Well, pa have not had his operation yet. And it's only noon now so I'm not sure what today's going to be like.
BUT I'd missed blogging about Thursday & Friday. TWO DAYS! XS
Nigel's in Perak now :D Having brunch with Darian & another friend. I look forward when I ME CARMELIA get to travel with Nigel <3 So jealous of his friends/classmates/church friends.
I wonder where I was conceived.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, steady.
Thinking, I need to study I need to study.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wednesday: First Starnie Meeting
Or rather, just a discussion/gathering information time.
I don't have much time on the net. I'd waited until mei was finished with the computer, but now mum is up & sitting at the staircase. Waiting for us, obviously to go to bed, before she'll go herself.
I love mum very mum, & I love how much she loves us. But still, I can't wait till I get out from her her roof.
Watched this old, Malay orchestra recording on TV1 just now. It soothes me. I think my grandparents always played it on the radio, at nights when we go to bed, in Sipitang. That was a long time ago, when gong gong was still alive.
Everything's fine with Ashrul :) Screamed & poked about as usual. I'm glad; I hate friendships that go flop because of misunderstandings. Sad.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, annoyed.
Thinking, mum, can you please just- just leave me alone.
I don't have much time on the net. I'd waited until mei was finished with the computer, but now mum is up & sitting at the staircase. Waiting for us, obviously to go to bed, before she'll go herself.
I love mum very mum, & I love how much she loves us. But still, I can't wait till I get out from her her roof.
Watched this old, Malay orchestra recording on TV1 just now. It soothes me. I think my grandparents always played it on the radio, at nights when we go to bed, in Sipitang. That was a long time ago, when gong gong was still alive.
Everything's fine with Ashrul :) Screamed & poked about as usual. I'm glad; I hate friendships that go flop because of misunderstandings. Sad.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, annoyed.
Thinking, mum, can you please just- just leave me alone.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Tuesday: Surprises Surprises.
I didn't get a surprise birthday party today. Which makes sense, since my birthday isn't until October. Laugh, people. Laugh.
Anyway, today was filled with little big surprises. Little as in, they aren't really that important (I think) & are not life-changing i.e. my parents suddenly tell me that we need to move to Melbourne. Big as in, they impacted me somewhat & has probably changed a little of my character/personality in the long run.
Surprise #1:
Cent (A temporary nick; I don't want to use his real name, in case he doesn't want this to be public knowledge) has a girlfriend.
We were discussing our Starnie Mag project on Fat Phobia during MUET class (No teacher! Since MUET examinations over). So we started asking around, the few students left in class who were either doing their homework, or joining us in our chat/discussion, questions on fat phobia. The other students, including Jason, were having their ICAS Science test. Thank God- The amount of drama that went on during our discussion would've been picked up by Jason & multiplied into a series of announcements & twisted covers.
I asked Cent, then. "How would you feel if you have a girlfriend who's kind of plump-"
I didn't even finish before he went all, "Ah, already have eh."
I don't know what happened to me. I started asking for clues about who she was, but it was clear that he (And Judith, who knew, apparently) didn't want to divulge anything, other than the fact that she's an ex-classmate, & it has been years. I'm fine that they don't want to tell, I really am. But I'd become quieter & quieter, until I just laid my head on the desk, trying to think.
Of course, when I start thinking without anything specific to think about, every other thing that has been bothering me would join in the fun. This diet, my fatness, examinations, Ashrul, mum, blah.
But mostly I tried to figure out why I felt so... Strange, discovering that Cent has a girlfriend, and I didn't know. It was something like feeling betrayed, except it's definitely not that tragic & Cent did nothing wrong at all. I'd expected to know stuff like that, but he has his reasons, I suppose, for not telling.
It's not as straightforward as me feeling left out that I didn't know about his girlfriend. There's something deeper here. Almost transparent, so I know it'll just dissipate after tonight. But still, it's strange.
Surprise #2
Keith sat opposite of me in the canteen today & asked if I minded that he interrupted me (I was reading) I said no, & shut my book.
He proceeded to talk about the bible.
I'm not going to go through everything we talked about here, because I fear my memory would fail me & I'd misquote him. Also, I don't feel like typing so much about this. I have to limit my time on the computer (Or rather, more of the limited time for Facecake, please)
All in all, Keith talked to me about some article he'd read about the facts & issues stemming from the bible & the translations. After all that, he'd told me that he discussed it with me because he knew I wouldn't mind, unlike the rest who might jump on him for talking about incredulous ideas & stories.
I was a little pleased, of course. And also interested in his interest in religion. Keith would just be this other guy in class, if it's not because of the few times he'd come to me to just- Talk, & tell me about stuff he found interesting. Also, he was more in tune with world news than the rest of the class.
I hope he gets the answers he might be looking for.
Surprise #3
The boys in class are becoming bolder concerning this supposed romance-to-be between me & Ashrul. Jason & Jona had come up to me & asked me about Ashrul.
I don't remember what I said. I was trying to make it clear that it was impossible, partly because he's a Muslim & completely because I was Nigel's, & that I still really wanted to be good friends with him because Ashrul was special & I didn't want to lose that, & that no, I don't think that he's chasing me at all because he isn't, & I'm not turning him down because there's nothing to turn down, & he's an awesome pawsome guy, like, seriously, & there's no reason why anyone would-
You see? Making that clear would've taken some major Einstein or Maslow movement in the noggin.
I just smiled & stuttered a bit & kept quiet, acting off handed, because although I was surprised, I WAS off-handed- There isn't anything to make a big deal out of.
But isn't there? I'm just really worried that Ashrul might a) feel unhappy because they made it seem as though he's chasing a girl who already has a boyfriend, and he feels insulted, or b) feel unhappy because he does like me & I seem to really not like him at all, despite the fun we have.
Jason started singing this song: "I like you~ (Ashrul) But you like her~ (Me) But she likes him (Takes my wallet to look at Nigel's adorable picture)" (In Mandarin)
Surprise #4
Tan Yi Ling also goes on a diet.
Surprise #5
Most guys in my class prefer having girlfriends who are slim.
Surprise #7
Mum's home. I have to do chores & start my revision. I felt so bad this morning when mum scolded me for not doing more revision & going to read in the library instead. Bad as in angry, gulity, unworthy, poop.
Sigh.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, confused.
Thinking, what a drama.
Anyway, today was filled with little big surprises. Little as in, they aren't really that important (I think) & are not life-changing i.e. my parents suddenly tell me that we need to move to Melbourne. Big as in, they impacted me somewhat & has probably changed a little of my character/personality in the long run.
Surprise #1:
Cent (A temporary nick; I don't want to use his real name, in case he doesn't want this to be public knowledge) has a girlfriend.
We were discussing our Starnie Mag project on Fat Phobia during MUET class (No teacher! Since MUET examinations over). So we started asking around, the few students left in class who were either doing their homework, or joining us in our chat/discussion, questions on fat phobia. The other students, including Jason, were having their ICAS Science test. Thank God- The amount of drama that went on during our discussion would've been picked up by Jason & multiplied into a series of announcements & twisted covers.
I asked Cent, then. "How would you feel if you have a girlfriend who's kind of plump-"
I didn't even finish before he went all, "Ah, already have eh."
I don't know what happened to me. I started asking for clues about who she was, but it was clear that he (And Judith, who knew, apparently) didn't want to divulge anything, other than the fact that she's an ex-classmate, & it has been years. I'm fine that they don't want to tell, I really am. But I'd become quieter & quieter, until I just laid my head on the desk, trying to think.
Of course, when I start thinking without anything specific to think about, every other thing that has been bothering me would join in the fun. This diet, my fatness, examinations, Ashrul, mum, blah.
But mostly I tried to figure out why I felt so... Strange, discovering that Cent has a girlfriend, and I didn't know. It was something like feeling betrayed, except it's definitely not that tragic & Cent did nothing wrong at all. I'd expected to know stuff like that, but he has his reasons, I suppose, for not telling.
It's not as straightforward as me feeling left out that I didn't know about his girlfriend. There's something deeper here. Almost transparent, so I know it'll just dissipate after tonight. But still, it's strange.
Surprise #2
Keith sat opposite of me in the canteen today & asked if I minded that he interrupted me (I was reading) I said no, & shut my book.
He proceeded to talk about the bible.
I'm not going to go through everything we talked about here, because I fear my memory would fail me & I'd misquote him. Also, I don't feel like typing so much about this. I have to limit my time on the computer (Or rather, more of the limited time for Facecake, please)
All in all, Keith talked to me about some article he'd read about the facts & issues stemming from the bible & the translations. After all that, he'd told me that he discussed it with me because he knew I wouldn't mind, unlike the rest who might jump on him for talking about incredulous ideas & stories.
I was a little pleased, of course. And also interested in his interest in religion. Keith would just be this other guy in class, if it's not because of the few times he'd come to me to just- Talk, & tell me about stuff he found interesting. Also, he was more in tune with world news than the rest of the class.
I hope he gets the answers he might be looking for.
Surprise #3
The boys in class are becoming bolder concerning this supposed romance-to-be between me & Ashrul. Jason & Jona had come up to me & asked me about Ashrul.
I don't remember what I said. I was trying to make it clear that it was impossible, partly because he's a Muslim & completely because I was Nigel's, & that I still really wanted to be good friends with him because Ashrul was special & I didn't want to lose that, & that no, I don't think that he's chasing me at all because he isn't, & I'm not turning him down because there's nothing to turn down, & he's an awesome pawsome guy, like, seriously, & there's no reason why anyone would-
You see? Making that clear would've taken some major Einstein or Maslow movement in the noggin.
I just smiled & stuttered a bit & kept quiet, acting off handed, because although I was surprised, I WAS off-handed- There isn't anything to make a big deal out of.
But isn't there? I'm just really worried that Ashrul might a) feel unhappy because they made it seem as though he's chasing a girl who already has a boyfriend, and he feels insulted, or b) feel unhappy because he does like me & I seem to really not like him at all, despite the fun we have.
Jason started singing this song: "I like you~ (Ashrul) But you like her~ (Me) But she likes him (Takes my wallet to look at Nigel's adorable picture)" (In Mandarin)
Surprise #4
Tan Yi Ling also goes on a diet.
Surprise #5
Most guys in my class prefer having girlfriends who are slim.
Surprise #7
Mum's home. I have to do chores & start my revision. I felt so bad this morning when mum scolded me for not doing more revision & going to read in the library instead. Bad as in angry, gulity, unworthy, poop.
Sigh.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, confused.
Thinking, what a drama.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Monday: Fasting
I failed yesterday. Tasted the cupcakes I baked for Rowena.
I failed today too. Had a little icing when I got home & a few bites of shredded cabbage.
What did I fail? My FASTING.
My five days have not started yet, then. I must go without any solid food for five days STRAIGHT. Otherwise I fail & I will not be able to eat happy or study well.
Yes, I cannot concentrate on my Math or Chemistry or whatever while this fast isn't done.
This isn't a fast devoted to prayer, though. This is a fast to lose weight, & to lose it fast.
I know. Crash diet. Dangerous. Won't work. I've heard it all & truth be told, I'm kind of apprehensive about advices now. Not that I don't feel loved & cared for when people advise me. But I just don't believe any of those stuff now. At least, most of it. What I need now isn't logic or facts (or not). What I need now is discipline.
& I'm getting there. I'd managed to get through school today, until four ten, without a bite of anything. Just some clear soup & green tea & coffee. & sugarfree chewing gum. It's gradual, but the determination builds up. Who knows, tomorrow I might make it. The entire day, without food. Then it'd be a strike one.
Let's see.
It's difficult to go without food, especially when people keep telling you to eat. Some say I'm crazy, some day I don't need to. & I know by the time I enter the third day, my parents are definitely going to sound. But most of all is the craving. Not the hunger- I actually enjoy the acidic muscle pain- but the craving. For something savory, or something sweet, or something filling, or hot- It differs, it always changes.
To distract myself from all that, I read. Recently I'd absorbed Garth Nix's The Seventh Tower series- Something intense enough to draw me into another world, but yet not so heavy duty i.e. Keys to the Kingdom, also by Garth Nix. Nancy Drew is fine too, but it gets boring at times. I'd got addicted to Sammy Keyes, but I'd finished reading the few Sammy Keyes books the school library has. I wish I could visit the state library- I'd be able to just stay there for hours, reading, instead of feeling all deprived & depressed. That'd be... So awesome.
Reading Garth Nix just makes me want to write again.
Thinking about how I must not start writing until my STPM is over always sets off an odd thought, a quiet feeling. Something along the lines of, if I should die now, or anytime soon, & I had time to think about my life... I wouldn't feel contentment at its best.
Because I haven't finished any story. Nothing of mine was ever finished, save a few one-shots & articles, mere shadow trickles of the giants of worlds in my mind.
& because, Nigel wouldn't be able to keep his promise, to take me as his wife.
Once upon a time, a deathbed resentment like that would've drawn something like a half-smile from me. That was a long time ago. When you've grasped the idea of sharing your future exclusively with another, single being, not doing so would feel like half the sun is missing.
But I wouldn't be completely incomplete, if I were to die now. I have Jesus. Distant as I feel from Him sometimes, He's always my first love, the One I've let down so many, many times, but still loves me so much. The one I talk to when I get scared at nights, when I start thinking too much.
And also, I'd have experienced one of the best things in life. I found the other main character in the story of my life.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, angry.
Thinking, discipline discipline discipline. Be like Milla!
I failed today too. Had a little icing when I got home & a few bites of shredded cabbage.
What did I fail? My FASTING.
My five days have not started yet, then. I must go without any solid food for five days STRAIGHT. Otherwise I fail & I will not be able to eat happy or study well.
Yes, I cannot concentrate on my Math or Chemistry or whatever while this fast isn't done.
This isn't a fast devoted to prayer, though. This is a fast to lose weight, & to lose it fast.
I know. Crash diet. Dangerous. Won't work. I've heard it all & truth be told, I'm kind of apprehensive about advices now. Not that I don't feel loved & cared for when people advise me. But I just don't believe any of those stuff now. At least, most of it. What I need now isn't logic or facts (or not). What I need now is discipline.
& I'm getting there. I'd managed to get through school today, until four ten, without a bite of anything. Just some clear soup & green tea & coffee. & sugarfree chewing gum. It's gradual, but the determination builds up. Who knows, tomorrow I might make it. The entire day, without food. Then it'd be a strike one.
Let's see.
It's difficult to go without food, especially when people keep telling you to eat. Some say I'm crazy, some day I don't need to. & I know by the time I enter the third day, my parents are definitely going to sound. But most of all is the craving. Not the hunger- I actually enjoy the acidic muscle pain- but the craving. For something savory, or something sweet, or something filling, or hot- It differs, it always changes.
To distract myself from all that, I read. Recently I'd absorbed Garth Nix's The Seventh Tower series- Something intense enough to draw me into another world, but yet not so heavy duty i.e. Keys to the Kingdom, also by Garth Nix. Nancy Drew is fine too, but it gets boring at times. I'd got addicted to Sammy Keyes, but I'd finished reading the few Sammy Keyes books the school library has. I wish I could visit the state library- I'd be able to just stay there for hours, reading, instead of feeling all deprived & depressed. That'd be... So awesome.
Reading Garth Nix just makes me want to write again.
Thinking about how I must not start writing until my STPM is over always sets off an odd thought, a quiet feeling. Something along the lines of, if I should die now, or anytime soon, & I had time to think about my life... I wouldn't feel contentment at its best.
Because I haven't finished any story. Nothing of mine was ever finished, save a few one-shots & articles, mere shadow trickles of the giants of worlds in my mind.
& because, Nigel wouldn't be able to keep his promise, to take me as his wife.
Once upon a time, a deathbed resentment like that would've drawn something like a half-smile from me. That was a long time ago. When you've grasped the idea of sharing your future exclusively with another, single being, not doing so would feel like half the sun is missing.
But I wouldn't be completely incomplete, if I were to die now. I have Jesus. Distant as I feel from Him sometimes, He's always my first love, the One I've let down so many, many times, but still loves me so much. The one I talk to when I get scared at nights, when I start thinking too much.
And also, I'd have experienced one of the best things in life. I found the other main character in the story of my life.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, angry.
Thinking, discipline discipline discipline. Be like Milla!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Sunday: Easter
Acted out the drama twice, once for English service, the other for BM. Overall, it was good. Though the BM youths kind of laughed when they weren't supposed to. How in the world can you be laughing when the scene is on Jesus carrying the cross & being jeered & mocked by evil people? :(
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, tired.
Thinking, Four more days to go.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, tired.
Thinking, Four more days to go.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Friday: Good Friday
Instead of recording today's incidents properly, I'll just bullet everything. Or, at least, categorize stuff.
1. I have never played the piano for a church service so well before. I had to put heart into it because Berto wasn't around to play the drums, & the guitarist & bassist (Tony & Nicholas) weren't... Loud or fast enough to bring up the music. Sister Suk kept asking us to quicken the pace, so that it won't be boring. I understand that, but I half died trying to bring up the tempo when the singers themselves (Sister Suk was leading) & the other two musicians weren't... Joining in.
2. Drama practice from 5 to 8 just now was really good. We made a lot of progress. I felt bad & super anxious at first. There was a lot of work left. The transformation scene for me- Well, I didn't have anything dressy enough that was modest enough. I couldn't wear some of my more classy outfits because they were a little bit more revealing than should be allowed up there, in front of the church congregation. Then, the music. Some of the music we used were worldly music. I felt uneasy about playing worldly music in the sanctuary. We had a drunk party scene. I suppose it could be justified. But it still didn't seem right. We need more time to find a Christian piece that sounded techno enough. Time. Also, Kiren was very lax. She was very open to ideas, which was super. But then, sometimes I felt like, we weren't acting well enough. No guidance. And some other stuff. All in all I felt like the whole drama was wrong.
But I couldn't give up. I was so tempted to just throw in the towel as the main character- Nicely, of course. Nevertheless, experience has told me that it'd hurt them very much, not to mention bring down their spirits.
So I made myself forget it. Whatever happens, happens. I cannot be such a perfectionist. So what if I'm the main character of a less-than-good drama? As long I did my part. So I did. I gave a lot into playing my character.
3. There was a very good vibe between pa and I today. I'd talked to him over the phone about where we were going for lunch- a small matter. But I sounded cheerful, & pa, well, he was too. It takes two to tango, as they say. During lunch, when we came home, it was... good. It wasn't like we suddenly became friends or anything like that. But I felt happy with pa around. This doesn't happen all the time, so I'm thankful.
Pa likes making us happy. Sometimes, he doesn't give me what I want, like helping me to reload, or getting me a new phone quickly. I get mad. But the times he'd spend a hundred bucks on us, especially on meals, I'd feel... Touched. I'd feel angry when Jerry & Sophia don't finish their food, just because they don't like it. Or force pa to go somewhere else when pa feels like eating fish or something.
4. Got absorbed in Garth Nix again. Mum is worried that I don't study. I do too. The desire to escape is great, though.
5. Teacher's Day is coming around. I have this idea where Nana and I can work together to come up with gifts for teachers like Cikgu Yong (she'd taught us BM at tuition for four years), Cikgu Lim (Additional Math tuition teacher) & Cikgu Victoria (English teacher). Partly because it's about time I thanked these teachers properly, & also, I want to spend time with Nana. And maybe, feel like I'm back in my upper form days again. I miss.
6. Intake:
a) Apple
b) Coffee
c) Banana
d) Beef
e) Ice Cream
f) 3 Doughnuts
g) Apple
h) Fish
I was frustrated that Nigel said he was disappointed in me for having the fish. I'd justified myself by saying that, pa had paid a lot for that meal. They'd left some just for me, even though I'd went off to look at stuff in some shop nearby, so that I wouldn't eat. They'd still left some anyway. I decided to just have the fish, since it couldn't be taken away, whereas the other stuff were dry & could be tapau-ed.
I didn't finish the mouthful I had when Nigel texted me, that he was a little disappointed in me. I spat it out into a wet tissue surreptiously. & I felt bad, and a little annoyed. To be able to boast to my friends about how Nigel would love me no matter what size I was or how ugly I become, is a desire. I know he does, regardless. He did, actually. But I couldn't tell that to people, not yet. They wouldn't believe me.
Whatever, though. I'm glad he pushes me. I'm very glad. One of my best qualities is how quickly I forgive & forget- Or at least, I remember deeds, but the doer I'll always love. I'm good at justifying faults of other people. But in a way, it destroys me, because then I learn to justify my own faults, my own slack.
I have never been a perfectionist. Maybe in little ways, like rewriting when I think my handwriting isn't good enough, or completely abandoning a project or assignment if I couldn't do it perfectly. Other than that, I don't berate myself when I get low marks for a subject, or when I don't handle a situation well enough. I forgive myself too easily.
So it's good that I have someone who pushes me. It hurts, but it's good. No more justifications. Even if it affects my energy level during classes. Even if I feel faint. Even if I become depressed & moody. Even if my stomach hurts. Even if I have to sleep off the hunger.
Because when I get to that goal weight, it's going to feel so damn good.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, tired.
Thinking, I should stop feeling like I have to compete with the other girls in his life, shouldn't I?
1. I have never played the piano for a church service so well before. I had to put heart into it because Berto wasn't around to play the drums, & the guitarist & bassist (Tony & Nicholas) weren't... Loud or fast enough to bring up the music. Sister Suk kept asking us to quicken the pace, so that it won't be boring. I understand that, but I half died trying to bring up the tempo when the singers themselves (Sister Suk was leading) & the other two musicians weren't... Joining in.
2. Drama practice from 5 to 8 just now was really good. We made a lot of progress. I felt bad & super anxious at first. There was a lot of work left. The transformation scene for me- Well, I didn't have anything dressy enough that was modest enough. I couldn't wear some of my more classy outfits because they were a little bit more revealing than should be allowed up there, in front of the church congregation. Then, the music. Some of the music we used were worldly music. I felt uneasy about playing worldly music in the sanctuary. We had a drunk party scene. I suppose it could be justified. But it still didn't seem right. We need more time to find a Christian piece that sounded techno enough. Time. Also, Kiren was very lax. She was very open to ideas, which was super. But then, sometimes I felt like, we weren't acting well enough. No guidance. And some other stuff. All in all I felt like the whole drama was wrong.
But I couldn't give up. I was so tempted to just throw in the towel as the main character- Nicely, of course. Nevertheless, experience has told me that it'd hurt them very much, not to mention bring down their spirits.
So I made myself forget it. Whatever happens, happens. I cannot be such a perfectionist. So what if I'm the main character of a less-than-good drama? As long I did my part. So I did. I gave a lot into playing my character.
3. There was a very good vibe between pa and I today. I'd talked to him over the phone about where we were going for lunch- a small matter. But I sounded cheerful, & pa, well, he was too. It takes two to tango, as they say. During lunch, when we came home, it was... good. It wasn't like we suddenly became friends or anything like that. But I felt happy with pa around. This doesn't happen all the time, so I'm thankful.
Pa likes making us happy. Sometimes, he doesn't give me what I want, like helping me to reload, or getting me a new phone quickly. I get mad. But the times he'd spend a hundred bucks on us, especially on meals, I'd feel... Touched. I'd feel angry when Jerry & Sophia don't finish their food, just because they don't like it. Or force pa to go somewhere else when pa feels like eating fish or something.
4. Got absorbed in Garth Nix again. Mum is worried that I don't study. I do too. The desire to escape is great, though.
5. Teacher's Day is coming around. I have this idea where Nana and I can work together to come up with gifts for teachers like Cikgu Yong (she'd taught us BM at tuition for four years), Cikgu Lim (Additional Math tuition teacher) & Cikgu Victoria (English teacher). Partly because it's about time I thanked these teachers properly, & also, I want to spend time with Nana. And maybe, feel like I'm back in my upper form days again. I miss.
6. Intake:
a) Apple
b) Coffee
c) Banana
d) Beef
e) Ice Cream
f) 3 Doughnuts
g) Apple
h) Fish
I was frustrated that Nigel said he was disappointed in me for having the fish. I'd justified myself by saying that, pa had paid a lot for that meal. They'd left some just for me, even though I'd went off to look at stuff in some shop nearby, so that I wouldn't eat. They'd still left some anyway. I decided to just have the fish, since it couldn't be taken away, whereas the other stuff were dry & could be tapau-ed.
I didn't finish the mouthful I had when Nigel texted me, that he was a little disappointed in me. I spat it out into a wet tissue surreptiously. & I felt bad, and a little annoyed. To be able to boast to my friends about how Nigel would love me no matter what size I was or how ugly I become, is a desire. I know he does, regardless. He did, actually. But I couldn't tell that to people, not yet. They wouldn't believe me.
Whatever, though. I'm glad he pushes me. I'm very glad. One of my best qualities is how quickly I forgive & forget- Or at least, I remember deeds, but the doer I'll always love. I'm good at justifying faults of other people. But in a way, it destroys me, because then I learn to justify my own faults, my own slack.
I have never been a perfectionist. Maybe in little ways, like rewriting when I think my handwriting isn't good enough, or completely abandoning a project or assignment if I couldn't do it perfectly. Other than that, I don't berate myself when I get low marks for a subject, or when I don't handle a situation well enough. I forgive myself too easily.
So it's good that I have someone who pushes me. It hurts, but it's good. No more justifications. Even if it affects my energy level during classes. Even if I feel faint. Even if I become depressed & moody. Even if my stomach hurts. Even if I have to sleep off the hunger.
Because when I get to that goal weight, it's going to feel so damn good.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, tired.
Thinking, I should stop feeling like I have to compete with the other girls in his life, shouldn't I?
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Thursday: New Uniform!
I only have five minutes on the computer now. I'd just showered, & all ready to snuggle up with my book in bed <3 but I know I should always try my best to post something on my blog everyday!
Today's highlight: My new uniform. HAHA. Ask Jason about it and he'll let you know what a big deal it is. Or at least, what a big deal HE made out of it.
Honestly, that boy kept saying stuff like he couldn't take his eyes off me, that Chyng lost to me, that his girlfriend (Keay) is going to kill him...
I'm not stupid to believe him, of course. Jason plays the fool all the time, & sometimes he plays huge fools. But to have attention drawn to me like that, & knowing Jason's reputation as someone who is usually, well, a little mean & easy to criticize, it made me blush a lot. So yeah, I was blushing in school the whole day.
Other than Jason, Chyng, Jona, Judith, Pui Pui, Ming Li, Rowena, Doraemon, etc, have told me that I looked good in my uniform. So I suppose it's true :D I already knew it was better than my baju kurung anyway, since my baju is too large, faded &, well, slacks my built down. I just didn't think it's be THAT much of an improvement.
Thank you mummy <3 it costs around RM75, not including the cost of the fabric, which is this smooth material that won't go all 'fluffy' like your normal cotton cloth. But it is a little bit more stiff & warm.
The skirt's a little big, since I've decided that it's easier & more comfortable to wear it as a high waisted skirt than a hip-bone hanging one. I'm using a safety pin now, but it keeps slipping off, so I might edit the hook's position myself or send it back to the tailor.
Gahh y language & grammar is all jumbled up in this post. Hurrying. Time limit's over already and OH HERE SHE IS, SOPHIA. Here to reclaim the computer.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, hurryingish.
Thinking, nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
Today's highlight: My new uniform. HAHA. Ask Jason about it and he'll let you know what a big deal it is. Or at least, what a big deal HE made out of it.
Honestly, that boy kept saying stuff like he couldn't take his eyes off me, that Chyng lost to me, that his girlfriend (Keay) is going to kill him...
I'm not stupid to believe him, of course. Jason plays the fool all the time, & sometimes he plays huge fools. But to have attention drawn to me like that, & knowing Jason's reputation as someone who is usually, well, a little mean & easy to criticize, it made me blush a lot. So yeah, I was blushing in school the whole day.
Other than Jason, Chyng, Jona, Judith, Pui Pui, Ming Li, Rowena, Doraemon, etc, have told me that I looked good in my uniform. So I suppose it's true :D I already knew it was better than my baju kurung anyway, since my baju is too large, faded &, well, slacks my built down. I just didn't think it's be THAT much of an improvement.
Thank you mummy <3 it costs around RM75, not including the cost of the fabric, which is this smooth material that won't go all 'fluffy' like your normal cotton cloth. But it is a little bit more stiff & warm.
The skirt's a little big, since I've decided that it's easier & more comfortable to wear it as a high waisted skirt than a hip-bone hanging one. I'm using a safety pin now, but it keeps slipping off, so I might edit the hook's position myself or send it back to the tailor.
Gahh y language & grammar is all jumbled up in this post. Hurrying. Time limit's over already and OH HERE SHE IS, SOPHIA. Here to reclaim the computer.
Signed, Carmelia.
Feeling, hurryingish.
Thinking, nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
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