Automatic Dishwashing Service

Minutes ago, my mum suddenly came into the room. I'm not sure what happened, it was just a blur of anger and irritation. I think it was about how I only sit at the computer and I don't help her do the housework. I immediately stood up and tried to do something. I could not just sit in front of the computer listening to my mum talk about how useless I am while she washes the mugs in the kitchen. I'd just be proving her point.

So I washed the mugs.

This isn't the first time this has happened. And by this, I mean my mum going ballistic over some house chores I haven't done automatically.


Firstly, I'd like to say that I am to be blamed. I should do more house chores without being told. What else is there to say?

My only justification is that I wasn't trained to do house chores automatically. I've been trying to do what they tell me to do without a word and I think I'm improving. And then another problem comes up.

"Oh, I should do house chores WITHOUT being told. I see."

So now I have to readjust my attitude and do the house chores automatically. I will try. It won't be easy, but I will try my best!




So, now that I have the logical, practical part of the solution sorted out...

I feel bad. Over the past few days, three people have managed to cause me to lie in bed, unable to sleep, thinking about them and the problem they see in me. The conclusion that I am problematic keeps coming up.

No one is perfect. Yes. But that's a whole lot easier to hear than, I am problematic. Means the same time, basically: Humans have flaws. But while the first is forgiving and encouraging, the latter hurts.

For someone who's supposed to write a lot and be in tune with her thoughts and emotions, there's way too much about myself that I don't know. One of the most mysterious things for me about myself is how much stress I can handle. I think I can handle stress. I am one to preach about how emotions are manipulative and illogical; to do the right thing, just ignore your emotions and think with your head. And so, I practice that. When stress comes, I try not to freak. When stress comes, I let it out instead of keeping it in. It is logical, isn't it, to release stress?

Maybe my way of releasing stress isn't effective enough. Or maybe that stress is so much more stubborn than I thought it was.

It has been more than only a few times I'd exploded from stress. And I never even knew I was stressed. Recently, we had this Easter presentation. I had to go out to give a little introduction speech. After everything was over, people were coming up to me and saying that it was great, it was awesome, and... Am I okay?

My point is that I have absolutely no idea how I'm coping with this problem. What problem? Well, I'm not sure, but there seems to be definitely a problem.

This was what my dad sent to me after the little episode with mum:

Get to bed at or before 11pm.

&

You may not agree to sleep at 11pm... But when you can balance house works and computer then should be no problem. Not difficult to be a good daughter just obey a bit la or learn to obey from now... This Sunday is Mother's Day... Hope your present is to obey mum more... That is your mum's most wanted hope...

&

Sometimes very unwilling... Aiya! Just give a bit of hope and happiness to mum... If this message you think never change anything so... Try to think when mum fight with me to get money for your Singapore camp... Your style always nevermind and not care... Please think about what you can do for your mum... I can tell you that a blessing from a mother is much more than your god! Your heaven is blessing from your parents...

&

Just wash the glasses and mangkuk on the table and sink... Mop the floor and hang the clothes to dry and fold clothes mah... If really do... Half an hour finish... Half an hour can change a little bit of happiness from your mum... Worthy loh... Sure we more sayang you...




I conclude that I am very ignorant. I am too ignorant to see that there are house chores to be done. I am too ignorant to see that I should have automatically finished the house chores. I am too ignorant to see that if I don't realize I have to do chores without being asked, then I am considered disobedient BY DEFAULT. Doesn't matter what verbal requests I obeyed. It's the non-verbal requests that count.

It's like the unwritten rule that men must understand what the ladies want without the ladies having to say anything.

If only I can tell the pastor, this is the reason why I was so reluctant to push my father to let me go to Singapore Camp. I am very certain that the camp will be awesome and filled with God's presence. I know. But I just don't want to press my parents. I don't want to, partly because I can sense money's a bit tight recently, and partly because I KNOW I haven't been the most perfect daughter lately. What right have I to push them to let me go on a trip to Singapore for RM800?

Oh, no. Now, now it is revealed to me that the reason I am going is not because money is available. Now I know my mum FOUGHT with my dad so that I can go.

I appreciate that very much, mum. I love you. Thank you. But can you please tell daddy that I'm not as desperate to go as he thinks I am?

Not difficult to be a good daughter. To be. It's like, I am not yet a good daughter. How can I be? A daughter who talks back, doesn't do house chores, has a room that's oh-gawd-level messy, and STILL has the nerve to ask for RM800 to go to an unnecessary camp?

I feel better now. Nigel saw my Facebook post and he sent me a nice text. Thanks, Nigel.

Also, letting things out this way is good. I see things in perspective. I think. I don't know. I'm not sure. I'm never sure about anything. God, help me.

It's 10:52pm. I have eight more minutes.

Form Six is starting next week. Whatever the stream I'll end up in, one thing is for sure: My mum will have one more reason to disturb my time on the computer. So far, during my vacation, the only things that she can tell me to do are house chores and piano practices. Now I'm diving back into school, there will be schoolwork and revision. Don't get me wrong, please. My mum is very lenient, and she isn't those controlling type of parent who wants all As.

Or is she? Ever since my brother's grades started worrying her, she'd been getting on all three of our nerves regarding academic performances. But I thank God for that, I guess, even though sometimes I act like I hate it. I need the push.

My dad is a whole different story. I practically grew up without a dad. I don't know if that affected, or affects, our relationship. I really dislike it when he starts talking as though he knows me. He's one of the few people in the world, probably the only sometimes, who can make me crumple up and cry by just saying a few words. Recently, this happens not because I'm touched, but because I'm too frustrated, but I can't say anything, so this really painful swelling occurs at the back of my throat and forces tears out. Tears of anger. He tells me to be a good daughter, why can't I be a good daughter, why do I always have to talk back, why am I so defensive, why is my attitude so rotten?

11:01pm. Oh gawd. So I guess I'm not going to heaven?



Signed, Carmelia.

Feeling, slightly stressed. Unstable.
Thinking, how the hell am I supposed to sleep tonight? It's not even 12 yet.