I need a bible. I should be more concerned about getting myself one.
5. God is merciful, God is awesome, God's love is fantastic.
I don't know how to describe what I feel about those facts, & even what I feel is so very limited.
He loves me although I only turn to him in my darkest hours- Other times, I've ignored him, ignored the nudges & the guilt. He loves me. Oh God, how on earth can You love me. How can you still comfort me when I'm suffering for something I've done against You? How can You still forgive me, again and again, & let me start anew? How can You answer the prayers that only come in floods when I'm in trouble?
You're God alone. I'm still struggling. I'm still selfish, vain, proud, ignorant, lazy. I don't even know whether I'm working on being not. I cannot work on it. I need You to help me. Whatever good is in me now, it's due to You. Whatever good that is going to be in me int he future, it is going to be due to You. All to You. All the effort I'm going to put in, even, is not going to be my own.
6. Some guy said this before, or something like this: "Girls are dramatic, overthink, worry too much, take things too seriously, try too hard, don't relax, can't have fun- But that's what makes their love so damn loyal & reliable."
Sometimes I face the choices of either dismissing something that has gotten my attention, or thinking further about it & asking or taking action as I deem necessary.
I usually go for the latter, because I'd rather be scolded for being too paranoid, than regret when he gets hurts or I'd actually overlooked his feelings.
7. There's so much I don't know, that I'm not sure of. We really never know what is truly happening, what is going to happen. We're not even certain, most of the time, of what had happened.
In minutes, I'll be going to bed, and forgetting about this. I'll forget that I really don't know much of anything, and I'll forget the realization that I must rely on God, at all times, whatever happens. We're in the dark, feet lighted, only the feet. The path ahead is not visible.
One more thing that I am at least fairly certain I must do is to continue on with Nigel. Truly, unless God sends me concrete dreams & signs not to, I will always endeavor to be with him. Sounds so corny & mushy & immature, I feel slightly ill. But only slightly. I'm not setting this based on what I'm feeling now. I'm setting this because I don't want to jump to another guy. No. One guy, that's it. No more. I cannot, not without doing my utmost, very best.
Stuff I learnt from reading Princess Diaries:
(1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 10 anyway)
(yes i know Nigel it sucks not to read 1 through to 10)
1. Major Histocompatibility Complex. This stuff is Science.
2. Girls can be very, very weird- In fact, they're supposed to be, or something.
3. Find a guy with whom you can talk & laugh & argue about stupid stuff with- Not a popular heart-throb who drives luxury cars & gets wasted with friends every other party night.
4. Cats eat socks.
5. Not being physically endowed in the chest area is a blessing in disguise.
6. You do NOT, ever, get with your bestfriend's ex-boyfriend.
7. When a guy signs love at the end of a note or on a normal-ish greeting card, be very alert.
8. Even girls like Lana Weinberger can turn out to be pretty cool- if not still vain- best friends.
9. When a guy tells you he loves you, & you don't feel the same, it's okay to just say thank you gracefully, & not end up in a relationship with him.
10. It's very difficult to get published.
(1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 10 anyway)
(yes i know Nigel it sucks not to read 1 through to 10)
1. Major Histocompatibility Complex. This stuff is Science.
2. Girls can be very, very weird- In fact, they're supposed to be, or something.
3. Find a guy with whom you can talk & laugh & argue about stupid stuff with- Not a popular heart-throb who drives luxury cars & gets wasted with friends every other party night.
4. Cats eat socks.
5. Not being physically endowed in the chest area is a blessing in disguise.
6. You do NOT, ever, get with your bestfriend's ex-boyfriend.
7. When a guy signs love at the end of a note or on a normal-ish greeting card, be very alert.
8. Even girls like Lana Weinberger can turn out to be pretty cool- if not still vain- best friends.
9. When a guy tells you he loves you, & you don't feel the same, it's okay to just say thank you gracefully, & not end up in a relationship with him.
10. It's very difficult to get published.
If I have children. When I have children.
I want to...
1. ...tell them bedtime stories every night, especially bible stories.
2. ...bring them to their grandparents, for overnight stays.
3. ...bring them visiting relatives often.
4. ...draw & paint vegetables & fruits & whatever we can find in the house with them.
5. ...encourage them to take up musical instruments.
6. ...keep the telly as low profile as possible, if we have one at all.
7. ...furnish the house with bookshelves & books & books & books.
8. ...encourage them to learn self-defense.
9. ...pray with them every chance I get- before meals, before bed, in the mornings, during difficult times.
10. ...always apologize to them if I have gone back on my word, been too harsh on them, misunderstood them, misbehaved.
11. ...do my best to always seem to be on daddy's side with serious issues, even when I don't agree with him.
12. ...talk to them straight about sex & relationships.
13. ...address problems & suspicions directly, even if it hurts.
14. ...encourage them not to eat meat.
15. ...prepare a duty roster at home.
16. ...do crafts & puzzles with them at home.
A lot of things I want. Of course, we'll never know what happens, or if I'd be able to achieve all these. But at least I have aims.
I know how parents become disappointed in their children. & I don't expect to be the perfect parent, and to bring up the perfect children. Every child is unique. I expect them to have qualities I am not that fond of, or don't understand.
There'll always be someone else inside them that is not for me- I am not bringing up the children for myself, to make myself proud or to take care of me in my old age.
I am bringing them up for their future husbands or wives, their future families. I am acting as caretaker to do what I can for them so they can serve & love God.
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that, I must surrender them daily to God.
These are all talk, obviously. I am not yet a mother. I will not start to know anything about being one until I am one.
1. ...tell them bedtime stories every night, especially bible stories.
2. ...bring them to their grandparents, for overnight stays.
3. ...bring them visiting relatives often.
4. ...draw & paint vegetables & fruits & whatever we can find in the house with them.
5. ...encourage them to take up musical instruments.
6. ...keep the telly as low profile as possible, if we have one at all.
7. ...furnish the house with bookshelves & books & books & books.
8. ...encourage them to learn self-defense.
9. ...pray with them every chance I get- before meals, before bed, in the mornings, during difficult times.
10. ...always apologize to them if I have gone back on my word, been too harsh on them, misunderstood them, misbehaved.
11. ...do my best to always seem to be on daddy's side with serious issues, even when I don't agree with him.
12. ...talk to them straight about sex & relationships.
13. ...address problems & suspicions directly, even if it hurts.
14. ...encourage them not to eat meat.
15. ...prepare a duty roster at home.
16. ...do crafts & puzzles with them at home.
A lot of things I want. Of course, we'll never know what happens, or if I'd be able to achieve all these. But at least I have aims.
I know how parents become disappointed in their children. & I don't expect to be the perfect parent, and to bring up the perfect children. Every child is unique. I expect them to have qualities I am not that fond of, or don't understand.
There'll always be someone else inside them that is not for me- I am not bringing up the children for myself, to make myself proud or to take care of me in my old age.
I am bringing them up for their future husbands or wives, their future families. I am acting as caretaker to do what I can for them so they can serve & love God.
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that, I must surrender them daily to God.
These are all talk, obviously. I am not yet a mother. I will not start to know anything about being one until I am one.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Losing weight wouldn't be a problem now, haha. Haven't eaten anything at all for seventeen hours, and counting. This time, not because I'm restraining myself. I could barely keep myself from throwing up last night, in bed, much less have an appetite.
But it's alright. I feel so okay right now, I'm suspecting another rollercoaster ride downwards.
I wonder who'll be the first to read this, & I wonder what anyone who reads this will think. I suppose I'll be updating every now and then- I need an outlet. No one I can talk to anyway. Melissa, Daphne, James- They're free from studies now. Totally free from A-levels. They should enjoy.
Me, I have a ton of stuff to do. Magazine articles, room to clean up, & homework & revision. I must catch up. When I get my papers back in school, it's not going to be easy facing the teachers.
Four more months. I am far from ready.
But I will be. God willing.
But it's alright. I feel so okay right now, I'm suspecting another rollercoaster ride downwards.
I wonder who'll be the first to read this, & I wonder what anyone who reads this will think. I suppose I'll be updating every now and then- I need an outlet. No one I can talk to anyway. Melissa, Daphne, James- They're free from studies now. Totally free from A-levels. They should enjoy.
Me, I have a ton of stuff to do. Magazine articles, room to clean up, & homework & revision. I must catch up. When I get my papers back in school, it's not going to be easy facing the teachers.
Four more months. I am far from ready.
But I will be. God willing.
Out with it, out.
Here I am.
3rd of June.
When people tell you about how they'd gone through trials, the pain, the lessons learnt- the confusion, the doubts, the spiritual attacks, the shame, the guilt, the burdens, the oppression-
When people tell me, I doubt. At least, I used to. C'mon. You're being dramatic. But of course God will forgive you. But of course you shouldn't have. Why did you? It was so obviously wrong. Yes, yes, everything's fine now. Just let it go. Don't be so dramatic.
That was what I'd be thinking, around... a year and a half ago.
Things happened.
The car crash. I don't remember feeling that scared before. I couldn't even recognize it as fear at the time. It was paralyzing. My heart stopped feeling, almost. It was as though nothing bad happened- I was normal. I could even laugh about it. Said thank God aloud. Told my siblings everything was fine. Said I was sorry.
It was not until two hours later that I started crying, next to my sister, in bed, as my parents sorted out everything for me downstairs.
In a way this got me ready for Nigel. May 24th. June. That Monday. October 6th. October 10th. November. Those days I struggled with myself.
I only remember the dates for what happened in May & October.
Today, 3rd June.
Gradually I've come to appreciate how you just can't control certain circumstances. How limited you are. How you don't know things. How you know things, but can't do them anyway.
When you already know something so very well, and yet take action against that knowledge, what do you call it? An inability, or a rebellion? I could not do anything about it, or, I would not do anything about it?
With every significant date that passed, my tendency to wave off people's testimonies have diminished. I don't know how much of that tendency I have left. It's not all gone. But it's small.
I disregarded Marissa Griffin's testimony about how she rebounded from a great trial in her life. When she was ten, one of her parents committed sexual immorality. The entire church sort of broke apart. No one accepted them. Half of her siblings left the church. Fighting & unhappiness dominated the house. These are all words. I heard them, I listened. I felt for her- but only a little. She told of how difficult it was, but she ended up choosing to love God. God made all things well for her. God turned that fiasco into something that created a beautifully strong character in her.
Growing up in church, I hear things like that all the time. On a weekly basis, even. I am not able to fully appreciate testimonials. When people testify, & others applaud and shout hallelujah or something cliche sounding, I am rarely affected much. I don't think badly of them, and I don't say they're being dramatic. I don't think anything negative, usually. But I don't appreciate what they've gone through.
Recent years I've wondered, what's wrong with me. Why is it that I can only appreciate a testimonial when someone's dead, or saved from death, or some fantastic miracle has happened. When someone just praises God for something vague, I don't think much about it.
Now I'm thinking, it's probably something so much more personal & wonderful, they can't share it with the whole church.
Some have been delivered & set free at camp, I know. They focused on liberating church members, on repentance. On committing themselves to God.
I did not join them. I am not that much of a hypocrite. While others repented, I was struggling to make myself repent. I did not want to be speaking empty words- What use are those when you're talking with God Himself? He knew everything.
Thank God, He knew everything. I did not have to clear up the mess in my head & heart to be able to let Him know. I tried, perhaps. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. If God had to wait until I was able to tell Him everything before He could work, I'd go crazy, because I couldn't tell Him everything. I barely knew what was going on myself.
Many left the camp renewed & refreshed- I didn't. But my dependance on God was clearer to me, even if the struggle wasn't over.
A load of seemingly empty words up there. I'm tired now, physically, mentally, emotionally. I just have to let something out. I feel like deleting everything up there, but I won't. I have to remind the future me of what happened. I'll try to. Experiences like these are precious.
It's not an excuse. Excuses are dangerous. And I know that. There was a lot I could have said, but I did not, because I don't want them to be seen as excuses.
Thinking back, whether or not I'd still make the same mistake- No, the same decision- knowing what was going to happen, I think, of course not. Because I'd already know what would happen.
But there's nothing of value there. When I don't do something because I don't want to be caught at it, I learn nothing but how to avoid punishment.
If I hadn't known what was going to happen- well, no use talking about it. I definitely would do what I have done.
I regret. And yet I'm thankful for the mistakes I've done.
It sounds twisted. The fear I'd felt, there were moments when I'd actually enjoyed the adrenaline. Should I hate myself for that? And yet most of the time I was breathing hard, trying not to faint, or scream or run off, or do anything stupid that would let Nigel down.
Oh, that boy. If for nothing else I'd have been thankful for his parents for the guy he is now. He isn't perfect. He has his strengths, & he has his flaws. Flaws I sometimes cover up with excuses, because I become infatuated so much. I love him. Any other guy I'd have committed & given myself so much to, I would have loved as much. People doubt, & it makes me doubt. I'd experienced nothing to confirm that this was love, & not some besotted desire for affection.
But those dates came. Like hurdles. Like storms.
Problems are never as big as when the sin is your own. Marissa Griffin- I think, whatever the pain she went through, her mother went through worse, because she was the bearer of the sin, the cause of all the misery. She had no one to blame but herself, nothing to shift the attention to. This is only a theory of mine. I wouldn't know, since I only feel my own emotions, & not others. But it's likely. It's logical.
I almost digressed.
I came home feeling scared to see Nigel, because- shallow as it is- I haven't hit my target weight. He'd be disappointed. Maybe like me a little less. I don't like him looking straight at me sometimes because I feel ugly. I cry, I faint, under pressure.
He loves me still. He said so. Not only words. To be able to still say them, again and again, after each painful episode- That took guts. It really does. When everything would go nice and fine for him if only he'd just break up with me & never see me again, and yet he doesn't, instead being stubborn about being with this girl who isn't really worth keeping- When people don't see that he loves me, minus the feelings & infatuations, I wish I could tell them what we go through. I'm tempted to tell them that, but without the details, they'd just disregard it as I disregard some of the testimonials that I'd heard. What could Carmelia have gone through to be that sure?
I'm not 100% sure. No one can be, no one will be, apart from being sure of God's love. We're only human. & I trust intentions, not ability. I trust that Nigel is honest when he says he loves me. His intentions are different than his ability to love me through whatever. The same goes for me.
But I stay firm. I barely prayed, because I was too frightened, but God answered. He really, really did.
I knew that camp was not the end of troubles for me. I knew it was only, perhaps, strengthening me to be able to go through whatever it was that I would end up landing myself in. So that I wouldn't cave.
He kept whispering for me to be strong. For him, for that, I restrained myself from doing something that'd hurt myself. The temptation was great- If I'm hurt physically, people would stop hurting me emotionally because they'd be scared of being blamed for my caving in.
But that'd hurt the ones who love me. Or at least, Nigel. I don't want to do that.
A year since I fell hard for him. Eight months since we'd committed ourselves to each other, seeing how I'd promised myself that my next boyfriend would be my last and only. He knew that. I wonder what I'd think, reading back on all this. What do you think, future me? Are you happy right now? Where are you now? What lessons have you learnt since then? Do you disagree with anything up there now? Has anything you've experienced since then negated anything I've experience so far?
Nigel's asleep. I probably should be too. Not to think too much. I'm learning not to, to pick and choose what to be concerned about, and what not to. I'm learning also to deny my flesh comfort. I'd failed the few days at camp- I still went to the hotel for my afternoon baths. I have been too sheltered all my life. It's high time I went through some fire.
Again, I'm thankful. I truly believe that God can make me into a far stronger character than if I hadn't and am not going through all this spiritual, emotional turmoil.
Then again, I sound so wrong & self-righteous there. Am I?
I'm worried about my future. And now I'm not.
Alright. Time to stop thinking. I need rest.
3rd of June.
When people tell you about how they'd gone through trials, the pain, the lessons learnt- the confusion, the doubts, the spiritual attacks, the shame, the guilt, the burdens, the oppression-
When people tell me, I doubt. At least, I used to. C'mon. You're being dramatic. But of course God will forgive you. But of course you shouldn't have. Why did you? It was so obviously wrong. Yes, yes, everything's fine now. Just let it go. Don't be so dramatic.
That was what I'd be thinking, around... a year and a half ago.
Things happened.
The car crash. I don't remember feeling that scared before. I couldn't even recognize it as fear at the time. It was paralyzing. My heart stopped feeling, almost. It was as though nothing bad happened- I was normal. I could even laugh about it. Said thank God aloud. Told my siblings everything was fine. Said I was sorry.
It was not until two hours later that I started crying, next to my sister, in bed, as my parents sorted out everything for me downstairs.
In a way this got me ready for Nigel. May 24th. June. That Monday. October 6th. October 10th. November. Those days I struggled with myself.
I only remember the dates for what happened in May & October.
Today, 3rd June.
Gradually I've come to appreciate how you just can't control certain circumstances. How limited you are. How you don't know things. How you know things, but can't do them anyway.
When you already know something so very well, and yet take action against that knowledge, what do you call it? An inability, or a rebellion? I could not do anything about it, or, I would not do anything about it?
With every significant date that passed, my tendency to wave off people's testimonies have diminished. I don't know how much of that tendency I have left. It's not all gone. But it's small.
I disregarded Marissa Griffin's testimony about how she rebounded from a great trial in her life. When she was ten, one of her parents committed sexual immorality. The entire church sort of broke apart. No one accepted them. Half of her siblings left the church. Fighting & unhappiness dominated the house. These are all words. I heard them, I listened. I felt for her- but only a little. She told of how difficult it was, but she ended up choosing to love God. God made all things well for her. God turned that fiasco into something that created a beautifully strong character in her.
Growing up in church, I hear things like that all the time. On a weekly basis, even. I am not able to fully appreciate testimonials. When people testify, & others applaud and shout hallelujah or something cliche sounding, I am rarely affected much. I don't think badly of them, and I don't say they're being dramatic. I don't think anything negative, usually. But I don't appreciate what they've gone through.
Recent years I've wondered, what's wrong with me. Why is it that I can only appreciate a testimonial when someone's dead, or saved from death, or some fantastic miracle has happened. When someone just praises God for something vague, I don't think much about it.
Now I'm thinking, it's probably something so much more personal & wonderful, they can't share it with the whole church.
Some have been delivered & set free at camp, I know. They focused on liberating church members, on repentance. On committing themselves to God.
I did not join them. I am not that much of a hypocrite. While others repented, I was struggling to make myself repent. I did not want to be speaking empty words- What use are those when you're talking with God Himself? He knew everything.
Thank God, He knew everything. I did not have to clear up the mess in my head & heart to be able to let Him know. I tried, perhaps. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. If God had to wait until I was able to tell Him everything before He could work, I'd go crazy, because I couldn't tell Him everything. I barely knew what was going on myself.
Many left the camp renewed & refreshed- I didn't. But my dependance on God was clearer to me, even if the struggle wasn't over.
A load of seemingly empty words up there. I'm tired now, physically, mentally, emotionally. I just have to let something out. I feel like deleting everything up there, but I won't. I have to remind the future me of what happened. I'll try to. Experiences like these are precious.
It's not an excuse. Excuses are dangerous. And I know that. There was a lot I could have said, but I did not, because I don't want them to be seen as excuses.
Thinking back, whether or not I'd still make the same mistake- No, the same decision- knowing what was going to happen, I think, of course not. Because I'd already know what would happen.
But there's nothing of value there. When I don't do something because I don't want to be caught at it, I learn nothing but how to avoid punishment.
If I hadn't known what was going to happen- well, no use talking about it. I definitely would do what I have done.
I regret. And yet I'm thankful for the mistakes I've done.
It sounds twisted. The fear I'd felt, there were moments when I'd actually enjoyed the adrenaline. Should I hate myself for that? And yet most of the time I was breathing hard, trying not to faint, or scream or run off, or do anything stupid that would let Nigel down.
Oh, that boy. If for nothing else I'd have been thankful for his parents for the guy he is now. He isn't perfect. He has his strengths, & he has his flaws. Flaws I sometimes cover up with excuses, because I become infatuated so much. I love him. Any other guy I'd have committed & given myself so much to, I would have loved as much. People doubt, & it makes me doubt. I'd experienced nothing to confirm that this was love, & not some besotted desire for affection.
But those dates came. Like hurdles. Like storms.
Problems are never as big as when the sin is your own. Marissa Griffin- I think, whatever the pain she went through, her mother went through worse, because she was the bearer of the sin, the cause of all the misery. She had no one to blame but herself, nothing to shift the attention to. This is only a theory of mine. I wouldn't know, since I only feel my own emotions, & not others. But it's likely. It's logical.
I almost digressed.
I came home feeling scared to see Nigel, because- shallow as it is- I haven't hit my target weight. He'd be disappointed. Maybe like me a little less. I don't like him looking straight at me sometimes because I feel ugly. I cry, I faint, under pressure.
He loves me still. He said so. Not only words. To be able to still say them, again and again, after each painful episode- That took guts. It really does. When everything would go nice and fine for him if only he'd just break up with me & never see me again, and yet he doesn't, instead being stubborn about being with this girl who isn't really worth keeping- When people don't see that he loves me, minus the feelings & infatuations, I wish I could tell them what we go through. I'm tempted to tell them that, but without the details, they'd just disregard it as I disregard some of the testimonials that I'd heard. What could Carmelia have gone through to be that sure?
I'm not 100% sure. No one can be, no one will be, apart from being sure of God's love. We're only human. & I trust intentions, not ability. I trust that Nigel is honest when he says he loves me. His intentions are different than his ability to love me through whatever. The same goes for me.
But I stay firm. I barely prayed, because I was too frightened, but God answered. He really, really did.
I knew that camp was not the end of troubles for me. I knew it was only, perhaps, strengthening me to be able to go through whatever it was that I would end up landing myself in. So that I wouldn't cave.
He kept whispering for me to be strong. For him, for that, I restrained myself from doing something that'd hurt myself. The temptation was great- If I'm hurt physically, people would stop hurting me emotionally because they'd be scared of being blamed for my caving in.
But that'd hurt the ones who love me. Or at least, Nigel. I don't want to do that.
A year since I fell hard for him. Eight months since we'd committed ourselves to each other, seeing how I'd promised myself that my next boyfriend would be my last and only. He knew that. I wonder what I'd think, reading back on all this. What do you think, future me? Are you happy right now? Where are you now? What lessons have you learnt since then? Do you disagree with anything up there now? Has anything you've experienced since then negated anything I've experience so far?
Nigel's asleep. I probably should be too. Not to think too much. I'm learning not to, to pick and choose what to be concerned about, and what not to. I'm learning also to deny my flesh comfort. I'd failed the few days at camp- I still went to the hotel for my afternoon baths. I have been too sheltered all my life. It's high time I went through some fire.
Again, I'm thankful. I truly believe that God can make me into a far stronger character than if I hadn't and am not going through all this spiritual, emotional turmoil.
Then again, I sound so wrong & self-righteous there. Am I?
I'm worried about my future. And now I'm not.
Alright. Time to stop thinking. I need rest.
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