When Things Go Wrong

When things go wrong...

Sometimes, the thing going wrong is one big, horrible problem.

Sometimes, each problem is moderate, but then everything is going wrong at the same time.

Sometimes, things aren't so bad.

Sometimes, it's not a problem at all.

Sometimes, you cannot even think about how wrong, how ridiculously wrong things are.




I may be incorrect, but most of the people I know and love are unable to handle disasters well. They can, because if they cannot, they'd have committed suicide. But they can't handle it well.

I'm one of them. I'm extremely weak, and I'm still learning to toughen myself up when the going gets tough, so that I can get going. I thought I was strong, and I sure can act it. I know to act the strength out because as a big sister (not just to my siblings, but to many little cousins as well), a false sense of authority has always been exercised by me. With authority is pride, and with pride, you tend not to reveal your weaknesses willingly.

I remember when I crashed the family car. I even managed to convince myself that I was fine, I was strong, I'm okay, and everyone else was just fussing way too much. In actual fact, my parents took the whole thing so cool and calm, I thought they were just quiet from the shock. But the dreaded volcanic eruption never came; they were not shocked, simply calm.

The only volcanic eruption that took place was inside me. I couldn't sleep that night, a mental video playing again and again in my mind. How the car just swerved, and how horribly gigantic the impact was. There seemed to be a gap in between panic and the actual impact. An empty, black gap. That was not all. There was guilt and fear as well. I cannot be too specific here. But it was terrible.

It didn't seem so. But it felt so, and I was confused. I kept trying to tell myself, hey, cut it out, it's alright, you're alive, it's fine.

It was not your typical misery, this one. I don't think it's called 'sad', or 'fear'. All I remember now is this big blur of frazzled black lines where my emotions were supposed to be. I would have been really interested, and tried sorting my feelings and thoughts out to find out more, but I couldn't. I ended up crying anyway, saying sorry to my dad when he came into the room, still trying to solve the aftermath of my accident. So weak. So... human.

But however weak I am, I think I'd always choose to be the victim in the place of loved ones, given a choice. I'd rather bear the depression, the heartbroken feeling, the confusion...

Not because I'm awesome and all loving. No. Because, I absolutely HATE it when I know how terrible a parent, a sibling, a friend's feeling and I can do nothing about it. That helplessness, I dislike. :(

It's a helplessness that leads to nonchalance (or is it?...). I know that little bit of fact about myself. When I can't do anything about something, I tend to just leave it alone and busy myself with something else. That is partly why I procrastinate so much. I don't know how to start an assignment, for example, and I'll be so annoyed by it, I'll push it aside. The same goes for when loved ones are in distress. I don't know how to start the comfort and assistance, and I'll be so frustrated at myself, I'll give up and go away, hoping and knowing (thinking?) that someone else can do the job better than I can.

And I think it's the truth. Apart from my four family members, anyone else, any friend, will have someone else who can comfort them better. They do have their own family members after all, or friends who are closer, or, in some cases, a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I do my part, I show that I care and that I am concerned. What else can I do?

I'm okay with that little I do. I know that little will mean a lot. But on a few occasions, I'm somewhat more affected than usual, and I'll be feeling bad and worried because I can't make sure that everything will be okay for them.

My best friends, I tend not to concern myself too much. :) I trust that their family, their boyfriends, will be able to take care of them. I trust that they will let me know when they need me. You girls do know that, don't you? :)

Is it okay to assume that, friends and family love me so much that if they knew I'm troubled about their condition, they'd be even MORE troubled? Which is why I don't really want to be all, :( XS :( XS :( XS :( XS :( XS :( XS :(... Even though I feel like that.

But then again, if I put a smile, people might think I take their problems too lightly. Confusing. Or maybe I'm thinking too much.

The gift of comforting people is really a GIFT. That's why when I know someone is trying to cheer me up or make me feel better, I just accept whatever he/she has to give, even if it's not working. What's the phrase? "Oh well. Their intentions are good."

And in a nice way, knowing that actually makes their comforting work.

I usually complain to my mum and siblings, and that divides my stress. But when it's something I can't tell them, it's Jesus. As a matter of fact, before I even think about anyone else, my first thought should be about Jesus.

I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but I'm currently trying my best to disconnect mind from heart whenever something really wrong happens and the heart is attacked. I guess I don't want the logic of the mind to be affected as well, so all connections are severed. I'm not succeeding, but I think I'm making progress. :D It really helps to remember Jesus. Beginning and the End. Author of Peace. Almighty.

Well, how wrong can things get when the One who always does right is in supreme charge? :D


Alrightness, Carmelia.


Feeling, at ease.
Thinking, I need to practice my theories.